


Best Laid Plans

by Uozumi



Series: Tumblr fic prompts from various fandoms [17]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon - Manga, I Blame Tumblr, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-18 17:31:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 90,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18124340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uozumi/pseuds/Uozumi
Summary: Before Sing can find Ash to deliver Eiji’s letter, Ash chooses to go to the airport and board the plane to head to Izumo with Eiji. Over the next few years, Ash and Eiji face the challenges of adjusting to Japan, unpacking their issues, and exploring their relationship while in the pursuit of some kind of normalcy.





	1. Part One: Izumo,  Chapter One: Sometimes Reality Doesn’t Feel Real

**Author's Note:**

> **Title** _Best Laid Plans_  
>  **Author** Uozumi  
>  **Fandom** Banana Fish  
>  **Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Griff Callenreese, Ibe Akira (from “Garden of Light”), Ibe Shunichi, Eiko (from “Fly Boy in the Sky”), Max Lobo, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, the Okumura family, Sing Soo-Ling, Shorter Wong, original characters (teammates, friends, coworkers, etc…); Ash/Eiji, Ibe/Eiko (briefly)  
>  **Genre** Alternate Reality/Hurt-Comfort/Romance/Post-Canon Recovery/Slash/Slice of Life  
>  **Rating** R  
>  **Word Count** 90,409  
>  **Disclaimer** Banana Fish c. Yoshida, Flower Comics, Viz, MAPPA  
>  **Summary** Before Sing can find Ash to deliver Eiji’s letter, Ash chooses to go to the airport and board the plane to head to Izumo with Eiji. Over the next few years, Ash and Eiji face the challenges of adjusting to Japan, unpacking their issues, and exploring their relationship while in the pursuit of some kind of normalcy.  
>  **Warning(s)** spoilers for the entire manga and short stories, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, homophobia, mild panic attack, memories of a canon character's violent death, mention of past drug use, major panic attack, STDs, sex, nausea, mention of irresponsible eating habits, disorientation  
>  **Notes** A while back people asked for happy ending AUs so I dusted an idea I had after I finished reading the manga years ago and expanded upon it using my own headcanons and things to fill in between major plot points. I consulted an official timeline that claims the manga takes place over the course of about two years. When I watched the anime, I realized that the events seemed to encapsulate a year’s time instead, so I decided that the drama with Foxx took roughly a year to resolve. I did a lot of research about Japan for his fic, but I had a lot of limited resources so expect some inaccuracies and anachronisms. I also chose to avoid the subjects of immigration, visas, and so forth to keep the fic as simple as possible. I structured the fic so that if you don’t like a particular section or theme if you scroll down a bit or jump to the next chapter or next part, things will change.  
>  **Chapter** One, in which Ash chooses to get on the plane at the last moment and goes to Izumo with Eiji  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ibe Shunichi, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, the Okumura family, original characters (teammates, friends); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 9,531  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** suicidal thoughts, homophobia  
>  **Chapter Notes** Back when I started writing this I didn’t know that Eiji’s sister is his younger sister so I named her Hatsuko to keep with how Eiji’s name can be read as second child/son. I read “Fly Boy in the Sky” part way through writing this fic, so it was too late to adjust for some family details in that manga short, but I did pull in some of the smaller elements that were easier to integrate into the fic like Eiji needing glasses and Ibe’s love life. My rules for original characters are they must serve a purpose to the story and there cannot be a scene with only original characters. Also, it would be weird to go to Eiji’s home turf and not to include possible friends and such.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part One: Izumo  
Chapter One: Sometimes Reality Doesn’t Feel Real**

Ash should turn back, but he did not. He threw his gun away in the first trashcan he found at the airport. He went through security, through customs, through everything that stood between him and the plane. He hoped the bandages around the wound in his side did not leak pus. He slid up to the college girl welcoming people onto the flight, and with some well-placed words, he boarded the plane. Ash worked his way to economy class and saw Ibe first, sitting in middle seat of the very first row of seats with Eiji beside the window. Eiji’s attention was out the window, his chin resting on his hand with his elbow on the armrest of his seat. The seat on Ibe’s other side was still open. Ash held Ibe’s gaze a long moment before making his way to the row and sliding into the open seat.

Eiji continued to stare through the window, barely registering the bustle of the ground crew outside. The vibration of the plane made his knee ache from his old pole vault injury and every time he breathed, sharp pain shot through his ribs. A plane nearby began to taxi away from its gate. Eiji followed it with his eyes until it was out of sight.

“Hey,” Ash said.

Eiji jumped and looked over at Ash. “You –! Ash!” He ignored how much turning in his seat hurt. He wanted to reach out to Ash, but Ibe was in the way and it hurt too much to lean too far forward.

“Hey, not so loud,” Ash said.

“Did Sing give you the note?” Eiji asked.

“Note? No.” Ash leaned further forward so they could speak around Ibe effectively.

Eiji tried to see how far forward he could lean without reaching his pain threshold. “Why?” Why what exactly he was not sure. There were so many whys. Why was Ash here? Why had Ash stayed away for so long? Why didn’t Ash bring luggage? Why had he waited until almost the last possible second to get on the plane?

“I…” Ash’s voice trailed a moment. He did not know. He meant to go to the library but the more he thought about Eiji, the more each step turned towards the airport instead. He got in a cab and then ran the rest of the way. When he told Eiji sayōnara, he meant it, but something within him just could not accept this as the end. The stream of people passing through the aisles began to taper. Ash expected someone to chase him out of this seat at any moment.

“I bought you a ticket,” Eiji said. “Come with me. Stay with me.”

Ash held Eiji’s gaze, his heart in his ears. The seat was for him. It was for him this whole time. No wonder the girl working the airline counter told him good luck. “I can’t make any promises."

“I know,” Eiji fought the urge to stop leaning forward, “but I have mine.”

“Forever,” Ash murmured.

“Yes.”

They grew silent. Ibe took a small breath. “Before we take off,” he said to Ash, “I will trade you seats.”

The boys blinked, having forgotten Ibe was there. Ash and Ibe traded places and buckled up just in time for the last passengers to find their seats. The flight attendants came by and made sure everything was in order for the plane to leave. Once the cabin was secure, information announced, and the flight attendants disappeared, the plane positioned itself and waited for takeoff. With great speed and tremendous thrust, the plane launched itself into the air.

Ash gripped the armrest beside Eiji tightly. His heart stayed in his stomach even after the plane stopped climbing. They looped around and New York disappeared. He had officially left. He vowed never to return.

 

~

 

It was very hard to sleep on the plane, but it still felt like a dream. Every time Eiji closed his eyes, he expected an air pocket to jostle him awake only to find Ibe sitting beside him and Ash nowhere in sight. Instead, Eiji woke when Ash’s shoulder moved out from under his head abruptly. The plane was dark to simulate night.

Ash leaned forward and put his hands over his ears. His back heaved with the effort to breathe. He let his hair fall in front of his eyes and closed them. He concentrated on the vibration of the plane around him. Was this real? Was this just another layer of a dream? The vibration humming into his bones said reality. He wanted to believe it was. When he opened his eyes, what would he see? Maybe he was on a plane heading from New York to LA for one of Dino’s parties. Maybe everything with Eiji was some elaborate fantasy so he did not have to think about whatever New Year Hollywood party awaited him.

Eiji’s hand hovered near Ash’s arm and then he moved his hand away. He glanced at those around them on the plane. Everyone seemed to be sleeping including Ibe, and those that were not sleeping had music and other things to keep them occupied. The flight attendants were elsewhere. No one looked at them.

“Ash,” Eiji said as quietly as possible, not sure if Ash would hear him. “Ash,” he repeated a little firmer.

Ash removed his hands from his ears. He sat up, almost smacking his head into Eiji’s head. His shoulders slowly stopped shaking with each breath. He searched Eiji’s face and then looked away.

“A dream?” Eiji asked.

“Sure. How much longer?” Ash ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his face.

Eiji glanced at his watch. “Four hours.”

They did not speak for a long time. Then Ash asked almost too quiet for Eiji to hear, “This is real, right?”

“Yes,” Eiji said just as quietly. He touched Ash’s hand slowly; one finger, two fingers, three fingers, four fingers, and then he took Ash’s hand and squeezed it when Ash did not pull away. Ash’s grip tightened. They let go when a flight attendant began walking up the aisle.

 

~

 

When Eiji said he bought Ash a ticket, several scenarios played through Ibe’s mind. Third wheeling it through the Beijing Capital International Airport for four hours was not one of them, though the possibility Ash would actually go with them to Japan and manage not to get arrested in the process did occur to him. Ibe gave Ash and Eiji space but stayed close enough they would all be aware of anything that happened to each other. Maybe this was how his older brother felt growing up when they went places together with friends, though the situation was never an exact parallel.

Ash and Eiji sat near the windows watching the planes outside. They said nothing but seemed to sit almost in the same space without touching. Ibe sighed and touched his bag out of habit to make sure it was still with him. He had bigger things to consider like Eiji’s parents. All his promises that it would be a short trip, the police were working with them so it would definitely be safe, it would be such a great work experience, etc…etc… haunted him. He tried when he pitched the trip to seem like a responsible adult, which at the time he thought he was, and yet, here they were two years later instead of a few weeks later. Ibe should have tried harder to take Eiji home sooner. He should have asserted his position as Eiji’s boss, as Eiji’s caretaker, as Eiji’s friend, more than he tried. He should have dragged Eiji onto the plane when Ash was in prison, but even now, Ibe just was not sure how he was supposed to do any of that. He tried to emulate his older brother when handling Eiji, but it did not erase the fact Ibe was the youngest in his family including his cousins. Eiji was much more headstrong and reckless than Ibe had been at that age. Eiji was already an adult according to America when they arrived and then became an adult according to Japan. The older Eiji became, the harder Ibe could justify ordering him to do anything even if he still felt like he was responsible for Eiji. Ibe had tried to convince him to do the right thing, but Eiji’s concept of the right thing and Ibe’s concept of the right thing were different. Ibe sighed. Eiji had at least two gunshot wounds and almost died at least once as far as he knew. He should have tried harder.

Ash wheeled Eiji over and parked him beside Ibe before heading off in the directions of the restrooms and departure boards.

Once Ash was out of sight, Eiji’s shoulders tensed and his nose wrinkled in pain. He did not make any vocalization, but Ibe knew that face from the aftermath of the pole vaulting accident.

“Do you need anything, Ei-chan?” Ibe asked in Japanese.

“Not right now,” Eiji said in Japanese. “Thanks.” He leaned back in the wheel chair. It was not as comfortable as the one in the hospital or the one at the airport in New York. He wished he could just move around like anyone else. The doctors in America gave strict orders that he was to be in the wheelchair until he left the airport in Izumo. The pain convinced him not to go against their orders.

“Ei-chan,” Ibe said slowly, still considering his words trying to avoid an accusatory tone or a fight since Eiji was still healing. “I worry about this. For you. For him. What will happen when we get to Japan? What will you do if things don’t go as you hope?”

Eiji looked away from the windows to Ibe. “I don’t know what will happen. I told Ash I would wait for him and if he came to Japan with me he could do whatever he wanted. I meant it. I still mean it. I want him to stay with me, to be by his side forever, but I know it might not end up like that either.” There were things he never told Ash because it never came up or was always the wrong moment. Eiji was not sure what would happen once Ash knew more about him.

Ibe watched Eiji’s brow furrow and his posture tense. When they were at the Beijing Capital Airport two years ago waiting for their flight to New York, Eiji stood as though his injury still hurt and his eyes seemed to look through rather than at the bustle of the workers outside. Eiji seemed listless but also subdued back then as he had ever since his injury months before they left Japan. Ibe saw some of that Eiji creep back into this Eiji the more it seemed Eiji would be home again soon, but Ash seemed to help. “You must follow your heart and gut then,” Ibe said. Even if that was what got them into all this trouble in New York, they managed to survive. Perhaps it was luck.

“I follow my head too. I knew Ash might not come with us, that it was his choice. I hope Japan it’s too boring or too different. I hope he doesn’t regret choosing this.” Eiji glanced in the direction Ash went. Would Ash return? Maybe it was already too much to ask of him.

 

~

 

Ash stood near the departure signs but out of the way. He put his hands in his pockets and let out a long, silent breath. Blanca’s words echoed through his mind no matter how much he tried to ignore them. Was he looking to Eiji as some kind of salvation? To Japan as such? He did not know, but it was selfish. Eiji would open his home, his heart even, to Ash without question even though Ash had zero right to either. Eiji would continue to wrap his arms around him, keep him close, treat him like any other person; treat him the way Ash never though anyone would. Could that stop Ash from flinging himself into a river? From jumping from a roof if the pavement called to him just right? From disappearing into Japan in the hopes it would swallow him whole? Ash did not know. He should have stayed in New York. He should have let Eiji free himself from all the consequences that might follow. Yet, as Ash stared at the cities he could choose on the departure board, he did not think that disappearing or dying would keep Eiji safe. What if Yut-Lung came to Japan? What if the Corsicans followed? What if people or organizations that would hold Ash responsible for Dino’s death and the void left behind in the underworld knew that Eiji was the key to finding Ash? If Ash left or died, there would be no one to protect Eiji.

Ash’s mind wandered to the slower days alone in their apartments when they were alone and Eiji played with his camera. There were occasions where they could don ridiculous costumes and take timed shots with props. Eiji would laugh, sometimes trying to muffle it into Ash’s shoulder when their dramatic poses were too much. When the rain fell at night, they would speak to each other in hushed tones, the space between their beds somehow smaller and the room warmer. As time passed, more and more Eiji would open his arms, take a step forward, and if Ash did not step away, Eiji would wrap his arms around him. Eiji’s hair would tickle his face and sometimes Ash found him wrapping his arms back around Eiji. When they were on the run with the gangs, they had to share a bed. They slept with their backs to each other, keeping each other warm in the abandoned buildings where they hid. Ash could never sleep too long, but he would lie there feeling and hearing Eiji breath evenly as the room became gradually lighter.

Ash’s heart ached acutely in his chest. This was his chance to leave New York, never to kill again, never to be used ever again. He wanted the forever Eiji promised. He wanted to live without always watching over a shoulder, to live without a gun or knife tucked against his belt. Eiji gave him so much and he did not know what he could give Eiji even if Eiji never required or expected anything in return.

If he went back to the gates, he would get on the plane with Eiji and Ibe to Japan. What was he even going to do in Japan? Go to university? Get a job? What job? The money he stole from Dino was now untouchable. His escape account he created for such an eventuality was woefully tiny. He barely knew any Japanese. The list of things that could go wrong grew exponentially.

Ash breathed through his nose. He licked his lips and ran his hand through his hair. He stepped away from the departure board and returned to the gates. He stopped when he saw Eiji and his lips drew into a thin line. The wheelchair stared back at him. If he had not turned his back to the door, if he had been listening for threat, if he had not let his guard down…. Ash breathed deeply and approached, settling into the seat across from Eiji.

“Thanks for returning,” Eiji said in English.

Ash held his gaze for a long moment and then nodded. If Eiji came to regret this, if they both did, Ash hoped it would not end in Eiji’s death.

 

~

 

It only took a few hours to get to Japan and after a final plane change, they landed in Izumo in the evening, which was morning back in New York. Izumo was smaller than many American cities but still large. The Sea of Japan hugged its coastline to the north and Hiroshima was not far to the southwest and Okayama not far to the southeast. Lake Shinji glistened to the east in the growing darkness.

It was almost twenty-four hours since they left New York. Ibe pushed Eiji along in the wheelchair while Ash carried Eiji’s bags. None of them spoke. They were barely past the gate when two women hurried over to them and gathered Eiji into tight hugs. Eiji’s mother looked strikingly like him except she was shorter and rounder. Eiji’s sister had the same flyaway hair that Eiji had but it was much longer. Eiji hugged them back as tightly as he could. Tears streamed down his face that he could not hold back. He tried to speak calmly but his voice grew thinner with each word.

Ash and Ibe averted their gaze. Ibe made sure the wheelchair was secure.

Slowly Mrs. Okumura let Eiji go. “Ibe-kun,” she said in Japanese, “thank you so much for watching over Eiji. It must have been so hard for both of you.”

“I’m sorry that Eiji was injured. I should have stopped this before it could get so far.” Ibe kept his hands firmly on the handles of the chair.

“Yes, you should have,” Mrs. Okumura said in a very firm tone that slowly turned warmer, “but he’s a very stubborn man now, isn’t he? You brought him back alive, and I am grateful for that.”

Eiji’s sister stooped down so that she could talk to Eiji easily. “You need to tell us who your cute friend is.”

Eiji blinked. Right. Ash was just standing there. “Sorry. I was rude. This is Ash. He’s my,” a pause, “friend. I invited him to stay with me for a while.” Eiji switched to English. “Ash, this is my mom and my little sister.”

Ash was not sure if he was supposed to bow or shake hands. “Hi. Sorry for intruding.” He kept his voice soft and unassuming.

Mrs. Okumura approached him and offered her hand. “It is nice to meet you. Call me Okumura-san. Thank you for helping my son.” Her grip was warm but firm. She held Ash’s gaze.

A few responses filtered through Ash’s head, but he settled on, “You’re welcome.”

“I am Hatsuko,” Eiji’s sister said and shook his hand. “It is good to meet you.”

“You too.” Ash shifted Eiji’s bags after Hatsuko let go.

Mrs. Okumura extended a dinner invitation to Ibe, but Ibe had to catch his flight to Tokyo. Ibe bid all of them goodbye and left for another gate. Hatsuko pushed Eiji through the airport. Ash continued to carry the bags. Mrs. Okumura walked alongside the wheelchair.

They took a taxi through the city. Mrs. Okumura rode in the front with the driver. Eiji ended up in the middle of the backseat. His knee and ribs seemed to feel every single bump in every single road. Being around the taxi driver slowed conversation. Eiji did not mind. He felt like he could fall asleep again despite the pain.

“Are you a college student, Ash?” Hatsuko asked after a while.

“I could be.” Ash was certainly old enough.

“You have good taste, Oniichan,” Hatsuko whispered to Eiji in Japanese.

Eiji swatted at her gently.

“You do.” Hatsuko gently swatted at him in return, mindful of his injuries. “He’s just as cute as I expected.”

Ash was not sure what Hatsuko said, but it was obvious she was messing with Eiji. How much did Eiji’s family know? His eyes shifted to Mrs. Okumura. Her lips were in a small smile, but her eyebrows drew together. She kept glancing back at Eiji, though she remained quiet. Ash’s attention shifted out the window as the commercial area of the city gave way to a residential area with groups of similar-looking two story houses with hardly any yard split into clusters with large areas of grass occurring every so often. It was not too much longer until he taxi stopped at the Okumura residence and they all disembarked.

The Okumura’s home was a light color like all the houses around it with a dark roof and just enough yard to separate it from the houses next door. There were small balconies at the upper story windows to hang laundry rather than stand. When they entered the house, shoes came off and slippers went on. The largest pair of guest slippers fit Ash well enough. Eiji’s father had work colleagues from abroad who would occasionally visit. Currently, Eiji’s father was away for business but would be back in a few days. Mrs. Okumura hugged Eiji again and then left to make supper.

“I will take Ash to my room,” Eiji said in English for Ash’s benefit. “We can return for supper.”

Hatsuko stared at Eiji for a long moment. “I can show him. You rest.”

“I am fine. I promised no walking in airports. That is all.” He ran his hand through her hair.

Hatsuko swatted at his hand on reflex. She looked at him for a long moment and sighed. “I understand. Be careful. Okay?” She hugged him as tight as she dared.

“I missed you too.” Eiji hugged her back just as tight. Once they let go, Hatsuko went to help Mrs. Okumura with supper.

Ash and Eiji moved at Eiji’s pace. Eiji opened the door to his room and stopped part way inside the room. It was clean and well kept. His bed was near the door and there was a bookshelf at the foot of the bed near the window. Across from the bookshelf was a small desk. The closet was beside the door. The bookshelf was full of study aids, novels, photography books, and manga. Stacks of cassette tapes sat neatly on one side of the desk and his radio sat on the other with room to study in-between. There was a small record collection near the far back leg of the desk on the floor along with a player against the opposite leg. Plaques from placing high in pole vaulting in middle and high school lined the wall between the desk and the closet. It was a boy’s room. It seemed like someone else’s room.

Ash stayed in the doorway, watching as Eiji’s shoulders seemed to tense and his legs seemed to stiffen. Eiji bit his lip and then shook his head. The wound at Ash’s side stung. There was a high chance the wound would ooze when he removed the bandage later. It did not matter. It was not the worst gunshot wound Ash ever had and Eiji’s gunshot wound was far worse.

Eiji blinked. “S – Sorry.” He moved deeper into the room towards the foot of the bed so Ash could set the bags near the desk. “I know it’s awkward. Who knows what Ibe-san told them.”

Ash noted to the window and the distance between it and the door. He noted the placement of the furniture. The spines on the cassettes all contained unfamiliar bands and singers. “I did invite myself.”

“Not true. I asked you.” Eiji walked over to the window and parted the curtains barely. He scanned the street, but the only person outside was a neighbors taking their dog for a walk. He let the curtain slip from his hand. Of course, there was no threat outside. There would not be any threat outside. “You are always welcome. I’m glad you are here.” Eiji smiled.

Several things Ash could say mashed together in his mind. He could smell supper downstairs. The slippers squished under his feet and stuck to his socks. There was no traffic outside. The waistband of his jeans was loose around him with no gun to carry. He gripped the side of Eiji’s desk tightly. His jaw clenched. He breathed through his nose.

“It’s hard,” Eiji said quietly, “to be somewhere else.”

Ash’s grip relaxed on the desk and his shoulders lowered slightly. He peered at Eiji through his bangs. Was Eiji speaking from experience or did Eiji also find this room too homey and too quiet? Did Eiji feel just as naked without a gun with no knife? Or was Eiji just slipping back into normalcy knowing none of this was normal for Ash?

Ash sighed. “I’m fine.” He had to be.

 

~

 

Dinner was a mix of leftovers and freshly prepared fish with plenty of rice. The flavors balanced together and complemented each other. Ash let Mrs. Okumura, Hatsuko, and Eiji do the talking. The conversation slipped into Japanese, English, and in-between. Eiji told the nicer stories about seeing landmarks, the differences in culture, and experiencing American food.

“So many stories and Ash,” Hatsuko thought of the word, “rarely appears.” She looked to Ash. “How did you meet?”

Eiji tensed beside him. Ash took a moment to think while he finished chewing. “I helped with the article,” he said. “We worked together a lot and then we became friends.” It was the best way to put it.

Hatsuko sighed. “There is more than that,” she said. “Two years and you can only talk about food?”

“Hatsu-chan, prying is no good,” Mrs. Okumura said. Her tone was light, but her eyes seemed to stare through her food rather than at it properly for a long moment. She turned her gaze to Ash and Eiji, looking at them and not trough them. “You can tell only what you wish. I hope things are not stressful now.”

Eiji smiled and kept his tone earnest and light. “It’s good to be here. I’m sorry I worried you.”

Ash recognized the distance in her expression. Eiji looked like that when Ash tried to send him away before his fight with Arthur, when things got needlessly violent, when Eiji had a moment to think about everything happening around them. Hatsuko’s eyes were always curious and welcoming, sometimes teasing. Maybe they kept a lot of negative things from her.

The conversation turned to what The Okumura family did during the last two years. Hatsuko graduated from high school and now went to the medical university nearby. She wanted to go into medical research. Mrs. Okumura was a seamstress and most of her clients were university students whose mothers were too far away to mend clothing. She took commissions to make clothing. Mr. Okumura was still hard at work traveling across the country and occasionally abroad as a salesman. Everything for the most part continued as it normally might had Eiji still been at university in Matsue on the other side of Lake Shinji.

Despite being another culture, it seemed so normal almost like a television show, like at any moment a laugh track might play. Ash was not sure if it was welcoming or unsettling.

 

~

 

Eiji dreamt. He ran down the approach towards the planting box at the university field. His clothes were wrong. The jeans did not have the give shorts would and the jacket he wore was heavy and a size too big to compensate for his muscular shoulders. When Eiji locked his pole into the planting box and flung himself into the air, it turned into a rusty pipe that crumbled. He fell away from the mats. The ground was hard and his hip and knee stung like a gunshot. He could barely breathe. He felt an arm on his shoulder and looked up expecting his coach, but it was Ibe instead. He could see Arthur lurking in the shadows in a rival school’s jersey.

Eiji sat up in bed immediately. He carefully tried to relax his foot to ease the cramp in the leg he injured years ago. Eiji touched his bandages but they were secure and clean. He touched his knee carefully. It was a little puffy and stiff. His hip ached as well. He moved his leg into a more comfortable position and let out a long silent sigh. The clock said it was early morning. Ash was asleep on a futon with his head by the window. Eiji glanced at the plaques on the wall, his desk, his bookcase. He shook his head. He slept in so many new places while on the run from Foxx and his men. None of those places made him feel as if his soul was askew on his body like this. Eiji ran his hands through his hair. This was not how he imagined returning to feel. He thought he would be at peace and he could extend that peace to Ash. His heart still pounded in his chest. There was no peace. His eyes turned to Ash again. If he had nightmares being here, then Ash must be having nightmares that were infinitely worse. Eiji had to stay strong for Ash’s sake.

Eiji rolled out of bed. He moved as quietly as possible and set out the biggest shirt he owned and some adjustable track pants that would maybe fit Ash if they were lucky. A new country was not an easy transition. Eiji needed to make this as easy as possible. He was now the expert at where to go, what to eat, what to do, and how things worked. The first thing they had to do was get Ash clothes and find some resources to learn Japanese. Eiji breathed too deeply and winced at the sting in his bones. He needed to pace himself, but he could not slack. He grabbed some clothes for himself. He would take a bath, sort through his emotions, and then put himself right so he would not worry everyone at breakfast.

 

~

 

When Ash woke, he heard Eiji move about the room. Nothing smelled or felt familiar. He opened his eyes just in time for Eiji to close the door gently on his way out. The room was dark. It would be easy to just fall back asleep, but it was late afternoon in New York and his brain was not tired enough. He sat up, stared off for a long time, and listened. There were birds outside and noise from the kitchen. He could hear water in the pipes like someone was drawing a bath or taking a shower. Ash rolled off the futon and stretched. It was still so dark that he could barely see the clothes waiting for him on the bed. It was not the first time they shared clothes with each other.

The clothes fit about as well as they could. The shoulders were a little tight and the inseam not long enough but it did not look too silly especially given some of the current fashion trends. Ash shuffled his way down to the kitchen. Mrs. Okumura was already well through prepping for the food. “Good morning,” she said.

“Morning,” Ash managed. He had no idea what he wanted to eat or how he was supposed to function in this kitchen. He was too used to Eiji just setting things in front of him while he tried to get his brain to stop feeling like a giant Q-tip. Left to his own devices, he usually ended up with toast that took longer to make than he would like to admit and too much coffee.

Ash felt as though all he did was blink and tea appeared in front of him at the table.

“Breakfast is not done,” Mrs. Okumura said.

Ash nodded. “Thanks.” The tea was hot and similar to the tea Eiji made except fresher and more fragrant. His brain warmed with each sip, returning to him slowly.

Mrs. Okumura smiled, checked her cooking, and then sat across from Ash at the table. Her smile faltered and she licked her lips. “I know many things.”

Ash’s shoulders moved closer to his ears. He gripped his mug tighter. He was officially awake now.

“Ibe is a good person. He is not good at lying. We had many phone calls.” Mrs. Okumura kept her attention on Ash.

Ash set the mug down gently. Mrs. Okumura was like Eiji and her kindness had limits. It would not surprise him if he already met or exceeded her limit even before he arrived in Izumo. His mind whirred, retracing their ride to the airport. He could make it on foot. He was not sure where he would go once he got there. What little money he had in his escape account would be enough for a domestic flight without draining too many funds. He should have fed more money into the account but he never suspected he would ever use it. “If it’s a problem, I can leave.”

“Not a problem.” Mrs. Okumura rested her hands in her lap. “I know you are from a gang. You helped Eiji too. For that, you are welcome here.”

Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. “I can’t make promises what will happen. I only know what Eiji’s told me about Japan and about you. I don’t plan to overstay.” He was not sure how long overstaying might be, but he could not over-rely on the kindness and shelter of the Okumura family. He needed to start exploring and thinking about his next move. He was not sure where they were in location to the major Japanese cities that came up in history books and the news or where in Japan someone like him could relocate easily if anywhere.

“Your promises to Eiji are the important promises.” Mrs. Okumura rose from the table and went back to multitasking the breakfast.

Eiji stood in the hallway out of sight but within earshot. He leaned his head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. His mother was onto him. How long would it take before she figured it out? What would happen once she figured it out?

“Are you done eavesdropping or are you going to keep standing there in the way?” Hatsuko whispered in Japanese.

Eiji jumped. “Don’t sneak up on me,” he hissed back.

Hatsuko grinned and kept her voice low. “I see the omamori I gave you worked. He’s like some kind of model. Definitely better than I imagined.”

“What were you imagining?” Did he really want to know?

“Some cute American boy with one of those football jackets.” When Eiji gave her a look, she grinned even bigger. “I’ve known you liked boys since you were twelve.” She gave him double peace signs and then stepped past him and headed towards the kitchen.

Eiji felt his cheeks go red. Since he was twelve! What else did she know that he thought was a secret? How did she know it before he knew it? He was half way through his first year of high school when he realized he never wanted a girlfriend because he had only ever been attracted to boys. Maybe his mother was already onto him because she knew this too. Eiji sighed and headed into the kitchen.

When breakfast finished, Hatsuko left for her last day at her temp job before school resumed and Ash went to take a shower, leaving Eiji and his mother alone. Eiji picked up his dishes to take them to the sink.

“Stay seated, Ei-chan,” Mrs. Okumura said in Japanese. “You’re still recovering. I can do this.” She set about her normal morning routine.

Eiji watched quietly. When they first moved into this house, Hatsuko was a very small baby and he was almost old enough to go on his first errand. He sat in this same chair at this same table and watched his mother clean up after breakfast. He used to help her gather the food and rinse things off before heading to school in the morning as he got older. When he had to go to a meet or a tournament, she would be up extra early already prepping food to help him stay full and do his best. On the morning he went to America, she was already in the kitchen when he came downstairs making things he loved to eat for breakfast since she could not be sure what people would try to feed him while abroad. His room might feel like another person’s room, but his mother was still herself even down to the song she hummed quietly as she worked.

Eiji bowed his head and let the tears fall. His heart hurt more than his injuries. He rested his elbows on the table and put his hands over his eyes. He did not hear or see her approach, but his mother sat beside him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders as tightly as she could. Eiji hugged her in return and cried into her shoulder. She ran her fingers through his hair.

“I am glad some things stayed the same,” Mrs. Okumura said once the crying lessened. “I was afraid you would come back acting like John Wayne.” She sighed. “But I wish things had not been so hard. I wanted this to be a good experience for you.”

Eiji reluctantly let go. His ribs hurt too much to keep hold. “It was hard, but I’m glad I went.”

Mrs. Okumura smoothed his hair out as best she could. “Do you love him, Ei-chan?”

Eiji held his breath. There was the truth and then there was the answer she wanted to hear. “Yes,” he said firmly. He would not lie.

Mrs. Okumura did not immediately respond. She smoothed down her apron. “I always said I would stay out of my children’s romances, but you getting shot tests that philosophy. We talked to Ibe-kun on the phone many times. I know that boy you brought home is hurt, both mentally and physically. I know you are too.” She sighed. “Both of you are so young and it’s so easy to bond over hardship, but these things can change. What will you do when that happens? What will you do when he moves on?”

Eiji squeezed his hands so tight in his lap that his knuckles paled. She did not understand and she probably could not understand. Eiji opened his mouth and closed it. He did not want to fight with her especially not on his first morning home. “If it changes I will adapt. That’s what I’ve been doing in America.”

Mrs. Okumura put her hand on one of his fists. When Eiji relaxed his fist, she took his hand and squeezed it. Then she stood up and went back to her chores. “I have to work today. Try not to overexert yourself. You’re home now and safe. You must rest now.”

“I know.” Eiji relaxed his posture. “I need to get some books together. Thanks for letting Ash stay.”

“He’s why you’re still with us,” Mrs. Okumura said. “He will always be welcome here because of that and I will always be grateful for that.”

Eiji nodded and excused himself. He headed to the main room where they kept the television and sat down in front of the bookshelf. The bottom two shelves were full of old reference books. He grabbed a large children’s picture dictionary that used furigana along with an atlas of Japan. He scanned the titles on the shelves, forcing himself to focus. He was angry, frustrated, sad, and somehow neutral simultaneously. He knew that Ash might not stay at his side forever. He knew that they had just as much of a chance going separate ways as they did staying together. He knew things could change and maybe he would not adapt or they would change in a way that adapting would not help. He did not like the inevitability in his mother’s tone. Nothing was inevitable. He could not believe he would look at Ash someday and feel nothing but friendship or perhaps nothing at all. He did not want to believe Ash might look at him someday with nothing but disdain. He took the books slowly to his room.

 

~

 

The downstairs bathroom in the Okumura home was three rooms. The main door led to a sink with a clothes washer in the same room. There was another door to the right that led to a room with only a toilet and another door on the left that led to a room that had tile on all the walls and a drain in the floor. The bathtub was very deep with a cover unrolled across it. The humidity and smell of the room gave away that the tub must be full of warm, clean water. Ash eyed it and decided to continue with his plan for a shower. The bathtub looked like there were rules to it and he did not want to bother anyone about that right now.

Luckily, the shower was beside the tub rather than a part of it. There was no curtain or glass around it. The showerhead hung on the wall for use but could also be picked up and maneuvered easily. Ash picked it up without turning it on and then put it back. He looked along the walls but there did not seem to be any switches for fans. He also had not heard any fans when Eiji was down here earlier. Ash sighed.

There was a place above the tub to hang clothes, so he placed his clothes there. He tried to place them where he would have the most success keeping them dry and tried to keep in mind where he had the showerhead pointed at all times.

It was a wet mess but the bathroom design leant to it. The towel he put on top of the tub cover was half-wet and half-dry. His clothes were vaguely wet around the edges. It was as successful as it could be. Ash tried to dry things up as best he could and then he dressed. The towel went with other used towels near the washing machine. Ash shook his hair out so it would not dry funny and went upstairs.

Eiji’s bedroom door was open. Ash paused in the doorway. Eiji lay facing the wall on the bed with a pillow against his torso and his head at the foot of the bed facing the wall.

“You can enter.” Eiji’s arm muffled his voice.

Ash noted the books on the bed beside Eiji as he walked over to the desk chair.

Eiji sat up, bringing the pillow with him, and studied Ash’s clothes a moment. “Did you fight with it?”

“No.” Ash frowned. He noted that Eiji’s eyes were red and he seemed paler.

Eiji set the pillow aside and moved the books so they were in a stack in front of him. “We did not fight,” he said quietly. “It was…” he tried to think of a way to put it that would not sound worrying, “disappointment. Either way, I have these for you.” Eiji eased himself off the bed and set the books on the desk. “Until something better.”

Ash opened the atlas first. Everything was in Japanese. He did not recognize any of the characters. He opened the picture dictionary next. There were smaller letters above the kanji, some of which Ash recognized from things Eiji showed him.

“There is furigana,” Eiji said about the picture dictionary. “It helps. I have to teach you more hiragana first.”

Ash nodded. “I learned Spanish and French. I can learn this.” He could tell Japanese would be harder. “Do you know where I could get something to use with these?”

Eiji straightened his posture so his ribs would not hurt so much. “Mall,” Eiji said in Japanese. He waited a moment to see if Ash could guess the cognate and then he clarified in English, “The mall. It’s not a long walk.”

“If you’re up to it.” Ash could go by himself if he had to, though he would need directions.

“I am always up,” Eiji said with that snerk he got when he knew exactly what it sounded like he was saying. His grin widened when Ash rolled his eyes.

“Before we go, there’s something we’ve got to talk about.” Ash sat down on the foot of the bed and Eiji sat towards its center like so many beds they had sat on so many times. Ash frowned a little and then ran his hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes. He did not have to look at Eiji to see the way Eiji’s eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed together.

“The money I took from Dino is untouchable. We can’t use it anymore.” Ash held up his hand before Eiji might interject. “It’s okay. I’ve got my own fund for this. I just wanted you to know I’m covered, just not loaded.”

“You do not have to be ‘loaded’ to be here.” Eiji tried to sit as comfortably as possible.

Ash smiled slightly at that and then sighed. “I like it when you call me Ash,” especially how the sh was so soft, “but I want you to introduce me as Aslan. When you talk about me to others, I want to be Aslan. When it’s just us, it can still be Ash.” He should have realized this on the plane, but Eiji’s family already knew him as Ash from Ibe so maybe it did not matter. Ash was not sure if Aslan was the best name to go by, but it was the one on his escape account and as far as he knew, those who wanted him captured or dead the most would not know to go looking for that name. Ash was his shield and he needed to be naked for Japan to work the way he hoped it would.

Eiji nodded. “Aslan,” he practiced. “Aslan…Aslan…” He tried to will his tongue to say it more like an l than an r, but he kept landing somewhere in-between. He held Ash’s gaze and said, “Aslan,” very soft and low as he had said Ash so many times when it was just them alone.

Ash did not look away. His stomach tightened a little but not in a bad way.

Eiji eased himself off the bed. “We should go soon.” He did not want to run out of energy.

 

~

 

The day was sunny but not that warm. The mall was so close that it was also the nearest bus stop. The walk was not long but they still took it at an easy pace. Ash tried to memorize their route. The houses looked similar and the streets were all narrow. There were no sidewalks. Sometimes they passed the large areas of grass he saw from the taxi last night and by long, narrow canals. After a while, there were businesses mixed in with the houses. Once they got to the national road, things were more commercial and they were almost to the mall.

Once inside, Eiji sat at the first bench he saw. He took slow breaths, feeling each of them in his ribs. It was too soon for even such a short walk, but he did not want to spin his wheels in the house all day either. Ash joined him, his arms resting on his thighs. Ash kept scanning the crowd until something to their right drew his attention. Eiji followed his gaze. Someone was trying to take a picture of them.

Eiji got up from the bench and led them through the mall. People’s gaze followed them, drawn to Ash immediately. Ash let his hair fall into his eyes and kept his head down. Nothing set off his internal alarms.

“Oi! Oi! Okumura!” someone called out to them after they passed a sporting goods store.

Eiji looked back and then his face brightened. “Katō!”

Katō had a mop with him, almost done cleaning a big puddle at the entrance. He was taller than Eiji and broader. His skin was very tan from being in the sun daily.

Eiji and Katō began conversing in Japanese. Ash stood off to the side and listened to Eiji and Katō’s words, but he could not pick out any syllables. He should have paid more attention when Eiji would speak Japanese at him in New York or asked Eiji to teach him long before they were on the run.

“Who is your friend?” Katō asked in English.

Eiji motioned Ash to them. “This is Aslan. He’s a friend I met in America.” Eiji smiled. “This is Katō. He was on my team.”

“It is nice to meet you,” Katō said.

“You too,” Ash said.

They did not shake hands but they did not bow either, neither sure which was appropriate. Katō studied Ash’s face for a long moment, but he kept his observations to himself. He looked over his shoulder and into the store and then at Eiji. “Okumura, we need to get the team together and throw a welcome back party,” Katō said in Japanese, trying to speak as fast as possible. “We can go to the place we went to when we won. Everyone missed you when you disappeared.” He switched back to English, “You can come too,” he told Ash.

“Katō! I don’t pay you to gossip!” Katō’s manager said in Japanese from the doorway.

“Sorry!” Katō said with a bow. He looked at Eiji. “I’ll let you know what we can do.”

Eiji nodded and gave a small wave before returning to the flow of people moving through the mall with Ash. “He wants to throw a party,” Eiji said in English, “with the team.”

“You should go.” Ash ignored some girls at a nearby store trying to get their attention so they would buy things.

Seeing Katō again filled Eiji with nostalgia but also made his stomach feel sour. His dream that morning was so close to his own memory of running up to the planting block, flying into the air only to fall to the right of the mat rather than on the mat. He could remember Katō standing behind his coach watching in horror after Eiji fell. Everything about the memory was silent. He could remember their coach’s lips move but had no idea anymore what their coach said or if their coach was even talking to him. Eiji sighed. “I should. Will you go?”

“I don’t know.” Ash might just explore while Eiji partied.

They headed into the clothing store. It took a while to figure out Ash’s size in centimeters but with some trial and error, they managed to find him a pair of slacks, a dress shirt, and some underwear and socks. He made sure to buy things that were cheap but durable. He needed the money to stretch. $1 was roughly ¥150 and all the prices just made everything sound more expensive than they probably were.

They stopped at the bookstore next and Eiji helped Ash navigate the shelves to the language learning section. While Ash surveyed the spines, Eiji leaned against one of the shelves. There was no one in their section of the store.

Ash relaxed his shoulders. There were many resources to choose from and it was hard to know where to start. Dino hired private tutors who taught him French. He learned Spanish from the library and the street. He had an idea of what kinds of resources to pick, but which ones would be the best was the real question. He glanced at Eiji.

Eiji stood with his weight on his good leg, his breathing deliberately shallow and slow. He looked down the aisle, keeping alert to their surroundings.

Ash returned his attention to the books. He could not take too long. They still had to walk back to the house eventually. He picked a book on the writing systems and a book on conversational Japanese. He could look into books with more detail when his money was not so finite. Ash walked to the other side of the bookshelf and looked down the aisle the other way. Everyone moved normally. He looked back at Eiji who leaned against the bookcase more than he had when they arrived. They needed to find somewhere Eiji could rest.

There was a food court in the mall. They sat across from each other in a corner away from the flow of people.

“Sorry,” Eiji murmured. His ribs ached and the food court seemed too hot despite the comfortable temperature. He did too much too soon and he had more to do before the end of the day.

“No rush.” Ash made sure his bags rested against his legs where he knew where they were at all times and no one could take them. He leaned back in his chair. His gunshot wound did not sting as much as it did yesterday. It seemed to do better after the shower this morning.

Eiji rested his chin on his hand and took slow breaths. He knew he should probably drink something but he did not want to move. His gaze drifted back to Ash. Here they were in the mall Eiji went to almost his whole life. He thought about this so many times in New York, though he always thought Inasa Beach would be the first place he would take Ash. He still wanted to take him there at sunset. Maybe in a few days the thought of getting on a bus and heading up there would have more appeal. There were so many places, so much food, and so many things in Izumo to show Ash. Eiji had an entire itinerary in his mind he thought about off and on in New York. Maybe they would be able to see some things if he did not push himself like this again too soon.

“There are three women approaching,” Ash said quietly, “with strollers.”

Before Eiji could react, someone hugged him from behind.

“Ei-chan! We knew it was you!” the voice was chipper. Very chipper.

“Ritsuko-chan,” Eiji said. Who else could it be? They were in the same classroom at school almost every single year from the time they were in kindergarten until they went to different high schools.

“Hatsu-chan said that you would be home soon,” Ritsuko said. “Can we sit?”

“Uh…” Eiji said in English, which the women seemed to take as an “Un,” and sat down at the table. Ritsuko settled in beside Eiji. Mai settled in beside Ritsuko, and Emi settled in beside Ash. Ash scooted his chair over to the side a little, trying to preserve personal space.

All three of them had babies though Ritsuko’s was almost a toddler. Almost a toddler! Eiji tried not to stare at the child too much. Were people he went to school really that old? Was he really that old?

“Are you okay?” Ritsuko asked.

Eiji blinked. “Yeah.” He was not going to admit he had lost all concept of the passage of time. He made introductions and then the questions began to fly in Japanese and English from his former schoolmates.

“Did you enjoy America?”

“Is America as scary as they say?”

“Did you get mugged?”

“Are you glad to be back?”

“Who’s your friend? He’s super cute.”

“Definitely cute.”

“Are you going back to university?”

“Did you take a lot of photos?”

Eiji tried to follow them speaking all at once. His head spun. When things quieted, he said in English, “It was fun. I’m glad I went to America. Sometimes it was scary, but it was not Hollywood.”

“Hatsuko said you went to jail,” Emi said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Really.” Eiji made a mental note to ask Hatsuko how much she knew later.

“How do you like Japan?” Mai asked Ash.

“It’s okay.” Ash rested his arms on the table.

Emi stared at Ash’s hair as Eiji saw her stare at toys, pets, pencils, and so forth before touching them. Her fingers started to reach up when Eiji cleared his throat, breaking her fixation. “We… We arrived last night. We cannot stay long.”

“Of course,” Ritsuko said in Japanese.

Eiji got up from the table faster than he should have. He took a brief moment as pain shot through his ribs. Ash eyed him but gathered his bags. They bid the girls goodbye and headed out of the mall. Eiji’s pace was much slower than when they walked to the mall. The longer they walked, the slower the pace became. Eiji’s ribs ached but there was nowhere to stop. There were no parks or benches in-between the mall and home. Groups of students passed them on their way to the mall on the last day before school started. As they headed into increasingly residential areas, passersby thinned considerably.

Eiji’s gaze kept returning to Ash. Any moment now, he could wake up alone in his bedroom or with only Ibe on the plane. Maybe he would be at the hospital or in one of their hideouts that they shared with the gangs. Yet, the slight breeze ruffled his hair. Everything smelled like Izumo and looked like Izumo. All the people they encountered at the mall aged realistically.

“Do you need to stop?” Ash asked.

Eiji realized he was staring. He shook his head. “Thinking.”

It was hard to believe any of this could be true. It was hard to believe neither of them would likely ever have to hold a gun again. Eiji did not want to jinx it. He wanted to revel in it.

**To be continued…**


	2. Part One: Izumo,  Chapter Two: Just Be Yourself Even When It’s Difficult

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Two, in which Eiji divulges truths about himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Two, in which Eiji divulges truths about himself  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ash Lynx, Eiji Okumura, the Okumura family, original characters (teammates, professor); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 8,704  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** homophobia  
>  **Chapter Notes** I wanted to write a happy ending that was a means to work towards a happy ending, so there will be difficulties here and there that will resolve eventually.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part One: Izumo  
Chapter Two: Just Be Yourself Even When It’s Difficult**

Ash gripped his pillow so tight in his sleep that his knuckles paled. There were hands coming out the floors, the walls, the ceiling. They rested flat against his skin. Ash struggled against them, but more hands appeared and the weight of them crushed him. Laughter echoed behind the hands along with gasps of awe. He could not move his arms or his legs let alone roll away. The hands pressed firmer and firmer against his skin until he was no longer himself but the hands pressing together, squeezing until nothing remained.

He woke up and gasped for breath. There was enough daylight to see Eiji sleeping in his bed across the room. Ash rolled off his futon and stood, getting away from the feeling flatness all around him. He gripped the back of the desk chair to feel the curve of the wood and bowed his head. It was a week since he arrived in Japan and he knew his welcome wore thin. Learning Japanese was harder than he anticipated even with Eiji helping him gain vocabulary. People were always staring more so than they did in New York. Sometimes they tried to touch him. Ash shut his eyes tight.

The bed creaked and Eiji walked over to him quietly. Ash opened his eyes. Eiji stood close but not too close. They did not speak. Eiji’s fingertips rested on the corner of the desk. Hatsuko moved in the hallway and then down the stairs. Mrs. Okumura made minimal noise as she cooked in the kitchen. Eiji’s father would come home that evening.

“This…” Eiji’s voice trailed.

Ash felt his heart acutely against his chest. He gripped the chair tighter. He held his breath. Maybe Eiji had had enough of this mess. Maybe Ash should never have come here.

“This place,” Eiji said, “is not home.”

Ash relaxed his grip on the chair and looked at Eiji.

Eiji’s eyes looked through his desk and through the wall. “I’m not who they want. I do not want to be who I’m not.” He frowned and then met Ash’s gaze. “Do you want to go to Matsue?”

Of all the things Eiji could say, that was not what Ash expected. “If you feel up to it.”

Eiji nodded. “There is a job. Maybe. The train is crowded but not long.”

“Alright.” Ash let go of the back of the chair.

Eiji’s eyes came back into focus. He turned towards the closet.

Ash took a deep breath. “Eiji.” When Eiji looked at him, Ash hesitated. This was all he could really do. He slowly opened his arms.

Eiji stared for a long moment.

“Don’t over think it.” Ash took a step forward and wrapped his arms slowly around Eiji, careful of his injuries. Eiji hugged him back, burying his face into Ash’s shoulder. Ash pulled him as close as he dared. After a long moment, Ash relaxed his grip and Eiji pulled away.

“Thank you.” Eiji smiled softly. He would carry this feeling with him all day.

 

~

 

The train was new and there were pairs of seats on either side of a long aisle so everyone could sit. Most kept to themselves and if Ash felt eyes on him, it was in brief intervals. Ash looked out the window, watching the city fall away and the large lake glitter in the morning sun. As the train sped along, the lake disappeared and reappeared out the window.

Eiji tried to relax. After his pole vaulting injury, the days and weeks got away from him and before he knew it, he failed out of university. His photography professor reached out to him, offering him a job processing photos at his camera shop near campus when Eiji returned from America. That was two years ago. A few days ago, Eiji called the shop and apologized. Professor Sugihara made the offer again and set up a time with Eiji for an interview. Eiji glanced out the windows from his aisle seat. He had to do this. He could not stay in Izumo forever and Ash could not stay in that house forever either. They needed their own place for both their sakes.

After the train came the bus. Most people kept to themselves but the crowd seemed to close in around them. Every jostle of the bus shot through Eiji’s ribs. He was no longer in danger of his wounds reopening, but his bones were still healing. He bit his tongue and breathed through his nose. When their stop arrived, Eiji tugged on Ash’s sleeve and they disembarked.

The camera shop was down the street. Ash and Eiji agreed on an approximate time to return to the bus stop. Ash wished Eiji good luck and Eiji left with a small wave.

Once Eiji was gone, Ash sighed. The walkway was wet from a brief shower and the air was still stifling humid. A small fence separated him from traffic. There were apartments behind him and across the street. Whether Eiji got this job or not, this was likely where Eiji would move. Had Eiji brought him here because they would both live here? He could not assume so, but he could not assume the opposite either. Whether Ash ended up living with Eiji or not, he was in Matsue to do whatever he wanted for a long while.

Ash started walking down the street in the opposite direction of the camera shop. He had a list Eiji wrote of places that he could go and the buses he could take to get there, but the only way to get a feel for a city was to walk it. As he headed along, the buildings became larger on his side of the street and there were more students. In New York if he just put on preppy clothing and wore his reading glasses, no one thought twice about him using university resources. Here he would likely stick out no matter what he wore or how unassuming he made his hair look.

The other side of the street became more commercial than residential. It was hard to guess what half the stores were trying to sell or provide. When the campus ended and he approached an intersection, Ash paused, trying to assess which direction he wanted to go next. He had no specific type of destination in mind and did not know what to expect from any of his options. He chose the direction that would keep the sun out of his eyes.

 

~

 

Eiji emerged from the darkroom and waited for Professor Sugihara to finish with a customer. The first portion of his interview was questions and then Professor Sugihara gave him a roll of film to process with specific instructions. Eiji kept to the entrance of the backroom but looked out at the display room. It was a long rectangle and there were different photos on display and different cameras and accessories than there were the last time he visited. His eyes followed the curve of an antenna on a macro photo of an insect blown up to poster size on a nearby wall.

“Okumura,” Professor Sugihara said once the customer left, “are you finished?”

“Yes.” Eiji handed him the envelope of photos and negatives.

Professor Sugihara was a large but short man with glasses and a graying beard. He went through the photos carefully and then examined the negatives. “For two years away, you did well.” He repackaged the envelope and set it on the countertop. “Are you going to try to return to university?”

“I don’t know.” Eiji’s eyes shifted from the envelope to Professor Sugihara. “I want to work, to learn by doing. I took many photos in America. My passion hasn’t changed, but my plans have.”

“Do you have any of your photos from America?”

“They’re still in canisters at home.” All the photos he processed abroad were relevant to the intrigue around him. It was also easier to fly with the canisters since they took up less room in his bags.

Professor Sugihara nodded. “Process the negatives and bring them with you on Monday. I will give you more details on the size when the time comes. I will know by then if you have the job.”

Eiji nodded. “Thanks. I’ll have the negatives then.”

“Now that concludes the interview.” Professor Sugihara smiled. He marked Eiji’s name on the envelope of photos and filed it away. “You said you’ve been gone until recently. It must have been quite a trip.” He looked at Eiji. “Was it worth it?”

“Yes. I’m glad Ibe-san talked me into it. He was right. It was something I needed to do.”

“Good.” Professor Sugihara sighed silently. “Okumura, I will be honest with you and I want you to be honest with me. I have seen the worst of you, the part of you that skipped class, the part of you devoid of passion, the part of you that would stare into nothingness, trying to find the you that was lost at that tournament. If I hire you, I need some assurance that the Okumura who left Japan won’t be the Okumura who returned.”

Eiji’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth a moment. Of course, anyone who knew him during that time would have this concern. If Professor Sugihara could not overlook it then Eiji wondered how difficult finding a job in Matsue might be. He swallowed. “I promise.”

“I will speak with Ibe and see what he has to say of your time in America,” Professor Sugihara said as a bell chimed at the back of the store. He looked at the clock. “I must leave soon. Do you have any more questions?”

Eiji shook his head slowly. “No.” He already asked the relevant questions before he went to the darkroom. He hoped whatever Ibe said it would not compromise his chances though he did not think Ibe would say negative things.

“Good,” Professor Sugihara said. “Thanks for coming by today. I will see you on Monday.”

“Thanks for letting me have an interview,” Eiji said. He left once Professor Sugihara retreated to the back room.

 

~

 

Ash walked a good portion of the local area and eventually sat on a bench in front of the university library, reading his conversational Japanese book. After a while, he noticed a group of young men approaching him. He moved his feet into a better position to attack while seated if necessary.

“Are you Aslan?” one of them asked in English. “I’m Shimura. Katō said Okumura has a blond friend.”

Ash weighed his options. They were dressed like every other student on campus. They were also muscular with similar body builds to Eiji despite being taller and did not seem suspicious. “Yeah, I’m him.”

The group converged on Ash then and introduced themselves. Shimura was the current captain of the pole vaulting team. The others were Yagi, Matsuda, Saitou, and Yamamoto; all of them part of the team now and back when Eiji was part of the team. Ash stood up and put his book back in his pocket before shaking their offered hands. He moved away from the bench so he had nothing behind him.

“Is Okumura here?” Saitou asked.

“I have to meet him soon,” Ash said. “I should probably go.”

“Can we come too?” Matsuda asked. Yagi elbowed him in the ribs gently. “Hey –”

Ash’s hand rested on the waistband of his slacks. There was no gun. There was no knife either. He did not feel he needed either, but he wanted to feel them there. He ran his tongue along his teeth. It was like watching a defanged version of his gang interact with each other. Ash remembered Eiji staring off in the bedroom that morning. These people were the people that Eiji probably needed around him the most right now. “You can come. There’s a bus stop near this photography place.”

“Are you sure?” Yagi asked.

“Yeah.” Ash let them lead the way through campus. The pole-vaulters chattered away excitedly in a mix of English and Japanese, trying to coax Ash into conversation. Ash put his hands in his pockets and kept to the back of the group, but responded to anything said to him.

 

~

 

Eiji walked towards the bus stop he left Ash at that morning. He took a detour to buy sodas from a nearby vending machine since it was well into lunchtime. When he got to the bus stop, Ash was nowhere in sight. Eiji looked at his watch. If Ash went to one of the places Eiji suggested, it might be a while before he returned.

“Oi! Okumura!”

Eiji recognized Shimura’s voice. He blinked when he saw the pole-vaulters with Ash. He stuffed the drinks into one hand so he could wave with the other. He approached the group that crowded around him on one side of the walkway.

“Katō said you were around,” Shimura said in Japanese. “He also said you were with some blond guy. We found him pretty easily.”

“Are you returning to school?” Yagi asked in English.

“No,” Eiji said in English. “I had an interview.”

Since it was lunchtime and no one had class for a while, Eiji’s former teammates decided that lunch was in order. “Our treat,” Yagi said. “Do not worry.”

They crowded into a ramen stand down the street. Eiji found himself guided into the middle of the group. Ash remained on a far end. The first and second years Eiji knew when he was on the team were now fourth years and graduate students. Eiji was not sure why his image of Izumo and Matsue remained so static while he was in New York. The ramen was as delicious as it was when the team came here together years ago. The conversation remained a mix of Japanese and English.

Ash listened but kept to himself, his gaze returning to Eiji. Eiji’s laughter was clear and when he spoke Japanese, his words were quick and animated. Maybe this is what it was like for Eiji when the gang gathered to discuss strategy except there were more jokes and more mix of both languages. It was hard to follow, but Ash did not feel a need to follow the conversation either.

“This reminds me of first year,” Shimura said in English to Ash quietly. “Okumura is better than he was. You must be a good friend.”

Ash was not sure he would go that far. “He helped himself.”

“Maybe,” Shimura said, “but he could not do that here. I am happy he is well.”

Ash looked down at his bowl of ramen. It was fresher and more fragrant than ramen he had in America. Eiji told him he had a career ending injury from pole-vaulting and alluded to the aftermath being dramatic enough that Ibe thought coming to America would help. Eiji never elaborated beyond that. Everyone alluded to Eiji having an exceptionally difficult time before traveling to New York, and Eiji claimed that he did not regret the trip, but maybe Eiji should have stayed here instead. Maybe this is what Eiji’s afternoons should have been the last two years instead of drugs, gangs, and violence.

They finished their ramen and the team said goodbye before heading back to campus. Eiji led Ash down the street. “I do not know if the job is mine, but I will move here. Do you want to live with me?”

Ash looked at the university buildings in the distance and the shops and houses nearby. He wanted to keep living with Eiji, but their conversation from that morning returned to him. “Don’t let me ruin this. I know your family doesn’t like me and they don’t have to. I can figure something out if you want to stay there.”

Eiji frowned. He grasped Ash’s sleeve gently and led him into the outdoor entrance of a nearby apartment building. The entrance had a wall around it and Eiji guided them to a corner where they would be out of view from most people. “I am the problem, not you. Before I come to America, I was not what they wanted. They think I will grow out of myself. I will not. I want to be here,” he gestured to mean all of Matsue, “and if you want, you can be here with me too.”

It was cryptic, pained, and frustrated. Eiji’s eyes kept their focus and he did not look away. Ash ran through the words in his mind. Eiji talked about girls but never showed interest in them like the gang did. The times they kissed without pretense, Eiji was not hesitant. He promised Ash forever when it was not Ash’s right to ask for it. Maybe Ash always knew Eiji was gay. Maybe he did not want to know. “Are you gay…?”

Eiji licked his lips and did not look away. “Yes. I knew it second year of high school.”

Ash took a step back but did not walk away. The most intrusive thing Eiji did to him was take a flirtation too far. Eiji did not demand romantic or sexual things from him. He did not take advantage of Ash when Ash was varying degrees of sleepy or naked. Even now, Eiji asked him if he wanted to live in Matsue and did not tell Ash that they would both live here.

The longer Ash said nothing, the more Eiji became aware of the ache in his ribs. He put his hands in the pockets of his jacket where the soda bottles were now warm. Everyone around Ash who was gay could not see Ash as a person. Ash was the smartest person Eiji ever met, but even Ash did not want to see Eiji for who he was. Eiji was not sure what would happen. Ash did not have to return to Izumo. He did not have to stay in contact with Eiji. He could get on a train and be in another city easily. Eiji’s heart dropped to his stomach with great weight. When he moved way from Ash, his knee cracked. “The bus comes soon.”

Eiji was gay the entire time Ash knew him. Eiji was gay when Ash used him to pass a message. Eiji was gay when he saved Eiji from Dino’s mansion and still gay when Eiji saved Ash in turn. Eiji was gay when he promised forever. He was gay when he slept beside Ash when they were hiding from Foxx and his forces. He was still gay now and giving Ash the space Ash should want. Ash took a deep breath, put his hands in his pockets, and followed Eiji to the bus stop. He needed to think about it, maybe to sleep on it several nights over. A part of him always knew though he did not want to admit it. It was just another thing on the pile of things Ash had to think about now that he was in Japan to stay.

 

~

 

Eiji’s ribs still ached from the train when he arrived home with Ash. He rubbed his face and paused, assessing the shoes in front of them. All thoughts of recuperating in his room left. “My dad is home.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I’m sure it’s alright.”

“Parents are parents,” Ash murmured, his voice too quiet to carry.

Eiji sighed and then called out, “We’re home!” in Japanese.

“Welcome home,” Okumura called back. Soon he was in the hallway and had Eiji in a very warm hug. “Ei-chan, my son, I missed you.” He was Eiji’s height and build with the same flyaway hair his children had. His features, however, were sharper and reminded Ash of Hatsuko.

Eiji teared up and hugged his father tightly despite the pain. “I missed you too.”

Okumura let Eiji go after a long moment. “Your mother told me you arrived in a wheelchair. Are you all right?”

“I’m okay. The doctors in America are just really cautious.” Eiji moved away from his dad and said, “Dad, this is Ash, my friend.” He turned to Ash then and said in English, “This is my dad.”

Ash did not look away from Okumura’s gaze.

Okumura straightened. He kept eye contact. After a long moment, he shook Ash’s hand. “We heard a lot about you from Ibe.”

Ash did not miss the lack of greeting or even a rehearsed pleasantry. He could imagine the discussion Eiji’s parents must have had once Okumura came home. Ash doubted Okumura would put up the effort his wife had to be welcoming. All the things Ash could say, all the snark he could throw back was tempting, but Ash chose to keep up the quiet, pleasant act he put forth so far. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Their hands dropped. Okumura pushed his glasses up and continued to speak in English, “Ei-chan, please come with me to the study.”

Eiji did not want his first interaction with his father in years to be confrontational. He wanted to tell him about the good things that happened in America and talk about the job offer from Professor Sugihara. He wanted to assure his father that he was okay and then go pass out for an hour before supper. When Eiji struggled after the accident, his parents did not know how to talk about it. When he left university, they both treated it as a temporary thing that he would overcome. Somehow, Ash’s presence and this week were more seemed more disconcerting to his parents than the months before the trip to America. Eiji took as deep of a breath as he could. He told Ash he was gay and Ash did not immediately leave him. He could get through this.

Ash ran a hand through his hair once Eiji and Okumura disappeared. He needed to go upstairs and pack. Whether Eiji went with him or not, it was time for Ash to leave this house.

When he got to the top of the stairs, Hatsuko sat there with her feet on the second step and her chin on her hand in the shadows. She was home for the weekend with the hope she could spend time with Eiji.

“It is sad, yeah?” she asked quietly in English.

“What?” Ash asked.

“Our family.” She sighed. “Our country tries to change people like Eiji. They think he needs to grow.”

Ash stepped up into the hallway. He put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall out of view of anyone who might look up at Hatsuko.

“My friend could not like boys. She said she felt,” Hatsuko paused to think of the translation, “suffocated. She disappeared one day. I do not know if she is alive.” She sighed and stood. “I can see her in Eiji.”

Ash let his hair hang in his eyes. “Eiji is strong.”

“When he has purpose.” Hatsuko stood and smoothed out her shorts. “I must study,” she said with a waiver in her tone as Eiji had when tears threatened. She bid Ash goodbye and headed to her room.

The study had a desk that wrapped around three sides of the room with bookshelves above it. There were relevant books and archives of Okumura’s work on the shelves. There was a typewriter and a computer along with a desk chair at the far end of the room. There were no windows since all the walls were interior.

Please sit,” Okumura said to Eiji in Japanese. He closed the door behind him.

Eiji wanted to stay near the door, but he was too tired and his ribs stung too much. He sat and turned the chair so he could face his father, who stood so the door was blocked.

Okumura took a moment to collect his thoughts. “First, I will say that your mother can see positive changes in you since you came home. I can see them too. I heard you went to talk to Sugihara-sensei about a job. I’m glad you’ve found you motivation again.” Okumura paused. “However, some things have not changed, and I worry about your future because of them.”

If Hatsuko had Eiji all figured out by the time he was twelve, his parents likely had known he was gay just as long if not longer. He wondered if his father knew this conversation would happen someday or if he thought Eiji would find a nice girl instead. How hard was it for his mother to see Ash at the airport? How hard was it for his father to hear that Eiji brought a boy home with him? How hard was it going to be for his parents when they realized they could not talk him out of this?

“I will move to Matsue,” Eiji said. “Even if I can’t work with Sugihara-sensei, I will find a job I can do.”

“I don’t doubt that, but you must consider that some of your habits and associations might hurt such offers. I want you to realize now that you’re twenty-one that no matter what happened in America, this is Japan, and there are certain things all men must grow up from if they’re meant to function in society. I say this because I chose not to say this to you when you were young.”

“How can you talk about something without ever naming it?” Eiji met his father’s gaze. Eiji spent so many years grappling with attraction and the closeted person everyone expected him to be. Telling Ash that afternoon that he was gay had been terrifying and cathartic. He could not turn back on himself now, at least not with those who were closest to him.

“I don’t need to say it; we all know what this is about” Okumura pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “When I was your age I knew what was expected of me. I married your mother and left such things behind. You must also leave this behind. We let you go to America to heal, not to cling to childish notions.”

Eiji held his breath a moment. He studied his father. Okumura’s shoulders were tense and his eyes almost sad. Eiji’s heart began to ache. What life had his father lived? Who had his father given up? How could he ask Eiji to make the same sacrifice? The sixties were the past and even if the eighties in Japan were horribly stuck behind other parts of the world, certainly there was some kind of progress.

The silence stretched and Okumura sighed. He wiped his glasses on his shirt and returned them to his face. His tone was gentle. “If you continue this way, you will only hurt your friend. Your mother tells me he’s a nice boy even if he’s a gang leader. What will you do when you grow out of this? Why lead him on? Is that fair to him?”

The sympathy in Eiji’s heart ebbed and anger crashed. He was not that type of person. Even if Ash was a girl and Eiji was straight, he would never promise her forever, bring her to Japan, and then abandon her. He meant everything he told Ash. He planned to keep all of his promises. To lead Ash on was not his nature. If his father could not see that, then his father could never grasp any aspect of the situation, and this conversation was pointless. Eiji stood up, his ribs aching and wound stinging. “Ash isn’t an object to throw away!” Eiji took a breath and lowered his voice but not his intensity. “He’s my friend first and foremost. I don’t know if he’s gay. I don’t need him to be. Maybe he’s going to find a nice girl here. Maybe we’ll grow old together. I don’t know, but I do know I will never abandon him.”

“Eiji,” Okumura said firmly.

“I am gay,” Eiji said just as firmly. “That will never change. I know that’s not what you want to hear. If it’s too much of a burden, I can leave tonight.” He moved around his father and out of the study.

Mrs. Okumura was across the hallway doing laundry as an excuse to listen. “Ei-chan…” She headed into the hallway when he passed by the door.

Eiji paused at the bottom of the stairs and looked back at his parents. “Thank you for everything. I love you, but the thing I’ve outgrown is this place.” He went up the stairs. He could hear his parents talking to each other but he did not concentrate on the words. Once in his room, he pulled bags out of his closet. He felt stupid for making the effort to unpack days ago. He triple checked he had all his film canisters and then he started packing a mix of clothes, electronics, and relevant camera books. He looked at Ash and then slid an empty bag towards him. “Use this.” He was still so worked up that he spoke in Japanese. “We’re leave now.”

Ash already had his things stacked. He placed them in the bag. He did not know the exact words Eiji used, but he understood the meaning.

Eiji moved quickly, deliberately, but the packing was haphazard. He stopped in the middle of the room and scanned it. He added a Japanese to English dictionary to Ash’s bag.

“This is stupid,” Hatsuko said from the doorway in Japanese.

“It’s not.” Eiji opened his desk drawers into one of his bags.

“I meant Mom and Dad.” Hatsuko paused. “Well, and it’d be stupid if you stopped talking to us forever.”

“I’m leaving, not cutting off all communication.” Eiji checked his closet for anything he might need. “Just because I won’t live here doesn’t mean I’m going to be that much of a jerk.”

Hatsuko leaned on the doorway. “You don’t have leave immediately you know. What about your injuries? Can’t this wait until morning?”

“I can heal anywhere as well as I can heal here.” Maybe. Eiji double checked his bags again and assessed what he had and if he really needed all of it. As far as he could tell, he did not take anything superfluous. He adjusted some of the contents, trying to make sure the larger bags were equally heavy. He was going to carry his share of the load even if it hurt.

“Ei-chan…” Hatsuko’s voice trailed. She sighed.

Satisfied with his packing, Eiji zipped his bags up and walked to the doorway. He hugged her tight. “Sorry. I know we were going to hang out tomorrow. I know you’re worried. I have to do this.”

Hatsuko hugged him back. “You can stay with me. Both of you. Until you get your own place.”

Eiji hugged her tighter. “Thanks, but you live in Izumo. I need to be in Matsue. I’ll make it work.”

“If you’re sure,” Hatsuko said. “Maybe we can hang out in Matsue when you’re ready.”

Eiji nodded. He let her go. He turned to Ash. “Are you ready?” he asked in English.

“Yeah,” Ash said. He picked up Eiji’s bags and found a way to wear them and the bag with his things in it without issue. “Do you have everything?”

Eiji placed a hand on the strap of the bag on top. Ash stepped back. Eiji sighed. He did not have the energy to argue with Ash on top of all this. “I have everything.” He led the way downstairs. Half way down, he paused to listen. His parents were still talking.

Okumura said something in Japanese that ended in the past tense.

“He is twenty-one,” Mrs. Okumura said, “and should be allowed to make mistakes.”

There was a pause. “He is stubborn like his father,” Okumura said. “This could have been avoided if I’d said something years ago.”

“That American boy will leave him,” Mrs. Okumura said. “Once he’s settled into Japan, it will be over and Eiji will come to his senses. No one can change that American boy. He looks at you with a wild animal’s eyes. He will never settle.”

Eiji frowned. He finished coming down the steps, making sure to take them as loudly as possible without actual stomping. Hatsuko and Ash joined him. The Okumuras emerged from the kitchen.

“Thank you for raising me,” Eiji said in Japanese and bowed his head. “Thank you for caring for me. I will go now.” He was not going to apologize for being gay. Maybe it did cause trouble, but it did not have to cause any trouble.

Eiji’s mother hugged him tight. His father put a hand on Eiji’s shoulder briefly. Eiji swallowed, nodded, and said, “I’m off.”

Eiji glanced back once before shutting the door behind him. The walk to the train station was silent and slow. It was the third time Eiji made this walk in one day. His legs could handle it but his ribs ached even without the weight of the bags. He concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. He knew he was doing the right thing, but his heart hurt.

 

~

 

There was a youth hostel in Matsue not far from campus. It was the cheapest thing Eiji could think of off the top of his head. There were mostly young adults in the hostel but there were some families with pre-teens and children. Ash and Eiji secured one of the bunks in one of the bedrooms. Eiji picked up the bag that had his film in it, put on the strap, and then laid down on the lower bunk. Ash looked at him a long moment.

“Is…he okay…?” one of the boys in the room asked Ash in English.

“I’m fine,” Eiji mumbled in Japanese.

Ash leaned his arms against the upper bunk and quietly took stock of everyone in the room. They were about the same age as Ash and Eiji and all seemed excited about hanging out with the other travelers in the common room more than anything else. Ash could see into the common room through the open door. No one raised his internal alarm.

“Are you hungry?” Ash asked quietly after their roommates left.

“No.”

“I’m going to get you something anyway.” Ash could see vending machines in the common room.

“You can leave the bags with me.” Eiji moved so the bags could fit between him and the wall.

There was a mix of English, Japanese, and other languages coming from a group playing cards at one of the tables. Ash glanced back over his shoulder at their room. Was it Eiji’s injuries or mental? Ash was not sure. Maybe whatever New York was meant to cure Eiji of just postponed it. Maybe the drama leaving the house was just a continuation of previous trouble. Ash sighed and turned his attention to the vending machines. Some items were easier to discern than others were. There were vending machines with inedible things in them like batteries and umbrellas. Then there were some drinks machines and a few snack machines. One machine seemed to be selling some kind of something in a cup. Ash bought two bottles of water and some bags of some kind of chips. He got two cups of whatever it was. He returned to the room and nudged Eiji with his foot. “Sit up,” he said.

Eiji did so slowly. He rubbed his face. He was exhausted, but he needed to be more responsible. It was too easy to lie there and absorb the ramifications of what he did. It was too easy to almost fall asleep now that he could finally stop pushing himself physically. He forgot his pain medication at home.

Ash sat at the foot of the bed and put the food between them. When Ash’s mother left, it was up to Griff to care for Ash. The first few weeks were the hardest and Ash did not want to eat, sleep, or play. Griff would set food between them and take a little bit of it. Then he would wait until Ash took some to take a little more of it. Griff had always been good at pacing it in a way that seemed like sharing, though Ash suspected looking back on it, that Griff gave him the bigger percentage of whatever it was each time. Once Ash got used to the new living arrangement with Griff, it was easier for him to eat without coaxing and he began to sleep and play more.

“Sorry,” Eiji said after Ash passed him one of the bottles of water. “I will be better.”

Ash opened one of the cups. It was some kind of instant noodle. “Do you have a plan?”

Eiji opened one of the chip bags. “Yes. In the morning, I will process the film. You do not have to come. We can look for a place after.” They both knew that the hostel would close at ten in the morning and reopen at four in the afternoon. There was no reason Ash had to leave before ten if he did not want to.

They finished their food. Eiji moved to pull his legs up to rest his arms on his knees, but the movement hurt his ribs too much so he lowered his feet back to the floor. Ash rubbed his face. They could hear the card game getting loud from the other room. How many times had Eiji heard the gang loudly playing cards or something from another room? Sometimes Eiji would play too. Eiji’s shoulders relaxed. “It is my turn now,” Eiji said quietly, more to himself than Ash.

“For what?” Ash asked.

“Responsibility.” There were no guns or death here. Ash provided so much for him in the last two years, and now it was Eiji’s turn. Even if his ribs ached, even if his head wanted to spiral, it was his time to provide. Eiji picked up the trash and dumped it in the bin in the room. “I will sleep now. I want to start early.”

Ash lifted the bags Eiji did not want for the morning into the top bunk and then hoisted himself into it. He did not feel like being social with the others, but he did not feel like sleeping either. He got out the conversation Japanese book. There was enough light in the room to read. After a while, he could hear Eiji sleeping. Ash’s shoulders relaxed. His mind wandered. The room was warm. The card game began to quiet down. He did not remember falling asleep.

 

~

 

There was dark room access to the public at the university during certain days at certain times. All the times Eiji used these dark rooms during university bled together in his mind. It was the earliest anyone could be in the building. He worked quickly. The smell and the motions were all familiar. His hands grew more confident with each roll, though he did not want to make any mistakes. This was infinitely less stressful than trying to develop film in a bathroom with substitute equipment as he did in New York.

Eiji hung each set of negatives up to dry. When they were all dry, he carefully inserted the negatives into folder sheets he brought in his bag, keeping them in order. He would have to examine them later. Eiji cleaned up after himself and then shouldered the bag. He took a few deep breaths. It was too heavy. He should have put his camera things in the smaller bag he gave Ash, but the sheets would not have fit so nicely. Eiji sighed. He had to work with the choices he made.

When Eiji exited the darkroom, he stopped. Professor Sugihara stood across the hall from him, his hands clasped behind his back. Eiji opened his mouth and closed it. He did not know what to say. He held onto the handle of his bag, helping distribute its weight away from his injury.

“I spoke with Ibe last night,” Sugihara said. “He didn’t tell me the details, but I know from hearing the students you brought a handsome friend back with you. I saw such an American in a park today with some bags and I can see you’ve got more than just your negatives with you.”

“Yes.” Eiji’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He could not seem to swallow. His mind raced with everything he would have to do if he lost the job opportunity with Sugihara.

“Where are staying?” Professor Sugihara asked.

“A hostel near the castle.” Eiji willed himself to stand still despite the bag becoming increasingly heavier the longer he did not move.

Professor Sugihara remained where he was, his gaze never leaving Eiji’s face. “Does your friend love you?”

Eiji blinked. He never thought about it, let alone considered anyone might ask him such a question. Eiji hesitated on the first syllable of his sentence, not sure how to start it and then said, “…I don’t know. We…” never discussed it, never regularly kissed each other, never gave each other flowers or chocolate, never went on dates, the list went on. All their major displays of affection came when the moment seemed right and sometimes that meant going weeks with small touches and gestures. Despite that, Eiji thought that they seemed committed to each other and they did fight for each other. Maybe that was love. He did not think that kind of love was what Professor Sugihara meant.

“Walk with me, Okumura.” When Eiji fell into step with him, Professor Sugihara spoke so only Eiji could hear, “When I was ten, my older brother was seventeen. One afternoon when our parents were away, his friend came over to study. I thought nothing of it, it happened a lot.” He paused and checked that they were still alone. “One hot afternoon our parents returned early. I didn’t think anything of it, but after a few minutes in the house, there was a lot of shouting and soon my brother and his friend were running out with our father close behind. Our mother was crying.”

Professor Sugihara’s eyebrows seemed heavier and his wrinkles more prominent. He sighed. When my father came home, he gathered my brother’s things – photos, schoolbooks, artwork, novels – anything could remind us of him that we could do without and put all of this in the yard and burnt it until there was nothing left.”

There were a few students at the end of it just arriving to work on projects. Professor Sugihara did not speak for a long time. Once they were well away from the students, he said, “I never saw my brother again. No one spoke of him again. A month later the bomb dropped and a week later, the other bomb dropped. I try not to think about where he might have been for that.”

The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were just over forty years ago. Even Eiji’s parents could remember the aftermath. It had always been in the background of Eiji’s childhood and part of every adult he encountered in Japan.

“There are many people here who will not understand your friendship with your friend even if that’s all there is to it,” Professor Sugihara reminded. “If there is more to it, I don’t want to know and our clients certainly do not want to know.”

Eiji bit his tongue. The catharsis of speaking freely about who he was a fleeting privilege if he wanted to succeed to some degree in his own country. He could not go back into the closet in his heart, but he could not step fully out of it either. “Yes, sensei,” he made sure his tone was respectful.

“If you work for me, I can rent the apartment above the shop to you and your friend. This comes with conditions.” Professor Sugihara stopped at one of the exits of the building. “One, the clients cannot know your private life. Two, if your friend stays in the apartment he must go to Japanese classes or try to find a job or enroll to study at a university. Three, I must meet with your friend before we can finalize any of this.”

“Yes, sensei.” Eiji’s heart beat a little faster possibly from the strain of the bag or the excitement of securing employment and housing so soon or both. “I’m sure we can do all of those things.”

 

~

 

Eiji had two hours to find Ash before taking him to meet Professor Sugihara after lunch at the camera shop. Eiji took long strides and had to make a conscious effort to slow his pace. He hoped the park Professor Sugihara said he saw Ash at was the same park Eiji left directors for before leaving the hostel that morning. When he spotted Ash at a bench, Eiji sped up slightly with excitement and then slowed, some of that excitement dissipating. Ash did step back when Eiji told him he was gay yesterday. Ash had never really answered verbally if he would accept Eiji’s offer to live in Matsue either. “Does your friend love you?” echoed in Eiji’s mind. He did not know. It did not matter. He was not sure if Ash would stay until his ribs fully healed or if Ash might leave before that. Eiji did not want to pressure Ash to stay, though he hoped Ash would. Despite the short distance left to go, Eiji’s bag seemed to grow heavier and every breath felt rougher. Eiji flopped down beside Ash on the bench. “I did it.”

“Opened your wound?” Ash asked.

Eiji touched his clothes but there were no signs of blood or pus. His face felt flushed. “No. A place. It’s above the store. My teacher owns it.” He licked his lips. “I know I made it weird yesterday. I understand if it was too weird. If you want to live here with me, Sugihara-sensei wants to meet after lunch.”

From the moment the pole-vaulters approached him to falling asleep in a hostel, everything about yesterday was weird to Ash, but he knew which part of yesterday Eiji meant. Eiji was still giving him an opening to leave if he chose. The breeze rustled the leaves in the trees. The clouds passed by them in the sky. Children shrieked on the playground nearby. Did Ash really have any right to be here? Did he have any right to take Eiji up on that offer? Ash was not gay. He knew that much. He could hear each sharp breath Eiji drew. Their knees were so close they almost touched. That did not bother Ash, though his stomach still felt tight when he thought about yesterday. The silence continued to stretch. Eiji’s shoulders were still relaxed and his energy still calm. Ash breathed deeply.

Without Eiji, Ash would survive, but the tightness in his stomach would grow. When he walked to the library on the day they left New York, Eiji’s absence gnawed at him. If Ash declined, he would go back to silent bedrooms. He would go back to meals alone. He would go back to the only people who talked to him taking orders or looking for something from him. He could do all of these things. He could live like that if he had to. His heart rate skipped as it did just before Ash turned on his heels and chose to get on the plane. He could live like that but he did not want to live like that. He was not gay, but he wanted to stay by Eiji’s side, at least for a little longer.

“We’ve lived together for a long time without a problem,” Ash said. “If you’re inviting me to stay, I’ll stay.”

Eiji let out the breath he was holding. “I am. Thank you for staying.”

 

~

 

This was the second time Ash was in a camera shop. The one he went to once in New York was smaller and dingier. Ash studied the photos on the wall. They were all the same size and different subjects and distances. There were jars under them along with a much larger jar of marbles. The middle photo had the most marbles in its jar. Ash tried to read the descriptions under the photos, but he could only recognize the hiragana.

Ash did not know what he expected when Eiji described Professor Sugihara. He was older than Eiji’s parents were and seemed to draw attention to himself despite dressing to blend into others his age. After introductions, Professor Sugihara led them to the back of the store and up an outdoor staircase. “I use this to store things,” he said in English. “We can speak inside.”

The door was old and with some jiggling and muscling, it finally opened. The apartment was a very large room with a kitchenette to one side. Across from the kitchenette was a two-room bathroom. There were cleaning supplies in the room with a sink and a small room just barely big enough for a small bathtub, shower, and toilet. Beyond that were two bedrooms each with their own closet. The only furniture was a table and four chairs where the kitchenette became the living area. The oven and fridge were very old. There was a window in the living area, a window in the kitchen, and then two windows in each bedroom. There were several boxes stacked up in the living area and bedrooms, the weight spread about equally. It looked like someone cleaned the apartment occasionally and no one updated it in at least a decade.

Ash left the bags with their shoes. He did not mind if Eiji and Professor Sugihara spoke in Japanese to make things easier. He had some money he could contribute from his account, but he was not sure how long it would take Eiji to tire of him. So many exciting things happened in New York and they both had to rely on one another to survive. Japan so far was quieter, safer, and once Eiji recovered from his injuries, Ash was not sure what would happen. Eiji and Professor Sugihara’s discussion seemed to wrap around Ash in a murmur he could not untangle. Ash paused in one of the bedrooms and looked down at the street below. There were restaurants across the street and mostly students walking. He wondered if a sniper sat in the building across the street and aimed, where the bullet might crash through the window. Ash shook his head to clear it.

“Do you have questions?” Professor Sugihara asked in English once they saw the entire apartment.

The electricity, gas, and water would all be included in the rental payment. The mail would come to a postbox outside the building. They sat at the table and Professor Sugihara produced the rental contract drawn up in case he ever decided to rent the apartment. Since Eiji had a Japanese bank account, he would sign the legal papers. Before Eiji signed, Professor Sugihara reiterated his conditions and expectations that he told Eiji earlier that morning. He wanted Ash to work towards becoming a productive member of society so he could pay for half the rent in due course. He wanted the apartment kept clean and for them to report any kind of maintenance problem immediately. He reminded them that since the apartment shared a building with the shop, everything they did that the public would see or hear would reflect on the shop. If a radio or television was on during business hours, he requested that the volume remain quiet enough it did not disrupt clients at the shop.

Even though the lease had not been approved yet, Professor Sugihara allowed them to move in that day. Ash helped carry the boxes to a storage area on the ground floor while Eiji remained in the apartment to start the cleaning process. He dampened a cloth to start dusting and paused. He did not know if he got the job, but at least they had somewhere to stay that was not the hostel. He hoped good things would come of this place.

 

**To be continued…**


	3. Part Two: Matsue, Chapter Three: The Longer You Go the More You Defrost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Three, in which there are birthdays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Three, in which there are birthdays  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ashy Lynx, Eiji Okumura, original characters (teammates, contest rep); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 7,685  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** suicidal thoughts, language, mild panic attack, memories of a canon character's violent death, nightmares, mention of past drug use  
>  **Chapter Notes** Shorter’s death comes up in this chapter. I didn’t know how to warn for it so that’s what “memories of a canon character’s violent death” means. Not sure if I have to warn for it since I’m not going into graphic detail, but I figured might as well cover my bases just in case. I chose to give Eiji the birthday August second because I read once his name could be read that way or something like that. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I liked the idea of him also being a Leo. I also decided to post the entire fic in one go after the initial reviews so people can see it became apparent this is a fic that needs to be complete ASAP. Apologies to everyone’s inboxes

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Two: Matsue  
Chapter Three: The Longer You Go the More You Defrost**

Eiji got the job processing photos at the camera shop. He worked six days on and three days off. Periodically he added his New York rolls to the queue and paid for standard processing. He labeled the envelopes neatly by date and location and put them in a drawer in lieu of sorting them into albums.

The drawer of photos stared at Ash as he ate his breakfast. He had not looked at them yet, though Eiji said he could whenever he wanted. New York felt like years rather than a couple of months ago. He wanted to leave it behind and move on towards whatever his life in Japan would be. Even after cleaning up, his eyes returned to the drawer. Sometimes he took photos with Eiji’s camera, usually just one photo each instance. He never expected to see them, but they were right there lurking among the photos Eiji took. It was the weekend. Eiji was at work and Ash had nowhere else to be since his Japanese class only met on weekdays. It was enough motivation.

Ash kept the envelopes in the order Eiji kept them. He moved through the photos quickly at first, but gradually slowed. Eiji had an eye for angles, lighting, and drama. Every place was familiar but approached through the eyes of someone finding them all new and exciting. There were photos of events like parades and protests as well. Most of the photos in the first envelope seemed to be from when Ash was in prison. There was a view from presumably wherever Eiji and Ibe stayed. Ash followed the skyline and the birds in the distance.

The photos towards the bottom of the stack were from the Cape Cod trip. Ash lingered on a photo of Shorter and him. They were laughing about something with big fluffy white clouds in the background. What were they talking about? Why were they laughing? Ash had no memory of it, though he could still remember Shorter’s laughter if he thought about it enough. The photo slipped from Ash’s hand but landed on the table. Ash took a breath and then put the photos back into a stack, shoved them into the envelope, and put all the envelopes back in the drawer. He needed to get out of the apartment.

Ash’s feet took him around Matsue aimlessly. Much of it was familiar from wandering after class during the week. His Japanese class specialized in preparing students for everyday life in Japan. Each lesson had a theme and put vocabulary together centering on things like bank accounts, grocery trips, and other necessities while also tackling sentence structure. Hiragana became easy, katakana was full of symbols that looked near identical, and kanji was a function of memorization and repeated exposure. It was much harder than French and Spanish, but not impossible. The class had people of varying competencies, most of which were housewives. Ash was the third best of the five beginners and the youngest in the class. It went slower than he wanted it to, likely a residual side effect of the drugs that blinded him during his final stay at Dino’s mansion.

The clouds rolled in and the rain started. It seemed to rain every other day now that it was almost summer. Ash stared out at the Asakumi River from a bridge. His head hurt and his shoulders ached. Every day he seemed to get up later and go to bed later. Learning Japanese gave him only so much purpose and direction. He gripped the railing tight as the rain slapped against the water. It would be so easy to just pitch himself over the railing and let the water invade his lungs.

Eiji was so strong. It amazed Ash how easily Eiji could just fall into a normal routine, how Eiji could just function despite his low point at the hostel. Everyone seemed to allude to a side of Eiji that sank so low he could only escape by coming to America, but Ash always saw an Eiji that could do anything once he chose to do it. To a point at least. Maybe Ash chained Eiji to Japan. Eiji had free will of course, but what did staying in this country cost Eiji? They had all those photos from New York, but Ash had not seen Eiji take any photos since they returned. Maybe it was because Eiji’s ribs only finished healing in the last few weeks. Maybe New York was just so new and different Eiji wanted to capture all of it. Yet, Ash saw several albums of photos stacked neatly in Eiji’s closet in Izumo. What changed? Ash sighed and continued to listen to the rain.

 

~

 

At the university campus, Eiji stared at the photos on the gallery wall. After Eiji enlarged the best photo from each of his rolls to the directed specifications, Professor Sugihara suggested Eiji display them at a community showcase sponsored by the university. Eiji set up his small space of wall a month ago and arranged his photos to tell their own story. The smaller photos were all about the size of a piece of notebook paper. They contained no people. Eiji chose them for use of color or composition. He wanted to draw the eye and catch attention with them. He had two medium photos of zoomed out perspectives on a parade and a protest. He placed them so the seat of green flowed into the smaller photos and the protest marched towards them. In the center of his space, he placed his largest photo. He took it during his time staying with Sing after escaping Yut-Lung. They were out in the alleys one early morning and Sing got the idea for the photo. There was no one else on the streets. The rising sun filtered through an intersection of alleys where Sing ran through, jumping at the right moment to strike a dramatic pose against the light. It was from long ago enough that Sing still seemed small. The light source location helped obscure Sing’s features.

Sing told Eiji at the time that he wanted to fuck with people’s perceptions of New York street gangs and made Eiji promise to use the image someday. The shot was perfect. Eiji sent Sing a smaller copy of the photo. After a month back in Japan, Eiji received a get-well card from Max and Jessica in the mail and a letter from Sing forwarded from Izumo. He told none of them about Ash.

Eiji’s heart ached. Even though he said his goodbyes to New York, he missed his friends in the gangs. He missed the noise, the atmosphere, and the freedom to be himself. While it was nice to live the last couple of months without guns and violence, his routine threatened to suffocate him. He had not seen anything worth photographing since returning home even after he healed enough that he stopped taking pain medication. Eiji sighed and continued dismantling his display.

When he finished packing the photos into his portfolio, Eiji stepped out into the rain with his umbrella. His feet led him to the Asakumi River. He stared out at the water and listened to the rain. His shoulders lowered and he breathed in the smell. He had to be strong for Ash. He knew what it was like to stay in a country with a different language, customs, and culture. If Eiji felt like the river had already swallowed him whole, he could not imagine how Ash currently felt. Eiji vowed to keep moving forward. His eyes shifted to a bridge nearby.

 

~

 

The rain was rhythmic, but it became harsher the longer Ash stood on the bridge. He should return to the apartment, but the sound was strangely comforting. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see the East River as clear as the last time he stood over it, teetering on the impulse to fall into the water. Back then, Griff was in his care, and he could not let Griff end up back in that disgusting VA hospital. Now he had no obligations.

Footsteps approached. An umbrella covered his head. Ash opened his eyes.

“You will catch cold,” Eiji said quietly in English. Upon moving into the apartment, Ash asked Eiji to speak Japanese to him to help him learn it. Eiji still spoke English if what he said was important or he was concerned.

“That’s an old wives’ tale.” Ash held the umbrella so it would be easier to keep both of them out of the rain.

They remained on the bridge watching the river. The rain continued to fall. People passed them on bikes and on foot.

“I know it’s hard. I want to help.” Eiji’s gaze shifted to Ash.

“I…” Ash’s voice trailed. Words of assurance and strength eluded him. Trying to throw himself into learning Japanese helped but it was hollow. The food was different. Even crossing the street had a different rhythm to it and pedestrians did not always have the right of way. He was unmistakably American and that did not always help. His brain kept looping into destructive impulses but he never committed to any of them. It was exhausting. “I don’t know.” There was no better answer.

Eiji put a hand on Ash’s shoulder and squeezed. If they were in the apartment, it would have been a hug. Eiji let go. “We will make American food tonight.” What else could he offer? What else could he do?

They walked back to the apartment. More students passed them as the high schoolers began to leave their schools. The rain began to let up just as they turned into the alley behind the camera shop.

 

~

 

The apartment took shape slowly. Food, futons, towels, soap, and so forth were the first necessities. There was no television but they had Eiji’s radio. So far, there was no evidence of any threats following them to Japan so there was no practical reason to share, so Ash claimed the room that overlooked the street and Eiji claimed the room that overlooked the alley. They used enough light to see but not enough to attract attention. Curtains would be the next major purchase.

The radio played quietly from where it sat on the table. There were only a few stations in their area all available from the NHK. Sometimes one of the stations played music. Ash and Eiji sat on the floor with pillows. Eiji’s pencil moved quickly as he did the budget for the month. Ash watched him from over one of his Japanese workbooks. Without the money Ash stole from Dino, he would have to get a job eventually. The more Japanese he learned, the more his options improved, but even then, they were severely limited.

The radio announcer stated the time. People in New York would wake up soon and look forward to fireworks and parades. The Fourth of July always felt too hot to move in New York, but the fireworks were always worth the effort.

Eiji set his pencil down and rubbed his face. It was a hot, humid, lazy afternoon. The song was slow like one of the songs he used to dance to with Ash when they were alone in New York. The dancing started as a joke, a way to pass the time. The last time they danced to it, they were in the luxury apartment in New York. Ash’s hands were dry and rough and Ash’s stubble was faint against Eiji’s cheek. They moved closer and closer and then the song ended. They remained close until the DJ began talking and then they slowly moved apart. Eiji’s hand slid against Ash’s fingertips and his heart pounded in his ears.

Ash could discern the syllables in the lyrics and feel the familiarity of the slow pop beat as the radio continued to play. The first time he danced with Eiji was in a rundown apartment in New York when they were lying low before they relocated to the upscale complex. It was sunny at the end of a long afternoon. Eiji pulled Ash from the couch and they danced like idiots. There was no regard for the slow beat, and only their hands touched, Eiji laughing by the end of the song. Somehow it turned into a habit, somehow the dancing became slower, their proximity closer, maybe because they both wanted to be closer. Ash missed the dancing, the closeness. He missed sharing a room and running through the streets together. Did that make Ash gay? Ash did not know and did not want to think about it too hard.

Ash set his workbook aside and observed Eiji smiling to himself. Ash stood up and offered a hand to Eiji. “New song?” he asked in Japanese, the plurality of the word ambiguous.

Eiji stared at his hand a long moment before taking it and letting Ash pull him to his feet. “New song,” he agreed.

The dancing at first was clunky, but as the music continued and the songs changed, they moved closer, becoming more coordinated and deliberately dramatic. When the third song ended, Ash lowered Eiji into a dip that Eiji began to slip out of and it became more of a slow drop to the ground.

Eiji laughed and Ash smiled. Ash joined Eiji on the floor and they both stared up at the ceiling. The radio continued to play. Even though they were not touching now, Ash could still feel Eiji’s weight in his arms. He could still feel Eiji’s breath on his neck. His heart beat louder and his stomach twisted. He wanted to hold Eiji again.

“I don’t know what I am,” Ash admitted quietly in English. “Maybe this is how I’ve been trained to feel.”

Eiji held his breath a long moment. He still felt the remnants of Ash’s touch. He could still almost feel Ash holding him until his grip slipped away. Eiji closed his eyes and evened out his breathing. He did not want to read too much into things. He could not. He opened his eyes and rolled onto his stomach so he could look at Ash.

“There’s a lot about me I don’t know. I never thought…” Ash’s voice trailed. Who knew he would live this long. Who knew he would escape. Who knew he would ever have to think about an actual job. He would be twenty soon. It was surreal.

Eiji licked his lips. “It’s not the end,” he said slowly. It was not quite the right thing to say but he could not think of a better sentence in English or Japanese.

“Maybe,” Ash murmured. He sat up and rubbed his face. “I will take a shower,“ he said in Japanese before leaving to do just that.

Eiji sighed and then sat up slowly. He heard the bathroom door close and lock. Eiji picked the discarded budget and pencil off the floor and put them on the table. Was he helping Ash or hurting him? Ash chose to pull him from the floor and dance with him. Ash chose to accept whatever hug or touch Eiji bestowed upon him and Ash chose when to initiate such things when he felt like it. Maybe Eiji was influencing the situation more than he meant. He sighed. He wanted to do the right thing. He did not know what it might be.

 

~

 

Ash threw himself deeper into studying Japanese. He went to various libraries across Matsue, challenging himself to learn the city more. As he began to hear Japanese clearer and understand more of it, he questioned getting on the plane months ago less. Ash walked across the river to one of the closer library branches. He browsed through the easy reader section, picking out books with furigana to help with pronunciation. Ash turned towards a study area and froze.

A colorful mohawk caught his eye. It was the right shape and size. Even the texture of the hair looked right. Ash’s heart pounded in his ears and he almost dropped the books in his arms. The man was the right height, the right build, and dressed about the right age. He disappeared towards the adult section. Ash followed. The man’s back was always to him. Ash tried not to move too quickly or seem suspicious. He knew there was no way, but he could let the man out of his sight. Once they reached the adult shelves, the man turned and his face was wrong just as Ash knew it would be.

Ash gripped his books tighter and ducked down a different set of shelves. He could still remember Shorter telling him that dumb angel thing in reform school. How they would hang out at the Wong’s restaurant and Nadia would make them wash dishes if they got in the way. He remembered how wide Shorter’s eyes were, how large his pupils were the last time Shorter spoke to him. How Shorter’s voice trembled. Ash gripped the books in his arms so tight that his knuckles became almost white. He closed his eyes and tried to think of anything else. His heart hurt and he could not calm his breathing. Being in Japan was softening him. It made it hard to push things away deep inside. Ash started counting mentally in Japanese, letting his brain focus on that instead. His grip slowly began to relax.

“Ash,” Yagi said and put a hand on Ash’s arm.

“Don’t touch me,” Ash hissed in English and stepped away. Then he blinked. He was in the library. Yagi and Matsuda stared at him. Ash needed to get a handle on his brain. It was going to get him in trouble if he did not get it back to normal. “Sorry,” Ash said in Japanese. “Now,” a pause, “I am okay.”

“Are you sure…?” Matsuda asked in English to make doubly sure.

Ash nodded. He lowered the books in his hands and let his grip on them become more casual.

Yagi ran a hand through his hair. “New subject,” he said in English. “Eiji’s birthday.”

Ash did not know when Eiji’s birthday was. It never once occurred to him and Eiji never mentioned it nor did Ibe. As far as Ash knew, the gang must never have asked Eiji either because they always tried to find an excuse for cake.

“We want to do it with the team,” Matsuda said. “Maybe at the festival. We can watch fireworks and bring food.”

“We want to leave Sunday open,” Yagi said, “if he has a girlfriend.”

“So, did you have something in mind?” Ash relaxed his arms a little. He hoped they did. He had never planned a birthday.

Yagi and Matsuda had many ideas. They wanted to invite the teammates that liked Eiji from when they were all on the team together. They could nab a good fireworks spot and bring food and drinks. Katō would definitely know how to get in touch with everyone. They could surprise Eiji before the fireworks started shooting off and have some kind of dessert to share. Ash let them do the bulk of the planning. Ash volunteered to bring drinks. Matsuda promised “tasty food,” but did not elaborate on what that might be. Yagi would talk to Katō and help get everyone together.

When Yagi and Matsuda left, Ash sighed and looked around at the bookshelves. He looked down at the books in his hands. He could almost feel Shorter standing beside him. He tried to push the feeling away. He needed to study, but it was hard to breathe and the shelves seemed too close together now. Ash could still remember the weight of the gun in his hand. The ache in his shoulders from being chained up so long. The sound of Shorter’s body hitting the concrete. The autopsy table. Ash needed to leave.

He returned the books and walked away from the library without direction. He wanted to run, but it would attract too much attention. In New York, he could have just turned down an alley and no one would follow or care. In Matsue, he would just end up out of place on a side street in the middle of apartments or houses. When Ash finally slowed his pace, nothing was familiar. He walked until he recognized his surroundings but he did not head home yet.

 

~

 

The camera shop was slow during summer holidays, but Eiji knew once school was back in session, they would have more photos to process than usual. He emerged from the darkroom and looked at the clock to time his break.

“Okumura,” the worker behind the counter said to him, “there’s someone to see you.”

A middle-aged woman stared at the displayed photographs. The display changed every month and the photo the customers liked the most won a small amount of money. When she saw Eiji, she approached him with a smile. “I’m Tachibana Rumi and I help select photos from the Chūgoku region for a national competition in Tokyo every year. I saw your section of the community showcase this spring, and I was very impressed with your photo of the boy jumping.”

Eiji did not know what he expected her to say. After a moment, he smiled. “Thank you.”

Tachibana reached into her briefcase and took out several pieces of paper. “I think you could do well in our travel section of the competition. I want to nominate your photo. I have a copy of our guidelines along with a submission form.”

Eiji took the papers. He glanced through them.

“The deadline is September first,” Tachibana said. “The competition will open the gallery to the public starting October first. The awards ceremony will be December eleventh. Each category will have a winner, and then there will be someone who wins the entire competition.”

Eiji nodded. “Thank you for nominating me. I will do my best.”

Tachibana smiled. “You have a good eye. Good luck.” She bid him goodbye and left the store.

Eiji stared at the papers in his hands. He had to do this. If he gained any professional traction from this, he did not know what he would follow it up with, but he had to enter.

It was hard to keep focus for the rest of his shift, but Eiji managed. When he arrived at the apartment, Ash was not there, but that was not unusual. Eiji went through the guidelines and rules for the competition. The photo of Sing fit the criteria and the guidelines did not sound creepy or exploitative. Eiji set the forms where they would stay nice. He wanted to sleep on things before he filled out anything. If he did submit the photo he would tell Sing and if he won, he would definitely send Sing some of the prize money. It seemed fair.

Eiji was almost done making supper when Ash arrived. Whichever of them was home when it was time to cook made whatever meal. If they were both home, whoever did not make it the night before would make it.

“I’m home,” Ash said in Japanese.

“Welcome home. Supper will be ready soon.” Eiji turned away from the stove and paused. Everything he wanted to say about the competition dissipated.

Ash’s shoulders and jaw were tense. He slunk into his room.

Eiji frowned, finished the dish, and turned off the burner. Ash’s door was open and the lights were off. Ash sat on his futon so that he could see out the window without anyone outside being able to see him. Eiji knocked on the doorframe and Ash scooted over so Eiji could sit beside him. They looked up at the dark sky. Cars passed outside and people talked excitedly as they entered and exited the nearby restaurants.

“Today…” Ash’s voice trailed. His brows drew together as it did when he was mentally translating. It was not a hard sentence but his brain did not want to cooperate. “Today I saw Shorter.”

Eiji glanced at him but did not say anything. He was not sure if that was the verb Ash meant to use.

“At the library. A man and…” Ash switched to English, “a mowhawk,” he switched back to Japanese, “was there.” Ash put his elbows on his thighs and ran his hands through his hair until his head bowed and his hands rested on top of the back of his head. His stomach was sour, but he managed to break from perseverating on the negative memories a while ago. He needed to find a way back to how it was in New York when he could burry things effectively, when things were numb.

Eiji put a hand on Ash’s back, feeling the way Ash tried to breathe evenly. Eiji did not want to think about his final memories of Shorter. He wanted to remember Shorter’s wicked sense of humor, the way his lips would curve into a grin. He wanted to remember talking to him quietly in the back of the truck while they rumbled along with Ibe asleep and Ash up front with Max. Eiji was so weak back then. When the scientists manipulated Shorter’s mind, he should have tried harder to subvert it. He should have tried to talk to him, reason with him. Eiji’s jaw tensed. His hand curled into a fist against Ash’s back. Maybe even if Eiji tried harder, everything would have ended up the way it did anyway.

“The team wants to go to the fireworks with us on Saturday to celebrate your birthday,” Ash said in English after they were silent for too long.

Eiji’s stomach twisted. Shorter died on his birthday. He did not think Ash knew this. Everything happened so fast. Eiji would not have noticed the date had he not been thinking about his birthday in the week leading up to it at the time. “Alright,” he said very quietly.

“They said your real birthday is Sunday.” Ash stood up and stretched. “If there’s something you want to do, let me know.”

Eiji got up and stretched. He watched the people out the window. “I will think about it.” Last year his birthday was slow and hot. He kept it to himself, not feeling celebratory. Even now, he was not sure if he wanted to celebrate it. He followed Ash out of the room. He could tell him about the contest later.

 

~

 

Every summer Matsue had a fireworks festival and display on Lake Shinji. The streets were crowded and there were food stalls trying to entice people to eat. People arrived in yukata, jinbei, and modern clothing. In some ways, Ash preferred the crowds. More people meant more anonymity, but he was more on guard since more people also meant more chances for someone to strike without warning.

Ash and Eiji were not the first or last to arrive at the meeting spot. Some of the teammates brought their girlfriends, wives, and children. Some were still at the university and others worked in Matsue. Some stopped by to wish Eiji a happy birthday and then went to enjoy the festival or find a viewing spot elsewhere.

It was one thing to be center of attention standing at first place on a podium in a stadium for Eiji. It was overwhelming to be the center of attention with people crowding around him. Once enough of them gathered, they set out to find a good spot that was big enough for all of them. Once they found a spot, the cake was easily divided and every grabbed a drink. The fireworks began not long after they settled. The display was big and elaborate. The trails of light streaked and sparkled in the sky. When it finished, they picked up their trash and said their goodbyes.

The walk home was longer than it normally would be. As Ash and Eiji neared the camera shop, Eiji veered off towards a park. There was no one there. He sat on one of the swings, letting it move gently back and forth without his feet leaving the ground. Ash did not sit on the other swing. He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans and kept alert. People talked in the distance. Cars passed by on the road. If anyone noticed them, they chose to leave them alone.

“Your birthday is soon,” Eiji said in English. He spoke so much Japanese now he felt like he lost the gains he made with English in New York sometimes. “In Japan turning twenty is big like eighteen or twenty-one in America. Whatever you want, I will do it.”

Ash sighed. “I don’t want anything.”

Eiji got up from the swing, his knee cracking involuntarily. “Think about it. I want it to be fun like today was.”

They returned home in step with each other as clouds began to obscure the moon. Ash frowned a little and his gaze turned to Eiji. Eiji’s birthday must have been somewhere in that mess with Cape Cod, LA, and Dino. No wonder the gang never got Eiji’s birthday out of him.

Eiji nudged him gently. “What?”

“It’s going to rain.” It likely was. The wind was already picking up around them. Ash could feel Eiji’s gaze. Eiji did not press and Ash did not elaborate.

 

~

 

Rain drummed against the roof and Eiji could not sleep. He rolled over and stared at his clock. He was twenty-two now. Every time he drifted to sleep, he entered a hellish nightmare. He could not save anyone and could not do anything in his dreams. Skip, Shorter, Griff, and the rest all died. Even when he had a gun in his hands, his vision was too blurry or his hands too shaky to be of use. It was like his birthday last year except the night was warmer and their apartment was much safer. When Eiji started to drift off, sometimes he could smell blood, brick, and feel the scars on his chest sting. Even though Yut-Lung gave him drugs to help the bedroom with Dino float away, Eiji could still remember his fight with Shorter, how every movement his body made felt like pudding. Sometimes he opened his eyes because there seemed to be a sudden weight across his chest, but there was never anything there no matter how fast his heart raced or how many knots his stomach twisted. Last year Ash slept nearby and his breathing would lull Eiji back to sleep. With separate bedrooms all Eiji could hear now was the rain.

Eiji did not know when he slipped into a calmer sleep pattern, but he woke to the smell off coffee approaching him. Ash knelt at the side of his futon, setting the mug on the floor so it would not accidentally spill. “Get dressed. Get your camera. We’re going somewhere.” Ash tapped the mug and then left the room. He was already fully dressed.

Eiji sat up and rubbed his eyes. The clock said it was eight-thirty in the morning. Ash was no longer in sight. Eiji sipped his coffee and started hurrying to get ready.

 

~

 

Ash paid for everything. They took the train to Sakaiminato only to almost miss the bus to Shimane Peninsula.

“Where are we going?” Eiji asked quietly in Japanese. He knew what was on the peninsula. He was not sure what Ash might know was there or might choose to visit.

Ash thought a long moment, sorting through verb tenses, and then said something in response.

Eiji thought a moment. “Do you mean ‘We’ll see?’”

Ash looked at him, processing. “We’ll see,” he said in English.

Eiji repeated the statement in Japanese. Ash repeated it to himself quietly.

When they disembarked from the bus, they walked towards the lighthouse on the cape. Miho Bay was to one side and the Sea of Japan to the other. Eiji had been there a few times when he was young. The ocean crashed. The whiteness of the lighthouse stood out against the sky. Everything around them seemed to be blue, gray, white, or green. The sea breeze ran through their hair and filled their lungs.

“How…?” Eiji asked in Japanese.

“A classmate,” Ash said. Sometimes the class talked about interesting things they did to help build vocabulary. One of his classmates brought in a photo of the lighthouse and talked about going to see it. He remembered their story enough to piece the route together.

Eiji leaned on the railing of the overlook. There were ships in the distance. Ash leaned beside him. Tourists milled around them. Eiji continued to watch the view, becoming increasingly aware of the camera bag at his side. Nothing seemed like the right subject. The lighthouse, trees, bay, and ships all seemed so familiar and static. Even though he wanted to build up a portfolio to follow his New York shots, Eiji was not sure the lighthouse was the right subject. Maybe there was no right subject here. Maybe New York only distracted rather than helped him. He needed to find a way through this. He needed to try.

Ash looked away from the ships to Eiji. .When Ash saw his classmate’s photos of this place he thought it might inspire something. In New York, Eiji was always assessing things for photos and taking photos when the subject and opportunity presented itself. Ash remembered Eiji sitting on his bed in that luxury apartment, carefully threading film into his camera. He worked under the sheets, careful not to expose the film to light.

When Eiji saw him in the doorway, he closed the back of his camera and brought it out of hiding. “Want to help me?”

Ash was not sure what he could help with, but he was curious enough. “Sure.”

There was a click and a whir. “On this roll, you will be the first photo,” Eiji said with warmth.

Ash made a face. What would that picture even look like? What expression had he even made? Was Eiji going to look at that photo years from now and see Ash making some bland expression at a dumb angle? Ash moved deeper into the room and fixed his hair with his fingers. “Let me try again.”

Eiji tilted his head, assessing Ash’s look. “Like that?”

“What does that mean?” Ash doubted he looked that bad.

“You need a crown.” Eiji grinned and left the room. When he returned, he had a decorative wreath that normally sat around a group of candleholders. He stood on his toes and placed the wreath on Ash’s head, finding the right angle to keep it from falling to the floor.

“Does this look come with a toga?” Ash asked with a snort.

Eiji was quiet for a moment and then his eyes shone. “Yes.” He pulled the sheet from his bed. “Here.” He draped it over Ash and secured it in place with clothespins he used to dry photos.

“Does this meet with your approval?” Ash stuck his hand dramatically into the air for effect.

“Do you miss anything?” Eiji moved around Ash, adjusting the toga’s placement, but did not add anything more to the costume.

They giggled. Eiji retrieved his camera. “Ready?”

Ash lifted his arm in the air. He kept his head at the right angle so the wreath would not slip. He tried to think regal thoughts. They took another one, this time with Ash holding a toaster like it was a relic of the Gods.

For their third picture, they decided to pose together. They found a tablecloth Eiji could use as a one-shoulder shawl and pulled Eiji’s hair back, securing it with bread ties. Eiji found a dresser in the bedroom they did not use for the camera. He set the timer and hurried back to Ash, smiling and posing before the flash went off. They took a few more, changing up the poses, each pose become increasingly ridiculous. For the last photo, they both held the toaster up while looking dramatically at it in time for the camera to click.

Eiji laughed to himself as he retrieved the camera. He looked over his shoulder at Ash. “Do you want to try it?”

Ash doubted he would ever see the photo but he wanted to take it anyway. He let Eiji come close and show him the camera controls again as Eiji had in the truck on the way to LA.

“How about something not so weird,” Ash said as he pulled the bread ties from Eiji’s hair.

Eiji shook his hair out and removed the tablecloth, folding it before setting it on a bed. He smoothed his shirt out and tried to pose normally.

Ash set the candle decoration on the dresser. They needed a better location. They ended up in the living room with Eiji sitting on the sofa. Eiji put his chin on his hand and looked off at something that was not directly the camera. The light caught Eiji’s eyes, accentuating how dark they were. The pose helped avoid goofy expressions.

Ash had not looked at the New York photos again, so he had yet to see any of these photos or the few others of Eiji he took over the last two years. He wanted to feel in control of his emotional response before trying to look through them again. He saw Eiji looking at him just before the wind at the cape changed directions and blew Eiji’s hair into his face.

Ash and Eiji explored the lighthouse grounds and viewed the cape from various points. Eiji did not bring his hands up to assess shots, but he did study certain points of interest longer than others. They stopped at a look out point to have lunch. The sandwiches Ash made were simple but filling. Eiji dusted the crumbs from his fingers and retrieved his camera. He took a deep breath and took a few photos of the view. Eiji had not cut his hair since returning to Japan and it was long enough now that it was easier to face the wind than try and figure out how to keep his hair out of his eyes. Eiji breathed through his nose and turned his attention towards Ash. “We should take photos of each other.”

They took turns standing with the view at their backs. The sun was not quite in their eyes. Ash leaned back against the railing of the lookout point. His pose was casual, natural. With Eiji behind the camera, he did not feel a need to think about angles or mouth positions, though he tried to look his best. They switched places and Ash reoriented himself with the camera.

Eiji did not lean on the railing. He tried to stand naturally. He watched the sun illuminate Ash’s hair. He thought about waking up to coffee, coming to this place, and the sandwiches. Ash put in an effort and it was a good birthday. Eiji smiled.

After the photos, they headed back to the bus stop and made their journey in reverse. Half way through the train ride, Eiji said in quiet English, “I will enter a photo contest in Tokyo. I have the forms.” He still needed to fill them out and mail them. Once he did that, there would be more pressure to find subjects to keep his portfolio recent.

Ash looked away from the window. “Which photo?”

“The one of Sing.” Eiji worked to keep his voice down. The prospect of everything that could come with the contest was exciting.

Ash quieted. His eyes narrowed. “You said that one isn’t your best one. You should send them your best one.”

The photo Eiji thought was one of his photos of Ash. He chose to keep all photos of Ash private so no one might think to look for Ash in Japan. Eiji did not know if Ash looked through the New York photos yet or if Ash could guess which one Eiji thought was the best. “They enter the photo they want. In December, the awards are in Tokyo. Do you want to go?”

“Maybe. Let me think about it,” Ash said after a pause.

Eiji nodded. He smiled to himself. Even if Ash did not go with him to Tokyo, Eiji liked the implication that they would both still be in each other’s lives in December.

 

~

 

Ash’s birthday arrived faster than Ash would have liked. He watched the river in the sunlight. He had enough money to pay for his portion of the rent for a while, but, if he was serious about living a normal life, he needed a job. His options in Japan were severely limited since he was not Japanese and not fluent in Japanese yet. Recently he started looking into teaching English. Japan wanted English teachers who were citizens of English-speaking countries, had four-year degrees, and could pass a licensing exam. Ash was not sure if he wanted to teach, but it was his best option. There were several schools in the Tokyo area and one school in Okayama that offered entrance exams and teaching degrees in English. It was the best option open to him.

The amount of things he had to study in such a short amount of time to take the entrance exams did not bother him. Moving to Okayama, Tokyo, or Yokohama did not bother him. Needing to find a job to live in one of those cities did not bother him. His thoughts returned to Eiji. Eiji would be happy for him. Eiji would support and encourage him. Did he have the right to ask Eiji to move with him? Could he ask Eiji to uproot himself from this place where all his friends were, from where his job was? Could he ask Eiji to move so far away from his family? Ash could do all this by himself. He was capable and determined. Going it alone would not deter him, but having Eiji there would be nice. He did not think he would ever forget Eiji’s fingers in his hair, and his soft firm promise of forever. Ash echoed that promise back to Eiji on the plane, and he meant it. Could he really ask for it? Maybe he should let Eiji go, let him find someone better. Ash was pretty sure he was not gay, but he was no longer sure if he was straight. Eiji deserved someone who knew.

Ash stepped away from the bridge. He had a lot of thinking to do and choices to make. When Ash entered the apartment, the kitchen smelled like baking. Eiji was at the counter beating away at a bowl with a whisk. He put more powdered sugar in the bowl to counteract the runniness. It sent a small cloud of sugar up into the air.

“I’m home,” Ash said in Japanese.

“Welcome home.” Eiji smiled. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.” Ash washed his hands and slinked over to the counter. He reached a finger out towards the bowl of icing.

Eiji lifted the bowl over his head and stood on his toes for good measure. “Hey! It’s for the cake!”

Ash’s finger moved away from the bowl with a large blob of icing on it. He did not break eye contact when he put it in his mouth. “Very tasty.”

Eiji rolled his eyes, set the bowl back down, and went back to whisking. “Incorrigible,” he murmured. The cake was a box mix, already cooling on a rack. Eiji put it in the largest oven safe container they owned, and grew too big for the container but not so big that it did not bake properly. The cake was not quite cool enough, which was fine. The icing was still on the runny side. Eiji added a little more powdered sugar. Once it was at the right thickness, Eiji spread it onto the cake.

Ash could not remember the last time someone actually made him a birthday cake. He watched Eiji beam when the icing finally looked like the right texture and then averted his gaze out the window to the people milling about below. Maybe he wanted Eiji by his side because Eiji was this kind to him. Maybe he wanted Eiji by his side because Eiji did not fear him. It seemed deeper than that. It was deeper than that.

Eiji finished icing the cake and walked over, wiping icing off his finger onto Ash’s cheek. “I know it’s not the same, but it’ll be good.” Before Ash could respond, Eiji added, “I want to show you something. Get your shoes.”

They took the bus down to the art museum. Eiji led the way down to a path that ran along Lake Shinji behind the museum. Water lapped at the rocks. The sun began to set, catching the clouds with its rays. The water and sky became a mass of orange that slowly retreated until it was dark.

“I wanted to show you the sunset at Inasa Beach when you first came to Japan. I wanted it to be big and colorful. I wanted you to fall in love with Japan.” Eiji smiled and put his hands in his pockets. “This isn’t the same but it was the best thing I could show you. We can do something fun the next weekend I have off.”

Ash tried to imagine a sunset and beach so beautiful he might fall in love with an entire country on the spot. The last remnants of the sun’s light disappeared. Ash’s lips curved into a small smile. “I told you,” he said in English, “I don’t need anything fancy.”

“Fancy and fun are different,” Eiji said. They started walking back towards the bus stop. “I will find something fun. Fun is good for you.”

Ash snorted. He walked a little closer to Eiji. What was that cake going to taste like? What would supper be? Ash put his hands in his pockets. He could not remember the last time he looked forward to anything about his birthday.

 

**To be continued…**


	4. Part Two: Matsue, Chapter Four: Opportunity Moves Us Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Four, in which many choices are made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Four, in which many choices are made  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ibe Shunichi, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, original characters (publisher rep); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 7,068  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** memories of a canon character's violent death, mild panic attack, mention of child sexual abuse  
>  **Chapter Notes** This time it’s Griff’s death. Mentioning it in the warnings just in case someone wants a heads up. I’m not sure how a national photo competition would be run to be honest but I wanted an excuse to jumpstart Eiji’s photography career.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Two: Matsue  
Chapter Four: Opportunity Moves Us Forward**

It was raining again, more excitedly than usual due to a typhoon along the west coast of Japan. The winds energetically seemed to swirl around Eiji when he entered the small café. When Ibe’s assignments brought him to Shimane, they made a point to meet. This café was between the camera shop and the train station and perfect for lunch with its delicious sandwiches and pastries.

After some chatting, Eiji said, “I entered the national photo competition. I’ll be in Tokyo for the awards in December.”

Ibe smiled. “I was in that competition years ago with one of your tournament photos. Even if you don’t win, someone will recognize your talent. I’m glad you get to show the country what you can do.”

“I’m sorry I caused so many problems in New York.” Eiji licked his lips. “I owe you a lot.” Eiji regretted how he handled his conflicts with Ibe and that they were so many. He never considered Ibe’s position. He just forged ahead to whatever he thought was the right thing to do, never looking beyond the immediate. Reconnecting with Hatsuko brought so much into perspective. If he took her to New York, if she fell in with a questionable crowd, he would not have returned to Japan either. How many problems had Eiji caused Ibe? How many things did Ibe give up because of his responsibility to Eiji’s family?

“I’m glad we can speak without conflict now. Did you hear the news from America?” When Eiji shook his head, Ibe continued, “Their congress opened an investigation into experimentation on soldiers during the Vietnam War. Max said that it’s more of a formality and a means to save face after someone leaked information about more than just that drug to the public.”

“So it won’t change anything.” Eiji sighed.

“Max said it just means they’ve found a better way to hide their experiments. It will be solved by money most likely. Max said that the only information that’s come out about that drug has been about the Vietnam War. Everything that happened after is still a secret from the public.” Ibe sipped his water.

Eiji nodded. That was how these things seemed to go. Nothing that happened in the last two years mattered. People like Griff did not matter. Griff’s eyes full of anger and terror flashed through Eiji’s mind along with the gunshot and the blood. Everything that happened in Dr. Meredith’s office played out in a tangled, gruesome jumble of images. Eiji worked very hard on swallowing, fighting his stomach’s desire to empty. He breathed through his nose and for a moment all he could smell was blood. He needed a distraction. “What…What is your next article about?”

“They’ve got me covering upstarts in college athletics. They think I’ve got an eye for these things.” Ibe snorted. “I might, but my success comes from the people buying the magazines. So I probably owe a lot to high school girls’ allowances.” Ibe blinked. “Are you alright?”

“Y…Yeah,” Eiji managed. He leaned back in his seat. He tried to concentrate on what was around him, but looking at the remnants of lunch did not help. “I’ve just been working really hard.” It was not a lie. Now that university students were back from vacation for seminars, there were more photos to process.

“If you’re sure…”

“I am.”

They chatted a bit longer and then said goodbye, going in opposite directions. With each step Eiji took down the street, his chest became tighter. He told Yut-Lung brazenly that he did not blame himself for the things that happened and on one level that was true. He could not control Marvin, Arthur, Dr. Abrams, Dino, or the rest. All of them made their choices. Maybe if he was faster, Skip could have survived. Maybe if he thought it through more, he would not have led Arthur to Dr. Meredith’s office. Maybe if he was more clever and stronger, Shorter would not have had to die or at least not in the way, he did. Each memory grew heavier, each instance made it harder to escape his thoughts. Eiji tried to focus on the sky but the clouds were too gray and indistinguishable from one another. He watched the cars passing him on the street, but they became blurs of color. His focus shifted to the air pressure, the temperature, the rain still around him – anything – but his mind would not cooperate.

Eiji entered the apartment. It was empty as it was any weekday afternoon. He remained in the entryway, shoes still on his feet. There was the table and the radio. There was the kitchenette and the rooms beyond his sight. There was mail on the counter and light filtered in through the windows. The apartment was silent. Ash must have left for class not long ago. There was no noise from the shop either. The faint smell of lunch welcomed him as if nothing he remembered ever happened.

Eiji slowly slid down the door, tears blurring his vision. His chest hurt. His head hurt. He covered his mouth when a sob escaped. He could not get too loud or the darkroom below might hear him. More sobs escaped. Eiji brought his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees. He sobbed into his arms until there were no tears left.

 

~

 

The rain kept coming with breaks in-between. Ash gripped his umbrella and sighed. Umbrellas were more socially acceptable in Japan than raincoats. Ash did not mind rain on his face, but he felt more anonymous in the sea of other umbrellas this way. Ash’s eyes drew towards one of the umbrellas up ahead. It was Eiji, likely running errands on his day off. Within a few strides, Ash caught up to him.

“What do they say in movies?” Eiji asked in Japanese. After a moment, he said in English, "‘Fancy meeting you in a place like this.’”

Ash snorted. He refined his sentence in his head and then asked in Japanese, “Next weekend do you want to go to Okayama?” Ash wanted to apply to the universities with teaching majors offered in English from the brochures his instructor gave him to increase his chances of getting into one of their programs. Some portions of the exams he could do in his sleep, but the Japan-specific portions like history he needed to study. He wanted to explore all the campuses. He could look at the campuses around Tokyo while Eiji did what he had to do for the photo competition later.

Eiji positioned his umbrella so they could walk side by side easier. Before he could answer, a low rumble approached and they both slowed their pace.

Ash tensed. This was the worst part of living in Japan. Some earthquakes were so small it was like a hallucination. Some were so big they sounded like some sort of monster approaching. So far, none Ash experienced caused any outright destruction, but someday one probably would.

The walkway left Ash and Eiji exposed to potential debris around them. Luckily, they were between intersections so there was no danger of falling wires. Everyone on the walkway stopped walking and remained in place. The shaking reached them and grew. One by one, those on the walkway knelt on the ground as the shaking became too intense to stand.

Ash tried to keep his over them, but his entire body rattled along with the ground. Eiji’s umbrella slipped from his hand. Eiji shut his eyes and bit back a pained noise. The vibrations shot through his knee and ribs. It was not the worst earthquake Eiji ever experienced, but it seemed to last for ages before slowly tapering. The earthquake was strong enough they would likely feel some aftershocks later. Eiji hoped the next earthquake would not be more intense.

Sirens wailed in the distance. Slowly the pedestrians around them got to their feet and continued on their way. Ash helped Eiji up and Eiji gripped Ash’s arm tightly, flexing his knee. It did not crack but it was very sore. His ribs felt better now that the shaking stopped. Eiji let go of Ash’s arm. They were soaked, but all right.

When they got home, Eiji changed into dry clothes. He put on a croptop he got in America. It was part of a small collection of clothes that made him feel comfortable in himself but now he only wore when he did not plan to leave home. Sometimes he missed his palm tree shirt that tied at the waist. Sometimes he was glad he did not have a glaring reminder of past mistakes. When Eiji returned to the main room, he looked at Ash and pressed his lips into a thin line. “Your shirt is too wet. You’ll catch a cold.”

“I am fine,” Ash murmured, but he let Eiji peel the shirt off him anyway as Eiji did when there were wounds to treat in New York. Ash’s eyes followed Eiji. They always followed him when Eiji wore that stupid croptop. Eiji looked softer than he was before the surgery but his body still held some muscle tone to it. Ash’s eyes moved along the scars across Eiji’s torso that disappeared under his croptop. All those scars were situations Ash got Eiji into, all those scars were his fault including the surgical scar still hidden. The gravity of it all did take away from whatever it was that kept drawing Ash’s gaze.

“What?” Eiji asked.

Ash blinked, not anticipating Eiji to catch him. “How is…?” He was not sure which word he wanted to use. Wound? Scar? Injury? He gestured to the part of his body that corresponded to Eiji’s gunshot wound along his ribs.

“It’s healed.” Eiji lifted his shirt up enough to show Ash the scar. It was still raised and warped. Since it was emergency surgery, the goal was survival more than cosmetic. Eiji touched it gently before lowering his shirt. “Is your wound okay?”

Ash looked down at his side. His wound healed long before Eiji’s ribs finished healing. Ash’s scar was much more jagged and puffy since he had to patch it up himself. “Yeah,” Ash ran through all the translations of things he could say, “like any other.” There were a few other scars on his body like it including the one from Arthur’s knife. The scars from before he began to break free of Dino were much fainter and smoother. Dino could not stand hideous scars on his toys.

Eiji moved closer. As much as he hated to admit it, his vision could get blurry at certain distances. He was lucky a gang member let him borrow their glasses when he went to rescue Ash. He would have to get new contacts or give up and embrace glasses eventually, but that could still wait. Eiji’s eyes followed the spider legs of the scar where the bullet shredded Ash’s skin. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m glad you’re still here.”

“Me too,” Ash said quietly. Sometimes in his dreams, they were back in the hideout and Eiji died. No matter what Ash did in the dream, no matter if Ash also got shot or not, no matter what he did to the punks who did it, Eiji would stop breathing, stiffen, and become cold. When Ash woke, he would listen, barely moving, barely breathing, for the sound of Eiji sleeping in the other room. He did not want Eiji to die or get shot again. Perhaps staying at Eiji’s side increased this. Maybe the closer he tried to walk with Eiji, the closer he sat with Eiji, the closer he felt with Eiji, the more likely dangerous would find both of them. He could claim he came to Japan because he wanted to make sure Eiji survived, but it might make Eiji even more of a target. Ash shook his hair out so it would not dry in a weird way. He went to find another shirt.

 

~

 

It was the middle of the night. The rain was heavy and the winds screamed endlessly. There was a typhoon up from Shikoku passing through the neighboring prefecture. Their futons were beside each other in Eiji’s room and the window was cracked since it was on the north side of the apartment. All the other windows were shuttered from the inside, making the apartment even darker than usual at night. They were not under evacuation orders and likely would not be, but the radio played quietly nearby in case that changed. Their hurricane kits were near the bedroom door just in case. There was a leak in the main room constantly dripping into a mop bucket. The wind and rain never seemed to stop. The air pressure was an extra, weighted blanket.

Eiji had his back to Ash, mind wandering. Every time he almost fell asleep, the wind pushed against the building. He could not check on the shop downstairs until the storm calmed. So far, he had not heart any kind of breaking glass, which helped ease any worries. Eiji’s mind kept returning to New York. Not long after they relocated to the luxury apartment, a hurricane hit. The winds were strong, the rain never ending, and the air pressure suffocating. The power went out and they ended up camping with the most trusted gang members as the storm raged around them. This typhoon was weaker than that storm.

Ash had his back to Eiji. He stared out the open bedroom door. The apartment was formless. There was nothing to do except let the storm rage just like there had been nothing else to do in New York. It was the middle of the night in Japan so it was afternoon in New York. It was probably still too warm for a jacket there yet. Ash could visualize the leaves just starting to change colors. Eiji’s breathing evened behind him. Ash closed his eyes and opened them. He did not want to think about the gang or about New York. He read enough of the news to know things were escalating there as it had been for years ever since cocaine started to take over the city. Eiji’s breathing continued slowly, steadily, and Ash’s eyes fluttered closed again.

The wind rushed over the building and the leak in the main room grew more earnest. Ash opened his eyes. “There is no sleep,” he murmured in Japanese.

Eiji rolled over. He could barely see Ash’s shadow in the darkness. “Neither of us is asleep.”

Ash filed the correction away. He rolled over to face Eiji. He could not see Eiji, but he had a sense of where he was relative to himself. The rain grew louder. Ash reached out to touch Eiji’s hair, but his thumb hit something soft.

“My eye,” Eiji said in English for emphasis, swatting Ash’s hand away. He sat up and pressed the heel of his hand against his eye as it watered. “That is my eye.”

Ash sat up and rubbed his face. “Sorry,” he said in Japanese.

Eiji tried to open his eye but it still did not cooperate. The radio announced that it was three in the morning. After some trying, his eye finally stopped watering and stayed open. “What were you trying to do?”

Ash put his hand on Eiji’s arm and then his fingertips slid up to Eiji’s shoulder. He touched Eiji’s ear briefly and then ran his fingers through Eiji’s hair, careful of his face.

Eiji leaned into the fingers in his hair. He closed his eyes. When Ash withdrew his hand, Eiji slouched and tried to see Ash. He touched Ash’s arm carefully. When Ash did not move away, Eiji looped their arms together, and rested his head against Ash’s shoulder. Ash always displayed affection at random even in New York. The longer they stayed in Japan, the more Ash touched him, always small and sincere. It felt like progress, but Eiji was not sure it really was. Every gay person Eiji met growing up was as closeted and secretive as he had to be. Every gay person Ash met growing up preyed upon him. Eiji wanted to kiss Ash again, but he wanted it to be the right place, the right moment. He did not want to add to bad experiences.

Ash leaned against Eiji. He missed sharing a room and missed sharing a bed. Maybe it made him gay. Maybe not. Ash was not sure how much he cared either way anymore. He could say none of this. He did not want to encourage something he would have to end. Eiji’s hair tickled his skin. It would be so easy to take Eiji’s hand right now, but Ash refrained. He closed his eyes and focused on how it felt to have Eiji resting against him, how it felt to press their skin together, how everything calmed despite the storm outside. He wanted to remember this.

Eiji heard Ash’s breathing begin to even. It made it hard for Eiji to keep his eyes open. He slowly let go of Ash’s arm. “We can’t sleep like this.” He stretched back out on the futon, this time facing Ash.

Ash stretched out so he faced Eiji. There was barely space between their futons. Their hands rested along the edge, fingers almost touching. The wind continued to gust and the rain continued to pour. Neither of them knew when they fell asleep.

 

~

 

Tokyo was covered more land and was more populous than New York. The climate was milder than Matsue and there was no snow in sight. By the time Ash and Eiji reached their hotel room, they had been out of their apartment for over eight hours. The hotel was modest and provided rooms for all of the contestants at a discount. The room was just big enough for a small entryway with a closet a bathroom, and a desk across from two full beds. There was a view of the buildings across the street out the window at the end of the room. The hotel was within walking distance of the museum hosting the competition and a train station. Tomorrow Eiji would have to attend the gallery with the other nominated photographers and Ash would visit the relevant universities in the area.

The city sounded like the nice areas of New York that experienced little gunfire, but there were fewer sirens. Ash’s stomach relaxed but his shoulders tensed. Izumo was practically sleepy and Matsue very quiet. The bustle of Tokyo felt familiar. Ash was not sure if that was good or bad yet. He let the curtains slip closed and put his things on the bed by the window. Eiji’s bag was already there. They preferred opposite sides of beds and rooms, but Ash started taking the bed by the window the longer they stayed together in New York for safety no matter which side.

Eiji looked at Ash’s bag and then at Ash. “It’s okay if you want to share,” he said in Japanese, “but if you don’t, I already claimed that bed.”

“There is a window here.” Ash gestured to it.

“It’ll be alright. There aren’t any guns here.” Eiji did not move his bag.

Ash eyed him. He could believe there were hardly any legal guns, but he could also believe there were illegal guns. Dino did international business. There could be yakuza who might recognize him and want revenge. “More people, more guns.”

Eiji did not look away. “They don’t know us. They don’t care.”

Ash’s jaw tensed. “We do not know that.”

“This is Japan, I know!” Eiji exclaimed. After a pause, he took a deep breath. Ash’s shoulders were tense and his gaze sharp. Getting frustrated with Ash or giving into the request would do neither of them favors. “I will sleep here tonight and tomorrow you’ll see I’m right,” Eiji said in a calmer tone.

Maybe it was the size of the city. Maybe it was his own instincts. He did not feel anyone watching him. He did not feel an immediate threat like just before Blanca shot Eiji in the shoulder. Ash sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He moved his bag to the other bed. He glanced at Eiji. Even if they shared the bed, Eiji would still end up on the side by the window. The offer poked at Ash nonetheless. He could not indulge in it. Being here only underscored what he had to do for Eiji sooner than later. Ash ran his fingers along the strap of his bag. If he said something now, it would ruin things for Eiji tomorrow. He would talk to him about it after the contest.

 

~

 

After breakfast, Ash headed to the train station and Eiji to the museum. The nominated photographers were not required to come to the exhibit itself, but many showed up to support, promote, and network. There was a wide range of photos and subjects. There were black and white and color categories along with nature, people, international, national, macro, and industrial categories. There was a note beside each photo stating the photographer, their age, where they lived, the location of the photo, and the year they took the photo. Eiji was not the youngest photographer present but most photographers were about as old as his parents or Professor Sugihara.

Eiji arrived at the international subject photos. There were subcategories for types of film and types of subjects. His competition was very talented. Even though his photo of Sing stood out among the rest, it was not the best photo of the subcategory let alone of the category or contest.

A man approached Eiji and introduced himself as Ogata Ken. After Eiji introduced himself in turn, Ogata smiled. “I recognized this boy from Ibe Ibe’s article.” Ogata indicated the photo of Sing. “He was the leader of the Chinese gang. So very young. I also recognized your name from the photo credits. The photo of the blond gang leader with the haunting eyes was well done.”

“Ibe-san’s a remarkable photographer,” Eiji said.

Ogata continued to smile. “Did you take a lot of photos on your trip?”

“Yes. I showed some of them at a local event.” It was the only time Eiji had his photos displayed for something unrelated to school.

Ogata handed Eiji a card from his pocket. “I would like to see more of your photos and talk a possible article. One of our magazines is doing a traveling America issue later. I think a young person’s perspective on New York and its gangs would attract many readers. It’s one thing to hear about gang life from an uncle. It’s another to hear it from an older brother.”

Eiji took the card and gave Ogata one of his own. He wondered if Ibe knew some people saw him as an uncle type even though Ibe was not yet thirty. To Eiji, Ibe was definitely more an older brother figure. “Thank you.”

The longer Eiji stayed, the larger his collection of business cards and proposed offers grew. Many recognized him from the pole-vaulting photos. Some connected him back to Ibe’s series of New York articles. Eiji wrote notes on the cards so he would remember details later. It would be crazy not to make the most of this situation, but Eiji did not know if he wanted to write an article about New York or how he would approach one about his time there. It would be extremely easy to incriminate himself if he was not careful. He had a lot to consider.

 

~

 

Ash had three universities to visit. He chose to dress in his nicer clothes and hooked his glasses in the collar of his shirt so he would look as disarming as possible. The first university Ash went to was one of the farthest from the hotel. It was a private university and one of the more expensive options open to him. If he went to this school, he would end up majoring in English Literature. The campus was small but the buildings distinctive. The second university was further south, outside of Tokyo, and public. It had a smaller student body and all its buildings looked similar to one another. It was one of the two most reasonably priced universities and if Ash went here, he would major in Education. The final university had the largest student body and a reputation for being hard to enter. It was an expensive choice. If Ash went to this school, he would major in Education. He spent time at each campus and tried to get a feel for the people around him. Almost all of the student body was Japanese, but he did see some foreign students.

The anonymity that the Tokyo area gave him was more attractive than Okayama. It also gave Ash multiple exit strategies if he had to leave Japan without warning. He liked the public universities better than the private one. He could see himself succeeding at any campus. No matter which one accepted him, if any, he needed to say goodbye to Eiji. He needed to let Eiji go before his past caught up to him.

Ash watched the Kanda River. Coming to Japan was a gamble and the deeper he went, the more Eiji gave to him and the more Ash wanted to give to Eiji. Blanca was wrong about Eiji being his downfall. Without Eiji, he would not have left New York. The city would have consumed him whole months ago. However, Blanca was right that Ash could not treat Eiji as some kind of savior or conduit of salvation. He should have let Eiji go when he fought Arthur. He should have let Eiji go when Foxx appeared. He should have let Eiji go instead of moving with him to Matsue. The longer he stayed with Eiji, the harder it was to leave him. The more time they spent together without looking over their shoulders, the easier it was to see that forever Eiji promised.

People passed him on the walkway. Cars passed in the street. Ash stepped away from the river. Eiji was not his downfall, but he could easily become Eiji’s downfall. This photography competition was Eiji’s chance to do amazing things and go amazing places. It was maybe his chance to break free of Japan, to go somewhere he fit better. Ash could not hold him back. He would not hold him back.

 

~

 

The awards ceremony was efficient but lengthy. Eiji did not win anything, but the number of cards in his pockets felt like he had. Eiji left the museum, turning his gaze to the dark sky. The night was cool but not chilly. A slight breeze ruffled Eiji’s hair. He pulled the tie from his collar and undid the first button of his shirt. He shook his hair out of his eyes. Eiji smiled when he saw Ash waiting in front of a decorative stone wall near the street.

Eiji held up several of his cards as he approached Ash. “I got a lot of these.” He stuffed the cards back into his pockets. “They all want to see what other pictures I took and see if there’s an article in them. I have to work on my portfolio.”

Ash said nothing, still considering his words. As they walked to the hotel, Ash took a small breath and led them another direction along the exterior of the moats surrounding the imperial palace grounds. Ash shoulders slowly crept upwards as Eiji’s shoulders slowly relaxed. People and cars passed them. The temperature remained comfortable. The time had come. Ash slowed his pace and stopped walking. Eiji got three paces ahead and then stopped and turned to look back at him. Ash held his gaze. “I think this is where it ends,” Ash said in English.

Eiji knew that tone of voice. His posture straightened slightly. “What ends?”

Ash moved towards the side of the walkway away from the street. Eiji followed. “We end,” Ash clarified. “Whatever this is between us, it ends here.”

English and Japanese swirled and clashed in Eiji’s brain. His eyebrows drew together. What else could he expect from that tone of voice? The voice that told him to go home in LA, that voice that shouted at him to go home from atop the train tracks, that voice that kept trying to push Eiji away halfheartedly. That stupid tone of voice. “You do not meant it.” Eiji held Ash’s gaze.

Ash did not look away. “I do. I can’t keep using you for my own gain. I can’t keep holding you back.”

“You don’t do those things,” Eiji said in Japanese. He paused and then muttered in English, “This voice means nothing.” Eiji could not take this tone seriously. How many times had this tone pushed him away only for them to remain at each other’s sides? How many times did this tone come with a speech about what was good for Eiji only to change its mind? How many times had this voice claimed to know what Ash wanted when Ash probably did not even know? How could this voice be trusted?

Ash remained calm. He was always calm when he used that tone. “You belong in Greenwich Village, Eiji. You deserve to be in New York, to be open and happy. You said Izumo wasn’t your home anymore. You said this country doesn’t understand people like you. I can’t go back. I don’t want to chain you here.”

“You idiot!” Eiji exclaimed in Japanese. He took a breath and tried to make his brain do English. “You do not hold me. You do not chain me. I choose this. Izumo is not home. Matsue is not home. New York is not home. You –” he said with great conviction, “You are my home!”

For a moment, Ash’s eyes widened. He did not look away or respond. He expected anger. He expected frustration. Never once did he consider this as a potential response. Usually if he reasoned with Eiji in a calm manner, he could bring him around to whatever the plan was even if neither of them liked it. Now that there was no danger to push them back together, it was supposed to end with them agreeing as they always did and separating for good. Not this. Ash did not know what to do with this. All his plans and words dissipated into the air.

Eiji took several deep breaths. Anger would not help him. He braced himself for something like this when he came out to Ash months ago. There was always the possibility Ash would leave him. Eiji thought when the time came he would be able to accept it and move on, but in this moment with Ash staring at him as if he had three heads, he could not give up so easily. “When I say, ‘Forever,’ I mean it. By your side always.” Then he said in Japanese, “I love you,” using the verb that most people used with their partners, expressing an intense fondness rather than a soulmate bond. The English version of love was too broad and too manipulative to Eiji. He wanted his feelings to be clear. He wanted Ash to understand.

Ash knew the verb and its context. He sighed and averted his gaze. “When I got on that plane, I had no plan. I can’t keep using you.”

“You do not use me.” Eiji paused as a loud car horn sounded nearby. “I do what I choose.” Eiji licked his lips and considered his words. “What do you want?”

Ash closed his eyes a moment. Eiji asked him that in such a low, quiet voice on Halloween before his duel with Arthur. Ash answered him then with a kiss that turned into several between them. He could still remember Eiji’s fingertips barely touching his jaw, how he squeezed Eiji’s thigh through his jeans. They ended up falling asleep beside each other on the floor, not going much farther than Eiji pulling Ash’s shirt over his head. Ash thought they would never see each other again after that let alone get to this type of moment. He wanted to kiss Eiji again. It was not the right time or place. He tried to find words that did not sound too Hollywood or too girly. “I want this to be real. I want to be by your side. I want to…” Ash’s voice trailed. There was no way to say what he wanted without sounding like some dumb movie. “I want to return those words and mean it.”

“It is real.” What else was there to say? Was this really how it was going to end? Eiji did not want to accept that, but he knew he did not want to force Ash to stay either.

Silence stretched between them. Slowly they noticed several people standing within earshot pretending to look at the moat and palace walls. Were they nosy? Curious? Maybe making sure nothing bad might happen? Some might even listen out of disgust. It was hard to know how much any of them heard or how long they stood there. Ash and Eiji looked at each other and then headed back to the hotel.

 

~

 

After changing out of their nicer clothes, they sat on their beds facing each other. Their legs stretched out and their feet rested near each other.

“What about you?” Ash asked Eiji in English. “What do you want from it?”

Eiji stopped leaning on his hands. He licked his lips. “I think…” Eiji wanted to pick the right words. “It changed. You were not the first kiss but the best kiss.” Eiji interlocked his fingers loosely and rested his arms on his thighs. “I changed. I learned more. I saw you. I want us to change together. I want to see more. It’s not…” Eiji sorted through the possible translations of the word he wanted, “temporary to me.” Eiji took a deep breath. “If it is ending for you, I want to hear it in the voice that chooses for you. I do not want to hear the voice that chooses for me.”

Ash was not sure what Eiji meant by his voice choosing for either of them. “Not your first kiss?” Ash asked.

Eiji thought a moment. “Third.” On the last day of high school in his third year, a teammate kissed him where no one could see. The first kiss was hesitant and awkward, but the second kiss was exciting and warm. Eiji had not seen Kawamura since. “I was very quiet. Until sports, nothing exciting happened.

Ash leaned back on his hands. “Ibe said you were shy, and yet you still stole a car and stuck it out.”

Eiji looked down at his hands. “I could not let it end that way.” His jaw tightened. So many terrible things came from that choice. Every time he had the option to leave, the option to stay out of things, he ended up right in the middle of it all.

Ash watched Eiji’s shoulders tense and his fingers curl. He watched Eiji’s chest expand in a deep, silent breath. Ash sighed silently. “Do you regret it?”

Eiji’s fingers uncurled. He shook his head. Despite everything bad that happened, he did not regret choosing to remain in New York. He did not regret fighting alongside everyone or the crimes he committed. Eiji looked at Ash. “Do you regret Japan?”

Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. Regret was not the word. Ash did not want to return to New York. If he stayed, he would be dead by now. Would it be better to be dead? Was this better? “I don’t know.”

After a long silence, Eiji stood and stretched. It was late. “I leave at eight. Should I wake you?”

Ash ran his hands through his hair. “No. I’ll get up.” If Eiji woke him up, his brain would be mush. If he woke himself up, he would know exactly what he should do. He could get up on time. He did it plenty of times every week.

Eiji nodded. They said goodnight and turned off the lights. Eiji wrapped his arms around one of his extra pillows and buried his face into it. He was not sure what would happen in the morning. He was not sure Ash knew either.

 

~

 

Ash could not sleep. If he got on the train tomorrow and returned to Matsue, it would open up all the things they could be. If he remained in Tokyo, he might not see Eiji again. He never wanted to sit at Eiji’s beside again. He did not want to listen to Eiji breathe so shallowly or Eiji’s hand to feel so limp ever again. He wanted to see Inasa Beach with Eiji even if it might not live up to Eiji’s hype. He wanted to share his successes with Eiji. Ash wanted to do so many things with him. .

What did it even mean to be someone’s home? What had he done to make Eiji feel that way? Ash sighed and rolled onto his side. He thought about what it felt like to wake up at seven. It would be two hours before he normally would wake, but he could do this. Even if he chose to stay in Tokyo, he wanted to say goodbye to Eiji.

When Ash woke, the room was quiet. Eiji’s bag was gone and the sun shone through the curtains. Ash looked at the clock and instantly sat up. He overslept. He was screwed. He threw on his jeans and slipped on his shoes. He found a shirt and sped through his morning routine. He packed his bag already in case of emergency out of habit. He had everything. He put his hand on the door handle and paused. Eiji left long ago. He was probably already on the train to Matsue and thought he had his answer.

Ash’s hand gripped the door handle tightly. Was that really the answer? Was this the end? What did he want? Ash opened the door and took long strides down the hall. He almost forgot to stop at the desk to check out and leave his key. Ash picked up speed on his way to the station. Eiji deserved someone who could love him, who was more than just some used and abused chew toy. Yet Eiji chose him and Ash wanted to choose Eiji even if he might be too late.

 

~

 

When Eiji disembarked at the bus stop near the camera shop, it was dark and cold. He watched his breath condense into the air and then dragged himself to the apartment. When he reached the entrance to the alleyway, he slowed. There were footprints in the snow. They were the right shape and size to be Ash’s, but Eiji could not be sure it was not someone else’s feet. Fresh, undisturbed snow covered the slush of people walking past the front of the store. Whoever made these tracks could still be in the alley. Feet that big could be someone who meant them harm. Eiji removed his hands from his pockets. He had no weapon, but if he had to fight back, he wanted to be prepared.

Eiji placed his feet slowly in the snow, taking care to make as little noise as possible. He rounded the building and stopped. Ash’s hair caught the light shining down from above the apartment door. He sat on the steps with his chin on his hand, gazing up into the sky while his breaths condensed around him.

Eiji’s face flushed in anger but his heartbeat increased in hope. Every single emotion he went through on that long train ride flared simultaneously. He could say so many things. Maybe Ash accidentally slept in too late. Maybe Ash was here for his things and wanted to say goodbye. Eiji walked towards the staircase.

Ash stood up. “Welcome home,” he said in Japanese.

“You…” Eiji said in Japanese. “You’re like an English novel, sitting out here in the snow trying to catch a cold.” With Ash standing on the first step, their height difference seemed ridiculous. It did not stop Eiji from glaring up at him.

Ash stepped down to the ground level. Flurries fell haphazardly from the sky.

“You wouldn’t wake up!” Eiji said in Japanese, the sentence echoing through the alley. He took a small breath. “I was loud,” he said in English in a quiet whisper. “It made no difference.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Ash said in English.

“What did I think? What did I feel? I waited for you. Do you know what you want or tomorrow do I wake up to nothing?” Eiji did not want to think about watching the hands on his watch go in circles in the station. He did not want to think about how many times he gave Ash until the next train.

Ash did not look away and waited to see if Eiji might say more. He shifted his weight. “I know what I want. I’ve been ignoring it a long time.” He licked his lips. “I want you by my side. I want to see where this goes. I want to take you with me. I want,” Ash paused. He could say he was ambivalent about his sexuality. He could see his own desires that he tried to hide. Yet, this sentence was something said to him repeatedly by men who could not see him as anything but a toy. He did not see Eiji as a toy or temporary. However, there was no other way to put it. “I want you.” Ash’s voice was quiet but firm.

Eiji did not speak. Eight hours of travel thinking the opposite was true weighed on him. His heart both hurt and beat so loudly it almost made Eiji’s ears hurt too. He licked his lips and his fingers grasped the lapels of Ash’s coat. His grip tightened and then his fingers slipped away. He took Ash’s hands. They were very cold but not dangerously cold. The flurries became light snow. Eiji kissed Ash’s face and then stepped up onto the steps. “Come on,” he said. He would kiss Ash properly later when he felt calmer.

 

**To be continued…**


	5. Part Three: Transitions, Chapter Five: It’s Easy to Agree to Hide When There’s Nothing to Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Five, in which there are winter holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Five, in which there are winter holidays  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Griff Callenreese, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, the Okumura family; Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 7,828  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** mild panic attack, mention of child sexual abuse, major panic attack, language  
>  **Chapter Notes** This plays into the theory that the longer you get away from things and places associated with your trauma, the more it opens your brain up to processing said trauma, which in turn chips away at numbness and other shields a person might build up during the trauma. I’m not sure if that’s true for everyone, but it’s true enough in my experience.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Three: Transitions  
Chapter Five: It’s Easy to Agree to Hide When There’s Nothing to Hide**

The scarf stared back at Ash. It was blue with white snowflakes embroidered on the bottom to make it look like snow falling and gathering into the white tassels. It was long and not narrow but not wide either. The last time he paid much attention to Christmas, he still lived with his dad. Christmas at Dino’s mansion was a blank in his memory he did not try to pry. With the gang, it was a chance to get drunk, watch Rakin and Boss specials on television, and recite the whole goddamned Grinch special every year as a half-drunk group. There was nothing significantly Christmassy about any of his memories from the last two years to even start to pinpoint when Christmas occurred. Ash checked the price of the scarf. It was reasonable enough given how prices kept steadily inflating. He put it carefully with the other things in his basket.

Most people in Japan practiced Shintoism, Buddhism, or no religion at all, but the consumer culture seemed to embrace Santa, Christmas trees, and lights. When they talked about Christmas a few days ago, they decided Eiji would be in charge of food and Ash in charge of decoration. Ash had no attachment to Christmas trees or Santa Claus. Christmas lights seemed more like a thing the shop should decide than a tenant should. Everything was red, green, gold, or white. It blurred together until a candle caught Ash’s attention. He knew exactly what to do with it.

Ash walked home, his mind running through what he studied that morning. Ever since they returned from Tokyo, his studying became more serious. He had practical exams in Japanese to pass along with the English language entrance exam. Memorizing and learning kanji, facts, historical figures, and so forth was a time consuming necessity. He would succeed but it seemed like his life was studying with small breaks for daily function. When he returned home, Eiji was not there. He hid the scarf in his closet and discarded his bag on the floor. His funds were low, but still sustainable. Whether he got into university or not, he would need a job. He should have padded his escape account better.

Ash took the candle and the plain but appropriate holder he bought with it to the table. The candle was very tall and very thick. It was an off-white color and had no obnoxious perfumes. Ash set the candle up in the center of the table with a plate underneath that could withstand the heat of any dripped wax. The candle really belonged on a windowsill but all the sills in the apartment were much too narrow.

Ash could still remember the first time Griff was in charge of Christmas after Ash’s mom left. Griff was still in high school and Ash was old enough to understand that the fireplace spit and he should keep a certain distance from it. As the house grew dark, the only light and heat came from the fireplace as it did every night in winter. The house was upkept enough that the wind could not enter. It was too early to think about sleeping even on a normal night.

Griff retrieved the matches along with a tall, thick candle, and its holder. He let Ash climb up onto a chair to watch as long as he did not lean towards the candle. “Aslan,” he said in his quiet voice meant to keep both of them calm, “we light this candle so Joseph and Mary can find their way to the inn.” Griff paused, unlit match in hand. “If you touch it, it will hurt you and they’ll get lost.”

Ash frowned and looked at the candle before turning his attention to Griff. “But they’re dead.”

Griff ran his tongue along his teeth. “Then Santa won’t come.”

Ash considered this and then sighed. Santa knew everything. It was not fair.

Griff lit the candle carefully. He set it on the wide kitchen windowsill where it could burn all night without falling or catching a curtain on fire. “Don’t touch it,” he said very firmly.

Ash did not remember falling asleep that night. When he woke in the morning, the candle was still burning and Griff was still sleeping. Ash pulled a blanket around himself and sat on the sofa watching the candle until Griff woke.

Ash was already thinking about how to word any of that in Japanese so he could convey it Eiji. Forcing himself to think in Japanese helped the learning process. He found the matches and set them next to the candle. He looked out the window just in time for a blue coat moving to catch his attention. Eiji was off work and heading down the sidewalk on his way towards the store. Ash found a color ad spread in the newspaper to use as wrapping paper and the tape. He needed to take care of the scarf before Eiji returned.

 

~

 

Christmas in Hollywood was a big deal. Children would meet Santa, people went to church, there was always plenty of food, and sometimes there were ghosts. Both Christmases Eiji spent in America, none of these things happened. Eiji spent his first Christmas in New York in the hospital. The doctors said he had blood poisoning from the gunshot wound to his shoulder. Once his fever subsided, he tried to reunite with Ash, but he could not find him. The second Christmas was in an old abandoned hospital. It was bitterly cold and there were hardly any rations to go around. He might not have even realized it was Christmas until Bones mentioned it when they were on lookout duty. They ended up sharing a portion of a candy bar Bones swiped from somewhere. Bones saved the last of it for Kong.

Eiji was careful to keep the small Christmas cake in one of his bags level. His family always got one and it would not feel like Christmas without one. It was barely evening and already there were so many couples out enjoying the evening already. Eiji wanted to take Ash out somewhere and look at all the lights together, but he remembered his promise to Professor Sugihara to keep his private life private. Eiji sighed and his breath drifted away from him. The snow had all but melted and there would be more on the way soon enough.

After the groceries were put away, Eiji looked at the table and then at Ash curiously. The candles in movies and on TV were tall and thin like Rapunzel lived at the top. This candle was just as tall but quite fat. It looked more like a tower that should have canons or perhaps a rook on a minimalist chessboard.

“My brother taught me,” Ash said in that manner he used when he practiced what he wanted to say. His accent still needed work, but Eiji admired how fast Ash learned. “Every year we set a candle on the window. The candle burnt all night. It has no religious meaning anymore, but it is Christmas to me. Not trees. Not Santa.”

When Ash finished talking, Eiji touched the candle gently. Of course, it was like any other candle, but he almost thought he could feel the emotions and memories surrounding it as his finger slid along the smooth wax.

Ash lit the candle, not for Mary and Joseph but for Griff. Ash did not believe in ghosts or the afterlife, but lighting it for Griff felt right. Maybe Griff still existed in some way, maybe he disappeared into nothingness. Ash had no preference.

Ash and Eiji had half of the small Christmas cake with dinner. The cake was fluffy and the whipped icing sweet. The strawberries had seen better days but it was still delicious. As they washed the dishes, they could hear the people in the street and see the decorative lights.

Eiji watched the couples below and then put the last plate away. He felt eyes on him and glanced back at Ash.

“We should go out there,” Ash said. “No one will know.”

Eiji leaned against the kitchen counter. “I’ll know.”

“I will know too.” Ash tossed the towel across the room and into the laundry pile.

That was what should matter. Eiji knew that. His lips pressed together. “Every time we go out it’s always the same, like nothing’s changed.”

“It changed.” Ash looked away from the window. They walked closer, he let his heart beat faster, and he let himself be more aware of Eiji. Even if they could not flirt with each other, it was so much different now than walking through Matsue even a few weeks ago.

“I know.” Eiji sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Maybe he was being silly. Maybe he was overthinking it. He did not want to show off or attract attention. He just wanted to be like any other couple lost in the sea of couples. He wanted to hold Ash’s hand and tell him stupid things about the lights to make him laugh. Maybe they could go out and walk as they normally did. Everyone who knew them thought of Ash as Eiji’s friend from America. Maybe they would all think Eiji was showing Ash stuff about Japanese culture.

Ash watched Eiji’s eyes unfocus. He ran his tongue along his teeth and then said, “I have a gift.”

Eiji watched Ash curiously a moment. “I do too.” He slipped into his own room to retrieve the gift he hid a few days ago. After meeting back up in the hallway, they chose to settle across from each other on the floor in the living room. They exchanged packages with a chorus of, “Merry Christmas.” After some questions of who would unwrap first, they chose to open their gifts at the same time.

Eiji wrapped the scarf around his neck and ran his fingers along the tiny snowflakes. “I like it.”

Ash pulled a pair of dark green knit gloves away from the paper. The gloves fit snuggly but not uncomfortably. One night after returning from Tokyo, Eiji walked over to him and asked for his hands. After studying their palms pressed together for a long moment, Eiji thanked him and went to fix supper. It had not occurred to Ash Eiji was trying to size gloves. “Thanks. These are very nice.”

Eiji leaned forward and kissed Ash. It was firm but short. Ash grasped one of the ends of Eiji’s scarf just enough so Eiji would not retreat. Their foreheads rested together and Eiji closed his eyes. Ash let go of the scarf and ran the tips of his fingers along the back of Eiji’s ear. Ash returned the kiss slowly. Each kiss after was different from the one before it. Sometimes insistent, sometimes languid, sometimes teeth, tongues, whatever seemed right. Eventually they stretched out on the floor with Eiji’s head under a pillow and Ash’s head on his stomach. The candle on the table continued to burn. The streets finally quieted. They fell asleep.

 

~

 

A gun cocking near his ear woke Eiji from a dead sleep. He willed his eyes to stay shut and his breathing to stay somewhat even. He flattened his hand against the mattress under his pillows. There was no gun or knife. With a swift, sharp movement, he kicked off his blankets and then kicked out with both feet with all his strength. His feet hit the carpet and he managed to stand without falling over. It was still dark. The sports plaques on the wall caught the ambient light. There was a desk and bookcase in the shadows. Eiji was alone in his childhood bedroom.

Eiji’s heart continued to race. His father’s footsteps went down the staircase. His mother was already working in the kitchen. He concentrated on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. He tried to slow each breath, tried to make each breath deeper than the last. The cocked gun was so loud, so real, but his door remained closed and there was no evidence of threat in the house.

He said goodbye to Ash a few days ago and took the train to Izumo for New Years. Eiji closed his eyes and opened them. He thought about the drum calling everyone to the shrine. Then he would hear people ring the bells after each prayer. Eiji reached out in front of him, concentrating on the feel of the rope at the shrine. He wanted to remember its weight when he pulled down to banish the evil spirits so he could speak to the Gods in peace. His heart still raced. He tried to concentrate on the smell of dashi from the kitchen. His heart did not slow.

He parted the curtains and peered out the window. He did not know where the noise came from. There were no other unusual sounds. The smells from the kitchen increased. Eiji’s heart gradually slowed. His parents moved on as though Eiji’s dramatic exit from the house never happened and Ash did not exist as Eiji expected they would. If Ash chose one of the universities near Tokyo, Eiji did not think he would make the journey back for New Year’s next year. Eiji let the curtain slip closed. His eyes moved from the cleared desk to his records and player still on the floor to what books remained on his shelves and his bed. Why was he here? He wanted to spend time with his family. He wanted to make up for missing the last two New Years. Eiji rubbed his face and made his bed. He smoothed the blankets down and sighed. His room still felt like someone else’s room, someone else’s life. It no longer fit.

 

~

 

The apartment was quiet and boring without Eiji, though Ash had plenty to do to prepare for his exams. A cassette played quietly. Even though almost all of Eiji’s tapes were Japanese musicians, the style of music matched Ash’s taste. Ash set his work aside and murmured the lyrics quietly, gazing out the window. For so many years, New Year’s Eve meant flying out to Hollywood and attending one or more secret parties where stars had children and teens hanging off their arms while people like Dino hosted. The first time Ash had a normal New Year’s Eve the gang got piss drunk while watching whatever movie was on television. When the fireworks started in Times Square, they all climbed up onto the rooftop to watch. Last year Ash did not even realize it was New Year’s Eve until the fireworks echoed through the city.

The tape ended and Ash pressed the rewind button. He stood up, stretched, and grabbed his coat. It was chilly and clear without any breeze. There was still snow on the ground. Ash took off in a random direction without a destination. There were people out and about along with vendors selling warm drinks. Soon a drum began to play and people made their way to a shrine nearby. The drum beat steadily. It seemed to pull Ash towards the crowd and towards the steps that would lead up to the shrine, but he remained where he was out of the way in the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex. When his Japanese course covered holidays, they did a brief overview of New Years in Japan. Each family had their own traditions and each shrine their own way of doing things. The drum continued to beat. Ash had no use for religion. He had no relationship with the God or Gods of this shrine. The drum kept beating. It kept pulling.

When the drums ended, the people kept coming and the bells began to ring. Ash closed his eyes and opened them, watching his breath float into the sky. It did not feel like New Year’s Eve if New Year’s Eve was even supposed to feel distinct at all. He slowly headed away, deciding to continue on his walk. The snow creaked beneath his feet. The air grew colder.

 

~

 

Every year Eiji’s family went to the shrine after waking up on New Year’s Day until Hatsuko entered middle school and the siblings would go on New Year’s Eve and join the crowd at midnight while their parents still chose to go first thing in the morning. Their shrine was the oldest and one of the most famous Shinto shrines in the country and very, very, very crowded. Eiji was already thinking about what he might say to the Gods. He wanted to pray for strength and good fortune for both himself and Ash. He wanted to release himself from the traumas in New York and focus on the good things. He pulled the scarf closer to his chin.

Eiji and Hatsuko stood quietly waiting in the midst of the crowd for the drums to call them to the shrine. Hatsuko snuffled and wiped at her face. Eiji stared up at the sky, watching the stars peek through the moving clouds. There was still snow on the ground and a cold breeze. Eiji smiled a little and turned to Hatsuko to say something, but the words slipped from his mind.

Hatsuko’s gloves and cheeks were smudged black. Her mascara continued to run down her face. She snuffled quietly and swallowed. “Sorry,” Hatsuko murmured and sniffed again. She found tissues in her purse. The tears kept streaming. Her makeup kept running.

Hatsuko rarely cried, usually only if she was hurt. When they were children, her occasional tears could easily disappear with a little ice cream or bribes to do her chores. Eiji knew this was not that kind of crying. He put an arm around her shoulders and handed her another tissue.

“I’m just really happy you’re alright.” Hatsuko tried to dab at her eyes rather than smear. “I thought I’d never see you again. I thought I’d never know what happened to you. They kept talking on the news about all the bad things happening in New York and you never called.”

Eiji said nothing. He kept handing her tissues. Most people around them were too preoccupied with their friends and family to pay attention to them.

Hatsuko took several deep breaths and after a while managed to gain control again. She tried to clean up her face with the tissues, but she needed makeup remover. She looked down at her gloves and groaned. “I’m making a mess.”

“It’s what you do best,” Eiji teased. He removed his arm from her shoulders and nudged her gently. “New Year of the Living Dead.”

Hatsuko took her gloves off and swatted him. She turned the gloves inside out and then put them in her purse. “Don’t make me wipe my mascara on your coat.” She took a few more deep breaths and then she was calm.

Eiji poked her in the cheek once. “I’m sorry I didn’t come home sooner.” Was he really sorry? Eiji was not sure, but he did not like making Hatsuko cry.

“‘We all leave home someday’ I guess,” Hatsuko murmured. “That’s what Dad kept saying.” Hatsuko looked up at the sky and then at Eiji. “Must be hard staying in Japan when your heart is in New York.”

“My heart isn’t in New York.” Eiji put his hands in his pockets.

“True. Part of it is in Matsue,” Hatsuko said. She sighed. “Why are you guys staying here anyway? Wouldn’t you both be happier over there?”

“Trying to get rid of me?” Eiji snorted.

“No. I just thought your photography seemed like you loved New York. It was kind of different from how it normally looks,” Hatsuko paused and then added, “in a good way.”

Eiji sighed. Hatsuko sounded like Ash did back in Tokyo. “I’ll get even better here. You’ll see.” He was not sure of this. He still had to choose between magazines. He still struggled with building an updated portfolio. Everything he needed to do art-wise seemed to pile up before his eyes.

Hatsuko grasped one of the ends of Eiji’s scarf and ran her fingers along the design. “Ash has a good eye. This is really cute.” The drum began to sound.

“I think it’s very manly,” Eiji said in a rather gruff voice, mimicking a teacher from their elementary school days, causing both of them to giggle. Eiji looked down at the elevated end of the scarf. The breeze ruffled the decorative threads along the hem. “Is it that obvious he picked it out?”

“I’m your sister. I know things.” Hatsuko let go of his scarf. “Let’s go.” They joined the mass of people preparing to greet the New Year and the Gods. The clouds began to thin and the stars became brighter.

 

~

 

Even though Ash had been in Japan for nine months, hardly a day went by that he did not hear American or British pop and rock music. It was more prevalent in Tokyo than Matsue, but whenever Ash was near campus someone somewhere was sharing their music obsessions with everyone around them, though at a much quieter level than people did in New York. Ash stood at the corner waiting for the light to change. His shoulders tensed and the hair on his arms seemed to stand on edge. He knew there was music approaching from behind but at the same time, his brain did not register the music at all. A student with headphones hanging around their neck stood beside him at the crosswalk. He recognized the disco beat. He would know it anywhere. Normally numbness would start in his fingers and toes before engulfing his whole body. Normally his brain would go into the clouds to observe him from above. This time his brain stayed put and his stomach ached.

The light changed and Ash took long strides. The song followed. Ash turned down a street, but the music still followed. His heartrate increased. The song changed to the same song that always followed. Ash’s heart tightened. He stopped at a vending machine and waited for the punk to pass, but no one passed him. No one was following him. He was alone in front of the vending machine. He felt silk sheets and obtrusive hands. He smelled cigarettes smoldering in ashtrays and heard the wheeze of the director. The music continued. He could not let go of the memories. Ash slammed his fist into the vending machine. A soda bottle dislodged. Ash grabbed it from the machine, wanting to feel the chill, wanting to think about anything else. The bottle slipped from his fingers and shattered against the sidewalk. It was too long. It was too smooth. It was too wet. It was too much like props he could not forget.

Ash knelt down and picked up one of the long shards of glass. He could use it to defend himself if he had to. He dropped it back into the sticky, pointy mess. He would not need it. He wiped his fingers on his jeans and left before he could do something stupid. His stomach knotted and bile burned his throat. He tried to make himself remember other songs, think about kanji, think about things around him – anything – but his brain kept perseverating, looping endlessly through negative memories. Why couldn’t he detach himself? Why did he feel so much? Why couldn’t his brain let go? His speed increased but he did not run. He took the shortest route he remembered to the apartment. He did not want to come across anyone he might know. His heart pounded in his ears. His sticky shoes made noise against patches of bare pavement. He bit back the urge to scream in frustration.

 

~

 

When Eiji returned from Izumo, Ash was not there. He put the crab his mother sent with him in the fridge and his bag in his room. He pulled his dirty clothes from his bag and took them to the laundry. There were heavy footsteps on the stairs. Someone tried to open the door without unlocking it first. After much commotion, the door opened and slammed shut. Eiji held his breath. He dropped his laundry and grabbed the broom nearby. Eiji exhaled slowly and flipped the broom in his hands so he could use the head to defend himself. He stepped out of the laundry room.

Ash brushed by him at a fast clip, dirty shoes still on his feet. Ash’s shoulder narrowly missed the broom head. He slammed the door to the room behind him, leaving a slushy sticky trail across the hallway.

“Fuck!” Ash hissed in English not even a second later. He burst out of the room with his shoes in his hand. He walked past the slush trail and dropped his shoes at the door.

Eiji set the broom back where it belonged. He stepped over the slush trail and ventured into the living area.

Ash’s hands gripped his hair, pulling so tight he might rip strands from his head. His eyes shut tight and then opened wide. His fingers trembled and slipped from his hair when he noticed Eiji. One hand slowly extended towards Eiji, palm facing him, fingers splayed. “Don’t touch me.”

“I won’t,” Eiji said in English. All the things he wanted to tell Ash slipped from his mind. Other times he saw Ash’s hands tremble it was almost unnoticeable and usually Ash’s eyes would be elsewhere and his face expressionless. Eiji leaned against the wall next to the door to the laundry.

Ash’s eyebrows drew together and his fingers curled as if that would help keep them from shaking. His jaw clenched and he moved past Eiji to retrieve bath towels from the laundry. He dropped the towels to the floor with swift harshness. He moved the towels with his feet and then he abruptly stopped and took a deep breath. “Jesus fucking…” The heels of his hands pressed against his eyes and then his hands slid down his face, his entire body sliding to the floor in the same movement. “What the fuck am I doing?”

Eiji picked one of the towels up and dropped it onto the last of the slush. Every answer sounded wrong.

Ash bowed his head. “It’s just a song,” he murmured. His hands rested on his lap and his legs stretched out. He looked up at Eiji. His eyes were wide and wild. His shoulders moved with each breath.

Words continued to fail Eiji. He sat across from Ash with a decent amount of distance between them.

“Tell me about the trip,” Ash said. “Tell me whatever you want. Just talk.”

Eiji licked his lips. He decided to start at the beginning. The train ride was uneventful. Hatsuko met him at the station and he stayed with her for a night before they went home the next morning. While his father and sister cleaned the house, he helped his mother with the food. Eiji did not mention hearing a gun that was not there. He did not talk about how strange his bedroom felt. He skipped the part where Hatsuko cried, but told Ash the rest about his first visit to the shrine. “I also got omikuji,” Eiji said. “It’s in my bag.” Hatsuko thought it would be fun to get some and Eiji thought Ash might want to try translating it. After a pause, Eiji asked, “What did you do?”

Ash stretched slightly and his shoulders began to lower. He ran a hand through his hair. “I studied and went for a walk. I saw everyone at the shrine but I didn’t go.”

“Next year we can go together,” Eiji said. He was not sure where they would go or if Ash would want to go.

They were quiet for a long time. Ash continued to unwind. Eiji remembered when they were in New York and the speed Ash would change a radio station sometimes. It was not often, but Eiji always noticed because it was so immediate compared to Ash changing the station most of the time. Even the gang seemed to know when to silence certain bands, certain songs, though no one discussed it. Eiji never heard any of the songs long enough to tell what commonalities they held. The only thing he noticed after a while was only the stations playing top forty music or news never elicited such speedy switching.

“You’re so strong,” Ash said quietly. Ash pulled his knees up and folded his arms over them. He kept watching his feet.

Eiji looked down at his hands. “I’m not.” He felt Ash’s gaze. Eiji ran his thumb along the other. “Sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes I wake up confused. I think someone is trying to shoot me. I remember bad things and I cannot forget. It’s…” Eiji made a few circles in the air with his finger, “a loop. Sometimes I am with you sometimes I am not. I try to,” he thought of the right word, “overcome.”

Ash frowned. His legs stretched out in front of him and he leaned back on his hands. “Coming to Japan was supposed to help.”

“Maybe it will.” Eiji laid down on the floor and put his hands over his eyes, pressing down gently. He was far enough away that his feet could not quite touch Ash’s feet. He rested his hands on his abdomen gently. The cold floor was strangely welcoming. “I need to write about New York. Magazines want me to and I need to. Maybe it will help.”

Ash looked up at the ceiling. “If you write about me, call me Lynx. Tell them I died.”

Eiji was quiet for a long time. “How did you die?”

Ash’s focus turned to the front door. “Someone stabbed me. I’m in an unmarked grave like Griff.”

Eiji’s eyes moved along the ceiling. “Everyone will have questions.”

Ash ran through possible excuses and scenarios. “There was a letter in my pocket. Some sentimental police secretary sent it to you instead of leaving it in evidence or something.”

“What was the letter?” Eiji asked, his voice growing quieter.

Ash answered faster than Eiji expected. “It was goodbye. I wanted you to move on.”

“I would not move on,” Eiji said, voice just above a whisper.

“Everyone moves on.” Ash stood up and finished cleaning the slush from the floor.

“I told you I will go crazy. I will.” Eiji sat up. He placed his hands between his legs on the floor and pushed against the surface so the stretch moved through his shoulders.

“You said that after knowing me for a few months.” Ash started loading the towels and other similar things into the small washer.

“I meant it. I still mean it.” Eiji stood up and smoothed out his shirt.

Ash paused for a moment. Then he filled the washing machine with water from the tub. He heard Eiji approach the doorway but did not look at him. Eiji kept saying that. How could Eiji even know? No one would mourn him that badly when he died. Ash started the washer and put the hose away. He turned to face Eiji.

In the dim light, it was hard to see Ash’s expression. Eiji wanted to reach out but refrained. “I brought things from Izumo,” he said in Japanese. “I will show you.” He went to get what was still in his bag. He did not know if Ash felt better or had simply calmed down. It seemed time to change the subject.

 

~

 

All the shops had Valentines displays dedicated to making chocolate and buying chocolate. Now that the day arrived, the shopping frenzy seemed to have died down and Ash saw groups of girls giggling together or consoling their friends. In Japan, Valentines Day was a day for women to express their feelings and in a month on White Day, men could reciprocate. When Eiji brought up celebrating Valentines Day a while back, they agreed to observe only Valentines Day. Ash did not want to do something too cliché but he did not want to miss the mark either. He followed his instinct and he had a general plan for the evening. Before Dino, Valentines Day was just a classroom event with red punch and paper cards. With Dino, it was false affection. Once Ash joined the gang, it was an excuse to swipe candy and chocolate. Sometimes someone would buy a box of cartoon Valentines and they would joke around by sticking stickers on each other and laving bastardized Valentines in dumb places.

The gang was on Ash’s mind a lot the last few days. When Ash sat his exams last month, Eiji started working on an article for one of the magazine offers and finalized the article for print recently. The article covered gang life in general and excluded stories about banana fish and the gang war. Ash read over the last few drafts. It was well written and a general overview. Ash spent the last few years in New York with them, dealing with injuries, death, loyalty, and betrayal. Everything felt impossibly long ago, even though it was several months. A year ago this month, the conflict with Foxx was nearing its end. A year before that, the conflict had only barely begun. The year before that, he found a He-Man valentine in his shoe first thing after waking that someone drew circle boobs over the pecs. He dragged his gang into so much bullshit and then ran to the airport and left them to deal with the rest. They had Alex to fill the void. It was not that simple though. There were articles in the news about the escalation in violence and murder. Even with Ash there, even without the banana fish drama, the cocaine firestorm still raged and it would probably consume almost everyone eventually.

Ash entered the apartment. Eiji was not home yet. He sighed and set his things on the table. He needed to stop thinking about New York and concentrate on what he should be doing. He wanted to start tonight with the right gesture and a clear mind.

 

~

 

Eiji knew well before going to New York that America treated Valentine’s Day differently than Japan did. Flowers, jewelry, assorted chocolates, stuffed animals, cards, balloons, and even more things for the sake of things would descend into every single store practically the instant all the New Year’s things went to the clearance aisle. When he suggested they celebrate Valentines Day Eiji honestly was not sure if Ash would want to, but Ash agreed to it. Eiji stepped out of the shop and looked up at the dying sunset colors in the sky. Americans used this holiday as an excuse for sex as though they needed the excuse. Eiji was not sure if tonight would be that kind of night. When the time came, Eiji wanted Ash to be himself. Eiji saw Ash weaponized his sexuality enough to know that kind of postured intimacy held no appeal. When Ash was at his sexiest, it was effortless. One time they were sitting next to each other at the table in their shared bedroom in the luxury apartment while the sun set. Ash’s posture was relaxed with his chin resting on his hand. The sunset caught Ash’s eyelashes and the moisture of his lips. The apartment was warm and they could hear the street muffled by the window. Eiji became increasingly aware of the fact their knees barely touched, that their arms were much too close even with space between them. His heart beat steadily louder and he had to look out the window and move his knee somewhere else or he would have asked for something he was not sure Ash wanted to give yet.

Eiji shook his head to clear it. He doubted it would be an issue yet and he did not want to influence his thoughts in the wrong direction or open up his own insecurities on the subject. Eiji wanted it to be a nice evening. A blurry figure at the top of the stairs caught Eiji’s attention. He squinted a bit and when the light above the door came on, he could see Ash’s hair glowing.

Ash stopped leaning against the railing and walked down the steps. He met Eiji near the middle of the staircase. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” he said in English and brought his hands into view along with a small bouquet of tulips streaked in red and orange. They caught the light and the eye. They smelled fragrant and sweet and looked fresh and firm.

“Happy Valentines Day.” Eiji took the bouquet. No one from the street could see them. He did not care if the neighbors who shared an alley with them might see, but Ash stood on the step above his and out of reach even on Eiji’s tiptoes. He needed to keep his promises anyway. Eiji tugged on Ash’s sleeve and led the way up the stairs.

Once the door closed behind them, Eiji kissed Ash. One kiss became two became three before they pulled apart.

The flowers went in a mug on the table away from the candle. The candle was much shorter than it was at Christmas but it was still useable. It cast a dull light in the darkening room. Both of them had boxes of similar size and Eiji rested a card on top of his box for Ash. They decided to take turns opening things this time.

Ash picked up the card first. Eiji drew the lighthouse at the cape in Matsue and took some artistic liberty with what it must look like to look back at it from the sea. He colored it with pencils and varied the colors to convey light and shadow. There were billowy, puffy clouds in the sky and surf crashing against the cape. Ash took in the details and the way the strokes of line and variation of color suggested movement. All of Eiji’s art Ash saw before were either photographs or quick doodles left with his notes.

Eiji held his breath while Ash studied the design. It seemed more fitting than hearts or other generic Valentine imagery. Ash continued to say nothing. Eiji continued to watch. Maybe hearts would have been a better choice.

Ash finally opened the card. Eiji’s western handwriting was decorative and suited the card better than it suited budget lists and little notes.

“Our place. Our time. In my heart and mind always

“Happy Valentines Day”

Ash closed the card and looked at Eiji. He blinked. Eiji was intense but silent, fingers curled in anticipation. “Calm down. It’s great.” Ash tapped the back of the card against the top of Eiji’s head once, careful not to bend it in the process.

Eiji exhaled. “You were so quiet.” He leaned back in relief.

“I wanted to look at it.” Ash set the card aside where he thought they would not accidentally ruin it.

Ash’s gift to Eiji was a small box of strawberry cream flavored candy that he knew Eiji liked, but shaped into hearts for the season. Eiji got Ash a small box of chocolates that were of a quality higher than one might give to their friends. They still had yet to put a name to what they were to each other. Eiji did not want to make it weird by making homemade chocolate this time especially since Americans gave each other store bought no matter how serious or romantic the relationship. He did not want tonight to be weird.

After dinner, they cycled through the tape collection dancing however they wanted. As it grew later, Ash blew out the candle. Eiji lingered in the space between the kitchen and the doorways. With the candle out, only the streetlights illuminated their faces barely.

Ash approached Eiji until they were so close there was hardly any light. They did not move.

“It’s cold tonight,” they said simultaneously and paused. It was the start of the excuse Ash always used whenever they shared a bed when there were two available or laid next to each other on the floor in New York before they had to go on the run. Eiji laughed softly and Ash snorted.

“It’s cold tonight,” Eiji said, echoing the full excuse. “We should stick together.”

Eiji’s futon was not as tight of a squeeze as the last bed they shared. The night was quiet, calm, and cold. The futon was warm and their breathing even. It would be difficult to wake up in the morning.

 

~

 

The weather in Matsue was not too different from the weather in New York at this time of year. There was still snow but mostly slush. Ash trudged back to the apartment and stopped at the mailbox before heading inside. Ash set the bundle of letters on the table. There was a tiny note taped to the fridge stating Eiji went to mail the final draft of his article. It included a small doodle of an envelope with motion lines as though it would fly to the corner of the paper.

Ash flipped through the mail. Each envelop was addressed to him from a different university. He sat at the table and opened rejection after rejection. He expected as much. It came down to acquiring the right knowledge and the admissions selection team. Ash grasped the final envelope by the corner and let it swing in the air. Was it his scores? Was it the fact as well as he could read and write in Japanese well enough but he was weak in speaking it? Was it his age? Did they do a background check on Aslan Callenreese only to find a large gap in his existence? It could be any factor. Ash opened the final envelope. His eyes scanned the words and then reread them. He sat straighter. It was an acceptance letter.

Ash sat back in his chair and stared at the letter. He was twenty. He was going to go to university. He did not have to worry about private tutors with greedy hands. He was going to choose a career that had nothing to do with drugs, prostitution, or weapons. His hands trembled and the letter slipped to the table. He was going to do something so many people his age did. Was this really what he wanted to do with his life? Was this the right major? Who knew, but he had the luxury to discover what he wanted. His chest tightened. It was some kind of normal.

There was so much to think about, so much to prepare. Ash started making supper so the multitasking would help his mind fly through everything. Some of it he already considered like moving costs, some of it he did not think too hard about like just how short it was until classes began in April. When Eiji came home, Ash paused while chopping the onion and asked in Japanese, “Do you want to go to Yokohama?”

Eiji blinked and then he grinned. “You got in?”

“Only Yokohama.” Ash set the knife down and let Eiji wrap his arms around him. Eiji was still cold and smelled like melting snow. Ash pulled him close nonetheless.

“We should celebrate.” Eiji kissed Ash quickly and then went to put his coat away.

“We can celebrate in Yokohama.” Ash went back to chopping the onion. Just getting in seemed like celebration enough.

Eiji joined Ash and they worked on supper together. The more they talked about what they needed to do, the more details began to rise to the surface. There were resources at Yokohama to help foreign students like Ash get jobs, find housing, and other necessities. As they estimated before, moving would require renting a car at some point rather than renting space on a moving truck or trying to take things on the train. Eiji would have to drive it since Ash did not have a license acceptable in Japan.

After supper, they set up in the main room with pillows. Eiji pulled out the budgets they worked on earlier to refine them along with what information they already had on Yokohama. Ash sat back with his pillow propped against the wall. Movement out of the corner of his eye drew his attention to Eiji.

Eiji stretched, discarding his notebook. He laid down on his stomach with his arms under his pillow and his chin on top of it. He looked at Ash through his bangs before pushing them out of his line of sight. Eiji cut Ash’s hair from time to time but had not cut his own since he went on the interview for his developer job as far as Ash knew. It reminded Ash of boy band hair on posters he saw at the mall.

Eiji frowned. “I cannot move until I’m replaced,” he said in English. Eiji did not know why the reality of moving brought the thought to his mind. He should have realized this weeks ago.

Ash smirked a little. “Always taking responsibility.”

Eiji snorted. “This time I won’t steal a car.”

“But if you did, we could use it to move.” Ash let Eiji’s pillow hit him square in the chest. Then he took it hostage and put it behind himself and his pillow.

Eiji sat back on his knees and ran his hands through his hair. Ash did not look away. Eiji had on a sweater that hung loosely, so there was no croptop to blame. Ash was not sure if he always watched Eiji so closely or if the more whatever it was between them continued, the more he allowed himself to look. Why right now? Maybe it was the curve of Eiji’s jaw or the angle of his neck. Maybe it was the way his sweater hid his frame.

After Eiji shook his hair out, Ash said, “I can go on ahead and get a job and a place.”  
Even if he could access all the money he stole from Dino, he did not trust himself with nothing to do.

Eiji moved towards Ash and pulled his pillow free. He sat down beside Ash and stretched his legs out. Eiji sighed. “I can help sign for the apartment.” It was easier to get a place if someone who was Japanese would live there too. “I do not know when I can move there.” He might leave before he reached a year’s employment at the shop. He might have to wait for new students to arrive who would want to take the job. Luckily moving to Yokohama brought him closer to Tokyo and the publisher he worked with for the New York article. Depending on the response to his article and photography, he could start taking assignments.

“Don’t worry about it.” Ash nudged him.

Sleet prickled against the windows. The wind changed directions and gained speed. The apartment creaked. They moved closer together and continued brainstorming.

 

**To be continued…**


	6. Part Three: Transitions, Chapter Six: Heavy Things Come in All Sizes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Six, in which things get a little heated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Six, in which things get a little heated  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ibe Shunichi, Max Lobo, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, original characters (doctor, student group); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 7,097  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** mention of child sexual abuse, STDs  
>  **Chapter Notes** Part Three of the fic seemed like one of those parts that might have served better as a single chapter but I’m trying to keep the chapters around 10,000 words and chapters five and six combine to almost 15,000. When I split parts to make chapters, I always try to split them fairly evenly. Chapters one and two are an exception because they used to be separate parts but I realized they organized better as a complete thought.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Three: Transitions  
Chapter Six: Heavy Things Come in All Sizes**

The first time Eiji wore glasses he was a first year in middle school. The frames were the wrong shape and size for his face and every time he looked in the mirror, all he could think about was how big his eyes looked and how strange his jaw seemed. He needed them for distance so as long as no one assigned him to sit at the back of the classroom, he rationalized he did not really need them and the pair soon became a permanent resident of his left desk drawer. His eyes were decent enough at eighteen to pass his driver’s test without glasses, but he knew they were worse now especially at twilight. He went to the optometrist a few days ago and picked up his new frames after work. He could have gotten contacts but he did not want to lose them while developing film.

Eiji entered the apartment with a quiet, “I’m home,” in Japanese.

Ash replied, “Welcome home,” from his bedroom where he made sure he had everything where he needed it to leave for Yokohama in the morning. The sooner Ash left for Yokohama, the more time he would have to do everything he had to do before classes began in April.

Eiji went over to Ash’s doorframe and felt his mind go blank before a cacophony of thoughts struck him. All those times they were close together almost touching and the sun seemed to illuminate Ash in a way that made Eiji’s heart beat faster were not flukes of hormones or lighting. Even now in minimal light coming from a small desk lamp, the way Ash moved, the way his hair caught the light, it all struck Eiji speechless. Was it because of the glasses? Was it because he was not sure when he would see Ash again? Was this what Ash looked like all the time?

Ash stared back at Eiji. Everything made more sense now. Every time he saw Eiji shoot, Eiji struggled even as his aim improved. Ash always attributed it to Eiji’s nature, but maybe there was more to it. Ash snorted. “So the glasses I heard about were more than a disguise.” He did not remember much from his rescue. Everything he saw was blurs and shadows. His heart skipped when he heart Eiji’s voice before fear gripped him not even a second later. Ash never once considered there would be a rescue let alone that Eiji would end up in the middle of it. Sometimes he wondered if all that followed after he became weak at the mansion was some elaborate coma.

“I borrowed them from someone. They helped.” Even with the glasses helping his aim, Eiji still could not kill when the time came. He was not sure if that was good or bad. Why couldn’t he shoot when he had to? Could he have prevented everything with Foxx if he had? Eiji tried not to think about it. There were no productive answers. Eiji lowered his eyes.

Ash watched Eiji stare off a moment though Eiji’s eyes remained in focus. Ash zipped up his bag. He crossed the distance between them in a few strides. Eiji looked up at him. They were so close. Almost too close.

Eiji licked his lips and then stepped out of the doorway and turned to head down the hall to the kitchen.

Ash reached out to grasp Eiji’s hand but pulled back before their fingers could touch. He drew in a long, silent breath.

 

Time seemed to past faster than usual. Supper went quickly. The evening slipped away. Eiji did not realize he fell asleep on the floor until Ash removed the magazine over his face.

“I will not carry you.” Ash cast the magazine aside.

Eiji sat up and then got to his feet. He removed his glasses, stuck them on the neck of his shirt, and rubbed his eyes a little. He leaned against Ash. Ash did not move away. They had been sleeping with their futons pushed together in Eiji’s room every night since Valentines Day. It was only a few steps away but neither of them moved. Was there something to say? Something more to do? What did they wait for?

Eiji stopped leaning on Ash. He led the way to the bedroom.

 

~

 

The alarm sounded all too soon and breakfast seemed to pass too quickly. It was earlier than either of them would wake normally. They already agreed to say goodbye at the apartment rather than Eiji making the trip to the station and back before work. Ash’s bag rested at his feet. He pulled on his coat.

It would be a long time before they would see each other again. Eiji hugged Ash tight. “I’ll join you when I can.”

Ash pulled Eiji as close as he could. They pressed against each other. Eiji kissed his face and then his mouth. A second kiss led to a third. Eiji’s fingers slid through Ash’s hair. Ash squeezed Eiji’s hips. The morning was quiet and the apartment warm. Ash nipped gently at Eiji’s neck. Eiji’s hands slipped under Ash’s coat. His fingers slid down Ash’s shirt. Ash’s hands moved under Eiji’s shirt, his fingers skimming along the skin above Eiji’s waistband. He wanted to feel Eiji’s hands against his skin. The impulse caused Ash stepped back abruptly, hitting the entryway behind him.

Eiji caught his breath. He could still feel Ash’s mouth at his neck and hands on his skin. He shivered from something other than the cold beyond the door. His entire body pulsed. If he asked, what would Ash say? If he asked, how far would they go? Should they? Eiji exhaled slowly.

Ash ran his hands through his hair. If he asked, he had a feeling Eiji would agree. If he asked, he could give into the impulses occurring to him. If he asked.... Ash swallowed. He could not ask. Not yet. Ash took a deep breath. “I should go.”

“Okay,” Eiji said, unsure if it really was. Their hands touched briefly and then Ash left. Eiji went to the window and watched Ash make his way to the bus stop down the street. Eiji rested his forehead against the glass. His entire face felt hot. His entire body still pulsed. His stomach was down by his feet. When Ash disappeared from view, Eiji stepped away from the window. He touched his neck gently. He could still feel the remnants of Ash’s touches. He closed his eyes.

 

~

 

The cheaper way to get to Yokohama was to take the bus to Okayama and then take a train the rest of the way. Ash let his mind wander, though he was always aware of the crowd. He thought about having sex with Eiji on and off for years. Eiji was eager to know him and flirtatious, a combination that always led to sex eventually. Yet, there was just more flirtation and some kissing. Maybe Eiji was not ready. Maybe Eiji did not want to be some one-night stand. When they got to Japan and Eiji came out, it set them back. Maybe Eiji had just been waiting for Ash to be ready this entire time. It seemed a ludicrous thought.

Pine topped hills passed by out the window. The ride continued quietly. Ash felt the pull of the morning in his stomach. There was a warmth clinging to his body. It was not unwelcomed or forced. If it was Eiji’s day off and Ash had no bus to catch, Ash did not know how that would have ended. If he ever felt that strong desire again with Eiji’s open response, he did not know if he could step away again either. Ash did not know he was capable of that much unforced, unprovoked desire. That desire was dangerous. Ash did not know how clean he was anymore. Dino wanted those he used and abused to be clean especially after reports about HIV began. Clean possessions meant higher demand and higher prices. How many people had he had sex with willingly and unwillingly since rebelling against Dino? When was the last time anyone tested him? So many diseases and infections were asymptomatic. He could give anything to Eiji.

The warmth Ash felt dissipated. He needed to get tested before Eiji came to Yokohama. He did not want to think about it, but this morning proved he had no choice. He was not sure how he could convince someone to give him an HIV test in Japan. Did Japan even have HIV cases? Probably. It seemed to be a pandemic now. Ash sighed silently. He did not want to spend the entire trip thinking about it.

 

~

 

It would likely take until the start of the new school year for someone to replace Eiji at work. The apartment went on the market since Professor Sugihara said the extra income was worth renting it. The apartment seemed quiet and empty even though Eiji spent plenty of time alone in it when Ash was still in Matsue. Eiji looked at the calendar and frowned. It was three years to the day since he met Ash. That meant it was three years since Skip died. Eiji had no photos of Skip. All the photos from that day were a few shots of Ash and the teens playing pool that Ibe took for his article.

Eiji breathed in and out of his nose and then tied his running shoes, making sure they were tight. Since Ash left, he started jogging on his days off to help clear his mind and center his soul. He used to jog every morning from the time he was in middle school until his sports injury. He forgot how at peace he felt before New York, before the tournament. The air outside was still chilly, but there was more sun than there had been for months. The breeze pushed the hair from Eiji’s face as he ran. He was with the breeze, with the pavement, with the sky, with the sun. His mind cleared and he did nothing but exist.

When he returned from his run, Eiji froze. His eyes immediately locked onto the staircase. He retreated to the alley entrance that led away from the bus stop. His mind spun. Max was there at the top of the staircase. Eiji bit his tongue. He heard heavy footsteps on the stairs. Max exited out the alley entrance that led towards the bus stop. Eiji waited and then quickly went up the stairs quietly. There was a note on the door, saying that Max was sorry for showing up without notice, but they needed to talk. The note had a contact number for a hotel. Eiji took a deep breath. Was there any direct evidence of Ash in the apartment? There were no photos on display. The belongings Ash left behind could belong to anyone. There was the candle, but that could mean anything. Eiji sighed and hurried towards the bus stop after Max.

It was weird with Max in their apartment especially with Ash gone. Eiji discreetly closed Ash on his way to his own to change into clean clothes. He tried to return to the kitchen quickly.

“This is a nice place,” Max said when Eiji returned. “Sorry about showing up without calling. I didn’t have a number. Probably should have asked Shunichi.”

“It’s okay.” Was it really okay? Eiji did not know. He offered drinks and brewed tea when Max accepted. Had the two of them ever had a moment by themselves before? Had they ever had a conversation without at least Ibe, Jessica, or Ash present? Maybe during the trip to Los Angeles at some random point. Max was more Ibe and Ash’s friend than his friend, though Eiji did not dislike Max.

Max thanked Eiji for the tea when Eiji brought it to the table. Max’s eyebrows seemed to draw even closer together. He waited until Eiji sat before he said, “I wanted to tell you this in person.” His grip tightened on his mug and he let go, afraid it might break. “There’s no easy way to say – no right way to say this. Ash…died.”

Eiji felt his heart skip before plummeting past his stomach. His breath caught. He did not dare speak.

Max looked away. “He told me a while back he didn’t think he would make it. He said if he disappeared for a year with no contact, he’d be dead. I didn’t want to believe it, but…” his voice trailed, his lips quivering as he spoke.

Eiji could not look at Max directly. Max fidgeted out of the corner of his eye.

“Eiji, they found a body.” His tone grew gentler, quieter, “Nadia Wong identified him. He had his gun.”

Eiji looked up from his mug. Max stared off at his own mug, his lips in a very thin line.

How did Nadia decide the body was Ash? Had she identified Ash knowing Ash was gone? Had Max seen the body too? How had this body convinced everyone? How did that body have Ash’s gun? There were so many questions. “Max…” Eiji’s voice thinned. Someone was dead because of Ash and because of Eiji too. Maybe it was done to protect Ash. Could a lookalike find peace? Had they died for Ash or were just mistaken for him? What would happen when whoever killed this person found out they made a mistake? What if they already knew? What if Ash died in Yokohama? Tears stung Eiji’s eyes.

Max stood up and walked over, squeezing Eiji’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I…”

Eiji put his face in his hands. How many people died to get to this point? What if Ash stayed in New York? What if Eiji had not noticed the guns pointed at them in the hideout? What if Ash died in front of him? Fears Eiji only experienced in nightmares bubbled forth. He was sick of thinking about death and guns. The tears would not stop. He felt Max’s hand steady on his shoulder.

When Eiji’s tears lessened, he got up to get tissues. “Sorry,” he murmured.

“It’s alright.” Max breathed deeply. “There’s something else.” He reached into his bag and pulled out an envelope.

Eiji took it. It felt stuffed to the brim with paper. Usually Ash’s handwriting was neat but fast and sometimes the letters flowed together even though he wrote in print more often than cursive, but on this envelope, Ash wrote Eiji’s name so each letter was slow and separated. Eiji’s fingers trembled. What was Ash thinking when he did this? Why was he so deliberate and careful? What could Ash possibly say posthumously that was so lengthy?

“He gave me envelopes to deliver if he died. I think he knew what was coming.” Max licked his lips and shifted his weight. “He gave me one too. You should look at it sooner than you’ll want to. There’s something important inside.”

What could be that important? Eiji set the envelope on the table. “Thanks,” he said very quietly.

“I’m going to meet Shunichi for supper,” Max said. “Do you want to come?”

Eiji could just imagine. Ibe would already be exhausted coming from Tokyo for his assignment. Max would tell Ibe about Ash. Ibe would then proceed to stare at Eiji with that look. Eiji did not want to put Ibe or himself on the spot like that. “I think…I need…” Eiji tried to think of a good way to say it, “I need time.”

Max nodded. “I’m here for a few days. If you need anything, even after I go back, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thanks.” Eiji could not think of anything he would or could ask, even if Ash was actually dead.

Max got ready to leave. He turned to Eiji and opened his arms a little. Eiji accepted the hug. Max’s hug was warm, tight, and all encompassing. He smelled like America and it was strangely comforting. Eiji let go after a long moment.

They said goodbye and Max left. Eiji could hear each footstep down the stairs even after the door closed. Eiji looked at the envelope on the table. He did not want to open it yet even if he should. He put it away where anyone looking at the apartment would not pry and went to take a bath.

 

~

 

Early into his time in Yokohama, Ash joined a group for incoming students from abroad that helped them find jobs, get housing, and learn things about the local area to help navigate their time in Yokohama. The group was small, nosy, and assumed they were all in a similar financial and familial situation. Almost all of the students were in their twenties and already passed a few semesters of college in their home countries. Most of the students spoke English as a first language. Many of them were on their dream vacation and would go back home after a semester or two. There were many different majors in the group. Ash was almost sure he was the only person in the room who did not intend to return to his home country eventually. Today their group leader was late and most of the students at the table were yacking.

Ash stopped listening to the conversation happening around him. Some of the students saw an outdoor concert promoting a new girl pop group that did not even look like they were in their teens yet. There were so many young idols and idol groups in Japan that emphasized their cute virginal ripeness. It did not shock Ash. There were perverts and predators across the globe. He doubted there was a major entertainment culture in the world that was not a cesspool of sex and crime. When he saw posters and promotions for these idols, he saw a numbness in their eyes even if they smiled. They reminded him of so many kids he met throughout his youth who were a part of Hollywood and part of Dino’s empire.

“…Aslan…!” Mary elongated his name to get his attention. She was from Canada. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Ash asked. He knew he should have been half listening.

“Why are you here?” Jamal asked. He was from California.

Ash twirled his pen in his fingers a little. “I wanted to see my friend’s country.” He anticipated the question when he joined the group. He was surprised it took so long for someone to ask. He tended to keep to himself at the meetings and put forth a shy, quiet demeanor.

Within seconds, the students at the table bombarded him with questions. Was his friend cute? Did his friend live nearby? Was his friend single? If not, did his friend have single friends? Could they meet his friend?

“It depends on what he wants to do.” Ash certainly was not going to parade Eiji around like some sort of trading card. Some people in the group were incapable of keeping their plans to bang all of Japan to themselves. Others seemed to treat anyone from Japan like a living museum exhibit. Luckily, there were some normal people in the group too who were there for the thrill of traveling.

One of the girls who rarely spoke stared at him for a long moment and then asked, “Why did your parents name you after a lion? Sorry. I just…I’ve never known a person named Aslan before.”

He knew his mother named him and she was young. She never explained it. He was not going to tell anyone this. “My brother named me. He loves books.” It was a reasonable, believable share that no one would need proof.

Their supervisor entered the room and the group quieted. Most of the sessions were review from Ash’s Japanese course in Matsue except approached in a much more casual and quick manner. There was always the underlying assumption none of them would be in Japan after graduation if they even stayed that long at all. Ash used the group as means to access jobs and rental information easily as well as keep up the appearance of being like any other student. He looked forward to his first semester when he could learn Japanese with a proper instructor and left to more of his own devices.

 

~

 

On Eiji’s third day off, Eiji met Ibe and Max for lunch before Max would take a bus to the airport in Izumo to go back to America. Eiji did not know what to say. The conversation remained light, but he could tell by the way Max’s eyebrows drew together and the extra effort he put into his jokes that he was worried about Eiji. The concern made Eiji withdraw more. He wished he could tell Max it was all right that Ash was safe and moving on with his life. Eiji felt Ibe’s gaze on him sometimes but not harshly as he imagined it would be.

Eiji and Ibe walked Max to the bus stop. Max shouldered his bag. “Take care. Next time we see each other I hope it’s more fun.” He shook their hands and then got on the bus when it arrived.

Eiji let out a long, low breath once the bus departed.

“It’s hard lying to a friend,” Ibe said in Japanese. “I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry. I never considered something like this would happen.” Eiji put his hands in his pockets.

“Love is selfish like that.” Ibe led them away from the bus stop. Silence stretched between them. “Ei-chan, Max told me what might be in that envelope. If you haven’t looked at it, you should.”

“He told me something similar.” Eiji still could not imagine what was in it, let alone what would make Ibe look so concerned.

“Have you talked to Ash lately?”

“I will tonight.” Ash always called on Eiji’s third day off just after supper.

“You need to open that letter before he calls,” Ibe kept his voice neutral. “You need to think about what’s inside before you talk to him again.”

Eiji frowned. He knew that Ibe’s concern about the relationship came from a different place than his parents’ concern. “I will.” He bid Ibe goodbye at the next intersection.

When Eiji got home, he retrieved the letter and settled onto his futon. He slowly opened the letter as carefully as possible. There were several legal looking documents and a handwritten letter. It was Ash’s print but written with more care just like Eiji’s name on the envelope. Eiji could see places where Ashe rested the pen to the paper in thought. It looked more serious than anything Eiji saw Ash write. He bit his lip and started to read.

“Eiji,

“I don’t know when or how, but I know I won’t live much longer. I asked Max to send this to you once I’m dead or dropped contact for a year.

“Our time together will always stay with me. When I look at you and I feel peace. I want you with me always, but I can’t ask that. However I got you to go back to Japan, I’m sorry.

“I enclosed some papers I want you to have. There’s a bank account in the Cayman Islands that I made using your information. Everything you need to access it and prove you own it is in this envelope. You can use it how you want. It’s your money now.”

The stop at the end of the sentence was more a blot than a period. Ash must have rested his pen against the paper for a long time. Whatever he thought about saying, he made no indication. The final part of the letter was just Ash’s name signed at the bottom with the date. The letter was from just before the fight with Arthur.

Eiji read the letter three times to make sure he understood it. His eyes lingered on the word peace. He sighed. There was indeed banking information and some instructions for how to take control of the account properly along with a few bank statements. Ash opened the account in Eiji’s name not long after he acquired the money. Eiji looked at the amount in the account and almost dropped all the papers in his hands, but managed to keep hold of them. He knew in general, give or take, the yen was about 125% - 130% the amount of the American dollar. Some quick math and the already insane amount of money staring at him became even more insane, if that was even possible. He could buy houses with this kind of money and still have a lot left over. He would never have to worry about photography supplies ever again. Hell, with this much money, Eiji was pretty sure if he chose to he would not have to work again for life if he invested wisely.

Eiji carefully put the legal papers and letter back into the envelope. The weight of the money was heavy. He rubbed his face and then laid back on his futon so his legs stretched off the side. He had a lot to think about, maybe too much.

 

~

 

Ash sat on the cot in the doctor’s office. He found the name from a list the student group gave him. Dr. Watanabe was older and took his job very seriously. He spoke English with Ash to ensure that they were on the same page during the appointment.

Ash watched Dr. Watanabe write down notes on the appointment. “Can I get an STD panel?” he asked.

Dr. Watanabe looked up from his notepad and held Ash’s gaze a long moment.

“My fiancée,” Ash said, “she knows Americans can be kind of loose. It’d make her feel better.”

“Have you been…loose?” Dr. Watanabe asked, deciding to match lingo for lingo.

“I’ve had some other girlfriends.”

Dr. Watanabe nodded. “Alright.”

“And…” Ash tried to choose his words carefully, “can you check for HIV? There was this kid in Indiana or something who got it somehow. I don’t think I’d have it, but I want to be sure.” He kept his voice soft, but not too soft. He wanted to seem like a nice, straight boy who was over-thinking.

Dr. Watanabe turned his pen over in his fingers. “The government here is very nervous about HIV. That test I will have to run off my records. You will have to pay an extra fee. Is that alright?”

“Yes.”

“I will prepare what we need to run the tests. In a few weeks I can give you the results.”

When Ash finished the doctor’s appointment, he stopped for dinner on his way to the hostel. It was close to Yokohama’s Chinatown, which was part of several districts where mostly foreigners lived in Yokohama. Being this close to Chinatown was probably a risk, but being in this city in general was a risk, living in general was a risk.

Ash settled in to one of the payphones in the corner of the commons area in the hostel. He dialed the apartment’s number. Eiji picked up after a few rings. After greetings and a few exchanges, Ash said in Japanese, “I got a job. A school wants me to work with computers.” He had so many interviews for so many jobs. This was the only one to give him a chance. Many saw him as a risk, just another angry youth. The head of the school that hired him liked Ash’s seriousness about learning Japanese and living in Japan. Ash could read and write Japanese better than he could speak it. He used enough computers at the libraries in Matsue to get a feel for using them in Japanese. The head of the school told him depending on how his studies went, he could become the English teacher’s assistant after he proved his seriousness.

“Good.” Eiji pressed his lips into a fine line. “I got your letter.”

Ash blinked. He had not sent any letters since they had phone access. Then he remembered the bank account letter. It was barely mid-March. It was too early for it. Ash glanced out at the common room area. No one paid him any attention.

“Max gave it to me,” Eiji said in English, “in person. Here. He was…” Eiji’s voice trailed. He did not know what he was trying to convey. After a long silence, Eiji said, “I did not tell.”

“I figured.” Ash leaned against the wall.

“They think you died,” Eiji said quietly. “There was a body with your gun.”

Who would have his gun? Did someone out there do him a favor or tried to ensure that they might find and kill him before anyone else could? “Eiji…” Ash’s voice trailed. He did not want to say anything suspicious or blatant in the common room. Even if no one was paying attention to him, he wanted to be careful.

“I read the letter,” Eiji said very firmly. “I saw the papers.” Eiji wanted Ash to know that much, to understand that much even if they could not discuss it beyond that yet.

Ash could not remember his words. Eiji’s letter was the last letter he wrote in the middle of the night while Eiji slept. Sometimes he paused writing and watched Eiji sleeping, trying to come up with the right words if there were any. He never once considered that he would be alive when Eiji read it.

After a long silence, Eiji said, “I’m glad you can work at a school.”

Ash snorted softly. “Better than that restaurant I haven’t heard back from. I dispatched half a dozen chickens in no time for them.”

Eiji remembered the chickens Shorter and Ash stole and cooked years ago. He wondered if Ash had managed to put finesse into it this time. “Did you roast them over an open fire outdoors?” he teased.

“Of course,” Ash joked with a dramatic snort.

They both laughed a little and the conversation moved on to when Eiji could visit to help find an apartment and to smaller things.

 

~

 

The trip from Matsue to Yokohama was shorter than from Matsue to Tokyo but not by much. Eiji felt his heartbeat steadily increase the closer he neared the station in Yokohama he needed. When he found the meeting spot, Ash was not there. Eiji triple checked his note from their phone call. It was the right spot. It was not long before Ash appeared in the mass of commuters. Eiji grinned and Ash gave a small wave.

Their hug was tight but all too brief. They stuck close together and headed out into the cool night. They got food from a convenience store and Ash led the way to a park not far from the hostel where they could sit at a bench. Eiji’s shoulders relaxed and Ash leaned back to look up at the sky. No one else was at the park now that it was dark. They stole a kiss in the shadows and then settled into supper.

“Next time,” Ash said in Japanese, “we will have an apartment.”

“I hope so.” Eiji did not want to make the trip too many times. His knee ached. His mind could not focus on anything for too long. He looked up at the buildings towering around them. There was so much they needed to talk about, but it was nice to just exist.

When they finished eating, Ash said, “I go to work tomorrow. It ends at one.” They had some final things to do at the high school before it would start on Monday.

“We can look at the list after.” Eiji put his sandwich wrapper in the bag and ran through possible ways to say what he wanted to say. They were still alone. Once they went to the hostel, they would not be able to talk freely. “What are we going to do with that money?” he asked in English. It felt like they were still operating like that account did not exist.

“It’s not for me to decide.” Ash put his trash in the bag. “It’s not my money.”

“You created the account.”

“In your name.”

“It was your money in New York.”

“This money was always going to be yours.”

“There’s so much of it. You should use it too.”

“I can’t touch it.”

“But –”

“If I touch it, people are going to notice. If you give some of that money to me or it looks like two people are using the account, it won’t take them long to figure out they’ve got the wrong body. Besides, I gave it to you because you deserve it.” Ash stood up and picked up their bag of trash.

Eiji stared at him a long moment. What had he done to deserve that much money? If Max had some and Ibe knew about it, certainly Nadia had some too and maybe others. There was no way everyone had an equal portion, not with the ridiculous amount in Eiji’s account. “I am not,” Eiji searched for a word, not completely sure how to express it in English, “not grateful. It’s surprising. It’s a lot. It,” a small pause, “intimidates me.”

Neither of them spoke. Eiji’s mind still kept turning as it did every time he thought about the account. Ash gave him all of that thinking he would be dead by now. Eiji stood up and put his hands in his pockets. “Ash…” his voice trailed and then he asked, “why did you get on the plane?”

Ash did not look away. Why ask that now? He took a deep breath. “I don’t know. I was at the library and I just…” How could he put it? Were there words for it? “I just had to. I wanted to. When I saw you on the plane,” he paused, still able to remember Eiji’s face, how Eiji was staring out the window without really looking out the window, “I knew I wouldn’t get off the plane.”

The breeze blew through them, the night becoming colder the longer they were outside. Eiji did not look away as he shouldered his bag. “We need to go somewhere warm.”

Ash grabbed his bag. They walked side by side as close as they could. Their fingers brushed sometimes as they walked.

 

~

 

While Ash was at work, Eiji wandered through the university campus. The buildings were bright in the sun and the paths lined with trees. There were other people milling about in lieu of school starting soon. Eiji stared up at the texture of the brick on the library. His eye followed the structure up to the roof. He could go back to university, maybe under a different major. Maybe if he focused on something else he could rediscover his inspiration for photography. He needed a purpose to it. He needed to expand his portfolio beyond New York. There was no fear for his life in Japan, no threat to his own survival. There was no grotesque. Eiji placed his fingers together to make a box and brought the library into view, adjusting the angle of his fingers in relation to the top corner of the structure, exploring how to highlight the texture. Eiji lowered his hands and let out a long sigh. He could not force it.

Matsue after his accident was like this. Wandering with a lack of focus and direction, the world cardboard and cotton, and he had nothing of value to say. Eiji put his hands in his pockets and continued walking the campus paths. He was better and more productive now than after his accident even if he was more productive in New York. He had no choice but to move forward. He could not let Ash down. Both of them were healing and Ash’s wounds were so much deeper and older than Eiji’s were.

Eiji’s feet led him to an open-air amphitheater. He sat and started going through the job ads and other information he collected that morning. The jobs he could try for were across the city. He probably did not have to look for anything. He sat on more money than anyone should have. He also could start working for the magazine at some point. Eiji doodled in the margins of the ads. He still had time to think about it. When it was Ash’s money in New York, it was easy to forget how much was there. If it were still Ash’s money then Eiji would find some job because when not under some kind of gang-run protection, he was no mooch. Eiji looked at his watch. He had enough time for lunch and then he would meet Ash.

 

~

 

Each apartment was very similar to the next. To avoid the need for a guarantor, they looked at apartment complexes that catered to foreigners. The apartments were all studios with a long, large room that led out to a terrace. There was always a small kitchen and at least one closet and a bathroom that combined the toilet and bathing area. Occasionally there would be a washing machine and vanity next to the bathroom. Most of the apartments were in the same general district and many were of the same age. Their agent spoke mostly to Eiji, as Ash suspected would happen.

By the end of the day and the end of their list, Ash and Eiji walked along Tokyo Bay. The sun set behind the city, but the colors stretched out across the sky and the water. The breeze was cold but it was the best place to talk without eavesdropping. Ash suddenly stopped walking and Eiji stopped beside him. Ash looked out at the bay, the sunset giving his hair an almost orange cast. Eiji could see the jumble of thoughts passing through Ash’s eyes.

Ash frowned and then sighed. “Before we decide anything I have to tell you something,” Ash said in English quiet enough so only Eiji could hear, though there was no one nearby to overhear.

Eiji straightened a little at the serious tone. It was properly serious, not the tone Ash used when he wanted to seem serious. “What is it?”

Ash took a deep breath. “I went and got tested for stuff. I got the results back.”

Neither spoke as a group of kids passed by. Eiji was not sure which stuff Ash could mean. He had an inkling. Once they were clear of potential eavesdroppers, Eiji asked, “Is it bad?”

“It’s not HIV,” Ash said. “I just have to take some antibiotics. The doctor said I shouldn’t have sex until chlamydia clears up and you should get tested for it and hepatitis B.” Ash had been lucky his body had cleared that infection on its own.

Eiji processed the information. He knew both were STDs since he heard about them while in America. He was not sure what their Japanese names were, so he could not put the names to symptoms yet. He was more sure of what hepatitis B could be since it had B with it than he was sure what chlamydia was. He saw them written enough that he thought he could remember how to spell them to look them up later. Eiji put his hands in his pockets. People passed by them again. The sky grew darker.

“Sorry,” Ash said once they were alone again.

“I knew it’s possible for a long time.” Eiji did not know what else he could say. He did not think about it a lot but it had crossed his mind periodically. Even if they never had sex with each other, they had bleeding wounds at the same time enough times for anything to happen.

Ash did not know how to respond. They walked down the walkway quietly. There was so much to do and less than twenty-four hours to do it.

In the morning, they made their choice. The apartment they chose was located within walking distance of the high school and within a bus ride from the university. It faced north looking out at other apartments across the street. There was an entryway, a closet, one bathroom, a small kitchen with a tiny oven that had just one burner, and then a large main room with an additional closet and balcony access. There was a laundry downstairs and a train station nearby. They were near the bay and near an art gallery.

By afternoon, their agent left after helping them declare any pre-existing problems and damages. Ash and Eiji were finally alone in their own place, and Eiji would have to leave soon.

Ash stood near the closet in the main room and watched Eiji study the buildings out the window. Ash was completely capable of living by himself but it still felt like a letdown that Eiji would be gone again so soon. The shadows made Eiji’s hair look even darker. Eiji’s fingers hovered near the glass but he did not touch it. His eyes followed the flow of the buildings to the horizon. Ash’s stomach twisted and his chest ached. Desire gnawed at Ash. It always appeared at the stupidest, most unpredictable moments. It was different from what he thought desire felt like when he was younger.

Ash sighed and ran his hands through his hair, getting it out of his eyes. He looked up at the celling. He had three months from starting the antibiotics to the follow up test for chlamydia before he might clear the bacteria. He did not want to regret what he did with Eiji.

When he felt centered, Ash walked over to Eiji and looked out the window. There were no threats or anything suspicious. Most apartments across the street looked empty or the people they could see seemed to do normal things.

“I want to stay,” Eiji admitted in Japanese, “but if I don’t leave soon, I will get back too late.” He had work in the morning. If he waited too long, the next available train would be in the morning. His fingertips slid against Ash’s palm. He led them to the kitchen where they were well out of sight. Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash and pulled him close. Ash’s grip was just as tight. Eiji closed his eyes and kissed Ash once before pulling away. If he stayed any longer, it would be too hard to leave.

They walked to the train station. The sun was warm. The sky was clear. It would only be a few more weeks and they would be together again.

 

**To be continued…**


	7. Part Four: Yokohama, Chapter Seven: All Your Names Have Their Own Faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Seven, in which moving to Yokohama means a lot of changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Seven, in which moving to Yokohama means a lot of changes  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji; Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 9,208  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** suicidal thoughts, STDs, mention of child sexual abuse, language, sex  
>  **Chapter Notes** I chose not to get graphic with the descriptions of sex but I wanted to explore at least the lead up to a positive sexual experience and the lead up to one that got interrupted. I felt like given canon content this is something that the fic should address.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Four: Yokohama  
Chapter Seven: All Your Names Have Their Own Faces**

“Aslan,” the voice was gentle and firm, warm and familiar. “Aslan, get up. It’s time for school.” Ash almost felt a hand rest on his head.

Ash rolled over and slowly became aware of the floor underneath his body and the folded towel under his head. Griff’s voice said his name but it faded away too quickly as Ash opened his eyes. He was alone in a dark apartment. Traffic passed by, muffled through the window. Ash sat up and rubbed his face. He had half a mind to flop right back down and go back to sleep, but his alarm would go off soon. He ran a hand through his hair where he thought a hand had been. His chest felt warm but also heavy. It was his first day of school in years.

Normal was mundane. Even though it was the first day of school nothing out of the ordinary happened. Each class had teachers willing to teach and Ash was willing to learn. Some classmates were more studious than others were, some more talkative. After his last class, Ash walked to work using a route he developed trying to figure out the best way to get between both places. He passed through campus and crossed over a few highways. After a while, he passed through narrow streets in residential areas. When he arrived at the school gates, classes were still in session.

Once he arrived, jobs began appearing. One of the computers in the teachers’ office would not turn on (it was not plugged in properly), there was a printer problem that turned out to be a jam, and a projector in the bio lab needed a new light. Ash felt eyes on him as he worked and heard giggles and whispers. Students and staff thought he was cute and very American. Some wondered if he had a girlfriend, some thought there was no way he was not married. When Ash did not have to deal with requests, he helped Ōhara, the lead maintenance worker. Ōhara was near Dino’s age and smelled of cigarettes. Maintenance was in charge of mechanical things, plumbing, and upkeep. Ōhara trained him in the skills Ash did not have.

Classes ended and students took to clubs or their turn at cleaning since there were no janitors at the school. The faster news spread of the young American tech guy, the more small jobs came his way. By the time most students and staff left, Ash felt like an exhibit or curiosity. His final task was to check the roof and then lock it up before leaving. The school had an incident on the roof last year no one elaborated on that they wanted to prevent happening again.

The sky was a uniform light gray and rain was on the air. It was quiet on the roof. Ash lingered a moment longer. There was no one on there and no one could sneak up from behind without the access door making noise. There was nothing to plot or plan. Ash had no gun or knife on him and he needed neither. He could just exist. It was so normal, so unnatural.

Sprinkles began to fall. Ash closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He left the roof, locked the access door, and went to turn in the keys before leaving. Work was a boring but freeing welcomed distraction. He had errands to run and studying to do. In a few weeks, Eiji would arrive and it would seem more natural. Ash maybe could live like this.

 

~

 

When Eiji hit Itami, he knew he was certifiably insane. Renting the car was expensive but doable. Filling the car was easy especially since Hatsuko came to help and see him off before they likely would not see each other for a long time. Turning in the keys and thanking Sugihara for his generosity and patience was easy, but the driving was another thing. It sounded nice and logical to put their things in a car and drive from Matsue to Yokohama, however, Eiji had completely spaced Golden Week entirely. How? Tunnel vision maybe. Wanting to reunite with Ash maybe. New York taking two years to suck out any memory of waiting for family vacations and lamenting all his favorite manga being on break for most his youth maybe. Not every day during Golden Week was a national holiday, but enough people took time off work and some businesses closed completely that Eiji felt like he was on the road with most of the populace. The extra traffic only added to the already long trip.

Much of the view was sound barriers. Sometimes the barriers would open up and expose hills and mountains. Sometimes Eiji disappeared down long tunnels through the mountains. He was glad he had his glasses. Near lunchtime, Eiji set off across a bridge where Ise Bay became several rivers. He pulled off at one of the peninsulas and headed to a park. When Hatsuko came that morning, she brought him a lunch to take with him on the trip. He could tell which parts his mother made and which parts Hatsuko made, all of it equally delicious. It reminded him of the lunches they made for him when it was competition season. The bay stretched out with a lighthouse not far away. The sky was overcast, calling attention to a bridge in the distance rising up like a series of white A’s against the dark clouds.

Eiji finished his lunch and went back to the car. He found his camera and walked towards the bridge that stood out against the sky. Like in New York, he had to commit to his angles quickly and trust his judgement. He could not stay too long and make the trip harder. He snapped two shots and then hurried to take photos of the lighthouse and the bay, zooming in until he had the shots he wanted. The contrast of the structures against the sky called to him. He took two snaps per shot. Eiji breathed deeply and closed his eyes, letting his shoulders relax and the cool breeze whip around him until he knew he could not dawdle any longer.

The rest of the drive to Yokohama was more hills, tunnels, and sound barriers. When Eiji reached the city, the sun was almost starting to set and the traffic became heavier. When he reached the designated moving area for the apartment complex, he parked, shut the engine off, and rested his head on the steering wheel, careful of the horn. “Never again,” he murmured in Japanese. “Never again.” He rolled himself out of the car and took a moment to stretch. His knee was definitely sore and cracked involuntarily. His ribs ached dully. He let his neck, shoulders, spine, arms, and legs all release tension slowly. He took a few deep breaths. When he was ready, Eiji grabbed one of the boxes and headed up to the apartment.

On the second trip, he ran into Ash in the hallway. They had no privacy for much of a reunion. Neighbors were in the hall returning from work. There was someone in the elevator on the way down and the way back up. Once they set the things in their arms down on the floor, Eiji grasped Ash’s hand. Ash’s grip was tight and his hand was warm and rough. Eiji pulled him into a hug. They kissed once. They had to keep unpacking.

Once the car was unpacked and returned to the rental company, it was dark. Eiji walked slowly beside Ash back to the apartment. He woke up almost sixteen hours and his entire body ached. Cars seemed to blur. Every time they crossed the street, Eiji followed Ash’s lead. He did not know if he was more hungry or more tired. He was very sure he could sleep anywhere maybe even standing up if he did not focus on putting one foot in front of the other. When they returned to the apartment, Eiji slowly removed his shoes. He followed Ash into the main room. Ash nudged him. “Sit.”

Eiji flopped down on the floor where there was a clear space so he could lean against the wall. He stretched his legs out and looked out the window. There were people moving in the apartment building across the way. He adjusted his legs until there was less pressure on his knee. He barely registered Ash rummaging through boxes or working in the kitchen but accepted the bowl and spoon pressed into his hands when Ash joined him. Eiji forced himself to stay awake. He had just enough energy to set up what they needed for the night. Once he laid down, he would not get back up again until morning.

The boxes were by the closet and left the area near the window open for futons. Ash sat on the floor across from Eiji with his back against a box. He watched Eiji zoning in and out nearby. Was this how Eiji felt when he had to drag Ash out of bed in the mornings back in New York? It was easier to wake up now than it was back then. He could still remember vaguely realizing Eiji was at the bed, the inevitable attempt to wake him, and then the extreme measures like wrapping Ash up in the blankets and dragging him across the floor before Eiji would haul him into the tub. Why did he always sleep so stubbornly back then? Maybe it was that final growth spurt. His eyes followed the curve of Eiji’s biceps. Could Eiji still lift him if he had the energy for it?

“Like it?” Eiji asked and flexed one of his arms.

Ash tried to keep a straight face, but smiled a little. “No.”

Eiji snorted and stood up to stretch. If he stayed down any longer, he would fall asleep. He took his bowl and spoon to the kitchen, his fingers running through Ash’s hair on his way past. When he moved into his apartment in college, it was an easy move and left him with enough energy to explore Matsue that night. When he spent the first night at the gang’s hideout in New York, he could not sleep from worrying Ash might not return. When they moved to the luxury apartment, the furniture arrived before they did, so there was no work to it and no exhaustion. They did not have blankets let alone futons that first night in the apartment above the camera shop in Matsue. At least they did not have to sleep on the floor tonight. Even with the exhaustion, Eiji was glad that they were still together and had come so far. He hoped it meant more positive things were in their future.

 

~

 

Whispers followed Ash everywhere at the high school. Girls peeked and giggled at him as they walked past. Some of the boys would glance at him and quickly avert their gaze lest anyone realize they stared too long. Sometimes the teachers even giggled to each other. It was not anything Ash never heard or saw before, but it was new to hear it in Japanese.

The weather grew warmer and wetter. By the time first term exams happened at the university, the high school geared up for its cultural festival. Ash had an exam in the morning and then he would pull extra hours at the high school that night. The cultural festival took over the entire school grounds and buildings. Every club had something happening whether it was an organized activity, a booth, or an entire room exploding in craft supplies. Everything was student led and driven. They even cleaned up after themselves at the end of the festival. Ash could not imagine any American high school handling such an event without a major prank or major mess.

Ash did not know what teenagers in gangs dealt with in Japan, but it was easy to tell which students were involved with gangs. Some added embellishment to their uniforms or did their hair in unconventional styles. Some chose to blend in and participated in clubs as though they did not deal drugs after hours. Ash could tell each gang member punk from each punk who did it for the aesthetic. Those that conformed were harder to identify. Sometimes gang members would disappear from campus only to reappear with bandages or injuries that were just healing. He heard whispers of drug deals, gang fights, and drag races. He pretended he heard nothing and saw nothing. The only people capable of dragging these kids out of the holes they dug were themselves.

Ash did not know what teen gangs in Japan were like. He did not know if they were yakuza offshoots or students dissatisfied with the sea of conformity. There seemed to be fewer gang members at the high school than there might be in a high school of comparable size in a big American city, but high school was not compulsory in Japan. Watching these students kept reminding him of his own gang. Even though he did not instruct anyone about criminal pursuits, he still felt like he had power over a group of teenagers who would likely do as he asked without question. If he wanted, could he inspire these delinquents to be like the ones he left behind? He empowered teenagers to murder in New York. He contributed to the bloodiest decade in New York history. The same numb emptiness he felt in New York ghosted across his body only to turn into a sick sourness in his stomach. He had no desire to inspired teenagers to do those things anymore. He walked through the school building and ignored the stragglers who passed him along the way.

When Ash made it to the roof, it was already dark. His shoulders were heavy and his feet tired. The breeze was strangely cool and the only sounds were the last of the students and teachers leaving. He stepped towards the edge of the roof. There were no barriers around the edge. There was nothing between him and the pavement below either. The ground seemed to rush towards him while pulling him, welcoming him. The part of him that stared too intently at the rivers stirred. It would be so easy…. Ash blinked and stepped back, retreating to the stairwell. There was no reason to feel this way, no desire to feel this way. It was just habit. His hand trembled slightly. He locked the roof access and headed home.

 

~

 

There was no point to money if they did not use it, but Eiji tried to use it without attracting attention. They had a large rug in the main room and a television on top of a small stand in the corner. Eiji lay on the rug reading. The rain hit the window gently in a steady drizzle. He heard the apartment door open, but there was no greeting. Eiji glanced towards the door.

Ash kicked his shoes off and set his umbrella near the door. He did not look at Eiji, but crossed through the hall and to the rug, stretching out beside him. His shoulders tensed and his jaw clenched.

Eiji set the book aside and rolled onto his side. He lifted his arm. “Welcome home,” he said in Japanese.

Ash rolled towards him and buried his face in Eiji’s chest. He could hear Eiji’s heart against his ear. The rain pelted the windows and thunder rumbled in the distance. On the second rumble, Ash slowly let go and rolled onto his back.

The lamplight on Ash’s hair drew Eiji’s eyes. He sat up so he could see Ash’s face easily. “Long day?”

“Yeah,” Ash’s voice was very quiet. His eyes followed the curve of Eiji’s collarbone.

Eiji followed the light and shadow from Ash’s eyes to his mouth to his neck. It would be so easy to just lean down and start something. Eiji looked away. They still had to wait for Ash to take the chlamydia retest. Eiji’s own STD panel came back positive for hepatitis B. Like Ash, he had antibodies in his system from fighting off the infection at some point in the past but no longer had an active infection. Either of them could have given it to the other or both gotten it from other places. Eiji was lucky. They both were.

Ash’s finger slowly slid along the top of Eiji’s hand. It would be so easy to pull Eiji down, to invite him. It would be so easy to nip at Eiji’s neck and give in to every impulse on Ash’s mind. Ash sat up and took a silent breath. They could not get carried away or Eiji would have to take the chlamydia treatment as a precaution. Ash’s shoulders relaxed. He let his legs stretch out in front of him. A television from another apartment played quietly.

“I think about that morning a lot,” Eiji said in English. He licked his lips. Every time he thought about it, he felt something warm and intense in the pit of his stomach. Eiji’s gaze turned to Ash. “What do you think about it?”

Ash changed positions so he sat with his legs crossed under each other. “I was surprised. I never…” all the ways to finish the sentence collided in his mind, “felt like that before.” He looked at the wall so he did not have to see Eiji’s expression.

Eiji continued to watch Ash’s profile. After a long moment, he asked, “Do I scare you?”

Ash glanced at Eiji. Without hesitation, he said, “No.” He breathed in deeply. “I scare myself.” Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. “I want to touch you and I want to be touched. I want to be aware of all of it,” he said very quietly. Genuine attraction was so much more powerful than a coerced or strategic arousal. It was overwhelming. The feeling in his stomach threatened to rip through him in all its monstrous glory. He thought he welcomed it, but he did not want to drown in it.

Eiji grew quiet, contemplative. “I want sex to be fun,” a pause, “for both of us. I want you to be you. That moment was real and I want sex to be real too.”

Ash held Eiji’s gaze. Ash resisted the urge to say, “I’m always myself.” It was not true. He knew what Eiji meant. He did not know if he could control the need to preform, the habit of abandoning some of his autonomy, but it might not be impossible. Each greedy kiss he accepted and took before leaving Matsue, the way his fingers slid along Eiji’s skin, the desire for Eiji to touch him more and more, all of this suggested he could abandon his grooming. When he said goodbye to Eiji in Matsue, he did not think about the posture of his body or the tone of his voice and he did not have to. There was no need for performance. There was no need for scripted seduction. It was alarming. “I can’t promise what will happen. I might pull back again.”

“Maybe we try many times.” Eiji was not sure how much starting and stopping his body could take, but he would not enjoy it if it made either of them uncomfortable either. He did not expect perfection and he did not want to have sex if one or both of them did not enjoy it.

Ash did not know what to say. It would be Eiji’s first time. It would be the first time Ash really wanted it. He could not predict how it might play out when they got there.

“I do not want to,” Eiji thought about the right word, “set a date, but I want to prepare.”

“Scheduling is for people who can’t get it up.” Ash smirked slightly. “I can get some stuff.”

“I will too.” Eiji was not sure where they would keep such things for easy access but not so easy company might find them.

The storm moved further away and the rain tapered. Maybe it would happen in weeks, maybe in months. There was not that much to get and prepare, but getting two boxes of condoms and whatever else was a good step.

 

~

 

Summer arrived and the high school went on vacation. Second term exams would be soon and then the university would be on vacation as well. Ash’s chlamydia retest came back clean. There was nothing preventing him and Eiji from doing what they wanted but timing and mood now.

Ash stood before the bathroom mirror naked, taking stock of himself for the first time in a long time. He turned so he could see the last gunshot wound he received. He could easily feel the jagged, puffy edges of the scar with his finger. He looked at the other scars across his body, some he could not or willfully did not remember their origin. He ran his fingers along the fine blond hair along his arms, legs, and chest. He had not shaved his body since Eiji and the others rescued him from Dino. He had gained back the weight he lost since going into the asylum, but he was still tall and thin and had a decent muscle tone, albeit softened by studying.

The first time Eiji saw him naked he was waxed, more toned, and had better scar management so his skin was smooth to the touch. With the exception of his wounds at the time, he was the peak of what Dino expected his body to be. When Eiji brought him the shampoo and soap, Eiji was polite about it. Ash was not sure what he expected. What was Eiji’s impression of him then? Not that a naked person surround by bloody bathwater would be sexy to most people.

Ash stepped back and looked at as much of himself at once as he could. He had been naked in front of mirrors many times, but looked at his body as if he was assessing another person. He tried to see his body as himself this time. Eiji wanted him as himself, but was this really him? Was he satisfied with this body? Would Eiji be satisfied with this body?

Eiji had so much trust in him. He gave Ash his heart, his soul, and wanted to give Ash his body. Eiji wanted sex to be fun for both of them and actually meant it. Ash was almost surprised he could believe such a thing. Eiji’s affection was always open and warm. If Ash refused affection, Eiji did not push him into it. He was not used to having that kind of power during sex. If he wanted to stop it, violence was the only way and even then, it was no guarantee. Could sex be fun for both of them? Maybe.

Ash turned around and looked at his reflection over his shoulder. Did he really deserve this respect? What if Eiji was wrong? What if the posturing and weaponizing was just who Ash was when it came to sex? What if that really was himself? Ash looked away from the mirror. Despite the questions poking at him, his intuition was at ease and his stomach calm. He could believe it might just work out when it happened.

 

~

 

It took Eiji a long time to finish his roll of film. He challenged himself to go places and take more photos but some days were more productive than others were. His article would debut in a few weeks and once the readers reacted, he would know what his next step would be. For now, he wanted to build his portfolio and keep it current. The roll of film started at the lighthouse in Shimane and ended with some shots of Tokyo Bay not far from their apartment. He booked time at a public darkroom so he could have control over his prints. The majority of pictures were personal, most of them Eiji took of Ash and quite a few Ash took of Eiji. There were some photos scattered throughout they took together with a timer along with photos that were more artistic and professional like the bridge near Ise Bay. For now, Eiji printed the roll to average photo size and organized his negatives into his binder. Once he finished with all his tasks, he made sure the darkroom was ready for the next user and left.

On the way back to the apartment, Eiji’s mind kept returning to the conversations he had with Ash about sex over the last few weeks. They both bought their own box of condoms in their respective sizes and put them in the back corner of the closet in the main room. Now that they knew Ash was no longer infected, it was probably only a matter of time now before things went that far.

Eiji felt the sun on his face and closed his eyes briefly. He was almost twenty-three and had not had sex yet. How normal was that for people his age in Japan? Who knew? It was definitely not normal by American standards. The news and TV shows all made it sound like no one made it out of high school a virgin. Eiji sighed. Maybe trying to capture some spontaneous moment was naïve. Maybe his struggle with creativity was also a struggle with sexuality. Maybe there was just too much pressure to find the right moment. Maybe there was no such thing as a right moment. Maybe he just had to be patient.

Maybe Ash was straight and there would never be a right moment. Ash said he only ever had a girlfriend and asserted multiple times in New York he was straight. Did people know they were straight like Eiji knew he was gay? Did they just realize they only ever were attracted to one gender and accepted it? If Ash was straight and had gone through all he went through would that give him the opportunity to realize that? What if Ash realized he was straight after they had sex? What if Eiji was boring sexually? What if? What if? What if?

Eiji shook his head to clear it and entered the apartment building. Everything was so much easier in the moment when questions and doubts could fade away. Eiji rubbed his face. Maybe his expectations were unreasonable. Maybe he was too caught up in his own desires and ideals. What if Ash slipped into that hypersexualized creation, that person who could objectify the body but seemed absent in the eyes? What if Eiji was the one who realized it was all a mistake? What if none of Eiji’s worries happened? Ash’s hands were not hesitant when they were under his shirt. There did not seem to be obligation when they kissed. Eiji’s stomach tightened in desire when things grew intense. Maybe he needed to stop worrying before he created a self-fulfilling screw up later.

Eiji entered the elevator. The walls were shiny enough that he could see his reflection. He pulled his hair back from his face. He was too tired to cut it and the longer it grew, the more flattering it looked. Eiji’s gaze traveled along his body. He kept active and could do a decent number of sit-ups and pushups as well as jog distances, but he was squishier than he used to be. His t-shirt fit his shoulders but sagged around his waist. His jeans were worn and holey. Was he appealing? The elevator door opened and he headed to the apartment. He set the collection of photos at Ash’s place at the table and stepped out onto the balcony. There was a breeze and traffic was already increasing. His eyes scanned for threat but three was none. There had been no threats for so long now. Maybe someday he would stop checking.

 

~

 

Ash and Eiji went to the beach the weekend in-between their birthdays. They were bolder with each other in private, but sex was still elusive. Maybe there was no right moment. Maybe their right moments conflicted. Maybe they just had to explore more. Ash did not know what made leaving Matsue that morning months ago so different or how to recapture that overwhelming desire.

Ash stopped at a magazine stall on his way out of the station. He always scanned the cover of the magazine Eiji’s article would appear in for the issue. The new issue had three cows standing at a bend in a highway in California on it and proclaimed it was a special about traveling America. Ash flipped through the magazine. Ash stopped when he saw a photo of the gang at Halloween, marking the start of Eiji’s article. The most trusted members of his gang sat with Eiji on a sofa, all of them in costume with paper masks over their faces. A cold numbness started at the top of Ash’s skull and passed through his shoulders, pooling deep into the pit of his stomach before moving through his fingers, and on to his toes. He could not look away. He could not move.

“It is ¥150 please,” the stall runner said in English.

Ash blinked and the numbness slowly lifted. He shut the magazine and paid the fee. He did not know if Eiji had already bought a copy but he knew Eiji wanted one to put in his portfolio.

His mind kept returning to the gang. He met Alex first and the rest followed as Ash built up a reputation. So many members had died, left, or disappeared by the time he came into possession of banana fish. The cops always talked like Ash managed to unite all the teens in Manhattan against them but he just took in the useful strays and those who might fall too easily into Dino’s grasp. He supplied them with food, shelter, and purpose. His most trusted members were people he knew since he embraced that life. None of them let him down no matter what he needed them to do.

Ash passed groups of teenagers dressed like the goth rock groups they idolized. Yokohama was hotter, wetter, and more humid than New York at this time of year, but these teens were committed to their aesthetics. He rested his hand on his waistband where his gun would be. It was not there and the teens were not a threat. His hand fell to his side.

It was so hot and humid tonight that it felt like breathing through cotton. In New York, Ash used to spend the hot nights outside and slept all day with the blinds drawn. There was so much to do on a night like this even when the heat was stifling. Ash stopped out of the way of pedestrians when he saw the apartment complex up ahead. He could see their window. Eiji was not home. That meant Ash would probably start supper and once Eiji was home, they would talk and watch the news. They might tease each other and goof around, but eventually they would roll out their futons and sleep. Like any other night. Like any other couple. Like the streets did not call. Like the heat did not beckon. Like the energy of the night did not matter.

Footsteps approached quietly from behind, but Ash did not look back. “What the fuck are we doing, Eiji?” Ash asked in English. “Why are we here?”

Eiji stopped beside Ash. He followed Ash’s gaze to their complex. The grocery bag in his hand occasionally rustled. He licked his lips. “I do not know.”

Ash expected a more definite answer. He met Eiji’s gaze for a long moment before Eiji looked up at the sky. Ash looked up but all he could see was darkness. The humidity tried to press them to the pavement. The wind off the bay stubbornly refused to permeate the city. Ash grasped Eiji’s fingers on his free hand fleetingly, letting go as soon as their fingers caught each other.

It was so warm that sleeping would be hard. Eiji wanted to take Ash’s hand and run through the streets. He wanted to swim naked in the sea and lay on the beach while the moon set. They could do so many things with a night like this. Eiji’s fingers hooked Ash’s fingers, letting Ash slip from his grip as quickly as their fingers locked. “I can show you.” When Ash looked at him, Eiji grinned as he always did with such flirtation. “If you want, I show you why we are here.”

Ash recognized the grin. He ran his tongue along his teeth and smirked. “Alright. Show me.” He let his arms relax at his sides.

Of course. Right here right now. Eiji’s eyes narrowed as Ash’s smirk grew. People shuffled past but no one looked at them. Everything Eiji could do in public outside a store closed for the night filtered through his mind. He did not want to draw attention but he wanted his meaning clear. Eiji moved closer and ran a finger down the left side of Ash’s neck, following the curve towards Ash’s scalene muscle. He kept his touch feather light.

Ash felt it acutely in the pit of his stomach.

“I finish what I start.” Eiji’s grin returned. He started for the apartment.

Ash ran his hands through his hair and watched Eiji saunter before following.

There seemed to be people everywhere –the lobby, the elevator, the hallway. No one paid any attention to them, but they kept a distance between each other. Eiji fumbled with the keys, but they were soon inside their apartment. Eiji put what groceries needed to in the fridge away. Ash cast the magazine onto the kitchen counter. They both cleaned up a little before moving to the main room. Ash pulled the curtains securely together. Eiji turned on the lamp to the lowest setting and placed his glasses on the table.

Ash turned to Eiji and the smirk returned. Eiji ran his tongue along his teeth. They met in the center of the rug.

“Now, I will show you,” Eiji said with a small smile. He pulled Ash’s shirt off him and Ash pulled Eiji’s shirt off next. Eiji led, his palms and fingers sliding up Ash’s chest, feeling as much skin as he could. Each kiss was different from the next, each longer and more intense than the last. Ash pulled Eiji closer, his own hands just as greedy, relishing each squirm from Eiji. A misstep here, a sagging jeans leg there, and they crashed to the rug with a terrific thud. Eiji’s chin smacked Ash in the chest. Ash managed to pull his hands out of Eiji’s back pockets before they hit the ground.

Traffic continued to speed by the complex. A dog barked in the distance. More than one neighbor had a television on, muffled through the walls and floor. Eiji rested his head against Ash’s chest. His chin hurt a little.

“You okay?” Ash asked.

“Yeah. Are you?” Eiji raised his body up just enough to look at Ash.

“Yeah.” Ash sat up slowly as Eiji moved to accommodate. Ash pulled his jeans off and cast them towards the closet.

Eiji laughed, letting out a small noise when Ash nipped at his neck. Eiji bit his lip. It grew increasingly difficult to keep quiet. Each grab grew tighter, each touch larger, greedier, marks spread across their bodies. Each assent moved them farther, moved them faster. Every muffled moan, every stifled groan beat out a rhythm to tease, touch, coax, and urge until Eiji buried Ash’s name into Ash’s shoulder and after a little more, Ash groaned quietly.

Eiji let go of Ash and stretched out on the rug. The apartment seemed hotter. The noises around them seemed quieter. Eiji closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He could feel every touch, every mark, every twist, every caress. He wanted to remember it.

Ash’s body relaxed completely. He closed his eyes for a long moment and then removed his condom, tied it off and tossed it across the room and into the trash. He exhaled through his nose and watched Eiji’s chest rising and falling gently in the dim light.

Eiji sat up so he was still beside Ash but faced him. He traced Ash’s collarbone with a finger. Ash sat up and leaned in to say something in Eiji’s ear just as both of their stomachs rumbled loudly. They burst into muffled laughter.

“I’m too hungry,” Eiji admitted in Japanese. He stood and stretched, watching how Ash never did look away. “I have no nutritional value.” Eiji offered Ash a hand up from the floor.

“Lies.” Ash grasped Eiji’s hand tightly, tempted to pull him back down, but that was a move he could save for another time. He got up from the floor.

Neither of them let go. One kiss became two kisses. Eiji tilted his head and shivered when Ash kissed up to his jaw. Eiji squeezed Ash’s ass and then let go. “Absolutely useless.” Eiji pushed on Ash’s shoulder gently. “We’re absolutely useless.” He stole a final kiss and went to find his clothes.

Ash snorted. He watched Eiji for a long moment with a small smile.

 

~

 

From then on, it was a game to see how they responded to each other. Eiji started things on seeming whims. Sometimes the light fell on Ash just right or something about how Ash’s position in the room drew the eye. After a while, Eiji realized if he wore one of his croptops, Ash would inevitably start something especially if was a hot day. Other times all it took was just an exceptionally quiet, boring day with both of them just too close to each other. No matter how it started, it was hard to keep things quiet and no way to predict how it might end. For every incident that ended in getting each other off, there was an incident that was interrupted, stayed a really intense make out session, or fell apart for whatever reason.

It was almost time for classes at the university to resume. The afternoon was warm and the amount of light changed in the room as clouds passed across the sun. The curtains were drawn, shirts were already off, and Ash’s mouth left marks lazily along Eiji’s chest. Music began to beat from the apartment below, driving, thrusting. The couple downstairs was about their age.

With each familiar pulse, with the unmistakable chorus, the lazy, casual vibe became more suave. Ash leaned back on his knees and put his hands behind his head, deliberately stretching his torso so it looked long, lean, and inviting. His facial features relaxed, making him seem younger. He leaned down and tugged at Eiji’s ear, whispering, “I’m yours,” before biting.

“Wait,” Eiji said in Japanese. Eiji’s hands moved to Ash’s shoulders and he pushed firmly on them. “Wait,” he repeated in English.

Ash sat back on his heels.

Eiji slid out from under him and sat with his legs folded. “It does not work.”

Ash frowned. The music continued with another muffled sexy blast from the past. “What does that mean?”

Every way Eiji could put it, whether in Japanese or English sounded accusatory. His jeans were too tight to figure it out, but he could not avoid the question either. He willed his brain into English mode. “It changed. It is wrong sexy.”

Ash noted Eiji’s flushed face and firm nipples. Eiji was aroused but that did not tell him anything about how Eiji really felt about whatever just happened. “What’s wrong with it?”

Eiji exhaled through his nose, trying to will himself calm. He tried to avoid shifting positions. The music downstairs continued along with the occasional giggle. “I do not want it like this. I feel like I….” Eiji paused and tried a different phrasing, “I do not want to,” the phrase in English eluded him so he finished in Japanese, “to take advantage of you.”

Ash did not recognize the Japanese. He looked down at his body. It looked like it always had every other time.

“It is not you,” Eiji said gently in English. “It is that person.”

“I am me!” Ash motioned both hands down the length of his torso. “This is all me.”

The more Eiji watched Ash with his abs flexed and youthful expression, the looser his jeans felt. He rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair, his fingers catching in a tangle at the end. How many people saw Ash like this? Wanted Ash like this? How many people wanted the coy gaze and promises of ownership? How many people wanted the look of a teenager? Eiji wanted to scream in anger for Ash. He was not sure why things went this way. What was different today from any other time? Why now? Had he given Ash some signal? Eiji loosened the tangle with his fingers and asked, “Are you having fun?”

“Arguing with you isn’t fun.” Ash stretched out on his stomach and put his chin on his hand.

Eiji resisted rolling his eyes. “When it changed. Was it fun?”

Ash did not respond. The song downstairs changed to yet another classic with a sexual beat. Someone honked their horn outside. A television came on next door. They did not look away from each other. Ash slowly sat with his legs folded. His shoulders sagged and his abdomen was at a normal tension. “I don’t know.”

“Then we stop.” Eiji stood.

Ash sighed. “Sex isn’t always fun.”

Eiji found his shirt behind the radio and turned it so the outside faced the outside. “If I want to fuck when it is not fun, then in New York I would fuck you.”

Ash leaned his arms on his thighs and watched Eiji put on his shirt. He could still feel Eiji’s nails against his skin and Eiji’s mouth on his neck. What changed? How was he “that person?” How could he even stop from being “that person” if he felt like himself?

Eiji set Ash’s shirt beside him and sat across from him. “I do not think you are bad. I want to feel…” his voice trailed, “like you chose me.”

“If I didn’t choose you, I wouldn’t be here.” Ash ignored his shirt for now.

“I mean…” Eiji moved back and forth between Japanese and English in his brain. “I am not the boss. I am not the dishes.” He licked his lips and looked down at the pattern on the rug before looking back at Ash. “When we do this, I feel special. I want you to feel special too.”

Sex did not seem special, but having sex with Eiji made Ash feel things that he never associated with sex. Eiji touched him with eager, joyful hands. He respected Ash’s boundaries. Ash wanted to touch him and wanted to feel Eiji’s reactions to those touches. Ash wanted to exist in the quiet moments afterwards and he looked forward to the next time. He caught himself thinking about the next time sometimes in anticipation. Ash bit his tongue.

Eiji did not know what to say. He frowned. Was this request too selfish? Was it too unrealistic? There were times he would try to start something, Ash would say no, and Eiji would back off willingly. How many yeses were real yeses? How many times did Ash initiate something genuinely? How many times were out of some kind of obligation? Did Ash even know? Was the posturing the only way to know when things were not quite right?

The music continued downstairs. Ash’s shoulders drew closer to his ears. Eiji could recognize the chorus in this song. It was super popular when he was in middle school. When was the last time he heard it in full? Eiji blinked. Every time he heard the song over the last few years, someone immediately changed the station or the channel. Whenever they had music on themselves nowadays, it was Japanese or if in English, the songs were relatively new. His hormones completely calm now, Eiji’s brain recalled Matsue when Ash’s eyes were wild and wide because of “just a song.” Eiji licked his lips.

“Let’s go.” Eiji stood up. He did not want to think what the implications meant. It would only make him angry with people who were not here to unleash that anger upon.

Getting the hell out of the apartment had an appeal. Ash pulled his shirt on and followed Eiji. There was a mild breeze outside with the sound of constant traffic. The clouds parted and the sun warmed them. Ash’s shoulders slowly relaxed.

 

~

 

The train ride from Tokyo to Yokohama crawled. Eiji kept replaying the meeting with the publisher in his head. There was a rock in his stomach but his heart also fluttered. Finally, the train pulled into the right station and Eiji hurried off and towards home. He took long strides and skittered into the elevator. He burst through the apartment door, calling out, “Ash! Ash!” He wrestled with his shoes and made a beeline for the table. He leaned over the chair he normally sat in across from Ash and put both palms face down on the table in-between Ash’s study materials. Eiji beamed.

Ash already had his pen down, but remained seated. He smirked slightly. “Welcome home,” he said in Japanese.

“Yes. Yes. I’m home.” Eiji gripped the back of his chair. “I got a photo assignment! They got a lot of reader responses to my article and the publisher liked the way I took my photos and they want more. I have to go to Hokkaido next month. They want me to be part of an issue in a different magazine about off-season travel. I’m kind of looking forward to it. It’s not going to be fall colors or lots of snow, but that’s kind of appealing. It’ll look less generic that way.”

Ash had his chin on his hand and kept his gaze on Eiji. He said nothing for a long moment. “Do you want a paper bag?”

Eiji blinked. “What?”

“It was very fast.” Ash thought he understood some but not all of it.

Eiji let go of the chair. “I will go to Hokkaido next month. The magazine wants me to bring them photos.”

“Congratulations,” Ash said.

“Thanks.” Eiji smiled and then went around the table to kiss Ash once before retreating to the entryway to hang up his jacket. He could do this. He was going to do this.

 

~

 

Free time was a fleeting commodity. When Ash was not commuting, he was in class or the library. When he was not in class, he was at work well into overtime as was expected of everyone. When he was home, he was studying, keeping the apartment functioning, or cooking. Ash welcomed it. It was one accomplishment after another. All his energy he put into becoming one of the people at the top of the gang world now went into becoming one of the top in his class and proving that allowing him to work at the high school was no mistake. Free time meant spending it with Eiji or doing his own thing. With Eiji in Hokkaido, free time was quieter and sluggish.

The news droned on, trying to downplay that the current economic bubble was starting to leak some air. Ash twirled the pen in his fingers and stared at the empty notebook in front of him. He tried photography, but he was better at caving to whims rather than a consistent eye for it like Eiji. He tried drawing, but it did not come to him easily. Musical instruments were costly and impractical when living in an apartment. Ash regularly sang in the shower and his singing shone when the student group met for karaoke, but there was only so far a singing hobby could go.

Griff was able to come up with words on any topic so easily. Sometimes it was very lyrical, sometimes it was more wordplay. Griff could start speaking his own poetry and when he chose to write it, his pen flew across a page, pausing a little here and there before taking off again. Ash always preferred the snippets Griff sent him in letters to the dull, dry poetry he read in school.

Ash continued to stare at the blank notebook. Nothing bubbled up inside of him. He tried rhyming various words in his mind but it did not spark much. He tried to approach it in Japanese, but he only ended up connecting words by matching the last sound of a word to the first sound of another.

The news took a perkier beat to talk about Kudō Shizuka. Ash set his pen to paper and wrote murder at the top of the page, adding a kind of spiral motif to the letters. He traced the word on the page, giving the script weight. He wrote the word again in a slightly different style, making each letter sharp like spears. He wrote it again at an angle, again in all cursive capitals, again where the e’s almost looked like grotesque cute hearts, again in katakana. He wrote the word repeatedly until he wrote it in his usual handwriting in the last blank space on the page. Ash looked at the page for a long moment.

He could not remember every murder he committed. Some seemed to blend into a composite. He remembered the weight of his gun, the feel of the trigger more than faces and circumstances. The murders he used a knife or something other than a gun stuck out more clearly, but even then some murders were fuzzy. It was easier to avoid thinking about it. When he was in New York, killing was too easy. A nothingness always spread through his body. There was no pleasure or pain, though there was anger at times. Ash’s hand trembled.

He turned the page over and began running his pen along the indentations, retracing the letters backwards. Sometimes the pen would poke holes through the thinned paper. His stomach felt sour and his head ached. The television played a jingle for detergent. His heart was hollow. He let go of the pen and went to the window. His hair caught the lamplight in the reflection and his eyes averted from his own gaze. He sighed and looked out past his reflection. The night was dark and cloudy. There was a breeze rustling bedding someone left hanging across the street. He came to Japan over a year and a half ago and he was not the same person who got on that plane. Who had he become? Was he stronger? Weaker? Who was he?

Ash’s eyes focused on his reflection again. He was Ash, Aslan, Asrun, Callenreese, Karenrisu, and Karen-san, as the students nicknamed him, each a different person with a different purpose and a different perspective. He was the friend, the lover, the classmate, the foreigner, the coworker, the computer guy. Everyone around him seemed certain of who he was, but all their opinions conflicted. Ash turned away from the window. He closed the notebook when he passed it, grabbed his jacket, and left the apartment.

 

~

 

Eiji’s assignment in Hokkaido began in Hakodate, moved to Otaru, and ended in Sapporo. His permits set the schedule and itinerary for each day. The publisher paid for his hotels, food, and airfare. It was cheaper and faster to fly than take the trains to and from Yokohama.

Hakodate stretched out into Uchiura Bay north of the Tsugaru Straights. Mount Hakodate rose to the south. The air was cool but there was no breeze. Eiji’s felt the weight of his camera bag. He needed to highlight the splendor and reality of all of these locations. He needed to live up to expectation. He needed his inspiration.

Eiji tried not to splash in puddles as he walked from the station to the hotel. If he tried to force things, he would not succeed. He thought of Ash, Hatsuko, his friends, his parents, and the people he met at the publishing company. What would he want to show them about Hokkaido? Could he depict such things in artistic and sophisticated ways? Was that less or more pressure? Eiji sighed. He had no choice. No matter how he chose to view his audience, he needed photos. Tonight he wanted to try to relax and execute the first permit fresh in the morning.

The next morning was chilly and overcast with a slight breeze. Eiji’s schedule took him around the city from architectural to geographic to historical and cultural landmarks. He knew the theory and practice of colors, angles, and lighting. He started thinking structurally, trying to draw the eye. His jaw tensed. His shoulders tightened. The compositions felt forced even if he would not see them until he developed the film.

Eiji lowered his camera and closed his eyes a moment. He inhaled and exhaled from his nose. These were magazine photos, professional photos for print. These photos were more than just off-season travel. They were invitations. These places needed to open up to the viewer. They needed to beckon and tease. They needed to welcome and embrace.

The wind picked up and blew the hair from his face. Eiji opened his eyes. He could visualize the lines of the subject in front of him extending form itself, guiding him to the right angle and position. With each photo, with each new subject, his brain whirred and his shoulders relaxed. By the time Eiji stood on top of Mount Hakodate that evening, the photos were more fluid. The clouds gathered and darkened. The lights in the city brightened. He smiled.

Otaru was a port city along the Ishikari Bay known for architectural landmarks and a decorated canal. There were mountains and ski resorts nearby. Eiji slept on the night bus and woke when they reached Sapporo in time to catch a train to Otaru. The sun peeked in and out of the clouds before becoming decidedly overcast. Eiji stood along the canals and considered angles. What would be the most common photo? How could he avoid it? If he could not avoid it, how could he make it seem fresh? His fingers grew numb despite his gloves as he worked. He hoped to continue his momentum to Sapporo.

Sapporo was the capital of Hokkaido, just southeast of Otaru. Like Hakodote and Otaru, there were rivers and mountains. The weather remained stubbornly overcast and chilly. Eiji worked his way through the city, making a large circle. At the end of the evening, he took a moment to put his hands in his pockets and breathe the cold air deeply. He closed his eyes and let the breeze rush around him. He was not sure if he felt good about his photos, but he felt more positive than negative. He wanted to remember this moment and channel the ease into his personal photos. Eiji opened his eyes and headed to the airport.

 

**To be continued….**


	8. Part Four: Yokohama, Chapter Eight: Don’t Look up Old Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Eight, in which moving to Yokohama also brings struggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Eight, in which moving to Yokohama also brings struggles.  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ibe Shunichi, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, original characters (students); Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 9,020  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** nightmares, language, suicidal thoughts, mention of child sexual abuse, nausea, major panic attack, mention of irresponsible eating habits  
>  **Chapter Notes** After I wrote the first draft of this chapter, I kept waffling on if I’d commit to it or not. I couldn’t think of something else to replace it with so I kept the plot points and tried my best. I should have dug deeper with it towards the end of the chapter, but it was hard to find the scenes and words to do that. I’m sorry if this ends up weak in places.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Four: Yokohama  
Chapter Eight: Don’t Look up Old Demons**

In Ash’s dream, the apartment was dark, the air thick, metallic, and floral. Ash clicked the light switch, but there were no lightbulbs. He said nothing and moved deeper, dreaming without feet, past the kitchen. The curtain blew around in the breeze. Without even a thought, Ash was on the balcony.

Eiji was in the corner, his head bent. He bled from the wounds shorter gave him. Eiji gazed up at Ash. His pupils were large and his irises red instead of black. “I’m…” his voice trailed and then he spoke in Japanese and English simultaneously, “I’m sorry.” He fell through the floor of the balcony.

Ash rushed forward, his hands hit the floor of the balcony, palms down, but it felt like nothingness.

Ash’s eyes opened. He sat on his futon, arms outstretched with his palms flat. He gasped each breath. He lowered his arms and closed his eyes, bowing his head. He brought his hands over the back of his neck and willed himself to breathe. His hands slipped from his neck. He opened his eyes. It was dark. Eiji was not on the futon beside him and Eiji’s slippers were gone. The chairs were empty, but Eiji’s glasses were still on the table, catching light from the parted curtains. There was no sound from the bathroom. The clock read 2:53.

Ash’s stomach lurched. He took a deep breath and rolled off his futon. The sliding door was unlocked and the curtain placed so someone could easily step onto the balcony. It was Valentine’s Day so it was too cold to be outside shirtless.

Eiji leaned on the balcony, arms folded. He stared off past the buildings and into the distance. Ash settled beside him, an amicable distance between them like always when they stood there. Ash let his fingers rest on the railing but it was too cold to keep them there.

“It’s so stupid,” Eiji said quietly in Japanese. “We have to hold back no matter where we live, no matter how we choose to live.”

It was too early in the morning to speak Japanese, but Ash managed. “Is that why?”

“No.” Eiji did not elaborate why he was outside. When Ash shivered, Eiji touched Ash’s arm and headed back inside. Once they were both inside, Eiji locked the door behind them and fixed the curtains.

Ash watched Eiji, his brain not quite awake or asleep. He rubbed his arms a little. He should have taken something outside with him. Normally when he woke up from a nightmare, Eiji was still lying on the futon, sometimes awake, sometimes asleep. He knew Eiji had them too, but not as frequently. Maybe that was why they were both awake.

They migrated back to the futons pushed together. Traffic began to increase slowly. There were no other noises. Ash rolled onto his stomach and looked at Eiji who stared up at the ceiling. “What is it?” Ash asked quietly.

Eiji’s eyes shifted to Ash. He licked his lips. “Someone asked me if I would be part of a gallery, but I don’t have anything to show. I go on assignment and my inspiration finds me. I come back and it leaves. I look at you and it flickers. I look at everything else around us and it dies.” His eyes returned to the ceiling. “I thought it was because I was too used to Shimane. Now…” Eiji’s voice trailed.

“‘It is hard to be somewhere else,’” Ash echoed Eiji’s words in English from the night they arrived in Japan.

Eiji rolled onto his side, facing Ash. “I want to take you out tonight,” he said in Japanese.

“Where?” Ash turned on his side to face Eiji.

Eiji’s mind blanked. Every single Valentines Day type place would be overdone and overcrowded. Even things that were unique would just be too public. As much as Eiji wanted to rail against social norms, they still hung over his head. Finally, he suggested, “The beach at night? We can take food with us.”

“Alright.” Ash sank deeper into the futon. “We can go when I get home.”

“Okay.” Eiji took Ash’s hand. Their fingers were still chilly. He closed his eyes.

Ash looked at their hands in the dim light for a long moment. His only memory of the dream now was Eiji’s eyes big, red, and dilated. How many times did he have a nightmare where Eiji came under the influence of banana fish? How many scenarios? How many settings? How many weapons? Why did he always fail Eiji in all of them?

Ash sighed silently. He forced himself to remember the beach. There was a park with trees, paths, and grill areas that led to the sand. It overlooked the bay and there was an island across the water. The breezed smelled of the sea. He would bob around the water with Eiji when it was warm and dry off on towels in the sun. He let his eyes close. He could hear beachgoers giggling in the distance and Eiji laughing as the waves crashed.

 

~

 

When it was time to go to the beach, it was already dark and the waxing moon settled into the western sky. It took an hour by two trains and there were already several people walking along the sand, bundled against the breeze. Ash and Eiji spread the towels out in the shadows out of the reach of the waves and sat close together. The sand was cool on their bare feet. There was enough light from the surrounding islands and inlet to see, but also enough darkness to keep to themselves. The tea was still warm in the thermos and the leftovers mixed well together.

When they finished eating, they could hear the surf as well as people laughing and carrying on down the beach. Eiji closed his eyes briefly and breathed deeply. His shoulders relaxed and he asked in English, “What do you think about a house?”

Ash leaned back on his hands and stretched out his legs. “A house,” he said slowly, “feels permanent.”

“And private.” Eiji brought his legs up and draped his arms over his knees. He buried his toes in the sand.

Someone burst into happy tears down the beach. The laughing group was still laughing in the other direction.

Ash resisted saying, “It’s your money.” They both knew that. He laid back on the towel and the sand. Ash rested his hands on his abdomen, intertwining his fingers. The sky was clear but the light of the city did not help the stars. “I don’t know. Sounds like you aren’t asking what you really want to ask.”

Eiji looked down at Ash in the dim light and then back out at the sea. “Yes and no. I know a house is a commitment…

“…to whatever we are,” Eiji said at the same Ash asked, “What are we?”

Neither spoke. The laughing group began shrieking and chasing each other down the shore. The happy tears couple passed in front of Ash and Eiji as close to the surf as they could be without getting wet.

Ash sat up and shook out his hair before fixing it with his fingers. He half expected to wake up in the public library finding this all to be an elaborate fever dream brought on by infected injuries. He tried to imagine one of those houses like the ones he passed to and from work or one of the few houses in Japan he visited. The yard would likely be small enough to provide a buffer between them and their neighbors. There would be artwork on the walls and probably a designated darkroom. Maybe they would have a cat or a dog. It would be normal, domestic; something any couple might want.

Couple was too plain of a word. Boyfriends sounded too innocent and juvenile. How many times had Eiji wrapped Ash in bandages? How much trauma and tragedy had they witnessed together? How many mundane days did they tolerate together? How many good things happened together? They went through so much more than some teenage term could describe.

Eiji considered all the Japanese and English words he could think of to describe them. Booty calls and fuck buddies were the wrong end of the spectrum. Boyfriends seemed closer to the first time Ash kissed him without pills or plots and they fell asleep together on the floor. They were something different now.

“We’re partners.” The breeze blew Ash’s hair away from his face.

Eiji held his gaze and then added, “Family.”

Ash’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He did not look away. “Family,” he agreed, keeping the word close to himself.

Eiji smiled. He took Ash’s face in his hands, letting his fingers linger. The laughing group was farther down the shore now. Eiji’s fingers slowly slid away.

Ash stole a kiss and then snorted softly. “We just had to come to the beach.”

Eiji laughed quietly and stood up, stretching. He offered Ash a hand up from the ground. They slowly let go of each other’s hands and headed back to the station. The breeze remained cool and the night quiet. Clouds began to move in and obscure the moon. The journey back to the apartment felt longer even though it took the same amount of time.

 

~

 

Spring arrived with the new school year. Ash continued his position with the high school. New students took the place of those who left the foreign students group at university. Ash no longer attended the groups meetings but the group collected around him in the morning and still invited him to go places with them. He continued the quiet, shy persona he created the previous school year. Eiji continued receiving photo assignments along with the occasional article. Summer brought the storms. Summer vacation at the high school began with a severe tropical storm and the rain kept coming. By the time the university went on summer vacation, there was a typhoon in their area.

The rain beat down steadily and the winds howled. The air pressure pressed down on Ash and filled his sinuses. There was no power. The trains stopped before Eiji could come home standing him in Tokyo. Most of the apartment building evacuated but Ash remained. He sat on the kitchen floor, using the wall the closet rested against as a buffer between him and the windows in case they shattered. He rested his head against a cabinet door and closed his eyes.

There were storms like this when he was young back when he thought Griff died and before he joined the gang. He would lie on the floor and spread his arms out, imagining a windbreaker big enough to lift him from the ground. He would soar across the city and then fall to the ground, terminal velocity knocking him out before he could hit. Letting the wind guide him to his death had been a tempting albeit impractical thought.

Sometimes he wanted to watch the storms from the windows not caring if they shattered in front of him or perhaps hoping for it. He never did risk it back then and did not feel the temptation now. It was weird. It was such a strangely hard choice to stay rather than evacuate. He could not be sure who he might run into at the designated shelter, so he had no choice. His head hurt too much to know what to do with feeling as though he wanted to survive. Usually he would hope the building might just collapse around him. He could still remember the roof at the high school the night of the cultural festival and how Eiji’s heart beat against his ear when he came home. That was months ago. He had not felt that kind of pull since. It was a personal record.

Ash laid down on the floor and placed his palms on his forehead. The radio continued droning on about the storm but it was hard to concentrate on the words. Thunder rumbled overhead and the room grew darker. The storm seemed endless. He could not wait for it to pass.

 

~

 

There were so many people at the evacuation shelter. Babies screamed with the wind and children cried. The typhoon brought flooding, high winds, and the danger of erosion. When Eiji found out about the storm, there was a possibility this could happen if the prediction changed. Living it was something else. He kept to himself and discreetly observed the people around him. There were locals and other visitors. There were single people and families. Most had their disaster preparation kits. Every time Eiji tried to sleep, he dreamt something was trying to crush his skull. He hoped his family was not worried about him and that Ash was all right.

The air pressure eased, the winds died down, and the rain eventually stopped. Once he could, Eiji navigated his way to a train station. The roads washed away along some routes and others were still flooded. When he arrived at the station, the trains were not running yet, but not long after, they started running to certain locations. Eiji got on the first train heading towards the station he needed and had another wait until the first train going to Yokohama departed. Eiji did not care if it took him all the way to the station near the apartment building. He just wanted to get out of Tokyo.

When Eiji got to the apartment building, the power was on but the elevators were out of service. Eiji sighed and headed up the stairs. He did not sleep much at the shelter and he did not sleep on the trains. His camera bag and feet felt extra heavy.

“Oi, old man, go faster,” a young, sarcastic voice said in Japanese.

Eiji turned around to look down the stairs and then rolled his eyes. Ash grinned.

“Students taught me.” Ash reached the step below Eiji and stopped. He held out a hand.

Eiji took Ash’s hand. They stood like that for a long moment until they could hear other people starting up the stairs from the first floor.

“The bag,” Ash clarified.

“Right.” Eiji handed Ash his camera bag and followed Ash up the stairs. When they got into the apartment, Eiji slipped off his shoes and then sat on the floor with his back against the door. He closed his eyes. Ash prodded Eiji’s foot with his own what felt like a few seconds later. Eiji reluctantly opened his eyes.

“I cannot carry you.” Ash pulled Eiji up by the hands.

“Not with that attitude,” Eiji murmured and rubbed his face, letting Ash steer him to the bathroom where there were towels and clothes already waiting. The shower was cold but welcomed. His body slowly relaxed. He closed his eyes and let the water fall on the back of his neck. He could hear Ash in the kitchen. It was good to be home.

 

~

 

The fall rains continued and school resumed. Ash watched the drizzle out the window while the students sitting with him that morning conversed among themselves. The conversation slowed and the group began to split up to go to class. Ash felt eyes on him. Two girls watched him intently, talking quietly to each other. He chose to ignore it.

“Hey, you’re Aslan, right?” one of the girls asked, clutching her umbrella tightly.

“Yeah.” Ash picked up his umbrella.

She nodded. “I’m Billie. This is Rashida. We want to ask you something.”

Want to ask was always a bad sign. Ash wanted to head them off at the pass because he had no interest in having a threesome, but his held his tongue. He was supposed to be the suburban boy next door after all.

“Do you have a brother?” Rashida asked.

“Yeah,” Ash said. He kept his comments about Griff short and general, never over-sharing or providing much detail. He always spoke of Griff as if Griff was alive. It helped Ash seem more like the rest of the group.

“I told you,” Billie said to Rashida.

“Still doesn’t mean they’re related,” Rashida said.

They exited the building. The girls shared an umbrella so that they could walk closer to Ash and keep up the conversation.

“There’s this place by our train station,” Billie said, “with all these weird advertisements on the outside of the building. Looked like a weird bookstore so we went inside. When we got in there, we figured out it was…well, adult.”

“I don’t do threesomes,” Ash said. Even nice sweet boys had boundaries after all.

“We’re trying to help. Don’t get gross,” Rashida said.

“I’ll get to the point,” Billie said. “We started looking at the magazines. A lot of them were weird, but there were some that were just…”

“We saw a kid who looks like you on the cover of one of them,” Rashida said. “Green eyes aren’t common, so we figured he could be your brother.”

Ash stopped walking. Billie and Rashida took a few steps and then turned to look back at him. Billie’s grip on her umbrella tightened. Neither girl sneered, glared, or smirked. Billie bit her lip and Rashida looked away.

The air felt colder. There was a rock in Ash’s stomach. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. It was him. Who else could it be? They had not figured it out somehow. He licked his lips. “Where?” Did he want to know? No. Yes. Maybe. He needed to know before the head of the high school found out, although he was not sure how Japan felt about working in porn, coerced or not.

Billie passed her umbrella to Rashida and got out her binder. She wrote quickly, ripped the page out, and handed it to Ash. It was not an address but instructions on how to get to the shop from the girls’ apartment. “I guess they don’t have rules about it here. I hope it’s not your brother.”

Ash folded the paper and put it in his pocket. “I’ve got class.”

The girls nodded and bid him goodbye. Ash lowered his umbrella and let the rain hit his face. What was he supposed to do with this information? What was he going to find if he went there? Should he even go?

The door to the building near him closed loudly. Ash sighed and entered the building. Class crawled by and it was hard to concentrate. Just because they thought the boy looked like him did not mean it was him. Even if it were him, would anyone really assume it was him? The last time he made a video and took professional prints he was fifteen. After that, there were only photos for Dino’s private use. The click of the camera while he was naked and blind echoed in his ears.

Ash’s pencil snapped, sending a splinter into the pad of his thumb as the eraser tip rolled away. Some students nearby glanced at him. No one else noticed. Ash looked at the remainder of his pencil and then at his empty notebook page. He could not spend all day thinking about that part of his past or about what might be in that shop.

Why was his mind so preoccupied? New York was never like this. He could just compartmentalize these thoughts and get on with things there. The longer he was in Japan, the harder it was to feel nothing. Work passed in a haze, but he did any duty set before him. By the time he made it to the roof, it was dark. It was no longer raining but it was still humid. Ash reached into his pocket and touched the paper. Should he go? Should he sleep on it? Ash turned away and left the school.

The girls’ apartment building was one of the ones that Ash and Eiji considered when moving to Yokohama. From there, it was easy to follow the directions to the shop. The outside of the shop was quirky with bright colors. It advertised books and DVDs inside. It looked quirky. If Ash could not read Japanese, he was not sure h would have clued into it being an adult store from the outside.

If he went inside, what was he going to do if he was on the cover of a magazine? Set the display on fire? Steal them and then set them on fire? He could just go home. He probably should. If he could crumple because someone played the same music that used to play while filming porn, who knew what his reaction to this might be. When was the last time he saw himself on a porn cover? Four years ago now? Ash put his hands in his pockets. If it was him on the cover and people realized it was him, how long until people who thought he was dead would start looking for him? How long until the Corsicans came looking for the embezzled money? How long until he came home to Eiji severely injured or dying or dead? Ash’s jaw tensed. He would be able to do nothing about the magazine stash inside and even if he could do something, who knew how many copies were across the city or how fast it could restock. Not to mention what other porn shops across the country might have them in stock. Maybe someone in Matsue would recognize him and all the copies here were moot.

How recognizable was he on the cover? How many others would figure it out? Would anyone confront him with it? Did he want to be unprepared for that kind of surprise reveal? Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. When the police confronted him with his past when Marvin died, it rattled him more than he expected. If he knew what was coming, would that make it easier if something came up about it later? Ash sighed silently.

The store had a women’s section and a men’s section. There were mostly men milling about along with tourists and a couple. The word for magazines was in big print along a wall in English and Japanese. Ash locked onto the words, navigating towards them while ignoring the sex toys and equipment he passed. Every step tightened his shoulders. Every smell threatened to take his mind back to filming and other negative memories. Ash bit his tongue.

The back wall was full of magazines in multiple languages but predominantly in English and Japanese. There did not seem to be any boundaries or limitations to content. Any sexuality, any fetish, any inclination had some kind of representation. The only thing unifying was the censorship of genitals. Ash’s eyes scanned the covers. Why was he here? He should just go home. He should be studying. He kept looking.

The covers moved from adults to children. Ash felt the rock grow in his stomach. He concentrated on their faces. Some looked drugged, many looked scared. His chest tightened. Blank green eyes stared back at him under a mass of blond hair styled to look like _The Blue Lagoon_. The boy had his back to the camera completely naked. The magazine promised “Papa’s Secret Stash” with “unseen photos.” It was him. It was real. There was evidence many copies already sold.

Ash reached out to grab the last remaining copies, throw them, destroy them, but his hands stopped centimeters away. He did not want to touch them. His hands slowly lowered. He needed to stay calm. How many covers of himself had he seen over the years? How many times had he seen much more provocative poses? Numbness spread from the rock in his stomach. It covered his organs, his bones, his flesh, and mind. It was not nothingness but a suffocating veil. Ash turned away and left the store. What did he expect to find here? How was he supposed to feel? How was this supposed to be productive? What could he do about it?

The night was cool like how the filming or photography sets were always cold. Ash walked faster. Bile threatened. He knelt down near an alley, but he managed to keep from vomiting. He put his hands over his head, gripping his hair tightly in his fingers. He shut his eyes tight. The numbness shrouding his body tingled and vibrated. He bit his tongue. He still did not vomit. When the nausea passed, he started walking, directionless. He kept his head down and his hands in his pockets. Most people were home with lights on in their houses and apartments. Eventually he came to a small park tucked away from the street near a trash dumpsite. The park was just big enough for a few benches and a water fountain.

Ash sank onto the bench farthest from the street. He looked up at the sky. The clouds passed in front of the waning moon that slowly blurred as tears began to fall. He wanted to scream. He wanted to sob. His breath shook his body, but did neither. He remained quiet and still and cried until the moon was directly overhead. He wiped at his eyes. His head ached. He stood up, took a few deep breaths, and then headed home.

 

~

 

How many nights had Eiji waited for Ash to return with no idea where he was? How many times had he willed himself to believe Ash would eventually come home? How long had it been since the last time Eiji watched the clock creep later and later like this? Ash did not come home at a regular time from work but this was hours later than even the latest time Ash might appear. Back in New York, Ash had weapons and allies who knew how to fight. Ash was a good fighter even without weapons, but what if there were multiple opponents? If Ash ran into that kind of trouble here, Eiji was not sure what would happen.

Eiji eyed the kitchen. The knives were easy to get, though he did not want to think he would have to use one against a home invader. Everyone regarded Eiji as Ash’s weak point. He also made his own share of enemies in New York. Someone might try to incapacitate Ash and then come for Eiji to create a message for Ash to find when he came home.

It grew later. How practical was it to stay in the apartment? If a hospital or Ash called, he needed to be here. If Ash were lying on the ground somewhere in the dark where no one might find him until morning, staying home would not help at all. Eiji went to the window. Cars passed. There was no sign of pedestrians heading towards their building. He had a pager, but he was not sure that would help if he left. Neither of them had a cellphone because the price point seemed too inflated for the capabilities of the product to be a good buy. Eiji sighed. He needed to stay put, at least for now.

It was after midnight when Ash opened the door, offering a quiet, “I’m home,” in Japanese. After leaving the park, he got lost until he found a train station. He cleaned up a bit there in a sink before coming home.

Eiji was already standing just beyond the title pattern in entryway. His eyes swept over Ash. “Welcome home.” He frowned.

Ash avoided Eiji’s gaze. He wanted to grab Eiji, kiss him, start something to distract him from the way his stomach still felt too heavy and too warm. He never wanted to be touched again. He wanted to sleep while Eiji held him and forget about alarm clocks and responsibilities. He still wanted to scream.

“Do not be mad with me. I did nothing,” Eiji said in English. He could not believe this. He stayed up late worrying and now Ash would not even look at him.

“I’m not mad.” Ash cast his bag to the ground and slipped out of his shoes.

Eiji was quiet for a long moment. Their neighbors were all asleep most likely. He took a long deep breath. “You do not look at me when you are mad.”

Ash knew it was true. Was he mad? If he was mad, who was he even mad at? The rock in his stomach grew heavier. “I’m not mad at you.”

When Ash moved to pass by Eiji, Eiji hooked their arms together. His grip was loose enough that Ash could easily break it. Ash almost pulled his arm free, but slowly bent his elbow so their arms remained linked instead.

“Are you hurt?” Eiji asked.

“No.”

“Are you okay?”

“No,” Ash admitted after a very long pause.

Eiji’s fingers curled into the fabric of Ash’s sleeve, gripping it tightly a moment before he relaxed his hand. “I do not need to know, but it was hard to watch the clock. It was hard to not know.”

Ash glanced at Eiji. He licked his lips and then looked straight ahead, down the hall and beyond at the curtains in the main room. He was not sure how to explain.

Eiji’s arm slipped free. He touched Ash’s shoulder. “If you are hungry, dinner is in the fridge.” He left to set the futons up for bed.

The thought of food elicited nausea. Ash breathed through his nose and then headed into the main room to help. They worked without talking, spreading out their padding, mattresses, sheets, and covers as they did every night. They got ready for bed in silence and stretched out with their backs to one another.

 

~

 

Every time Ash closed his eyes, the room seemed colder and he felt so naked. Everything smelled like latex, sweat, blood, and semen. He could hear music softly, setting a beat to grind to, sometimes he heard grunting and moaning. He breathed through his nose, trying to smell fresh bedding instead. He tried to hear Eiji breathing and feel how close Eiji was until it seemed too close. Ash stared at the wall. He was not awake or asleep. He did not move all night. In the morning, he rose and shut the alarm off before it could ring.

Ash stared at the alarm clock for a long moment and then watched Eiji sleeping soundly. He should have called and told Eiji he would be late. He set the clock back where it belonged next to the television and went to get ready. He still felt nauseous but that could be from hunger. He had to keep going. He could not let this set him back.

When Ash emerged from the bathroom, Eiji was awake and sitting at the table. Ash brought Eiji a mug of tea when he came to the table with his own.

Eiji pushed his hair away from his face. “Thanks.” He cradled the mug in his hands, licked his lips and then he said in English, “You can look at me today.”

Ash let the mug warm his hands but he did not drink. He wanted to tell Eiji what happened, but it was hard to phrase it let alone explain why he did it. He finally sipped his tea and made a face. It was sour to him. He set the mug aside. “I saw something yesterday. I shouldn’t have looked.”

Eiji sipped the tea. It was floral and a little sweet. He kept hold of his mug. “Are we in danger?” If they had to leave immediately, he already had a strategy to grab everything he needed as fast as possible.

“No.” Ash ran a finger along the lip of his mug. After several circles, he leaned back in his chair. His gaze shifted to Eiji, who continued to watch him. “I used to be in a lot of magazines. When some girls told me I looked like a boy they saw, I couldn’t let it go.” Ash leaned his arms on the table and ran a hand through his hair, letting his fingers rest on the top of his head. “When I saw that magazine yesterday…” his voice trailed, “I’ve lost my goddamned mind.”

Eiji gripped his mug so tightly that his knuckles paled. His jaw tensed. He opened his mouth and closed it, not sure what he might say, what tone he might use. He wanted to shout and rant, but there was no one in the room that deserved his anger. The furor stirring within his heart would not help Ash at all. Eiji let go of his mug and let his hands become fists.

Ash shook his head. The alarm clock next door rang. It would be time to leave for university before he knew it. “‘Once a whore, a whore is a whore,’” he quoted his father.

“You are not!” Eiji exclaimed much louder than he meant. He took a breath and relaxed his fists. “I do not own you,” he said in a quieter voice.

“I know.” Ash did not have the energy to point out that he did not have to be Eiji’s whore to be one still. Eiji could love him with all the kindness and fun he could give and it would never erase Ash’s past. Ash went to dump his mug in the sink. He set the mug on the counter and closed his eyes. He could not waste today like he wasted yesterday. Maybe class and work would help fight the nausea.

Eiji set his empty mug beside Ash’s mug and brought his hand up to touch Ash’s back before his hand lowered to rest at his side instead. “Eat something,” he said gently, “Even if it’s only rice.”

Eiji was right even if Ash did not feel like it. He forced himself to eat the leftover rice in the fridge and then grabbed his bag. “I’m going,” he said in Japanese.

“Have a good day,” Eiji replied in Japanese and added, “I love you.”

Ash ran his fingers along Eiji’s face. “I will come home tonight,” he promised. He slipped on his shoes and left.

Eiji locked the door behind Ash and leaned his forehead against it. He put a fist over his heart. “Hasn’t it been enough?” he whispered in Japanese, speaking to the elusive American God. “Haven’t you taken enough?” Eiji took a deep breath and then said, “Amen,” as one might end a radio communication more than a prayer. He stepped away from the door. His heart hurt.

 

~

 

Eating helped. Ash caught up on his reading while commuting to university. Instead of head to where people gathered in the mornings, he went to a library and finished the work he shirked last night. In class and at work, Ash’s mind wandered as it always did except he kept latching onto one negative loop after another. No matter how many days passed, his mind kept sorted through so many things, so many experiences that he thought he already sorted through and put out of his mind years ago. No matter how many notes he took, how many tests he aced, how much software he helped install, printers he troubleshot, no matter how well he helped Ōhara tackle plumbing or electrical problems, Ash’s most successful career was sex. He could hide behind his reading glasses, he could let his body hair grow and look more like a man than a boy, none of this deterred his appeal to others. Mostly women approached him now, but it did not make him feel like any less of a sex object.

His past was multiple demands, invasions, and coercions. Sometimes he would invite it to suit his own ends. It was too easy to give his body to someone and use their lust to his advantage. When was the last time his body was his own before coming to Japan? He was barely old enough to bathe by himself when everything started. Even now, when he could choose who, when, where, and how, there were people in this city who were getting off to images of him. People he did not know knew his body intimately. It could never be his alone, even if he had no sexual partner.

Up on the roof of the high school, Ash looked out at the campus and the houses nearby. There was no moon in the sky. He still wanted Eiji to touch him, to kiss him. He wanted to feel Eiji’s hands slide along his skin, reverent and greedy. He wanted Eiji to whisper in his ear and tug on it with his teeth. He wanted to feel each coaxing touch, each teasing glide. He wanted to pull Eiji close and nip at his neck. He wanted to feel Eiji shiver when his hands slid along his waist. He wanted to show Eiji the words he still could not say aloud. He wanted to laugh together when something stupid or unexpected happened. He wanted to lie together naked in bed and sleep until noon.

Did he really want these things? Yes. Would that be taking advantage of Eiji? Maybe. Ash felt too far into his head. He seemed to take so many steps backwards with Eiji this week. How long would it take this to pass? How long would it take him to sort this out? Could he just choose to be over it? Could anyone?

Ash sighed and rubbed his face. He locked up the roof access. When he reached the bottom of the stairwell, there were at least a half dozen students waiting for him. Ash tensed.

“We are the happiness club,” the oldest girl, Ueno, said in English. “We like to do things for students and teachers.”

Ash heard of them. They were a new club that one of the younger teachers sponsored. They brought students their homework when sick, brought small things to teachers, decorated the school from time to time, and worked hard to brighten people’s days. They reminded Ash of the people who obsessed over random acts of kindness at American high schools, but these kids seemed more genuine.

“We know it is hard to live away from home,” another girl, Kino, said. “We have something for you.”

Ash was not sure what it would be or if he should accept it. It seemed weird for a group of teenagers to give him anything.

“One…two…three…” Kino said and held up their gift as the entire group chorused, “Happy Halloween!”

Ash managed to swallow a shriek. The small plastic jack-o-lantern stared back at him. The orange had a slight red cast to it and the black face had rounded edges, which was probably supposed to make it super cute but it just made it seem creepier than the jack-o-lanterns with sharp crisp edges like scythes. Ash barely registered the students were talking again until about half way through their explanation of all the Japanese candies inside it.

Ash took the jack-o-lantern reluctantly. “Thank you,” he said casually in Japanese. The plastic was both convex and concave and he could feel every shallow indentation of the face. It was so unnatural in his hands.

 

~

 

Eiji laughed exactly the way Ash knew he would when Ash took the jack-o-lantern out of his bag and set it on the kitchen counter. Eiji stopped chopping vegetables for dinner and tried to quell his giggles. “It’s so cute and you’re so green,” he said in Japanese.

“It is not cute,” Ash said. He turned the jack-o-lantern so it faced the wall. Even then, the plastic orange ridges were still off-putting.

Eiji only giggled more. He ran his fingers through Ash’s hair. “Don’t worry. You’re also cute.” He kissed him and then returned to the vegetables.

“My biggest anxiety solved,” Ash murmured in English. He started reading the candy in the pumpkin to see if he could tell what kinds they were.

Eiji returned to chopping. His shoulders tensed and his jaw set. His chopping remained steady but firm.

“What is it?” Ash asked in Japanese.

Eiji finished chopping and took a moment. “I think you are anxious. Since that night, I think it’s weird between us,” Eiji said in English.

Ash set the candy bar in his hand back in the jack-o-lantern. Anxious was not the right word for it. Maybe there was no right word for it. He felt better than he did a week ago, but he knew things were not better. Their kisses were short, their touches brief. Ash welcomed Eiji’s affection but did not initiate as much as he used to. He did not want to use Eiji, but he did not want to lose him either. Eiji kept watching him. Ash sighed. “I’m not anxious.”

Eiji shook his head slowly, the ponytail at the base of his neck swaying with the motion. “I do not know where we are.” He wanted to believe they were still family but maybe he misjudged what type of family that was.

Ash pushed his hair out of his eyes. Conflicting emotion still churned inside him. He could not find the words to express it. He opened his mouth and closed it.

Eiji kept his tongue between his teeth. The way Ash’s brows drew together and the way his brain spun behind his eyes reminded Eiji of the expression Ash had just before he used the voice that knew what was best for Eiji. They came so far over the years. He used to hug Ash and receive no response. Then Ash slowly began to hug him in return. Eiji did not think he would forget Ash opening his arms to him for the first time in Eiji’s bedroom in Izumo. The longer they were in Japan, the closer and more affectionate they became. The last week felt like they were back in that time between Eiji coming out and the trip to Tokyo in some ways.

“I don’t know where I am,” Ash admitted. “I don’t have hobbies. I traded Dino for a job and the gang for college.” His voice growing louder and tenser with each sentence, “How many times do I have to tell people to fuck off because they think they can fuck me? How many times is some creep trying to trap me into a porn deal by calling it ‘modeling?’ People keep asking to take photos of me. They keep trying to touch me. And maybe,” he paused and then lowered his voice considerably, “and maybe that’s all I am.” Ash paused. He sighed. “I like having sex with you. I like it when you stare at me. I want you to touch me. I’m not your sex toy and I don’t want to make you one.”

Eiji ran through the English again in his head. It was a little fast. He thought he understood it even if he did not catch every word.

Ash looked away. He did not know how to take Eiji’s expression. “Anyway….” He put his hands in his pockets and took a step back towards the hallway.

Eiji reached out and grabbed Ash’s shirt, his grip tight. “Let me…” his voice trailed. He did not let go. Ash did not move. “I fight with a dead man. Dino never leaves. You are not my toy. I do not feel like a toy. I want to help. I do not know how. I feel like I will lose you. I feel like you do not want to touch me.” Eiji’s grip relaxed. “Why are we together? Maybe I made you do something you do not want.” Eiji let go. When Ash said nothing more, he returned to making supper.

Ash’s lips pressed into a thin line as he watched Eiji continue chopping. All his choices scattered out before him. He got on the plane and injected himself into Eiji’s return home. They left Izumo because his presence forced the issue of Eiji’s sexuality. They left Matsue so he could study in Yokohama. Now his inability to handle his past, his inability to trust in what he wanted, his inability to see what Eiji needed brought them to this moment. What right did he have to do this to Eiji? How could they stay together like this? Why were they still together?

If it was because Eiji treated him normally, he could have fallen for Alex easily when they first met. If it was because Eiji did not treat him like a sex toy, Ash could have fallen for any of his friends and gang members along the way. If it was because Eiji gave him an escape, Ash would have run away with Blanca the first chance he had. When he first saw Eiji in the bar, he did not think much of him, but he did like the sass. When Eiji vaulted, Ash’s heart skipped a beat. In a sea of numbness, Ash felt almost relieved when he found Eiji in Dino’s mansion so they could escape. He always had some reasoning why Eiji did not have to go home even if he knew Eiji should have left well before Ash left prison. Even when Eiji got shot the first time, Ash waited in the car hoping Eiji would see him, knowing Eiji would come to him out of some misguided hope they could run. If Eiji got in that car and they tried to run back then, it would have been a disaster. They would both be dead now.

Ash could not leave things like this. He did not want to leave things like this. When Eiji stopped chopping, Ash put a hand on Eiji’s shoulder. He waited a beat and then wrapped his arms around Eiji’s shoulders. Eiji leaned back against him.

Their neighbor’s television played a game show. A child ran across the floor upstairs. Someone slammed a door down the hall. Eiji closed his eyes and waited.

“If you forced me, I wouldn’t be here,” Ash said, his voice quiet and low right next to Eiji’s ear.

Eiji opened his eyes and licked his lips. “Why are you here?” he asked, matching volume and tone.

Ash could feel something where the rock in his stomach once was, but it was warmer, tighter. It radiated outward like feathers. Now that he felt it, he could not take it back, but he also could not say it. It would be too manipulative to say it right now. He answered something just as true. “You.”

Eiji touched Ash’s arms and Ash let him go. Eiji turned to face him. He held Ash’s gaze. “I am not a chain.”

“I know. You don’t weigh me down.”

Eiji sighed. He wanted to believe they could be fine again. He wanted to swallow his insecurities, but he also wanted assurance. He pushed gently but not unkindly on Ash’s shoulder. “Go study. I need to cook.” He needed to think.

Eiji returned to the dish, his movements becoming slower. He glanced at the jack-o-lantern facing the wall like a naughty child. This was one of the worst times of year for that magazine to appear. The gang war, the fight with Arthur, the asylum, Yut-Lung… so much happened in late October into November that neither of them cared to remember. No wonder they were both so unsettled.

Eiji finished chopping and prepped the pot so he could sauté the vegetables. Even if he could understand Ash’s behavior, it still hurt. Everything was chaste now. They slept with their backs to each other as if they were in the luxury apartment. If he took Ash’s hand, Ash did not pull away. If he hugged or kissed Ash, Ash would hug or kiss him back, though it was all too brief. Tonight was the first time since the incident that Ash initiated anything.

Eiji dumped the vegetables into the pot in sections based on cook time. He sighed. The more Ash pulled back, the more Eiji pulled back to match the boundaries. Was it really all the bad memories the magazine brought up Ash was reacting to or more than that? Was Eiji also part of the bad? When Ash said that Eiji was the reason they were still together, what did that mean? Did it mean Ash wanted to be at his side or was it in reference to the Tokyo confession?

Eiji added leftover meat from last night once the vegetables were where he needed them along with stock and left over noodles. If Eiji had forced things, if Ash was reevaluating everything, then Eiji could not be sure what their future was. He frowned deeply. Helping Ash might mean letting go. Eiji brought the soup to a boil and reduced it to a simmer. They would have to keep talking about it.

 

~

 

It would have been too easy to grab a dozen red roses and call it a day. Ash tried to be unique but he did not know enough about art supplies to enact his original plan. He chose a small a small bouquet of white and blue roses mixed with purple delphinium. The blue dye was a subtle shade to compliment the natural color of the delphinium. The flowers were fresh and robust. Maybe it was the color combination or the way the delphinium peeked over the tops of the roses, but the bouquet reminded him of Eiji.

The apartment door opened just before Ash could unlock it. Ash stepped back to Ibe could step into the hall. “Good evening,” Ash said in Japanese.

“Good evening,” Ibe said. His eyes looked Ash over without desire, lingering on the flowers. “Good luck,” he said to Ash. Then he looked back at Eiji. “Let me know when the time comes. Good night.” Ibe headed to the elevators.

Once Ibe was gone, Eiji stepped back and Ash entered the apartment. Eiji ran his hand through his hair that was too short for his ponytail. He rubbed his face. He was almost to the deadline to commit or reject the offer to participate in the local gallery showcase. The theme was local artists and their evolution in style. Eiji wanted Ibe to look at some of his recent photos to get his opinion. Ibe said his work showed improvement, but Eiji still thought it looked like stagnation.

Ash slipped his shoes off and waited. When Eiji looked at him, he held up the flowers. “I let things go too far. I am sorry.” He held Eiji’s gaze.

Eiji studied Ash face a long moment and then he looked at the flowers. The roses were elegant and the delphinium regal. It suited Ash so well. Eiji put his hands on Ash’s hands. He ran his thumbs along Ash’s skin. “We need to figure this out.” Flowers were a good sign, but flowers could only do so much.

After supper, they sat across from each other on the rug instead of trying to face each other while sitting on the sofa against the far wall. Neither spoke for a long moment. Which one of them was supposed to start? How was this conversation supposed to go? They both spoke at once and then paused.

Ash could still feel that overwhelming warmth from last night. It still was not the time to say it. Every time he looked at Eiji now, it stirred. Was he supposed to apologize again? Was he supposed to make promises he was not sure he could keep? Was he supposed to go to therapy? Therapy only really worked if the patient was willing and Ash was not there yet. Maybe he would never be.

Eiji did not look away. “I know it’s been hard and weird,” he said in English. “I know you are not sleeping.” He paused and considered his words. “I feel like a stranger. I feel like you slip away. I want to hold tight but I do not want to hurt you. I do not know what I can do. I do not know what you need. We say things with no meaning. We kiss like the movies. We sleep like it is Cape Cod.”

Ash closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. His gaze returned to Eiji. The cacophony of wants and needs continued to grow steadily into a harmony. He was stronger than this. He used to be able to put this all behind him and he just had to figure out how to do that again. “You gave me space. You let me be a dick about it. I’m tired of being a dick about it.” He sighed. “I just want things to be normal.”

“Then touch me,” hovered on Eiji’s lips, but he licked his lips instead. “Then we should choose normal,” Eiji said aloud. “I do not know if it’s so simple.”

Choose normal could mean anything. What even was normal? Ash observed Eiji. Eiji’s fingers loosely intertwined but his shoulders were high and tense. They sat close enough Ash’s foot could easily touch Eiji’s foot if he angled it a certain way, but the distance felt longer. Ash rubbed his face. He flopped back onto the rug and held out his hand to Eiji.

Eiji eyed him and moved so Ash could pull him down. He rested his ear against Ash’s chest so he could hear Ash’s heart. Eiji spoke very quietly, “Tokyo was not a,” he paused to think of the English translation but could not remember, finishing in Japanese, “ultimatum.”

“I know,” Ash said just as quietly in Japanese, resting a hand against Eiji’s back. He breathed deeply. The apartments around them quieted for the night. Rain occasionally tapped against the windows. The light was dim. He did not know how long it might take, but he could not keep running away from what he wanted and was normal for them like it was as suffocating as his own memories.

Eiji’s eyes closed and his breathing matched the slow rise and fall of Ash’s chest. They fell asleep with their arms around each other. It was a start.

 

**To be continued…**


	9. Part Five: Home, Chapter Nine: Souls Are Not Lost but Scattered to the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Nine, in which there are truces and reunions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Nine, in which there are truces and reunions.  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, the Okumura family, Sing Soo-Ling; Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 11,277  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** nightmares  
>  **Chapter Notes** This chapter is longer than average because I realized splitting it into two made the chapters two short. It’s for the best because this chapter and the two that follow make a coherent thought anyway since I wanted to explore aspects from “Garden of Light” in this part of the fic and how these aspects have changed with the AU.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Five: Home  
Chapter Nine: Souls Are Not Lost but Scattered to the Wind**

The sun filtered across the room, changing with the passing clouds. Eiji rolled over and felt his entire body relax deeper into the futon. He could still feel the ghost of Ash’s hands across his body. He could still hear Ash’s voice in his ear and feel his lips at his neck. It was the first time they had sex in a long time. Maybe it was the darkness. Maybe it was how warm the apartment was after being outside. Maybe it was the energy that came with New Years and how everything that happened after midnight seemed to be endless with nothing to hold them back. Eiji eased back towards deeper sleep.

The intercom sounded.

Eiji rolled closer to Ash, burying his face into Ash’s shoulder. Ash did not move.

The intercom sounded again.

Eiji slowly rolled out of bed. The intercom sat on the wall beside the phone near the opening to the hallway that led to the kitchen, bathroom, and front door. Eiji shivered when he stepped off the rug and onto the cold floor. Eiji pressed the talk button. “Good morning,” he said. He pressed the listen button.

“Happy New Year!” his parents chorused.

The room seemed colder. Eiji glanced at the clock. It was a reasonable time for a New Year’s visit. It was also a time he normally would be awake even on New Year’s Day.

“If it’s a bad time we can come back later,” Mrs. Okumura said.

Eiji glanced over his shoulder at Ash who was just as naked and had completely spread out into Eiji’s warm spot in his absence. “Give me fifteen minutes?” he asked. “I can unlock the door. I’ll meet you in the lobby.” When his parents agreed, he hit the door button and said goodbye.

Eiji let his hand slip from the intercom once it was off. His mind whirled. He did not have time to think. He had to act. He crossed the room in a few strides and yanked the blankets off Ash. He dragged Ash off the futon. “Wake up. My parents are here,” he said. He cracked the sliding door and grabbed some clothes, disappearing into the bathroom. When he emerged, Ash was sitting on the floor dazed. Ash accepted the clothes Eiji dumped into his lap and staggered off to the bathroom.

Eiji stripped the futons in record time and folded the pieces up as fast as possible, stuffing it into the closet in the main room. They could air them out later. He looked around the room. The condom box went back in its hiding place. He shuffled some things in the trash bin so it looked innocuous. He ran his fingers through his hair and tied it back in a ponytail. He checked the apartment again. It was already appropriately clean for the New Year.

Ash left the bathroom and stared off at Eiji a moment. Ash knew people visited others for New Years, but that did not explain why Eiji’s parents were here. They were probably only here to see Eiji anyway. Ash did not want to stay, but parents were assholes no matter the country, religion, or age. This was probably some kind of intervention or trap Eiji did not deserve to face alone. Ash brought Eiji his glasses case from where it rested on the table. “I’ll get something around,” Ash offered. They had certainly made enough food already made so they would not have to cook for the first few days of the year.

“Thanks.” Eiji slipped his shoes on and kissed Ash goodbye before heading out. He considered going to Izumo for New Year’s this year since he did not go last year, but continuing to figure out his own traditions with Ash had more appeal. He saw his family in the spring when he had an assignment near Shimane. He also saw Hatsuko when she came to visit Yokohama during her summer break. Eiji sighed. His parents only started asking him how Ash was doing a few months ago. Before then, they would avoid talking about Ash all together. Eiji was not sure what to expect from his parents today.

There were only three seats on the sofa so Eiji’s parents sat across from Ash and Eiji at the table. Hatsuko stayed behind to study for intense examinations. Eiji’s parents were well and staying at a hotel a few stations to the north. The conversation drifted towards Eiji’s work, his parents’ work, and then slowly dwindled. Ash remained quit but present.

Laughter erupted from an apartment next door. The baby across the hall woke up and began wailing as if this was the worst, hungriest morning in all of existence.  
Sun streamed in from the window. Eiji’s parents looked to each other and then Okumura said in English, “We want to invite Ash to come home with you. We want both of you to feel welcome at our home.”

Mrs. Okumura nodded. “When I went to work, my husband had no complaint. When Eiji wanted to cook, I did not scold him. When Hatsuko wanted to work before marriage, we supported it. This is not different.”

Eiji licked his lips and his eyes moved from his father to his mother. He felt Ash’s leg rest against his under the table. Eiji never once imagined such a conversation let alone ever considered what he might want to say if the opportunity arose. He glanced at Ash whose expression remained neutral. Eiji’s gaze returned to his parents. They did not look away. Eiji was not sure if this was acceptance or tolerance.

“I don’t take it personally,” Ash said. “If you accept me or not, it doesn’t matter to me.” This was not about Eiji or himself. This was the second New Year’s Eiji’s parents saw him over the last five New Years. Maybe they realized Eiji could disappear again without warning.

“It matters to me,” Eiji said very firmly. “Ash is my family too. I want this to be sincere.”

Eiji’s parents exchanged a look. Mr. Okumura adjusted his glasses. “We are sincere.”

“We are a family. People are,” Mrs. Okumura thought of the right word, “thrown away too easy. We do not want to be that.”

Ash said nothing. He could not trust the words. It never once crossed Ash’s mind that he might have some semblance of in-laws someday. Everything he knew of in-laws came from books, movies, and television. Growing up, his extended family was just an aunt who lived with her cats. His father’s parents died early. If his mother had any family, they probably did not know he existed. Did Eiji’s parents really want him as family? Ash doubted it.

Eiji’s jaw remained firm and his heart pounded but his gaze softened. He wanted to believe this was acceptance but it felt like tolerance. His parents were honest, kind people, but they were also products of their country and generation. He could not imagine what it was like for them when days turned to weeks turned to months turned to over a year between their phone call before the Cape Cod trip and the phone call after his gunshot wound surgery. Eiji honestly had not thought about calling home until Jessica brought him the omamori Hatsuko gave him, but by then, there was no practical means to make that call. How had so much time passed so easily? What was that like for his family? What was it like for his family to have him come home only to leave soon after? What kind of memories did it bring up when he chose to stay in Yokohama for New Years? No wonder they were sincere.

Eiji met Ash’s gaze briefly. Ash was detached like when he watched Jessica and Max parented Michael or when Ash talked about parents showing up at university or the high school. Ash existed outside all of this. Would Ash even go to Izumo the next time Eiji chose to visit? There was so much Eiji wanted to share with Ash about Izumo that could only happen there. Eiji ran his finger along the rim of his mug. He licked his lips. “Everyone at this table is part of my family,” he said in Japanese. “That will never change. Thank you for inviting both of us. I’m glad we could get to this place.”

Ash nodded slowly. “Thank you very much,” he said but he did not feel it.

The conversation moved to other topics. Eiji’s parents were going to go to Tokyo and then would return home tomorrow for work the next day. They were excited to visit the city and wanted to leave before lunch. Eiji walked them down to the lobby, Ash following quietly a pace behind them. Once Eiji’s parents said goodbye and were gone, Ash and Eiji were the only people in the lobby.

Ash put his hands in his pockets and looked at Eiji. Eiji’s eyes stared off at the door, his fingers playing with his lip, deep in thought. That warmth Ash kept feeling when he looked at Eiji from time to time radiated through his body, slowly growing warmer every time he felt it. Ash licked his lips and shook his head to clear it. It was still not the right time to talk about it. Maybe there never would be a right time, but he would rather wait than choose the wrong time.

Eiji let go of his lip and tightened his ponytail gently. He turned to Ash and asked in English, “What do you think?”

Ash kept his hands in his pockets. “Tolerate me and they get a normal family holiday with both their kids at home.”

Eiji frowned. He wanted to believe it was deeper than that, but he was not sure it was. Going to Izumo meant so many positive things, but it also meant he could not be himself. Even with this invitation, Eiji had trouble imagining how New Year’s next year might go. New Years was about family and he did not forget that. He just kept choosing the family he created lately. Eiji sighed and grasped the hem of Ash’s shirt. Everything ran through his mind. The pill kiss, Dino’s mansion, the apartments, the hideous, the plane, Izumo, Matsue, and Yokohama. He remembered the kisses, caresses, and greedy grabs. He remembered sleeping apart in Matsue giving way to sleeping beside each other again. He remembered the frustration and struggle of the last few months and every shiver, every moan last night. His grip grew steadily tighter. They fought through so much to get here. They almost parted ways so many times. They kept choosing each other. They were worth of so much more than tolerance. “I do not regret this.” Eiji met Ash’s gaze.

Ash was not sure if Eiji meant staying in Yokohama for New Years, their relationship, both, or beyond. It did not matter. “Neither do I.”

Eiji slowly let go of Ash’s shirt. He ran his fingers up Ash’s arm and then stepped away. They headed back upstairs.

Finding a house was a process. Housing prices continued to climb as they had since Eiji was still a teenager. Ash chose to stay out of the bulk of the process. Not only was it Eiji’s money, but the agents preferred to deal with Eiji. The final choice was one thy made together, choosing a nice house on the north side of the city.

 

~

 

The house was modest with two stories and a small driveway rather than a garage. There was enough room in the house that they could have company if they wished and Eiji could process photos without disrupting the flow of the house. The house was near a park and the Tsurumi River. The commute to the university was almost as long as Eiji’s commute to the publishing office in Tokyo. They were also twice as far from the high school Ash worked at than their apartment was.

At the end of the school year, the head of the school recognized Ash’s hard work and loyalty. Starting in April, Ash would become a part time assistant English teacher at the high school. He might still need to help with technology glitches, but he would no longer have to help Ōhara with maintenance work. The university approved the job change since Ash proved he could hold a job and still achieve academic success.

Ash headed out the door. Darby, the English teacher at the high school, wanted to meet with him before the school year began. Movement caught Ash’s eye. A dog sitting at the corner of the property began wagging his tail frantically when Ash approached. He was golden and on the large side. His demeanor was still like a puppy who only knew how to do the most basic of commands like a good boy.

“Again?” Ash asked in Japanese as the dog settled in a few paces behind him.

The dog barked once as if it was an affirmative. He appeared here and there around the area. No one seemed to own him and animal services had not caught him yet.

“You need a name,” Ash murmured. If he named the dog then he was a steep closer to owning the dog, which might not be a bad thing. He wanted to talk to Eiji about the dog first and read up on Japanese pet laws. Ash was not sure how Eiji felt about dogs. They saw a lot of dogs together in New York but never in a capacity to interact with any of them. Eiji never mentioned disliking dogs or acted put off by them. If Eiji liked them, maybe Eiji would like this one.

Ash stood at the bus stop and looked up at the sky. He was thinking about this dog too seriously. Just because the dog was friendly, sat at intersections before crossing, and wanted to follow him around did not mean it wanted to be a housedog. Ash glanced down at the dog, watching the dog’s ears perk as he watched the traffic pass as if he too would take the bus. Ash sighed. Owning the dog was probably a fantasy at most. It was also distracting him from thinking about his meeting with Darby. He could think about the dog when he came home.

 

~

 

When Eiji exited the station, the big golden dog was sitting at the exit as he did from time to time. The dog fell in step with Eiji as it always did. No one asked Eiji where the dog’s leash was or if the dog was his. The dog sat at the intersections and then crossed with Eiji as if they always did this. When they were in the residential area and away from the crowds, Eiji reached into his pocket. “I brought you something.”

The dog barked once and wagged his tail.

Eiji broke of a piece of leftover jerky and set it in front of the dog. The dog looked at it and then at Eiji.

“Eat it,” Eiji said.

The dog eagerly complied, practically inhaling the scrap.

Eiji smiled and knelt down, breaking the jerky into small pieces. The dog waited for Eiji to give permission before chowing down. The dog had no collar and likely no owner. His paws were muddy and his fur slightly matted. Eiji suspected he lived in the park near their home. He needed to talk to Ash about adopting the dog. If Ash agreed, they would need to register the dog and make sure he had his shots. They would need to get him a leash and all the things that came with having a dog. It would be a lot, but it also seemed exciting. “You need a name.”

The dog barked once and wagged his tail.

Eiji patted the dog’s head and then stood up. The dog walked with Eiji and then continued on to the park when Eiji turned towards the house. He had something bigger than the dog to discuss tonight.

Ash was in the living room studying at a desk they bought since moving. It was one of a few new pieces of furniture in the house, most of the added items to accommodate any guests or to make photography and studying easier. Eiji observed Ash for a long moment. He thought about all the ways he could approach this while on his way home on the train from a meeting with his first editor. He did not need permission or want permission, but he did not want to surprise Ash with this later either.

Eiji approached Ash. He put his arm over the back of the chair, kissing Ash’s face. He peered over Ash’s shoulder, skimming the Japanese text. “Another novel?” he asked in Japanese.

“Yeah,” Ash said. He looked at the page number and then set the book down. He removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Eiji walked around to the narrow end of the desk, gripping the edge with his hands. His eyebrows drew together.

Ash frowned. “What?”

“We need to talk about my next assignment.” Eiji did not avoid Ash’s gaze. “My first article was really popular. It sold a lot of copies and people really responded to it, so they want to send me to New York for two weeks to do a five years later follow up article.”

Ash said nothing. His shoulders tensed. His fingers curled. Several thoughts struck him at once, a mess of English and Japanese, mental images, fears, and counterpoints. He opened his mouth and closed it. After a long moment, he asked in English, “Will they even let you back into the country?”

“I was kidnapped,” Eiji said in English. “There were no charges and no visa problems.” He ran his thumb along the smooth surface of the desk. “I know it’s dangerous. I know it’s risky. I thought I settled it, but my photos do not say so. I want to do this. I need to do this.”

Everything Eiji pulled in New York returned to Ash and everything he pulled that could be indirectly or directly linked to Eiji soon followed. Even if Ash was dead twice over now, how many people were waiting for a chance to get revenge against Eiji? How many people would remember him? How many might try to do something to Eiji to see if Ash was truly dead? Had Eiji even considered this? Of course, the publisher could not understand all the dangers that might come from this. “You told me you have your own enemies.”

“I know, but many are dead.” The person Eiji crossed most was Dino and he did not think left loyal to him would want revenge for liberating Ash.

“What about Yut-Lung?” Ash asked.

Eiji let go of the desk. “You told me once I belong in New York. If Yut-Lung does not matter then, he does not matter now.” Eiji sighed. “When my editor first suggested it I said no. I thought I was done. Then I thought if I go, maybe my photos will change. Maybe I will find what I lost. I agreed the next time he asked. I must do this. You know I must.”

Ash said nothing. There were so many photos from the New York trip of so many subjects from people to places to interesting snippets of structures. Eiji’s photos since returning to Japan were far fewer and mostly personal with the occasional oddity. So many times in Japan Ash watched Eiji place his fingers together, peering through them at a potential subject, only for Eiji’s eyes to cloud over and his camera to remain in its bag. Eiji folded parts of himself away from view every day. When the night was hot and Japan did not fit right, Ash would find Eiji with the same frustration. Maybe Eiji did need this. Ash’s jaw tensed.

Ash stood up and moved deeper into the living room. He did not like it. His fingers and toes felt numb and the numbness spread through his extremities to his chest. His mind kept moving, coming up with new concerns with every thought. “I can’t go with you. I can never go back. You won’t have a weapon. The murder rate is out of control. You’ve probably got a target on your head.”

“I know.” Eiji remained by the desk, watching Ash pace. It was a gamble, reckless, and selfish. Even if Eiji had no history in the city, it would still be dangerous. He thought about turning down the assignment again, but it was too tempting. Like when Ibe urged him to go with him years ago, something in Eiji’s chest told him to agree this time.

Ash stood in the middle of the room. He held Eiji’s gaze. “What if you die?”

Eiji did not look away. “I won’t.”

“Eiji,” Ash said firmly.

“I will not,” Eiji said just as firmly.

“You don’t know that!”

“Neither do you!”

Silence stretched. Ash could not stand still. Eiji remained beside the desk.

Eventually Eiji walked over to Ash and took his hands. He licked his lips. “I am not me. I do not know why. I miss something. I do not know if it is in New York. I do not know if I can bring it back. I want to try.”

Ash looked away. All he could think of was Eiji’s hospital room, how the machines beeped and sighed. Ash spoke to Eiji in whispers there and his heart hurt with a faint but deep ache. When he took Eiji’s hand, it was so limp, so cold that Ash did not hold it long. Eiji’s hands were so warm now. Ash closed his eyes. His body was still numb. He still did not like it. He opened his eyes. “When do you go?”

“Before summer.” Eiji wanted to go before the university was on break. There were still things to gather and negotiate. He did not want to test the inevitable chaos of the Fourth of July. “I will come back,” his voice was very firm.

The numbness in Ash’s chest and his grip on Eiji’s hands began to ease. “If something happens, I’ll be on the first flight.” There would be nothing to lose.

“I know.” Eiji hoped it would not come to that. If things went that way, he doubted either of them would survive. His grip on Ash’s hands tightened. Hopefully he would not lose everything trying to reconnect with himself. Maybe this was a mistake. He had plenty of time to think about it.

 

~

 

With all the discussions about New York, Ash had not found time to talk to Eiji about the dog. Sure enough, when Ash stepped outside with a small carton of milk and bowl, the dog was sitting near their property. Ash set the bowl down on the driveway and poured the milk into it. The dog hurried over, sat near the bowl, and looked up at Ash expectantly.

Ash looked back at him. “It is delicious.”

The dog continued to watch him, wagging his tail as best he could while sitting.

What was the dog waiting for? Maybe the dog did not like milk. “Drink it.”

The dog stood up and happily started devouring the milk. As he drank the milk, the bowl filled with his fleas.

When the dog finished the milk, Ash patted his head. “This is for you.” He fastened a flea collar on the dog’s neck and rinsed the bowl out in the outdoor faucet before rinsing off his hands and wiping them on his jeans. Ash resolved to talk to Eiji about the dog that night when Eiji came home from the publisher. It was probably a matter of time before someone might capture the dog.

 

~

 

When Eiji neared the bus stop that evening, it was not long before the dog fell in step with him. He snorted a little. Eiji ruffled the dog’s fur and paused when he saw the collar. “Do you have an owner now? You should go home to them.”

The dog barked once and when the petting was over, he barked again and bounded over to Ash who approached quietly. The dog did not sit, but looked between Ash and Eiji perhaps hoping for multiple pettings. When that did not happen, the dog sat and wagged his tail.

“I see you met,” Ash said to Eiji and put a hand on the dog’s head briefly.

“He likes to walk with me sometimes.” Eiji joined them and ran his fingers along the dog’s ear.

“He needs a name.” Ash was not sure what to choose.

“He’s got a collar now. He probably doesn’t know how to be a house dog.” Eiji looked around but there was no one nearby looking for the dog.

“I did that.” Ash ran his fingers along the dog’s fur and then looked at Eiji. “I used to have a cat when I lived in a rat trap. I did the same for her.”

“I didn’t know you liked animals.” Eiji joined the petting and the dog’s tail wagged even faster.

“I only had her a year.” When the building changed hands, the landlord poisoned the rats the cat ate. Ash chased that part of the memory away. “What do you think?”

“If we take him, we’ll need things for him. We’ll have to take him to the vet and register him.” Eiji looked at Ash and grinned. Our dog?”

Ash looked at Eiji and then to the dog. “Yeah. Our dog.”

They headed home, throwing names out in Japanese and English, trying to find one that would stick. When they got to the house, the dog headed towards the park as he always did. Ash and Eiji whistled. The dog paused and looked at them.

“This way.” Eiji beckoned him.

The dog bounded over, smacking his head into their legs, tail wagging as fast as it could. They petted him and coaxed him into the house.

It was a scramble to make sure the house was dog proof. He had some training, always sitting and barking to be let out or in and still sat and waited to be told before eating and drinking. He wanted to bite the water from the shower had when they washed him and run through the house after. He did not seem to understand no in English or Japanese completely. Without toys, he tried to make do with anything he could find. Dinner was canned meat in a plastic bowl until they could get actual dog food tomorrow. The bowl quickly became a toy once the food was gone.

Buddy started as a filler name and soon graduated to actual name. When Ash settled down to study after supper, Buddy wandered over and leaned against Ash’s leg. Ash reached down and petted him absently. Buddy took it as an invitation to stretch out over Ash’s feet and fall asleep. After a while, Eiji joined them in the living room and turned on the television to a quiet volume.

Ash’s pencil paused. His mind wandered from the sound of Eiji laughing quietly at the television to the weight of Buddy at his feet. There was so much to lose now. How long would it last? Could he really keep this? Probably not all of it but maybe at least part of it. Ash turned the pencil in his fingers and looked out the window. He needed to hold onto this as long as possible.

 

~

 

Eiji never had a pet before Buddy. There was so much to buy, so many things to do, and so much more cleaning to share. When Eiji woke, sometimes Buddy was asleep beside his side of the futon and sometimes by Ash’s side of the futon. Buddy loved to go with Eiji on his runs and the house was not as quiet when Ash was not home. Sometimes Buddy would bound down the stairs and jump the last few steps landing with a loud thud that Eiji was not sure he would ever get used to hearing.

Eiji called Buddy to the front door. When Buddy skittered to a halt, Eiji hooked the leash onto his tag collar and headed out into the warm evening. They passed by some neighbors gossiping. Eiji tried not to eavesdrop but it was too easy to hear the conversation shift. The house gave Ash and Eiji freedoms no apartment ever could, but it could not free them from observant, nosy neighbors. Today’s speculation was there was trouble between Ash and Eiji. The neighbors thought Ash seemed sullen that morning. Clearly, Eiji must have a girlfriend. It sounded as if they were discussing a television show.

“Someday I’m going to give them something to talk about,” Eiji murmured to Buddy once they were out of earshot.

Buddy offered a supportive bark.

They walked across the river to a flower market. The market had no doors and opened up to the street. Buddy sat out of the way and Eiji let the colors of the flowers guide him. He found himself surrounded by warm tones. There were bouquets that looked like various stages of the sun throughout the day and others that looked like fire. Eiji selected a mixture of red, pink, and orange roses of varying shades. It felt celebratory.

The walk back was quiet and uneventful allowing Eiji’s mind to turn towards the New York trip. He had two months until he left. When he went to New York, his heart would occasionally flutter in anticipation as weeks of waiting became days became hours. Even with his mind feeling wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, Eiji could not escape his excitement back then. What would have happened if it had been two weeks? What if Ash had been just a cute guy on the first shoot? Would Eiji still be working for Sugihara now? Would he be living paycheck-to-paycheck working as some kind of photographer? Maybe he would have gone back to university and done something else with his life. Maybe he would have come back to Japan, fell back into depressive habits, and let his mind swallow him whole.

The wind picked up and Eiji kept the flowers close. When Eiji thought of New York now, his heart ached. He wanted to see the sun rising and setting between the buildings. He wanted to feel the urgency and rush of the people. Despite everything bad that happened, there was so much to see and do in-between. Maybe he would see someone he met along the way in the sea of people. There were about as many people in New York as there was in the entire Kanagawa Prefecture, so chances might be slim even if Eiji would be in the same areas.

Buddy tugged on the leash. Eiji looked up ahead where Ash approached the house from the direction of the bus stop. Eiji let go of the leash and Buddy zoomed off towards Ash, who managed to brace himself before Buddy could head-butt him in the legs. Eiji followed at a relaxed pace.

“Who are those for?” Ash straightened after greeting Buddy.

“My girlfriend. They neighbors said I have one.” Eiji grinned. “Are you jealous?”

Ash snorted. “I am.” He let them into the house.

Once the door closed, Eiji held out the flowers. “For the new teacher.” His grin grew.

Ash took them. Like all of Eiji’s bouquets, they were bright, fragrant, and had a touch of romance. He stepped out of the way in time for Buddy to rush off to inspect the house. Ash held Eiji’s gaze and the warmth in his stomach grew. All the words surging forth from the warmth felt trite, contrived, or could not convey what Ash knew. Even so, the time was here. The time was now.

Eiji did not look away. He titled his head to the side. Ash seemed so serious like every single time he told or asked Eiji to stay by his side. Eiji did not move and did not speak.

Ash stepped closer and leaned down, his lips beside Eiji’s ear. “I love you,” he said in Japanese, using the verb that indicated Eiji was the only person for him, that maybe their bond was deeper than English could ever express it. The word existed between them and only them, a secret not to be over-repeated lest it lose all meaning.

Eiji heard it. He swore he heard it. His heart raced with his mind. Of course, they were standing in the entryway. Of course, he had only one shoe off. Of course, it was the end of a workday. Of course, that was when Ash chose to do this.

Ash gripped the bouquet tighter. The longer Eiji stared at him, the more the hair on the back of his neck stood on end, and the more the warmth in his stomach seemed to flutter. He meant that word and the gravity behind it. He would not take it back even if perhaps the silence might mean he should not have said it.

Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash’s shoulders and hugged him tight, not caring if he ended up crushing the flowers. Ash returned the hug. “I love you,” Eiji said, using the same verb. He felt that way for a long time now, but chose to keep it close. He kissed Ash.

Thunder sounded down the stairs followed by a brief pause and a loud landing. Buddy skittered away, off to check on the downstairs.

Eiji’s laughter turned into a small noise of surprise when Ash kissed his neck.

Ash stepped back. “For later,” he said with a smirk and then took the flowers towards the kitchen.

Eiji took a step out of the entryway and remembered his remaining shoe. He kicked it off and put on his slippers before following. There were so many laters some sooner than others. He wanted to know how much later it might be.

 

~

 

The weather grew warmer and wetter. Many students at the high school called Ash Karen-sensei now. Ash’s mind wandered as took the bus home from work. He could still remember how forcefully Eiji shoved him and the noise Eiji made when the slug hit. He could still remember the steady rhythm of Eiji’s heart monitor. He could still remember almost touching Eiji’s fingertips in the hallway before Eiji pulled his hand back and shouted for Ash to go. His mind could see all the possible futures splintering from that moment. Had he grabbed Eiji’s hand, maybe the cops would have taken him, maybe they could have run and hid somewhere, maybe Eiji would have collapsed and Ash would have had to run alone anyway. If they ran away together how long until the cops reached them? Until Dino’s men caught up to them? Until Yut-Lung caught up to them? Until Eiji’s wound caught up to them? If Ash did not decide to get on the plane how long would he have survived? Would he have faked his death? Would he survive but resign himself to never seeing Eiji again?

Ash did not want to end up at a hospital in New York at Eiji’s bedside again. He did not want to collect Eiji from the airport in a wheelchair. He did not want Eiji to end up a grave across an ocean. He did not want to spend Eiji’s last night in Japan arguing about it either after deciding to accept this would happen weeks ago. Ash glanced past the people sitting in front of the windows. It was dark outside the bus. Was Eiji’s inspiration really connected to New York or was Japan just suffocating him? Was this really the right way to recover it? Ash sighed silently and let his eyes scan the posters on the bus.

Buddy shoved his nose into the camera bag and then into the larger bag. After helping Eiji triple check them, he barked. Eiji patted his head and then zipped up the bags. Eiji sighed and then laid down on the floor, stretching. Tomorrow after lunch, he would go to Narita and catch his flight. Eiji placed his fingers along his shirt, feeling his gunshot wound under the fabric. Was this really the right thing to do? Would this really help him creatively? Everyone he met back then was teenagers or barely adults. Five years later how many of them would be left? How many of them still alive would still be gang members? Or maybe still involved in crime? How many would remember him? How many would care? Eiji was not sure if he wanted to run into anyone he knew at all. He suspected his editor might in the hopes for another exciting article.

Eiji closed his eyes and visualized the sunlight against the ocean out the plane windows. He visualized the coastline appearing slowly, how it gave way to cityscapes. He could almost hear the hum of the plane in his ears. He could almost smell the recycled air.

Buddy stuck his nose in Eiji’s face, breaking him from his thoughts. Eiji put a hand on Buddy’s fur and then sat up slowly. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” His knee cracked when he stood. He looked to the clock. He had enough time to take Buddy for a walk before Ash came home.

 

~

 

Hours later, a mixtape of Japanese and English songs continued to play from the living room. Ash sat on the bathroom floor, leaned against the tile of the shower wall, and closed his eyes. He heard Eiji groan softly before settling down beside him. The room was humid and the angle of the shower hose sent the spray flying towards the opposite wall rather than directly down on them. Ash felt more than saw Eiji lean against him.

Their sex life was a series of ways to get each other off with their mouths and their hands, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, sometimes greedy, needy, teasing. Ash’s body relaxed in ways his past never allowed. He existed in darkness, in warmth, for as long as his mind would let him before it began to think beyond pleasure. It was different from other nights before Eiji left on a long assignment. The touches were longer, lingering, greedier, and more enveloping. As the room began to lose heat, Ash felt both of them slowly tensing.

Eiji reached up and shut the shower off. Neither of them made a move for the tub or for a towel. The final song on the B-side of the tape began to play. Once it finished, the music would stop.

“We cannot remain on the floor,” Ash murmured.

“Not with that attitude,” Eiji replied in the same type of murmur.

Ash nudged him and then stood up and helped Eiji to his feet. One kiss led to another and they held onto each other tightly. Everything seemed faster, the clock ticked closer. All too soon, it would be time to sleep, time to wake, and time to say goodbye.

 

~

 

New York City opened up to Eiji, just as beautiful and grimy as it ever was. The landmarks stood firm and the buildings grew more familiar as he headed into Manhattan. Eiji packed light, keeping his camera bag in his main bag, and keeping that bag strapped onto him and against him. He kept aware of the people around him on the bus. After checking into the hotel, Eiji took only his camera bag with him and headed to an Italian restaurant he went to during the summer when there was nothing much to do but Ibe’s articles while Ash was in prison.

The atmosphere in the restaurant seemed the same and the food smelled just as enticing. Eiji gravitated towards a small table where most would not notice him but he could leave immediately if necessary. He was still going through the menu when he realized a tall man headed his way. Eiji kept his menu up, but his eyes on the man.

“I thought it was you.” The tall man was Chinese and had broad shoulders. “Almost didn’t recognize you with the hair.”

Eiji blinked. He knew that voice even if it was much deeper now. “Sing?”

Sing laughed. “I guess I changed too.”

It was too easy to remember Sing at fourteen doing his best to fill Shorter’s shoes or the Sing at fifteen dragged into Ash’s troubles or the Sing at sixteen who took the time to visit Eiji before he returned to Japan. This Sing was nineteen and Eiji did not know what kind of life he lived now. Even so, Eiji invited Sing to join him at the table. They ordered food and once the waitress left, Eiji said, “Word got out I was here.”

“Yeah,” Sing said. His haircut was a little longer than the last time they saw each other. The watch on his wrist and the sunglasses hooked onto the collar of his t-shirt looked expensive.

Eiji leaned back in his seat. No one else paid attention to them. His best strategy was to tell enough truth to be believable but not so much truth he compromised his life in Japan. “I work for a publisher. I am here on business. I do not plan to do anything,” he tried to think of the right word, “ambitious.”

Sing nodded. He ran a finger along the edge of the napkin at his place. He ran his tongue along his teeth, leaned forward, and then asked, “Did you hear?” He paused. “About Ash?”

Eiji’s heart tightened. He breathed in through his nose. He did not want to think about it. He could not contact Ash on this trip. He had no way of knowing what might happen in Japan. He could go home and find only Buddy, Ash’s dead body, or even just an empty house and bad news. Eiji nodded. “Yeah.”

“Sorry. I didn’t know if –”

“It’s okay.” Eiji hoped he looked sad and not secretive. “I mean it’s not okay. I…” he tried to think of the best way to put it.

Their food came made with care and quality. Eiji’s pizza was thin and soft. Sing’s pasta was spicy and meaty. The conversation turned to less serious things. When they finished eating and stepped outside, the sun had almost set. Eiji put his hands in his pockets and headed to the bus stop. Eiji’s shoulders relaxed, but he kept aware of those around them.

Sing fell in step with him. “I’m surprised you came back.”

Eiji considered his answer. “I must do this. I must say goodbye to this place.” He paused and then added, “I must say goodbye to him.” Or at least say goodbye to all the nightmares that still haunted him. Eiji did not look at Sing.

The bus Eiji needed approached the bus stop.

“I start in the morning. I should go.” Eiji bid Sing goodbye. On the bus, Eiji remained aware of the people around him but let his mind wander a little. Could he really keep up the pretense that Ash was dead? How could he justify only coming to New York for two weeks? If Ash died, Eiji would turn inward. The days would bleed together and it would be hard to roll out of bed. The word would be cotton and there would be nothing to tie Eiji to this earth. He would not fear death, but he would not seek it out on purpose either. There would be no reason to remain in Japan. He would have found a way to immigrate and never look back years ago by now. Was that something Yut-Lung, Sing, or any of the other people he knew here be able to deduce? Eiji sighed and ran his fingers along the strap of his camera bag. Eiji did not want to spend two weeks thinking about Ash’s death, but he had no choice. He had to get through this without exposing his secrets.

 

~

 

Taking care of a dog with two people was one thing, but with one person, it was a lot. The sun was barely in the sky and it was already hot and very humid. Ash stumbled along, keeping the loop of the leash around his wrist so he would not let go. It took Buddy a while to realize this was not a run and settle into an excitable walking pace. The first morning Eiji was gone, Ash thought he could just let Buddy sleep in and leave him some food before going to university. Ash came home to a dog who spent all day trying to capture the excitement of morning runs. It was a disaster and meant mandatory morning walks. When Ash got home at night, there was an evening walk that Ash would taken Buddy on even when Eiji was normally home if Eiji had not taken Buddy on one yet. A little voice in Ash’s mind that sounded like Blanca told him to work on his stamina.

Buddy turned down their street and Ash let him lead. He did not know if Buddy took them home after about an hour because he had enough or he knew there would be food. The route was always different but the duration the same. When they got inside the house, Buddy sniffed about the entryway. He looked up at Ash.

“I know. I know,” Ash murmured in English. He headed off to make them both breakfast. He looked at the clock. It would be almost evening in New York. Ash shook his head. He did not want to think about it.

Buddy walked up and wiped his face on Ash’s jeans. Ash sighed. “Why?” he asked in Japanese. He put food in Buddy’s dish and fresh water in his bowl. He needed coffee.

 

~

 

A grimy, gritty quality permeated New York. Colorful, artistic graffiti offset the dinge and the polished areas of the city tried to pretend the city still cared despite the increase in abandoned buildings. Eiji looked up at the train tracks and breathed through his nose. Sing stood at his side. Eiji started with the bar on his first morning and soon after arriving there, Sing appeared and stuck with him until it was time for Eiji to return to the hotel. Now they met every morning for breakfast near wherever Eiji wanted to explore. Eiji tried to stay quiet for the most part. Less conversation meant less chance of hinting in some weird way that Ash was still alive. The silence was not stifling and seemed to be a good enough strategy. Even if they said little to each other, Eiji was glad for the company.

“I don’t get it,” Sing said.

Eiji had his camera ready to capture the next train across the tracks. He moved only his eyes to glance at Sing.

Sing assessed their surroundings and then turned his attention back to Eiji. “Is this a guilt thing?”

“It’s a train thing.”

The sun peeked through the clouds. Eiji hoped the train would come before things looked too sunny or too overcast.

“At the tracks Ash fell off.”

Eiji continued to keep his camera at the ready. The area was dirtier than it seemed when Eiji sat with everyone else waiting for the police wagon to take them to jail. When Eiji and Sing arrived earlier that morning, they heard gunshots down the street. There was still open access around the tracks and a place to stand that would not disrupt any traffic. “I need to see all of it. I cannot hide from the bad.” Eiji listened for any sound of an oncoming train.

“You don’t have to seek it out either.” Sing put his hands in his pockets.

Standing at this angle it was easy for Eiji to remember his heart in his ears and the pain in his chest when Ash’s blood appeared in the growing sunrise. Why had he called out to Ash? What possessed him to interrupt that fight? Eiji gripped his camera tighter. How had Ash survived that fall? His body dropping to the concrete was so clear in Eiji’s mind still. Maybe Americans were right about drinking gallons of milk being the key to invincible bones.

Sing shifted his weight. He looked away from Eiji. He was not sure what happened when someone died. Maybe everyone was responsible for their own afterlife. Maybe there was nothing waiting for any of them. He was almost amazed Ash was not haunting them, banging on the fence nearby trying to get Eiji to go back to Japan or at least to find something happier to remember.

A train barreled down the tracks. Eiji’s hands remained steady as his camera took multiple shots. When the train passed, he lowered his camera. “Maybe this will not work. I can only try.” Eiji turned to Sing. “You do not have to stay.”

“I want to.” Sing followed Eiji back towards the nicer parts of the city.

Eiji watched the people and buildings they passed, his mind on potential shots but also the schedule for the day. Police cars sped by with their sirens wailing. Eiji did not have to look to know Sing was watching him again. Was he Yut-Lung’s eyes and ears? Was he here on his own accord? There was no hint either way yet. Eiji sighed. One week was almost done and he was still alive and uninjured. There was still so much to do.

 

~

 

It was early Sunday morning, Ash’s one day he could sleep in, and he was already awake. Sprinkles tapped lightly against the window. Buddy slept soundly on the floor beside Eiji’s side of the king-sized futon. Ash could not remember the dream that woke him, but it was a relief to know he still had his feet. He put his hand to his chest. His heart would not stop racing and the longer he remained prone, the more his hair stood on end. He sighed and gave up on sleep eventually making his way down the stairs, sitting on the bottom most steps. The house was silent. He could see evidence in the dim light he needed to sweep. He was good at keeping down big messes and dishes piling up but smaller chores got away from him. The rain continued to sprinkle. It reminded him of the last time he saw his mom.

He remembered the cadence of her voice more than anything else about her voice now. He could still remember the way she did her hair and how the curls would tickle his face. He was older now than she was the last time he saw her. They lived in the house he lived with Griff later but the lights were always on and there was proper heating. She read to him, fed him, and played with him. When she had things to do in the afternoon and evening, Griff would come watch him. The older Ash got, the less time she had for him, the more her hair seemed to frizz than curl, and the more time he spent with Griff.

The last time he saw her, it was early morning and only just starting to rain. He woke up wanting a drink and found her in her raincoat at the door. After she got him some milk, she kissed his face and told him to go back to bed and Griff would be there when he woke. Her smile seemed strained and her hands shaky. At least, that was how he chose to remember that moment. Griff did not appear until late afternoon like he always did and had no idea Ash’s mom was gone all day. Ash did not know why he lived in the little house with his mom or why Griff moved into the little house or why the only electricity they used was in the kitchen after she left.

Ash draped his arms over his knees and shook his head to clear it. Heavy but gentle thumps bounced down the stairs and then Buddy sat beside him on the same step Ash’s feet rested on. Ash slid down the steps so he could sit beside Buddy, stroking his fur. He let out a long sigh. “Come on.” Ash stood and let Buddy outside. The wind was warm despite the rain and there was a slight breeze. Ash closed the door behind him and leaned against it. The rain moistened his face. He looked down at his feet. He still did not feel like sleeping. He could not remember the dream and he was not sure he wanted to.

 

~

 

Eiji only had a few more days in New York. The entire sky was orange, illuminating the Statue of Liberty in the distance across the water even though the sun was behind them. Eiji and Sing had containers of steamed jiaozi filled with pork, scallions, and cabbage. Eiji finished his jiaozi and set the container aside. He was tempted to return later that night when the moon would rise near the statue but the photo concept seemed overdone and not worth the risk of being out in the city so late.

Eiji and Sing dumped their trash in the nearest bin and set off along the shoreline. The light grew dimmer and the streetlights brighter. Sing breathed deeply and then said, “You trust me too much.”

Eiji tensed. He kept walking, hands in his pockets, aware of the people and noise around them. His mind flew through all the responses he could make, of all the things Sing could mean. The statement was true enough but was it a warning? An observation? Eiji took a deep breath. “Are you here to kill me?”

Sing did not reply.

The wind remained stubbornly absent and the air dry. Eiji licked his lips and stopped walking. He bit his tongue. This was where he was supposed to run or perhaps fight back. Sing was bigger than Ash and anyone might lurk in the shadows. People passed them without incident. The only sounds Eiji could hear were the ambient noises of the city. In this moment, Ash was supposed to be dead. In this moment, everyone would assume that Eiji had no one to tie him to this Earth. He could not run. He could not start a fight. Maybe Sing was not here to kill him. Maybe Yut-Lung was watching. Maybe Eiji was taking this too dramatically. Maybe drama would aid him. Eiji took another deep breath and moved the strap of his camera bag to his shoulder so it no longer protected his chest. He smoothed down his t-shirt and opened his arms, meeting Sing’s gaze. “Then kill me.” He did not dare breathe.

Sing’s eyes widened when Eiji spoke. He murmured something to himself in Chinese and closed the distance between them in one stride.

Eiji sucked in his stomach and tried not to close his eyes.

Sing reached out, cradling Eiji’s head in his hand and drew Eiji closer.

There was no pain. There was no blood. Sing hugged Eiji tight. Eiji’s glasses dislodged but did not fall from his face. He could hear Sing’s heart beating rapidly.

“I’m not here to kill you,” Sing said in a firm whisper. “Is that why you came back?”

Eiji closed his eyes. What could he say? What should he say? Was he really going to let Sing assume that? Eiji did not hug Sing back, wanting to keep his hands free. The longer they stood without anyone approaching them, without Sing doing anything unusual, the more Eiji could believe the hug was not a ploy. Eiji bit his lip and his heart tightened. Sing thought that Eiji took Ash’s death so hard his life now had no meaning. Sing was trying to be there for him and Eiji was going to let Sing believe all of those conjectures were true. His fingers slowly gripped Sing’s shirt, holding onto him while keeping his arms free. “Sorry,” he murmured. For lying. For letting this moment become so heavy. For giving Sing such a burden.

Sing slowly let Eiji go. They stepped away from each other.

“I do not plan to die.” Eiji fixed his bag so that the strap rested across his body once more.

“Could have fooled me.” Sing put his hands on top of his head and let out a long, low breath.

They walked towards the bus stop. Eiji was lucky. He was so lucky. He could not look at Sing. His heart still ached. He wanted to go home. He wanted to run through the streets of their ward. He wanted to cook familiar food. He wanted to bury his face in Buddy’s fur and curl up with Ash on the couch. He wanted to stop lying. He wanted to stop mourning the living. Eiji looked up at the dark sky. He still had a few more days. He had to keep going.

 

~

 

Yokohama was mild. The air pressure built and rain continued to spritz from the sky off and on throughout the afternoon. Pencils stopped writing and then picked back up again. Someone tapped their foot against the empty desk in front of them. The term was almost over for the high school and Ash was in charge of overseeing study sessions for struggling students while Darby graded assignments in the teachers’ office. Ash let the students lead the study session and drew on things from his experiences learning French, Spanish, and Japanese, not following a set theory but his own instincts. Right now, the students were translating extra sentences Darby gave him to write on the board at the start of the session.

Ash turned his attention outside and scanned the clouds. It would still be dark in New York, the start of the day that was slowly ending in Japan. Eiji could be asleep right now. He could be dead. Ash’s jaw tightened. In some ways, the lack of contact helped. Ash did not know what dumb things Eiji might be doing. In other ways, it allowed Ash’s mind more time to consider all the ways this could end. His lips pressed into a thin line.

One by one, the pencils stilled completely. No one was kicking any desks. The students’ whispers turned towards gossip and music instead of English, though they kept speaking English like an unspoken compromise. It was tempting to let them keep talking. Ash turned to the classroom. “Alright. Let’s go over the translations,” he said in English. “Who wants to write the first answer on the board?” No hands went up. The rain continued to pick up intensity. It would not be long before they could all go home.

 

~

 

It was Eiji’s last morning in New York. The sun shone overhead and the temperature climbed. After checking out of the hotel, Eiji met Sing for breakfast. They sat out of the way of prying eyes but in a direct line with the door. Half way through eating, Sing said, “You know, if you want to stay, I’ve got a two bedroom place.”

Eiji kept his water glass near his lips though he was no longer drinking from it. If Ash were dead, once Eiji took possession of that bank account, he would have moved to New York permanently. Sing, as far as Eiji knew, did not know about the account. Eiji’s watch was the same one he left New York with years ago and all his clothing was well worn and not fancy or too trendy. If Ash was dead and Eiji had no means to return to New York permanently yet, would he have tried? If he had not tried would he take Sing up on this offer? Sing was at his side through the whole assignment as a friend and probably as a way to ensure Eiji did not run into trouble. He owed Sing a genuine decline if nothing else. Eiji set his glass down.

“When you showed up, you were nervous and quiet,” Sing said, “but now you seem more like yourself. I don’t know what you came here to find, but maybe you could find more of it if you stayed.”

Eiji ran his thumb along his glass. He did not look away from Sing. He could lie or say things that might sound truthful or convincing. Sing did not deserve that. Maybe Eiji gave Sing too many liberties again, maybe he trusted Sing too much, but he did not want to disrespect Sing either. “I have someone in Japan. I came to say goodbye to this place,” a small pause, “to Ash for that person and my sake.”

“Is he nice?”

Eiji blinked. When he spoke vaguely of Ash in Japan, everyone usually assumed Ash was a woman. Eiji smiled. “He is. I am very lucky.” Eiji leaned back in his seat. “Thank you for helping me.”

Sing nodded. “Send me the article when it comes out.” He wrote an address on the napkin and handed it to Eiji.

Eiji pocketed it. “I will.” He would keep the promise but not give away his return address when he did.

After breakfast, they said goodbye and Eiji got on the bus to the airport. He watched the buildings move past the window. It was different from when he left with Ibe. Eiji thought back then he could say goodbye forever, that everything about New York was behind him, but it was just something to tell himself for his own sake. Eiji exhaled. His heartbeat calmed and his soul centered. His lips turned into a small smile. He would never return to the city.

 

~

 

It was the longest Monday. Classes crawled. The commutes dragged. Ash geared the study session at the high school towards the upcoming final exam. There were more students present than previous sessions and there were more questions. The bus home ambled along. By the time Ash entered the house, fog began to gather. Eiji’s shoes rested neatly in the entryway. “I’m home!” Ash called out. There was no answer but within a few minutes, Buddy tore down the hallway and barreled into him, wagging his tail excitedly. Ash petted Buddy and let him out before heading deeper into the house. He found Eiji in the living room stretched out on the sofa. Ash rested his arms on the top of the sofa and watched Eiji’s rhythmic, steady breathing as he slept. There were no visible bruises or signs of blood or bandages lurking. Eiji’s fingers still held his place in the book on his stomach. His glasses were askew on his face. He was sound asleep.

Ash gently removed the glasses and carefully pried the book from Eiji’s hands. He placed them on the desk. He ran his fingers through Eiji’s hair briefly and then went to check on Buddy. There was probably enough time for a walk before Eiji woke.

 

~

 

In his dream, Eiji lay in a tub of ice. He needed to open his eyes wider but they also felt like they were open too wide. He heard voices on the other side of the curtain, speaking an unintelligible mix of Japanese, English, and Chinese. His heart pounded and his nails dug into his chest. He needed his heart to calm down. He needed his eyes wider. A buzzing started in his ears, drowning out the voices.

Sing pulled the curtain back and dumped more ice into the tub. Ash appeared over Sing’s shoulder. The buzzing increased, becoming a series of rings.

Eiji’s eyes snapped open. The ringing continued. He got up and hurried to the phone, but when he answered, there was only the dial tone. Eiji rubbed his face and then touched the bridge of his nose. His glasses were not on the floor or the sofa. He found them on the desk on top of his book. “Ash?” he called out. There was no answer. He did not hear Buddy either. Eiji looked at the clock. He hurried to the entryway. Ash’s bag was there but not his shoes or the leash. Ash and Buddy were probably not far. Eiji tried to guess which route Ash would take. Eiji headed towards the park and after a while, Buddy rushed to him, tail wagging as excitedly as it had when Eiji came home hours ago. Eiji ruffled Buddy’s ears and petted him.

Ash jogged up, slowing when he saw Eiji.

Eiji looked up and smiled. He gave Buddy a couple more pets and stood up straight. “I’m home,” he said in Japanese.

“Welcome home,” Ash said. He reached out and lightly pressed a fist to Eiji’s arm.

“Are we on a sitcom now?” Eiji mimicked the gesture. “Should I write our names under an umbrella?”

Ash snorted. “Do you want me to kiss you in the middle of the road?”

Eiji held Ash’s gaze for a long moment. The fog was light and a warm misty rain began to fall with the occasional splatting raindrop. “Yes.”

There were no fences, walls, or hills to hide them from the apartments and houses around them. There were no cars, bikes, or pedestrians walking towards them. Ash held Eiji’s gaze. He took a step forward and put a hand on Eiji’s shoulder. He leaned in and whispered, “Are you sure?”

Eiji did not care where they were. The fog enveloped the street and muffled the rain. It felt so much more private than it was. “Yeah.”

Ash smirked against his ear and kissed it. He moved away and picked the leash up off the ground.

Eiji took a moment and then rolled his eyes. “Really?”

“It was a kiss,” Ash said in that same tone he would use if Eiji started talking in Japanese at him in New York years ago. He headed in the direction of home. Buddy led the way happily.

Eiji fell into step with them. He took his glasses off when they became too foggy and hung them on the neck of his t-shirt. “I want a redo,” Eiji said in English.

“No redoes,” Ash said. He let his fingers catch Eiji’s fingers, hooking them together before unhooking them just as quickly.

Eiji grasped Ash’s hand and let it go. They walked closer together. When they got home, Buddy raced off to his water bowl. Eiji removed his glasses from his shirt and placed them in his shoe before he stepped up out of the entryway so his head was closer to Ash’s height. He motioned Ash over and then kissed his ear and stepped back. “No redoes,” he said and grinned

Ash grasped Eiji’s hand just in case Eiji might dart away playfully.

Eiji did not plan to dart away. He slipped his hand out of Ash’s grasp and then hugged him tight, burying his face in Ash’s neck. Ash hugged him back, their bodies pressing together. Eiji’s fingers curled into Ash’s shirt. After a long moment, he kissed Ash’s face and then kissed him properly. The kiss lasted and lingered with breaths in-between. Finally, their foreheads rested against each other and Eiji slid his fingers through Ash’s hair so his hands held Ash’s head. Ash’s hands rested on Eiji’s hips. Their eyes closed.

The only noise in the house was Buddy. They could smell remnants of the fog and still taste their kisses. They could feel only each other. So many things happened and so many things waited for them. Right now, they were home.

 

**To be continued…**


	10. Part Five: Home, Chapter Ten: Home Is Who You Make of It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Ten, in which Ash and Eiji take a vacation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Ten, in which Ash and Eiji take a vacation.  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, the Okumura family, Shorter Wong; Ash/Eiji  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 6,485  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** language, disorientation, mention of drug use  
>  **Chapter Notes** I wanted to expand a bit more on things in this chapter but every time I tried it fell apart on me, so I trimmed things back and did my best.

 

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Five: Home  
Chapter Ten: Home Is Who You Make of It**

The night was quiet. Ash read on the sofa with Eiji’s head resting against his thigh, Eiji’s legs slung over the arm of the sofa. Eiji’s eyes were closed and his glasses on the desk. Ash twisted strands of Eiji’s hair around his fingers as he continued reading. Buddy stretched and rolled so he was more comfortable on Ash’s feet. Ash finished the chapter and set the book down, leaning back against the sofa.

The strands of hair slipped form Ash’s fingers, Eiji rolled off the couch quickly, managing to miss Buddy as he stood up and looked around. His eyes were wide and his chest visibly moved with each breath. Eiji scanned the ceiling, the walls, and then stared briefly on Ash. Then he put both his hands over his eyes, pressing them firmly against his eyelids.

Ash stood up and looked at the doorway and the window. He listened. There was only Eiji’s breathing and Buddy’s tags when Buddy stood up and shook out his coat. There were no unusual shadows, smells, or threats. Ash looked at Eiji.

Eiji ran his hands down his face. He drew his elbows inwards. “A walk,” he murmured in English. “I am having a fucking walk.” A pause. “Taking.” He retrieved his glasses on the desk. “You can come too if you want.”

“Sure.” Ash picked his book off the floor and tossed it towards the desk. They left Buddy at home.

It was late enough that the only house lights they passed came from presumed bedrooms. The air was humid with a slight breeze. Eiji led the way. They did not speak. Residential homes gave way to apartments. They took a road with circles pressed into the pavement that led up where they could see out over rooves on one side of the road while a high wall rose on the other side. The clouds continued to pass. The moon was not up yet. Occasionally they passed someone going the other way. The road smoothed out and they headed up several outdoor steps. Eventually they came to a park with no lights. There were apartments across the street from the entrance and across another street along the side of the park there was a small yard and several houses that did not directly face the park. They were alone.

Eiji stepped up onto the bench of the picnic table and sat on the top of the picnic table. Ash settled down beside him. It was not the first time they sat here at night. Ash watched the trees rustle in the wind. The insects grew louder. Sometimes animals passed.

“It was familiar but hollow,” Eiji said just above a whisper, still speaking in English. “It was bright and dirty, dark and shiny. They eat their own. Everything will vanish in a tower of white.” He brought his feet up onto the tabletop, folded his arms over his knees, and curled up on himself. “You were always with me. You were always a ghost. I had to believe that.”

Ash kept his feet on the bench of the picnic table. He rested his arms on his knees. He looked at Eiji who was mostly shadow with occasional illumination form the distant streetlight. “You didn’t have to.”

“Sing found me by supper when I arrived. He was there at breakfast. He had power, but he tried to hide it. I thought he would kill me but I think he was worried.”

Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. His fingers curled. He looked at the apartment complex through the trees. “Did he figure it out?”

“Everyone knows without you I crumble. He asked me to stay. I said I had someone in Japan.”

“Eiji –”

“Almost truth is better than a whole lie.” Eiji let his feet slowly return to the bench. “Without you…New York would be my home. If I am in Japan, then it must be love. There is no other reason.” It was the biggest risk of the trip. How many times had Eiji told Ash he would go crazy if Ash died? How many people heard him say that? How many times had Eiji put his life at risk for Ash? How many people watched Ash give Eiji leeway no one else had? How many people saw them gravitate towards each other repeatedly? How many people would believe Eiji could give up Ash’s memory for someone in Japan? How many people might assume the truth from that? What else could he have told Sing that was remotely believable? Eiji sighed.

Ash looked behind them but there were only trees and beyond that a walking path. He could not hear anyone back there. His eyes scanned around them, but they were still alone. Ash’s gaze returned to Eiji. Eiji was stubborn, strong, and kind. He did not put up with shit, but he also listened. Eiji’s heartbeat was steady, he held Ash sincerely, tightly. Eiji was artistic, warm, and inviting. Ash knew Eiji could do better than him. Maybe everyone else knew that too. There had to be someone out there that would hold Eiji just as tight if Ash had died. Someone out there who could deal with the craziness Eiji always claimed would happen. There had to be someone out there who felt their breath rush out, their heart pound, and their impulse control weaken considerably around Eiji. Someone Eiji could feel the same rush with and heal with if Ash had died in New York. There had to be someone in Japan like that. Maybe no one would immediately assume Ash was in Japan with Eiji. Maybe people already figured as much and those that might care were dead.

Ash realized Eiji was staring back at him and blinked. How long had they both been staring at each other? What kind of stupid teen romcom nonsense was this?

“Sorry,” Eiji said.

“They would figure it out eventually.” Ash stood up on the bench and put his fingers in his pockets, his thumbs in his belt loops.

Eiji looked up at Ash and then stood up on the tabletop, careful of the edge. He put his hands on his hips and grinned. “I am taller now.”

Ash snorted.

Eiji leaned down and rested his hands on Ash’s face, smooching him quickly. He let Ash go and stepped down carefully to the bench and then to the ground.

Ash stepped down onto the ground and they took a different route home than they took to get to the park. There were hardly any lights on in the houses and apartments they passed. They reached out to each other and let their fingers hooking together before holding each other’s hand. They did not let go.

 

~

 

The sun cast a perfect beam onto the floor from the window. The computer hummed endlessly. It was a reliable model that Eiji bought a while after they moved into the house. It sat on a small desk beside the larger one near the window. Buddy tossed his ball into the air and chased it about the room. Eiji rested his chin on his hand. He already turned his film into negatives and the negatives into personal prints. He was not sure which part of the film he would sell to the publisher would end up in the article, but he could make educated guesses to help frame the article. Except words eluded him. He flipped the pages of his notebook aimlessly, listening to the snap of each page striking against his skin. He needed a personal angle to the article that ran deeper than simply returning to familiar places only to find them abandoned or too dangerous to linger. Eiji let his notebook close.

He had all the photos relevant to both trips to New York in their respective albums in a stack on the larger desk next to him. Eiji picked the oldest album up and started flipping through it. The photos started out with buildings, landmarks, and cultural events. There were a few photos of Cape Cod along with photos of Ash and Shorter and some photos from their road trip across America. Then there was a large gap until photos of New York started again. Eiji paused at the time gap. It started with photos of Ash, Shorter, and Eiji in the back of the truck. The first photo was Ash and Shorter lounging from a distance. Then there was a shot of Shorter with his arm over Eiji’s shoulders taken from a closer distance. The third photo was Ash and Eiji sitting next to each other with little distance between them. The next photo was Ash in a ridiculous costume taken in the luxury apartment.

Eiji’s attention turned back to the photos from the truck. His eyes lingered on Ash and Shorter. They looked so much younger than Eiji remembered. The day Eiji took the photo it was stifling in the back of the truck. Max stopped for gas and Eiji moved towards the front of compartment. “Can I take your picture?” he asked.

“Like this?” Shorter asked.

Ash barely moved. “Who wants a picture of this?”

“It is my first time traveling America,” Eiji said. “I want to remember.”

“You want to remember two sweaty jackasses in a truck,” Ash said.

“What else is there?” Eiji asked. “We only see night.”

“You can remember my sweaty ass,” Shorter said and grinned.

Ash rolled his eyes. He removed the sweatband from his head and shook out his hair. “Fine.”

Eiji smiled and once they were ready, he brought his camera up, adjusting the focus and range. The driver door shut firmly. “I take it now,” Eiji said and after two beats quickly snapped two photos and retreated to the back. He sat down just in time for the motor to start up and the truck to continue on its way.

Ash sat up slowly. “Can I use the camera?”

Eiji blinked. “Yeah.” He handed the camera to Ash and moved closer. “Do you know how to use it?”

Ash turned it over in his hands. “Show me.”

Eiji demonstrated the focus and zoom, guiding Ash’s hands. His finger rested on the button that would take the photo. “Then press this.”

“Alright,” Ash said.

Eiji grinned. “It is easy.” He moved back and settled beside Shorter.

Shorter reached out and slung an arm over Eiji’s shoulders. “Should I make a peace sign?”

“No,” Ash said

Eiji moved closer to make the shot easier to take.

“Ready?” Ash asked.

“Yeah.”

The truck rumbled along. Ash took a breath, his wrists and hands steadying. At the right steadiest moment, he snapped the shot.

“Thank you,” Eiji said when Ash handed the camera back.

“I think you should have one of you and Ash too,” Shorter said.

Eiji glanced at Ash. “If it is okay…?”

Ash nodded. “Might as well.”

Shorter claimed he could work the camera. Eiji sat beside Ash, giving him a buffer area. Ash moved closer.

“Say cheese!” Shorter grinned, saying it in an almost cartoonish voice.

Eiji laughed and Ash’s face relaxed. Shorter took one shot just as the truck hit a rock and then a second shot soon after when the road evened out. “I think that worked.” The camera began making noise. “End of the roll.” Shorter handed the camera back to Eiji.

Eiji felt more than saw Ash move away. “Best for last. Thank you.”

Eiji was so lucky to have that film canister. He had it in his jeans when Yut-Lung abducted him and it somehow remained in his pocket through all the drama that followed. He was lucky when Yut-Lung gave him a drug to help their encounter with Dino go smoother for Eiji that he did not lose it in his brain haze. His camera and the film in it at the time, however, were lost for good in Los Angeles. Even Jessica did not have it when she arrived with his passport and omamori in New York. Eiji was also lucky to have a replacement camera for the rest of the trip. A few days before moving to the luxury apartment, Eiji woke to find a camera just like the one he left behind sitting on the nightstand between the beds. He knew the moment he held it that it was not the lost camera. He did not know how to feel about or interpret Ash’s gesture at first. He thanked Ash the next time he saw him and loaded film onto the camera not long after moving.

Eiji continued flipping through the album. Most of the photos were of Ash mixed in with some of the gang and some of New York. The seasons changed and there was evidence of a few holidays. Every so often a picture of Eiji by himself appeared, usually taken whenever he handed the camera to Ash to hold for the most part. Eiji lingered on two photos side by side in the album towards the end of the New York trip during the time they kept running and hiding from Foxx and his men.

The first one was Ash very early in the morning. Eiji remembered trying to move as quietly and carefully as possible so Ash would not break his pose. Ash sat in a windowsill surrounded by graffiti, his head bowed and eyes closed. After Eiji took the shot, Ash’s eyes opened. The lighting, the mood, and Ash’s natural beauty were at their best. Eiji thought it was his best photo of the entire trip if not of his entire body of work. The photo beside it was of Eiji from the same time period. Fire illuminated Eiji’s face. He had a blanket pulled tightly around his shoulders with his eyes were closed and face relaxed. Eiji’s hair stuck straight up into the air, victim of static. Eiji was unaware of anyone taking his picture under such a circumstance, but it looked like the type of photo Ash took. Ash’s photos, with rare exception, were random and frequently of Eiji. When Eiji told Ash that Ash could use the camera whenever, he did not have any notion what kinds of photos Ash might take. Eiji tried to remember where he might have been in the cold with a fire going nearby during a lull but there were too many places like that to be sure.

Eiji kept his thumb on the page with these photos and then worked his way backwards through the album, finding the first photo of him that Ash took on a sofa in the luxury apartment. Eiji placed his index finger on the page and then found the first photo he had of Ash. It was sunset on a beach at Cape Cod. Ash walked towards Eiji with the light at his back. It was almost too dark to take the picture properly. The breeze blew Ash’s hair away from his face. He was not smiling but he did not look as surly as he did in the pool hall photo from Ibe’s article. Ash’s shoulders were tense and his posture ready to react to anything at any moment. Eiji could still hear Ash’s mumbled, “Yeah sure,” after Eiji asked to take the photo.

Eiji compared the photos as best he could without removing them from the album. Ash was so much taller, paler, and underweight at the end of the New York photos. His body was more relaxed but still protected. Eiji for the most part seemed to stay relatively the same. He did not grow. His weight did not change much. His hair was slightly longer and he seemed exhausted in the later picture. Eiji stopped holding the places of the older two photos and flipped forward. After the last photos of the two of them in New York, there were photos of the lighthouse in Matsue. Eiji found the photos of the two of them with the view at their backs. There were several months between the New York photos and the Matsue photos. Ash was still too thin. Eiji was less muscular.

Eiji stopped holding places and continued flipping through the remaining photos in the album. Most of the photos were still of Ash, though Eiji made more appearances than he did in the New York sets. Towards the end of the album were some photos from before the Tokyo trip. Eiji’s eyes lingered on a photo of Ash taken in the middle of snow flurries along a bridge. Eiji spotted Ash walking on the brides when Ash returned from class and Eiji was out searching for inspiration. Eiji let Ash move a few paces farther ahead and then called out to Ash, taking the photo as Ash turned.

Eiji lingered on Ash’s face. His eyebrows were relaxed but drawn together. His parted lips gently slowed downwards but not quite sharply enough to be a frown. His eyes were alert but soft. His hand almost reached out towards Eiji, fingers pink from cold.

Eiji rested his chin on his hand. “You idiot,” he murmured in the same tone he said it when he processed the photo years ago. Eiji wondered if Ash made up his mind to break things off in Tokyo at that point or if Ash had been trying to find the right moment before they went to Tokyo. What if Eiji let Ash go back then? What if Eiji let that voice Ash used when he wanted the opposite of what he said choose their fate? What if he returned to Matsue alone? How many temporary goodbyes did they tell each other? Would this have still been another one? Would they have found each other again if they split at Tokyo or would it have finally been goodbye forever?

Eiji looked up at the monitor. The document stared back at him, cursor blinking, waiting. He sighed and shut down the computer. He thought he was ready to write today, but his mind still needed time to process his thoughts. He closed the album and set it back in their stack. He stretched and cracked his knee. When he passed Buddy, he grabbed a toy from the floor and squeezed it so it squeaked. Buddy’s tail wagged rapidly as he trotted after Eiji. “I can do this,” Eiji said firmly.

Buddy barked and sat so he barely touched the ground, his tail still wagging.

Eiji snorted. “I can do this too.” He tossed the toy down the hall so that it would land where Buddy would not knock into anything. He watched Buddy scramble after it.

 

~

 

Weeks passed. Eiji’s article grew and finalized. The high school and then the university went on summer vacation. When the weekend between their birthdays arrived, Ash and Eiji left Buddy with a local dog hotel and went to Izumo for a few days. They decided to stay in a hotel and then see Eiji’s family the evening before they left for Yokohama. They did not know if they would go to Izumo for New Year’s yet.

The hotel was a very tall building tucked away in a residential area. Their room was in the middle of the floors and just big enough for a small table and lamp between two beds and a desk with television and phone near the foot of the beds. The window was between the beds and the curtains closed tightly.

Once they settled into the room, Ash flopped down on one of the beds. It was soft and he sank into it easily. He barely put his hands over his eyes when Eiji tugged on his foot. “We must go.”

“We just got here,” Ash murmured.

“This is important,” Eiji said. “Come on.”

A bus took them north and dropped them off in walking distance of Inasa Beach along the western coast. The Sea of Japan ebbed and flowed across the sand in front of them. Mountains rose up to their right and there was a street and homes at their backs. A large rock with a small torii and tree atop it stood out against the clouds that the sun just began to catch. Eiji’s fingers brushed Ash’s hand barely before Eiji led them towards the water. Several people walked along the damp sand. Tourists took photos. The colors grew more vibrant and a slight breeze took the edge off the summer heat.

Eiji’s words along the shore of Lake Shinji two years ago about wishing he could have shown Ash such a sunset here before anything else slipped in and out of Ash’s memory. The sky became a gradient of purple to orange and began to fade. What if this was the first thing he really saw of Japan? What if they had the luxury to come to the beach at sunset that first night? The orange gave way to yellow and the clouds became blue. The beach grew darker. Kids ran past them.

When the light finally disappeared, Eiji breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, smiling broadly. “I should sing,” he said so only Ash could hear.

“No…” Ash groaned quietly. Eiji was a decent singer but Ash knew exactly what song Eiji might choose and he wanted none of it.

“Hap –” Eiji sang softly in English.

“No –” Ash switched to English without thinking about it.

“– py birth –”

“No –” Ash pushed at him gently.

“– day to us –” Eiji giggled quietly and let Ash push him. “So sensitive,” Eiji murmured. “Do not worry, twenty-three is good.”

Ash rolled his eyes. The light continued to fade rapidly. “My birthday is next week,” he said in Japanese.

Eiji looked back to the final remnants of the sunset. “Mine was two days ago. Maybe I should be singing a different song.” He nudged Ash. He knew the words and could visualize the animation, but the tune of the unbirthday song eluded him. The breeze picked up but the air remained warm.

Ash began to walk along the beach. There was enough light from the road to see.

Eiji fell into step with him. “I’m sure there are a lot of good things ahead.”

Ash put his hands in his jean pockets. “It still feels surreal.” Maybe any moment now he would realize he died and the last three years were some kind of bizarre afterlife. Maybe he would wake to darkness and slide into that wheelchair in Dino’s mansion, still a prisoner. Maybe he was drowning. Maybe he was suffocating. Ash closed his eyes briefly. He needed to trust this was reality. Time passed without bizarre jumps. Technology worked on command. He had all of his senses. The sea air was too accurate to be a dream.

“It’s weird for me too,” Eiji admitted. “My friends have kids. My little sister has a degree. It seems like yesterday I was chasing how high the crossbar could go. A quarter of my life is gone now. I didn’t really think about what twenty-five would be like.”

Ash watched Eiji in the dim streetlight, thinking about what he said about a quarter of his life. “Are you planning to become a hundred years old?”

Eiji glanced at Ash and then snorted. “I don’t know.” He could imagine being as old as his parents. He could sort of imagine being old as his grandparents. He was not sure if he could imagine one hundred. "Maybe I’ll have a long beard.”

Ash tried to imagine Eiji with a beard to rival ZZ Top. He made a face and rolled his eyes when Eiji laughed at his expression. The waves continued to ease along the shore. People began to leave. After a while, Ash said, “It does not feel real. I do not feel different.” Teenagers still followed his lead. He kept expanding his knowledge. It was still hard to wake up in the mornings and hard to go to sleep if he was not exhausted, though it was a little easier each year. There was still food, shelter, and other needs that required money. Even if there was no weight of a knife or gun at his belt, even if he had not washed blood from his body in years, he felt no more adult than he had in New York. Maybe he had been some kind of adult for a long time now.

Ash stopped walking and ran his hands through his hair. Eiji stood close and they watched the reflection of the lights on the water well into the distance. Ash’s gaze shifted to Eiji. Eiji must feel the transition more acutely. How many difficulties had Eiji faced? How many terrors did Eiji endure? How many things did New York take from Eiji? Everything that happened that was nothing new for Ash had been new for Eiji. Could anyone really feel the same after that?

Ash sighed. “Sorry. It is our birthdays.”

“Unbirthdays,” Eiji said in English. “You are lucky I forgot the song.” The wind pushed the hair from his face. “Maybe it’s not meant to feel different,” he said in Japanese. He squeezed Ash’s hand.

Ash squeezed Eiji’s hand in turn. “What is next?”

“Soba,” Eiji said. “I had a whole plan to woo you. You won’t want to leave Japan when I’m done with you.” He winked and grinned.

“I feel the seduction already.” Ash smirked.

Eiji snorted and dropped Ash’s hand to swat him gently. They headed back to the bus stop.

 

~

 

In the mornings, Ash and Eiji explored outdoors until it would get too hot and the sun too intense. They started with Mount Tabushi and saw the city stretch out across the valley, the river disappearing towards other mountains. The next morning they went to Hinomisaki Lighthouse and Cape Hino. The lighthouse was white against the cloudless sky and the rocky cliffs stretched along the shoreline. Gulls flew overhead and there were trees with roots that rose up enough to pass under. In the afternoons, they found things indoors to do. Some places were more touristy than others were. In the evenings, Eiji took them to restaurants he knew well and showed Ash sections of the city he explored growing up and pointed out the schools he went to when they passed on their way to places. All too soon, it was the day before they would return to Yokohama.

Eiji woke with a gasp. His palms splayed on the floor underneath him but it was a mattress. There was a pillow under his head instead of a folded sweater. Where was he? Eiji’s eyes slowly roamed the room. There was a window above his head with the shade and curtains drawn. He could see it reflected in a television near the foot of the bed. Ash slept beside him. The bed was ample size for both of them. How did they get here? Where did they find such a large, luxurious bed? Every time they found a bed somewhere, it was a worn out ratty twin bed lately.

The room had air conditioning and airflow somehow. They definitely were not in an abandoned building. Eiji slowly rolled onto his side and felt under his pillow. There was no knife or gun. He wore only his underwear and a tank top. It made no sense. He was supposed to be at the abandoned warehouse. He should be able to smell dead fish and hear the ocean. Where was he? How did he get here? Why was Ash the only person with him? Why weren’t they dressed to leave at a moment’s notice? Eiji tensed. Someone must have brought them here. Someone must be watching them. He remained still on the bed. Something fell down from his shoulder to his back and he jumped.

It was his hair. That was right. He had long hair now. Why did he think it would be short? Eiji peered into the darkness. There was no one there. Why did he think there would be? Eiji sat up and rubbed his face. He rolled out of bed and placed his hand against the wall. He ran his fingers along it as he walked around the bed. He navigated between the desk and bed silently. He saw no evidence of cameras or others in the room. The unused bed was still empty with no sign of disturbance. There was no one in the closet and no one in the bathroom. Nothing was missing or out of place. Eiji reached the door to the hotel room and pressed his forehead to it. He closed his eyes. He could not shake the feeling of eyes in the shadows. His brain kept oscillating between if he was supposed to be in a hotel room or in a warehouse. His fingers brushed the gunshot wound along his shoulder.

When he moved to Matsue with Ash, Eiji felt this way almost every night. Something would wake him and he would not be able to sleep until he checked the apartment and reminded himself where he was and was not. Of course, he always found nothing amiss. Slowly waking disoriented and on edge nightly became weekly became sometimes became occasionally. When was the last time he felt this way? Why here? Why now? What did he dream? Eiji’s jaw clenched. He bit back a frustrated groan.

Footsteps approached from behind deliberately obvious. Ash rested his palm between Eiji’s shoulder blades. When Eiji did not move way, Ash’s fingers rubbed small circles, following the tension along Eiji’s muscles.

Eiji’s fingers uncurled his shoulder slowly lowered. When he shivered, Ash’s hand flattened and then slid away from Eiji’s back. Eiji stepped away from the door. The room seemed colder. The only light came from the window. There were no cars or dogs outside. There were no footsteps or televisions on nearby. They were in a hotel in Izumo but in the darkness, in the entryway, they could be anywhere if Eiji did not touch any of the walls around them. If he closed his eyes, he could even almost believe he was back in his university apartment standing in the kitchen by the door. That place felt like two lifetimes ago now.

“It is always too quiet here,” Ash whispered in Japanese.

“Like someone’s watching,” Eiji murmured, though the feeling of eyes on him was not intense anymore.

Ash did not respond. He leaned against the closet door. Was someone watching them? Ash closed his eyes. His heart was calm, his soul centered. Even though it was too quiet, he could still hear the hum of the air conditioner and ambient hotel noises. He reached out and touched Eiji’s shoulder, running the backs of his fingers along Eiji’s skin. He let his hand drop to his side and opened his eyes. “Let’s go somewhere.”

There was a park not far from the hotel with a playground and radio tower at the top of a hill. The early morning was still dark and still hot. Ash and Eiji flopped down on a bench together just as the sky began to lighten. Eiji leaned back and stretched his legs out. How many times did he walk here with friends before heading home after school? How many times did he come here on his own accord? Even after he stopped using the playground, it was a decent place to exist or read assignments outside.

The sunrise became a muted gradient, lending a dull color to the sky. Many times when Ash and Eiji saw the sunrise in New York, they frequently did not have the luxury to watch it outside or spend the rest of the day doing what they wanted especially towards the end of things. Eiji leaned against the back of the bench. The sounds of the city grew louder. The birds sang in increasing numbers. Eiji could almost fall asleep here. He sat up straight and leaned forward, looking to Ash. Ash’s eyes were on the sky. There were still so many things to do, still so many things to see. What could wait for the next time? When Eiji imagined showing Ash Izumo, he imagined infinite time to do it. There was always enough time to see everything, to do everything. It always helped him sleep when they could never be sure what might wake them or when they might have to escape to the next location. Eiji breathed in the morning air and exhaled slowly. Time seemed to move so fast now.

 

~

 

Izumo Shrine was large and radiated an ancient energy. There was so much to take in from the shrine’s grounds to the slope of the rooves to the artefacts to the lanterns to the statues and the large twisted rope above the threshold. The morning like all the mornings during the trip grew too hot quickly and the sun beat down. Ash was a mix of pink and tan and Eiji only seemed to become steadily browner. In the afternoon, Ash and Eiji stuck to indoor activities until it was time to head back to the hotel to get ready for supper at the Okumura home.

The Okumura home looked as it did the last time Ash saw it. Mr. and Mrs. Okumura were polite. Hatsuko was open and friendly as she always was. Ash let the conversation happen around him only chipping in when required. He waited for the shoe to drop, but it seemed as the dinner continued, there might not be a shoe to drop. The conversation was mundane. Everyone was working hard. Eiji had some stories to tell from his travels. When the plates were empty, Hatsuko nudged Ash and they stepped out front. She settled down onto the steps and smoothed out her skirt. She offered Ash a cigarette but he declined.

“I hope it wasn’t too awkward,” Hatsuko said in Japanese. She held her cigarette so the smoke drifted away from them.

“Parents are parents,” Ash murmured. He put his hands in his jeans pockets and remained standing.

The heat was still stifling especially with little breeze. The humidity continued to climb. They could see the sun setting behind the houses in front of them. There was nothing to say and no pressure to speak. A dog barked in the distance. Ash’s shoulders relaxed.

 

~

 

Eiji quietly helped his mother with the leftovers and dirty dishes. His father sat at the table. Eiji was not sure if the conversation might take an interventionist turn, but it remained light. Mrs. Okumura washed the dishes in the sink and Eiji dried them, stacking them on the counter to put away together. Eiji dried the last glass and set it on the counter. The kitchen was quiet. Eiji glanced at his mother who watched him from the sink.

“Every time I see you, you change a little more,” she said and touched the ponytail resting on his shoulder gently. “Months ago I had a dream that we were cooking together. Sometimes you were watching, sometimes you were helping, sometimes you were cooking – my dream couldn’t decide how old you were.” She grew quiet, but did not look away. She touched Eiji’s face gently. Her eyes softened and her lips firmed lest they quiver.

“How did it end?” Eiji could not place the look on her face.

Mrs. Okumura withdrew her fingers. She touched his face briefly. “I don’t remember.” She washed her hands and then began to put the dishes away.

Eiji helped. Maybe she did remember how the dream ended and did not want to say. When all the dishes were where they belonged, Eiji hugged his mother tightly. She hugged him back as tight as she could as though he might slip through her arms back into silence with no warning.

“Don’t stay away too long,” she whispered.

“I’ll try not to.” Eiji was not sure when he would return but even if he did not come for New Years, he would try to come to Izumo again before the end of the year.

After a bit more visiting, it was time to leave. Ash hung back and watched Eiji’s family hug Eiji. With some waves and choruses of goodbyes, Ash and Eiji finally left the Okumura home. The night was still hot and humid. The not quite full moon rose from the horizon. Almost every house along the road had interior lights on and there were no cars until they exited the residential area.

Eiji watched the clouds pass across the moon. He spent countless nights like this walking along these roads heading to home from school. His muscles would be sore from practice and his brain on the fritz with the promise of more studying once he got home. It was weird walking the opposite direction with a clear mind and no responsibilities beyond getting up with enough time to catch an early train tomorrow. Eiji breathed deeply. His childhood and adolescence here felt like some sort of past life memory people went on about on television in America when they were selling psychic powers. He was still himself but his self was so different now. Eiji looked over at Ash who watched the road ahead. Eiji nudged him gently. “You survived.”

Ash snorted. He opened his mouth and then closed it. A car with dark windows passed them. Ash did not turn his head towards it but he could not look away from it. His stomach tightened. As soon as the car passed, his stomach relaxed and the feeling of eyes faded. Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. Soon the feeling was completely gone. Ash glanced over his shoulder, but the card was no longer visible. All he could see were several people out and about, most going to or returning from the mall.

“What?” Eiji glanced around but saw no one or nothing unusual.

“Nothing.” Ash ran his hand through his hair.

Eiji tensed. He still saw no threat, but Ash was better at sensing such things. How many times had Ash tensed, Eiji not noticed or not thought much about it, and then something bad happened? His gaze turned back to Ash. Ash’s jaw was relaxed and his fingers loose. Maybe whatever it was gone now. Eiji licked his lips. Should they head to the hotel? What if they led whoever it was there? Maybe whoever it was already knew where they stayed. Maybe it was a fluke.

The light changed and they crossed the street. The eyes never returned. Eiji breathed deeply. “Want to see the best view of the moon? Come on.” Eiji led them down some streets towards his high school where there was a clear view of the sky with no trees or buildings in the way. The moon continued to rise higher into the sky. The feeling of eyes and the car with dark windows never returned. The night passed without incident.

 

**To be concluded…**


	11. Part Five: Home, Chapter Eleven: Things Only Last So Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter** Eleven, in which things draw to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter** Eleven, in which things draw to a close.  
>  **Chapter Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Ibe Akira (from “Garden of Light”), Ibe Shunichi, Eiko (from “Fly Boy in the Sky”), Lee Yut-Lung, Max Lobo, Ash Lynx, Okumura Eiji, Sing Soo-Ling, original characters (coworkers); Ash/Eiji, Ibe/Eiko  
>  **Chapter Word Count** 6,518  
>  **Chapter Warning(s)** language  
>  **Chapter Notes** Thank you for reading my fic. I’m really glad I took the time to write it.

**_Best Laid Plans_  
Part Five: Home  
Chapter Eleven: Things Only Last So Long**

Days passed. Typhoon season turned towards Japan bringing rain and storms with it. Ash sat near the front door as Buddy messed around in the yard. Ash could see lightning far enough away that it turned the dark gray clouds completely white in the distance. His mind kept returning to the car he saw in Izumo with the dark windows. Whoever was inside knew him or perhaps both of them. Ash’s stomach vaguely tightened in the same manner it did when he saw the car thinking about it. The first time Ash noticed Blanca in New York, his spine went cold and he could feel each vertebrae acutely. Just before Blanca shot Eiji, Ash felt a flurry of little pin pricks, each one hotter than the last. Blanca was more intense than whoever was in that car, more urgent, more extreme. Whoever was in that car was not an immediate threat, but Ash could not pretend he noticed nothing either.

Slowly little tiny sprinkles grew in number. Ash remained where he was. The air was warm and his mind still spun. Who might look for him would know to go to Izumo? Was someone following a lead? Was it a member of the yakuza? No mob group was off limits when it came to Dino’s business it seemed. Ash’s jaw tensed.

Buddy bounded over and stuck his face incredibly close, tail wagging.

“Breathing room,” Ash murmured and ran his fingers through Buddy’s fur. Buddy gave him a little more space but not too much more.

Thunder drew closer and the lightning became more defined. Ash sighed and stood up, placing a hand on Buddy’s head gently. “Do you know the plan?”

Buddy looked up at him but did not bark. Of course, Buddy did not know. Plan was not a regular command.

Ash sighed. “We won’t leave you behind.” It was a promise he might not be able to keep but he would try.

Buddy rested his head against Ash’s leg and continued wagging his tail.

Ash let Buddy into the house before Buddy could get too wet. After cleaning up, Ash lingered outside. The rain picked up and the thunder drew closer. He stood under the balcony and felt the wind pick up like a normal thunderstorm. The small barrier of plants between their yard and their neighbor’s yard swayed in the breeze.

Footsteps approached from around the corner and Eiji settled beside Ash. They watched the rain become a downpour. The lightning continued to draw closer. They did not speak. Eiji leaned against the window and Ash against the wall. The sky grew darker with the sunset. The plant barrier appeared and disappeared with each flash. Eiji slid down the window and sat on the narrow strip of concrete that wound its way around the house. Ash remained standing. The lightening became less intense and the thunder more distant. The rain continued to pour.

“We worked too hard to throw it away over something this small,” Ash said in English, using the rain to keep his voice between them.

Eiji looked up at the water dripping off the edge of the balcony. He stood up and stretched. “I agree. It’s not time.”

Ash watched Eiji stretch of the corner of his eye. The rain began to taper.

Eiji walked over and nudged him in the arm. “The rain will not feed us.”

Ash grasped the fabric of Eiji’s shirt with his cleaner hand. Was their past about to catch up to them? What if Eiji got shot again? What if Eiji died? Ash’s grip tightened. There was no evidence pointing to the worst-case scenarios. There was no real evidence point to the best-case scenarios either. Ash’s jaw tensed so much he had to relax it consciously.

Eiji remained quiet. How long did they have? Was anyone who knew them in Japan safe? Were they prepared for this? What if nothing happened? Eiji’s shoulders remained square, ready. He shifted his weight to his uninjured leg. When Ash let go of his shirt, Eiji ran his fingers through Ash’s hair. “Come on. We can’t stay out here all night.” Eiji led them back inside the house.

 

~

 

Ibe’s wedding arrived with the last few weeks of summer. Two months prior, an elegant traditional invitation card arrived for Eiji. Even though the invitation came from the fathers of the couple as per tradition, Eiji could recognize Ibe’s artistic influence in the movement of the composition and his bride’s artistic influence in the accents of color. Ash was not invited, but that was expected. Not only would Max would be there, but even if there was no risk, the lack of a plus one in the invitation was normal. Ash sent some of his own money wrapped in mizuhiki decoration with Eiji anyway.

Eiji did not know how he felt about weddings. This was the fifth wedding reception and the first shrine ceremony Eiji went to since returning to Japan. The first wedding he remembered attending was his aunt’s wedding when Hatsuko was just old enough to sit through it. His aunt’s face was almost as white as her shiromuku and her lips so red. His uncle’s hands trembled slightly every time he lifted his saké cup. At the reception, all of the attention was on the couple. Eiji sat with the rest of the family at the other end of the banquet tables and wondered how anyone could enjoy being such an intense center of attention. His aunt and uncle both seemed to enjoy it. He could still remember his uncle’s laughter.

Ibe and Eiko’s ceremony looked similar but different from Eiji’s aunt and uncle’s ceremony. Eiko’s face was not as white as his aunt’s face was but the couple and family wore traditional clothing. While Eiji’s aunt and uncle chose to have only family at their ceremony, Ibe and Eiko chose to have two close friends each with their families. Eiji sat beside Max.

Eiji listened to the vows. Shinto vows were not quite like American vows. Instead of swearing to love, honor, cherish, and obey, the couple swore to love, respect, console, help, and protect each other. When the wedding party headed from the shrine to the reception venue for his aunt and uncle’s wedding, Eiji’s father told him that wedding vows were promises that everyone must honor and many fell short. “Respecting your mother means supporting her,” Okumura said. “Helping her means lightening her burdens. She is very strong so I console and protect her so she can become even stronger. Loving her is very easy. You will find with you own wife someday that all this is true. If both of you take these vows seriously, you will both flourish.” Eiji had not thought about that conversation in a long time.

These vows were all things he affirmed with Ash on separate occasions. Like his father said, loving was easy especially as Ash and Eiji drew closer together and chose to remain together in Japan. When Ash wanted to say harsh truths, they spoke in private. When Eiji tried to show affection, he respected Ash’s boundaries. The first time they slept in the same bed was the night Ash cried and Eiji knew he would never be able to leave Ash easily if at all. When they got to Japan, Ash actually offered a hug and brought Eiji food when Eiji was at his lowest. When Eiji felt in the most danger in New York, Ash busted him out of Dino’s mansion like some kind of Sylvester Stallone movie and Eiji got lucky he had enough people with him to get Ash away from Dino’s clutches months later. They did so many big things for each other and so many little things. They shared chores, they upkept a home, they owned a happy and healthy dog. They continued to share affection and planned to stay together if the worst happened. Was it a marriage? Eiji did not know and it did not matter.

When the ceremony ended, the wedding party walked the grounds of the shrine. There were photos and Eiji could hear tourists whispering excitedly to themselves nearby. After that, the group split to reunite at the reception at a hotel not far away. Max offered to pay for a cab to the venue so they could let the families have time alone. Eiko’s friends declined the offer and took their own cab.

The cab was quiet. Max for the most part looked about as he did the last time Eiji saw him. Max was still massive without being fat and his hair was still short and brown. Eiji kept trying to think of something to say but nothing sounded quite right. The last time they spoke, Max told him about Ash’s fake death. Looking back on his two years in America, Eiji could not think of many times he spoke with Max in general. It was always circumstance rather than avoidance. It was more exciting to talk to Ash and Shorter in the back of the truck when traveling cross-country. When Max came to visit the apartment, Ibe was always with him to talk with Eiji directly. When Max helped them strategize against Dino’s mercenaries, Eiji had other things to do to make sure everyone stayed safe. Eiji needed to make more of an effort.

Max sighed. “I hope it works out for them.”

Eiji let his brain click into English mode. “Me too.” He smiled. “They looked so happy.” It was the happiest Eiji thought he had ever seen Ibe.

Max smiled a little. “Yeah. They did. Reminds me of…” he snorted, but did not elaborate. “I like the hair and the glasses.”

“Thanks.” Eiji touched his ponytail subconsciously.

The cab arrived at the venue. In front of the entrance to the reception room there was a table for guests to sign in and receive their seating assignments. The reception seating had the bride and groom in a place of honor. Nearest to them would be bosses and coworkers then friends and finally family would sit to the back of the room. Eiji received his seating assignment at one of the friends’ tables near the back. Swift movement out of the corner of his eye drew his attention. Eiji stepped away from the table and looked around. The source of movement was gone. Ibe’s brother and sister-in-law stood together without looking at one another before disappearing into the banquet hall. Eiji glanced down the hallway nearby and then headed down it.

People talking and laughing in the lobby grew quieter the further Eiji went. At the end of the hallway was access to a stairwell. Eiji opened the door and closed it behind him. The stairwell was quiet but not empty. Ibe’s young niece Akira sat pressed against the wall, face in her hands. Her shoulders shook but she made no noise. Eiji cleared his throat briefly and then sat beside her.

Akira stilled. She wiped her face and eyes with the sleeve of her haori and then looked up at him. “Okumura-san…” she murmured. “Sorry.” Fresh tears threatened.

“It’s alright.” Eiji offered her tissues.

Akira took them. She breathed in deeply and tried to calm down. She wiped her eyes as many times as it took to get them dry. Once the tears stopped, she twisted the tissues in her hands and lowered her eyes. “A shiromuku…” her voice trailed. She took another deep breath and ran one of her fingers along her hakama. “Do you think I can wear a shiromuku at my wedding?”

Eiji blinked. “Of course. If you want to.”

Akira glanced at him then averted her eyes down the stairs. “Aunt Eiko is so beautiful. I want to look like that.” She clutched the tissues tightly. Her short hair could not hide her face.

Eiji had only ever seen Akira dressed like a boy. He never considered how she felt about that. Usually she was energetic and ready to follow her father, uncle, or Eiji to whatever fun thing might await. He sighed silently and intertwined then separated his fingers. What could he say? Akira was only nine. Maybe this was the first time she felt this way. Eiji considered his words. “Your wedding won’t be for a long time. Nothing about it is decided.”

Akira was quiet for a long moment and then she wiped her face one last time. She set her jaw. “No more crying. I’m okay now,” she said in a way that sounded more for her benefit than to assure Eiji. She stood and looked at her watch. “We’ve got to hurry.”

Eiji glanced at his own. The reception would start in the next few minutes.

The reception was modest. Ibe and Eiko arrived in nice clothing rather than going through outfit changes like other couples or brides might. The banquet’s cuisine was Japanese style food and full of color, artistic presentation, and good flavor. There was shrimp, sea bream, and rice for good luck and saké from an oak barrel. People told stories, made speeches, and sometimes preformed. Everyone tried to keep their segment short and sincere. Eiji waited for his turn. So many things he wanted to say were too personal to say in front of everyone else. When his turn came, Eiji spoke about inspiration and friendship, saving what he really wanted to say for later. The reception ended with a multi-tiered cake that easily fed the gathering.

The after-party hosted by Ibe and Eiko was at a restaurant later where they could easily gather with eight guests together in a corner and speak freely. Eiji, Max, the women who attended the ceremony earlier, and two friends each from Ibe and Eiko’s school years crowded together at the reserved tables. Eiji was the youngest and experienced life as a child when everyone else at the tables were teens or as a ten when everyone else was an adult. The conversation was at times nostalgic, funny, touching, and quiet.

When it was time to leave, Eiji lingered until he was the last person left. He watched Max hug Ibe and Eiko tightly, wishing them all the best. Then it was Eiji’s turn to say goodbye. Eiji smiled. “Thank you for all your patience and help. Thank you for letting me share this day with you.”

Ibe put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “I’m glad you were a part of it.”

“You’ve been a good friend to Shunichi,” Eiko said. “You’re always welcome.”

Eiji looked down a moment and then back at them. He had apologized to Ibe before but not to Eiko properly yet. “I’m very sorry about all the trouble I caused. I never considered how I obligated Ibe-san to stay until I came home. That was not fair to either of you. I’m glad we are still friends after all that.” He did not want to presume keeping Ibe away for so long might have delayed the wedding, but he also could not be certain that was not the case. As he drew nearer to Ibe’s age when they first arrived in New York, he could only imagine what it must have been like to be responsible for an impulsive love-struck young delinquent.

“We can’t change the past, but we can learn from it,” Eiko said. “Even if you both came home immediately, we still could be standing here like this right now. Weddings are just ceremonies. Feelings and commitments are more important.”

Ibe nodded. “It’s good to be married at the right moment. It’s also good to be able to share this with good friends.”

Eiji nodded. He hugged them both, said goodbye, and slipped out of the restaurant. He put his hands in his pockets and felt the slight breeze ruffle his hair. The air was humid but not too warm now. Eiji breathed deeply and headed towards the train station.

 

~

 

The fog was light but all encompassing. It was raining but smelled like snow. There was no concept of cold or hot. His thoughts lurked like a loud demon beyond the mist. Ash must be dreaming.

Shadows appeared in the fog. A hand reached out to Ash and then Griff gripped his shoulder. Skip, Shorter, and gang members lost to violence and time emerged from the fog, all of them gathering around them. Griff was tall and strong as though he never went to war. Skip did not look like a little kid anymore. Shorter’s sunglasses hid his age. Ash’s focus did not leave Griff though somehow he knew where and who everyone was around them. He could see they were all older, healthier, and happier.

Griff did not look away. “Run,” he said firmly. “Run, Aslan.”

He released Ash and then burst into smoke.

“You’ve got to run, Boss,” Skip said and he too burst into smoke.

Shorter hit Ash gently in the shoulder. “What they said. Get out of here. I don’t want to see you for decades.”

One by one, each person who died or Ash left behind when he left America urged Ash to run and then burst into smoke. The dream seemed increasingly cold without being cold at the same time. No matter how much Ash’s thoughts whirled just beyond the fog, he did not wake.

One person remained, the smoke obscuring their form. Slowly it dissipated and Eiji stood in front of him as he looked the first time they met. His eyes were young and his polo shirt a bright powder blue. Eiji placed Ash’s gun in his hands and raised his eyes, meeting Ash’s gaze. “Run,” he said and then he too disappeared in smoke.

Everything was gray. Everything was fog, mist, and smoke.

Ash opened his eyes. He placed a hand on his chest and felt his heart beat wildly. Something soft and fluffy brushed his arm barely and Ash jumped, sitting up immediately. Buddy continued to get comfortable on the floor at Ash’s side. Ash’s heart continued to race. He rubbed his face. Eiji slept soundly with his back to Ash. The clock said it was an hour before the alarm. Ash’s fingers brushed his shoulder where he could still feel Griff’s hand. It made no damn sense. He listened intently but there was no noise downstairs or upstairs. There was no indication of invasion or danger. He could not smell any smoke. He stood up and stepped around Buddy to peer out the window. It was still dark outside and there was no fog. Ash leaned on the windowsill. His stomach felt cold. It was just a dream. He could not dwell on it. He was not sure he could ignore it either.

Ash ran his hands through his hair and stepped away from the window. He looked down at Eiji still sleeping soundly. Eiji’s voice from his dream echoed in Ash’s mind.

Run.

Run.

Run.

 

~

 

When Eiji woke, he could smell breakfast and found some waiting for him once he stepped into the kitchen. He sipped his tea and leaned against the doorway to the living room. Ash sat at the large desk reading. His shoulders were tense and hunched forward. He turned each page slower than usual.

Eiji approached and set his mug on a coaster on the desk. His fingers ran through Ash’s hair.

Ash closed his eyes and then removed his glasses. He leaned back when Eiji wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Ash could not remember the dream clearly anymore, but he could not shake his apprehension.

Eiji rested a hand against Ash’s chest and felt Ash’s heart beating, his own soon adopting the same, slightly vexed rhythm. He slowly let Ash go.

Ash got up from the chair. “It is nothing,” he said in Japanese. His eyes lingered on Eiji’s face. Eiji still looked young though his eyes were sharper and his lips tense.

Eiji picked the empty mug up and rolled it in his hands. Ash’s expression reminded him of his own recovery from his first gunshot wound. He was so feverish and stuck in bed. Ash was at his side saying words Eiji’s fever could not translate. Eiji opened his eyes and put his hand over Ash’s hand, trying to squeeze it but not having the strength to do so. Ash looked at him with his lips pressed in the same thin line, eyebrows drawn together in the same manner and his eyes full of thought.

Eiji touched his mug to Ash’s arm. “I don’t think it’s ‘nothing.’”

Ash licked his lips, decided not to elaborate, and headed to the kitchen.

Eiji frowned and followed. “I have to go to Tokyo today. Should I?”

Ash poured more coffee. He ran his tongue along his teeth. He held his breath a moment and then his shoulders relaxed. Nothing about Eiji in Tokyo made his unease worse. “It was only a dream.”

That did not mean they might not be in danger. Eiji rinsed his mug out and set it in the sink. It also did not mean that anything bad that happened would qualify as dangerous. “Then I’ll go to Tokyo today. I’ll be home before you are.”

“I know.” Ash leaned against the counter and held his mug with both hands.

Eiji settled beside Ash and put his hands in his pockets. There were no extra sounds or extra shadows. His own heart beat calmly. He wanted to believe everything was fine, but he did not want to ignore Ash’s ability to notice subtle changes. “I think it’ll be okay.” Eiji smiled a little. “We will get through today and whatever comes with it.”

Ash breathed through his nose. He wanted to believe Eiji. “It was a stupid dream.” He tried to will himself calm, yet his heart did not settle. The crowds on the buses and train during his commute seemed denser, but no one acted unusually. His classes at university dragged, but there was no sign of threat. The eerie feel of the house after he woke stuck with him more than any detail of the dream. The world seemed misaligned, but nothing was out of place. His hair kept standing on end but there were no eyes on him. Intuition was the brain’s ability to recognize subtle patterns instinctively. What had he noticed? What justified this? Ash walked from the university to the high school to clear his mind without feeling confined by his surroundings.

One of the students greeted him at the gates. It was her job to help any guests find their way to the Sports Day festivities. Ash gave her a small greeting in return and headed to the back of campus where the track was. As he walked, the crowd grew. All of the students and staff were outdoors along with former graduates and a few family visitors. The top runners in the third year classes were running against each other. Ash made his way to a group of teaching assistants near the track. Once the students were done with the track, there was going to be a relay of teaching assistants vs. their bosses for amusement. There were five of them in the group. Takahashi was the assistant track coach, Maeda and Tendou were both student teachers who practicum was finished but still came to the school to help with tutoring, and Kazahaya assisted the school nurse.

“Now that we’re all here, we need to go over strategy,” Takahashi said in Japanese.

“We run in circles until our bosses keel over…?” Tendou suggested with a playful smile.

While Takahashi explained the relay again, Ash glanced at the crowd milling about. His eyes kept moving towards a section of the crowd but the only people he recognized were graduates from last year and students still attending the high school. The only people he caught watching him were unfamiliar to him and their stares were normal for their intent. He breathed through his nose and let his shoulders relax. He needed to let this go. If he fucked this relay up, he would attract more attention than he wanted today.

“Right?” Takahashi asked the group in English at the end of his explanation.

“Right,” Ash replied along with the rest of the teaching assistants.

Maeda would start the relay and Takahashi would finish it. Ash was in the middle. He took the baton from Tendou and rushed down the track. The students laughed and cheered as they did for everyone in the relay. Ash placed the baton in Kazahaya’s hand, and she was off at full speed. Ash caught his breath and stood straight. He pushed his hair from his eyes and watched Kazahaya run until something drew his attention to his right. His heart stopped.

Sing met his gaze.

If the crowd kept cheering, Ash did not hear them. The slight breeze vanished. Ash’s hands dropped to the waistband of his jeans but there were only belt loops.

Sing was one of the tallest people there, his shoulders broad and hair spiked a bit like some modern boy band. He stood at the back of a group of visitors yards away.

Ash ran his tongue along his teeth. He took a step backwards and retreated to the bench before slipping into the crowd. His eyes remained on Sing as Sing moved parallel to him, keeping a fair distance. They exited the crowd, giving each other a wide berth as Ash led them past the school buildings towards a deserted part of campus. A chain fence ran along the edge of the grounds with a steep drop off on the other side. With everyone out of the buildings, no one could see them here.

There was no sound from the fence at Ash’s back. Sports Day continued without its ruckus drawing close to them. Ash’s eyes did not move from Sing. Ash kept his shoulders relaxed and knees bent. It had been a while since he fought let alone fought someone taller and more muscular than he was. He did not know what weapons Sing might have and did not want to draw anyone on campus into this. Ash spared Sing’s life as Shorter’s body burned. He drew Sing into the mess with Foxx. He even chose Sing’s life over proof that could have exposed everything about banana fish. Maybe none of that mattered. Maybe he grew too soft with Sing and this was the price.

“I’m…” Sing said very quietly, his voice trailing. He could not look away from Ash. Sing took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and said firmly, “I’m not here to start shit.” Sing kept his hands away from his body where Ash could see them. “When Nadia said you died, I didn’t want to believe her. Everything went to hell immediately after and it just keeps getting worse,” he paused and shook his head, “but that’s not what I came to tell you.

“The Corsicans arrived in Yokohama this morning.”

Ash’s stomach tightened and then relaxed. His heart rate calmed. His hair stopped standing on end. His mind worked quickly. If Eiji caught all the trains he normally would, he would arrive at the station closest to home soon, if not right this minute. It was over thirty minutes by train from the high school. It was close to two hours if Ash walked. Would the Corsicans come here first or to the house? Would they send teams to both places? Would Eiji run into them? Would Eiji be able to evade them? Which of their escape plans would Eiji take? Which one should Ash take? The longer Ash remained at the high school, the longer he might draw the Corsicans to the high school. Ash took several steps backwards towards the fence and then he scaled it. The fall was not practiced, but Ash landed without twisting his ankles in the process. He did not have time to waste. Sing followed.

Ash did not slow. If he tried to go to the station or home on foot, it would take much longer than if he took the train or bus. However, if Eiji was making his way towards the high school, Ash did not want to pass him. “Shit. Shit. Fuck.” He started in the direction of the nearest station. He did not plan to take the train, but he did not want to clue anyone observing into where he might go. He could pick up the pre-determined escape route once he was alone. He doubted Eiji was this close to the high school yet especially if Eiji went to Tokyo today.

Ash heard Sing’s footsteps behind him. It was the only noise unusual to the area. Once they were far enough from the school, Ash skidded to a halt and turned to face Sing. A balcony door slid open nearby and a mother hummed as she hung out bedding. Sing sent something skidding across the pavement to Ash. Ash stopped it with his foot.

Sing kept his distance. “It’s yours. Take it.” He turned to leave. “I hope you survive but stay ‘dead’ this time.”

Ash did not respond. The mother continued to hum. Sing disappeared down the road. There were no extra noises. The only person paying attention seemed to be the mother. Ash slid his foot under the object and kicked it into the air. He caught it. It was a knife. It rested in his hand perfectly. Ash inspected the blade, keeping it close to him so no one nearby could see it. The blade was sharp, well cared for, and appeared and disappeared into the hilt easily. Ash retracted the blade and cradled the knife in his hand. He looked up the road and down it. No more studying. No more teaching. No more Japan. He had to get to Eiji.

 

~

 

The train rides between Yokohama and Tokyo were uneventful. The bus home was not crowded but it was stuffy. Eiji stepped off the bus, closed his eyes, and let the breeze ruffle his hair and the sun warm his face. When he got home, he should take Buddy for a walk. A fire siren drew closer. Eiji opened his eyes and watched the firetruck speed around the corner, slingshotting itself down the street that led home. Eiji froze. Smoke rose in the distance. “Buddy,” he murmured and prepared to run home when Buddy barked nearby.

Eiji looked behind him. Buddy sat beside Yut-Lung underneath the shade provided by an apartment complex’s balcony. Buddy’s tail thumped excitedly. Yut-Lung’s hair curved at his chin in a bob. His pencil skirt tapered to his knees in a smooth curve and matched the color of his heels. He held Buddy’s leash loosely.

Eiji stood straighter. The air seemed thicker. Apartment complexes with shops underneath surrounded them. Traffic sped by uninterrupted. There was nothing to use as a shield or cover. A sniper could be anywhere. Eiji’s jaw tensed but he kept his shoulder square.

“I have no desire to kill you.” Yut-Lung let go of Buddy’s leash and walked over to Eiji, stopping just close enough that he could keep his words between them. “The Corsicans, however, are not so generous.”

Eiji did not step backwards. His mind raced. Buddy rested his head against Eiji’s legs and wagged his tail. Were the Corsicans really onto them? Was this a ploy to get Eiji to lead the Chinese to Ash? Would the Corsicans start at the house or the school? Could Ash already be dead? There were so many possibilities and none of them were good. He needed to get to Ash. Eiji frowned. “Why now?”

“Why not?” Yut-Lung began walking in the direction of the high school.

A low-level explosion reverberated from the direction of the fire. Eiji looked down the road. He could not stay. That did not mean he had to go the same route as Yut-Lung, but he did not want to miss Ash. Who knew when Ash started walking towards home. Eiji picked up Buddy’s leash and fell in step with Yut-Lung. He kept aware of those around him, though he was not sure if a threat would look obvious immediately.

“I’ve known both of you were in Japan for years,” Yut-Lung said. “Knowing which publisher to call to find you easily led me to Ash,” a pause, “or I suppose Aslan now.” His voice was light as if it was a discussion about office décor or perhaps a business gain. “The Corsicans did things the hard way. They were in the Caribbean two years ago looking for him.” Yut-Lung snorted. “Two days ago I learned they booked flights to Yokohama. I decided to interfere.”

A mother and baby passed them. A group of older teens walked together across the street. Cars passed them. No one was out of place. Everything seemed so normal, but he could not get his heart to stop racing. “Did you set the fire?”

“Yes, but that was all I did. I left their work alone and their bodies behind. Your dog bit one of them.” Yut-Lung’s heels were delicate against the pavement.

Eiji glanced down at Buddy who walked beside them as though he knew they could not visit every interesting sniff spot in town. Eiji could not think of an instance Buddy growled or became aggressive. Eiji looked back over his shoulder and then to Yut-Lung. “He seems okay with you.”

“He knew I wasn’t a threat. I did a lot of thinking after Blanca left. You’re no longer a threat to me. All of us have moved on.” Yut-Lung stopped walking and turned to Eiji as a man walked towards them. Eiji tensed, but the man continued by on his way to the train station. Once they were alone, a car pulled around the corner. “This is mine. We will never meet again.” Yut-Lung slipped into the car, which instantly merged back into traffic and sped away.

Eiji licked his lips. There was a parking garage on one side of the street and an auto dealer on the other. Everything was fairly wide open, which lowered the risk of snipers but increased the risk of abduction. Eiji took a deep breath. How many Corsicans? What was their plan? Provided anything Yut-Lung said was true of course. Eiji could not afford to hesitate either way. “Come on,” he said to Buddy. “Let’s jog.”

 

~

 

Ash’s pace grew slower, but he kept his strides long as he walked along a prefectural route. There were no pedestrians. He was out in the open but soon he would be able to disappear into a nearby residential area. He neared an intersection that splintered into multiple directions. The cars moved as they always did. Something caught his eye up ahead approaching the same intersection. It was Eiji and Buddy heading down a hill. Ash increased his speed. He pushed himself, breaking into a run, barely skidding to a stop at the crosswalk when a truck laid on its horn before continuing its path. Traffic flew past. Ash’s gaze did not leave Eiji.

Eiji checked over his shoulder. The hill put him at a disadvantage, but he doubted someone would suddenly appear behind him after not seeing anyone following him yet. He stopped jogging a while ago to conserve Buddy’s energy. A truck laid on its horn at the upcoming intersection. Eiji jumped and his attention shifted to the sound. His heart skipped when he saw Ash and he managed to stop himself from calling out to him. Eiji headed down towards the crosswalk and stopped a few meters away.

One prefectural route split into the one Ash was on and another between him and Eiji. Two residential streets also branched off at the intersection heading in opposite directions. Ash crossed two crosswalks in long strides; careful of the vehicles ha might try to take the right of way. He reached out to Eiji who reached out to him once Ash got to the corner. Their hands clasped. Eiji put his free hand on Ash’s chest. “No time,” he said in English. “There might be Corsicans somewhere. Yut-Lung too.”

“I know. I saw Sing.” Ash petted Buddy with his free hand when Buddy barked impatiently.

They immediately returned up the hill and slipped into the twisting residential streets, winding their way towards a train station nearby. They doubled back some streets, always looking right, left, in front, behind, and above, but they were still alone.

“Exhale,” Ash said.

Eiji did not even realize he was holding his breath. He headed down concrete steps with Ash, Buddy bounding down beside them. When they reached the bottom of the steps, there was a high wall on one side, a garage on the other side, and a house facing them. They stopped and leaned against the wall. Eiji closed his eyes briefly and then immediately opened them. He could not let his concentration slip.

“We can never return,” Ash said. “We can never contact anyone or use our names. You can never see your family again.”

Eiji looked at Ash and then down the road. He licked his lips. Memories tugged at him. The first time he watched his mother dispatch crab for New Year’s dishes. When his dad taught him to ride his bike. When he used to walk with Hatsuko to and from school every day. When he vaulted for the first time and all the times he stood on the podium. All his teammates, friends, and classmates along with Ibe and everyone around him in Japan. When Hatsuko gave him the omamori. How tightly his mother and sister hugged him when he returned from New York. His parents trying to make amends at New Years. All the visits he mad to Izumo with and without Ash. Meeting Hatsuko in Tokyo on her lunch break at the research facility when she moved there last month. Eiji’s eyes stung and he breathed through his nose. He would not be there to help Hatsuko when their parents grew old. He would not be there to see any of their futures or successes. Eiji bit his lip and then said in a soft voice, “I know.”

Ash looked back the way they came. There was a cat heading towards them. It saw Buddy and went another direction. Ash’s gaze shifted in front of them, the structures hiding them also hiding what lay ahead. He saw no unusual or unexpected shadows.

Eiji’s breathing evened and then he straightened. “First station?”

“Yeah. First train.” Ash rested his hand on his waistband, feeling the hilt of the knife within easy reach.

They would go to the first airport they came to and take the first plane that went to a country they knew might be safe. They moved away from the wall and continued towards the train station. Buddy slowed. Eiji took Ash’s hand. They disappeared along a narrow path that wound around some houses and led back down to the street. They would build another normal wherever they went and would hold onto it for as long as they could.

 

**The End**


End file.
